 | Collins: You'd need a lifetime to prepare yourself mentally for ANYTHING. But, let's start this off. Early in the first hour, Jessica Brown, was a Texas native refreshing not only because of her stellar, controlled voice...but because she didn't immediately pitch herself with a Country song. I hoped this would be the trend, because I'm pretty sure the whole Country phase of Idol is finally running out of steam. |
 | Heart: I don't know about that. A good voice is a good voice, and Carrie Underwood won the whole contest a few seasons ago! |
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| Collins: By virtue of her simply being the best singer that year. Country had little to do with her flawless vocals. She was the total package, and her humble, Oklahoma background only helped make her more likeable. When a genre becomes your crutch, and it's ALL that really makes you stand out...you're Bucky Covington. You're DOOMED. |
 | Funk:You wanna' talk doomed? I thought the story of the Meth Mom, recently out of rehab, was cool. |
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| Heart: Definitely interesting to see a story about Meth use during a big family show like Idol. Cecelia Fleet was a good singer, with an interesting voice and cute kids! |
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| Collins: Hm. Yet, somehow, I don't remember her. I did take note of this big Texan Goof, though. |
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Collins: Texans, this will continue to be what the rest of the country thinks you look and act like, unless you prove us wrong and produce some RESPECTABLE talent. |
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| Heart: I think we were supposed to think of him as "joyful," but he was a little weird, instead. Nice guy, though. |
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| Funk: He did make me laugh at the end of his segment, though, when he said, "Simon goes down on just about everyone." |
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| Collins: I caught that, too. Probably inadvertent, but still funny. |
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| Heart: One voice I did love belonged to 16 year-old Alaina Witaker. She sounded great! |
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| Collins: In my notes, I called her Blondie Who Thinks She's Cuter and More Varied Than Carrie Underwood. |
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| Funk: She had a nice, Country voice. I liked her. |
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Collins: Overall, a pretty convincing audition. Alaina, you'll do well. Also, you're 16. Grow into your voice a bit during the season and you should grab some of that Coveted Jordin Sparks Vote (TM). Those young voters can be a powerful group on this show. |
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| Funk: What was up with Bruce, the guy who's never kised a girl? All chaste and loving it. Close, but no. |
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| Heart: I think he SERIOUSLY needs to kiss a girl! Might loosen him up and improve his voice a bit! |
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| Collins: Ha ha ha. That Kiss-Saving, Marriage-Focused, "Ain't No Sunshine"-Singing Guy. You know, he wasn't anything special. Memorable for his story, not his voice. In the end, whether or not you agree with his lifestyle choice...it's about the singing. He was weak in that respect. |
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| Heart: How about Pia Easley? Even if she's got a bit of an...ODD look. But I like that she's actually interesting and different. Even though I'm a blonde-haired, green-eyed girl, myself, I'm getting tired of the parade of Barbies Idol's judges seem to put through every season. A little variety is good, like you said about wanting to see someone "quirky" who actually has a GOOD voice make it to the Top 24, Clyde. |
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| Funk: I thought she had a rrrrreal good voice. |
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| Collins: You know, I'm not as into her as you might think, actually. "Zpia" was just plain creepy to me, visually. She won't win. Her voice is strong, but in a "power" kind of way. Just "okay" to me. Another backup singer who won't steal the spotlight for long. |
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| Heart: You have to give her points for the orange mohawk thing. Come on! |
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| Collins: Her look at least helps her stand out. She's not the mix of Fantasia and Melinda Doolittle the "backup singer" types need to be to succeed, sadly. Far more disturbing was Brandon Green, the one who SERIOUSLY saves his peeled fingernails in a Ziploc baggie. |
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| Heart: So weird! A nice voice, but I don't know if I'll get over the bag o' nails. |
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| Funk: I thought he was pretty good, actually. I liked his voice, and what he does with his nails is his business. |
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| Collins: I've seen his type before, though. I'll tell you what, he did touch on a great point, something I brought up in the Philly auditions. He came right out and brought the "anti-Britney" zeitgeist to the forefront. This is going to be a big running theme, this season. There are a lot of ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK DISGRACES in music, right now. American Idol Season 7 will be a statement against that. That said...Mr. Green, you aren't the next Blake Lewis, and I'm not even convinced HE'D make it very far this year, given the talent we've seen so far. Simon's right. He's forgettable. Will. Not. Win. |
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| Funk: Man, you're brutal! Green's alright with me, man. I think he'll do fine. I'm real excited to see what Kayla does. She was the one who survived that car accident, and sang Janis Joplin-style. That was really appropriate, and I think she's definitely interesting. |
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| Heart: Yes! She's not that mainstream Barbie, and I was absolutely surprised by the voice that came out of her. I DO think she might not be as good as the judges thought, though. I was a little surprised they let her through. SIMON, of all people! |
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| Collins: Simon completely let me down with that call. Look, she didn't inspire me. She annoyed me, and reminded me of Cheri Oteri's pill-addicted "Collette Reardon" character. THAT SAID...Amy Poehler would play her if SNL were running new episodes. Just another nice story, though. Paula Abdul showed truly good judgement for a change, with her Straight-Up No! Yes, she's nuts...but, we've already go too many insane celebrities running around. One-way ticket to Nowhere. Good for her, surviving a car wreck and all, of course. I'm not saying she isn't the kind of person who might inspire the easily-inspired...only that I don't happen to be one of those. Looking for the best, here. |
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| Funk: Are you trying to remind Simon how to be heartless? Wow... |
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| Collins: Someone has to! They judges are all a bit soft, this season. |
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| Heart: But Kady Malloy is someone who really deserved to go through to Hollywood. She was the vocal impressionist who did the spot-on Britney Spears impression. |
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| Funk: Yes! She was dead-on! Very good. Seemed like a natural talent, good-looking...she'll do well. |
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| Collins: She impressed me by having a good voice of her own, when NOT doing an impression. It still worries me a bit, though. She could suffer from Phil Hartman Syndrome: Will we often hear who the REAL Kady is? It's so easy to fall into the trap of soundalike versions during theme weeks, rather than making the songs her own. Simon's overdoing it a bit by calling her the best we've seen so far, this season. She did a SMOKIN' "Unchained Melody," though. |
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| Heart: Oh, right. That's Simon's favorite. No WONDER he loved her so much! Great voice, and lots of control. I like her. |
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| Collins: At this point in my notes, we're at the end of the first hour. I'd just like to say, to the "11 other people" who got the Hollywood pass on Day One but failed to earn any quality camera time...sorry. You've got an uphill battle ahead! |
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| Heart: That's true. It is REALLY hard for people to connect with you if...well, they don't SHOW you. |
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| Funk: Maybe they could've shown more of those talented people if we didn't have to sit through guys like Douglas Davidson, singing "Living on a Prayer." He looked like he was gonna' puke, restarted about 15 times, then had to be escorted out. What was THAT?! |
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| Collins: Awful, is what that is. Douglas Who Wouldn't Leave was truly lousy. Wow. Completely oblivious! |
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| Heart: Very strange. I thought he might actually pass out or hyperventilate or something! I was surprised that the nerdy, political guy with the bushy hair, Kyle Ensley, made it through. Especially singing that Queen song! |
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| Collins: Simon's really being nice this season. He gets a pass?! He's quirky, though. Maybe it'll carry him further than he should go, kind of in a Chicken Little kind of way. Remember that kid? Or the "JPL" Vote. People on the fringe keeping the loveable dorks in the competition for a few weeks. In the end, you know...as Queen said, "Another one bites the dust." |
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| Funk: Ooh, good one. The production on his set-up video was great, Paula caved, but he could be worse. He is at least interesting, like we've been talking about. |
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| Collins: Paula just hates being the person to tell someone NO. Simple as that. He won't go far, though. It's nice to send a wide variety to Hollywood, and let them sort it out there. I suppose. Now, Angela Riley...the one whose husband came into the room for her audition? Things got worse from there. She was setting herself up to be this season's Leggy Brunette Who Sang Like a Disney Princess From Season 6 Whose Name I Forget Right Now. |
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| Heart: Hayley? |
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| Collins: That's it, thank you. Hayley Scarnato. But, same problem...and this year, at least they didn't put her through. She's awful, and her husband's worse. I can absolutely tell he's the kind of guy I would never be able to stand in a zillion years. It's clearly a put-on, those two. Disgusting. What's that wing-flapping snap thing called?! Even Broadway would be embarrassed by her antics. Too much air-time, producers! Yeesh. |
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| Heart: Colton Swon could've had more air-time, I think! He is SO cute, and he has a big voice and nice hair to back it up! |
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| Funk: Guys with nice hair gotta' represent. Colton, Kyle...don't stop rockin' those 'dos, man! |
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| Collins: Talent-wise...Colton, the Country-Rock Dude gets a big "meh." He'll do for the first round, but won't make it to the end, this season. I think this BIG COUNTRY phase is finally out of America's system, and this kind of singer won't have the impact he might have had a few years back. Then again, Elliot Yamin made it to the end, so...anything can happen. Yamin's an ugmo, by the way. Okay enough voice, but an ugmo can never be the American Idol. Please. |
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| Heart: If you're anti-Country, Clyde, Drew the cute farm guy must've been your favorite of the night! Ha ha. |
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| Collins: Oh, that bloody mess. Drew Poppelreiter, Hoppenheimer, Grasselpicker, whatever. Stright-up Country singer. Twangy voice and all that jazz. No. No. No. NOOOOOO. Lose. |
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| Funk: Calm down, man. Your head might explode! |
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| Collins: I can't! He actually said this: "As the city goes, I ususally...I like my hay fields, but...we make due out there, too." Jeez. Paula felt no Wow Factor, but put him through to the next round, anyway. The Hick Goes to Hollywood: Take 4,000. Give me a break. I have the feeling he'll go further than he should, just to annoy me all season. |
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| Heart: Oh, Clyde...EVERYTHING annoys you! |
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| Funk: Yeah, I didn't think he was THAT bad. |
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| Heart: We're nearing the end of the show, here. How about Nina Shaw? She had an old-fashioned, sassy style. She looked like a model. I think she'll do well. |
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| Funk: She was pretty good, I'm glad they put her through. I like the old-school vibe. |
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| Collins: Better she goes to Hollywood than some of the others, but...the thing I liked most about her was the style, that flower in her hair, the loud pattern of her outfit. The judges are putting plenty of people through, so we'll have attractive hopefuls to send home in Hollywood. I guess. |
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| Funk:You know, about some of those absolute weirdos who get into the judging room. What happens if one of them gets through, and their weirdness was just TOO weird for audiences to get past? You want to stand out and get air-time, but...like, no one will forget that Brandon collects his fingernails. |
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| Collins: Excellent point, Funk. Gimmicks don't help on this show. All it does is show you only really want some TV time. Remember "Scooter Girl?" Yeah, same idea. They don't put through the guy dressed as an astronaut, even if his voice is decent. They all go home, because that gimmick stops being interesting and the voice isn't there to make up for it. |
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| Funk: And the judges seem to be saying "We like you, you're a nice person, but no," a lot! Is it me, or is that new? |
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| Heart: They HAVE gotten a lot nicer. |
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| Collins: TOO nice! But I think it's simply that they don't want to completely destroy some of the genuinely likeable people who are DECENT, but not good enough to go on. They don't like to hurt some people's feelings, I suppose. |
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| Heart: They did let Renaldo Lapuz have his moment in the sun, though. Um...WOW. The cape guy who SERIOUSLY likes Simon...I mean... |
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| Funk: More clowning around with the hopefuls, but this one was just too crazy to leave out! After the freaks we saw and that Kelly Clarkson montage that pretty much killed "Since You've Been Gone" for everyone...I didn't know how it could get any stranger. |
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| Collins: Please, allow me to transcribe my notes EXACTLY as I wrote them while I watched Mr. Lapuz. |
"Chairman Kaga" at the end was truly a treat time. The twirling, the shining, the feathers, the dramatic music...the awkward silence, standing next to Seacrest in the hallway before his audition. The judges dancing and singing along to "We are All Brothers," amazing. Renaldo Lapuz, I salute you.
Up there with Paula's Stalker, perhaps not quite as subversively great. Yet...I can't quit you. Maybe it's because I feel Simon's pain. Paula dancing and doing sign language interpretation...love it. Simon asking what the song was called at the end. Holy wow. This guy is destined for YouTube, this song will live on for way too long. "Heaven's Chosen, to Give Chance to Any Talent, for Free of Charge," Simon Cowell. Lapuz, seriously. You're it. There, said it. Better than Paula's Stalker. You're truly Best of the Worst, this season. The first possible breakthrough star of the blooper round since William Hung. I'm in love. Deeply. Truly. You are my brother. We'll best be friends forever. Singing the songs, the music that you love. Brothers till the end of time. Together or not, you're always in my heart. You'll (unintelligible) feelings (?), and you will rain no more (?).
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| Collins: Over-the-top, hilarious...I loved this segement. Classic Idol, and I will buy his single the SECOND it reaches iTunes! |
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| Funk: WE ARE ALL BROOOTHERS! Ha ha ha...yeah, great moment. Him standing with Seacrest in the hallway for 20 seconds before going into the judges, not saying anything...I forgot that, what a wild audition! |
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| Heart: I think we've got to get Clyde some therapy before our next column, so...we should probably sign off about here! See you in San Diego! |
***** DISCLAIMER *****
The opinions expressed by the three "FOX43 Idol Experts" do not necessarily reflect the opinions of FOX43, Tribune Broadcasting or FOX.
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Comments
I love the nutballs who - like Mr. Lapuz - are just super sincere, thrilled to be able to be on TV and meet the judges, and not at all discouraged or obnoxious when they get the No vote.
That, to me, is special. These guys are enamored of the Idol machine and just want to be a small part of it. There's no expectation of greatness, no bitter finger-flipping as they storm out of the convention center, no surly vows of revenge. Just some folks who wanted to stand in front of that iconic backdrop and sing on TV.
Posted by: Joe | January 18, 2008 10:56 AM