The TV Zone

welcome to the exciting season finale of the tonight show, ladies and gentlemen.

as You know, this is our last show after 17 years - I want to thank all the people that made it possible - Michael Jackson, monica lewinksy, bill clinton …

17 years … do you realize when i started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. did you know that?

WHEN WE STARTED THIS SHOW 17 YEARS AGO, JON AND KATE WERE BOTH EIGHT!

THE ONLY THING THAT HASN’T CHANGED IN 17 YEARS…THE CLIPPERS STILL SUCK.

it was nostalgic coming into the lot this morning. we’ve had the same security guard the whole time, and he said the same thing to me today he said for the past 17 years. “and you are?”

i tell you, NBC has been nothing but great TODAY. jeff zucker called me, they SAID THAT I CAN PURCHASE THE ROBE THAT’S hanging IN MY ROOM.

here’s something kind of silly: i’m almost embarrassed to mention this - I WAS CLEANING OUT MY OFFICE TODAY, AND I Find O.J.’S KNIFE. I HAD IT THE WHOLE TIME. i feel so stupid!

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING, “WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO AFTER YOUR LAST SHOW? ARE YOU GOING ON VACATION?” I WILL BE GOING TO A SECLUDED SPOT WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND ME. NBC PRIME TIME.

as many as you know, we’re not really leaving. we’re coming back at 10 o’clock in september. and i’ll admit, IT’S A GAMBLE: I’M BETTING EVERYTHING THAT NBC WILL still BE AROUND IN THREE MONTHS. that is not a given.

JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUE FOR friDAY, MAY 29, 2009

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conan o’brien - i want to welcome conan to los angeles. it’s a big change, because living in l.a. is not for everyone. you remember once, we had sigourney weaver on the show and she once told me that one of the reasons she didn’t like living out here was that a doctor once tried to hand her script while he was giving her a gynological exam. which is odd – because most actresses here have the opposite problem: they go into read a script and wind up getting a gynological exam.

there were some tense moments yesterday here in los angeles yesterday with president obama. a female reporter was carried kicking and screaming AWAY FROM AIR FORCE ONE AFTER SHE INSISTED ON HANDING PRESIDENT OBAMA A LETTER. THEY PICKED THE WOMAN UP AND FORCIBLY CARRIED HER AWAY. IT’S THE SAME THING THEY DID WHEN JOE BIDEN TRIED TO get on the plane.

as you know, PRESIDENT OBAMA was here in los angeles this week to bring HIS MESSAGE OF CHANGE TO HOLLYWOOD. AND REALLY, THERE’S NO PLACE IN AMERICAN THAT LOVES CHANGE MORE THAN HOLLYWOOD. THE PLACE THAT BROUGHT YOU FOUR TERMINATOR SEQUELS, TEN POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES and 29 STAR TREK films. this town runs on new and innovative ideas, doesn’t it folks?

i tell ya, kev, the economy is bad. IN WEST HOLLYWOOD I SAW A GAY BAR HAVING a “LADIES NIGHT.” that’s how bad the economy is.

I SAW A POSSUM PLAYING DEAD, JUST TO try and COLLECT THE INSURANCE MONEY.

PEOPLE out here ARE EATING PIZZA HUT pizza, WITHOUT A BLINDFOLD. forget it – i screwed it up! pizza hut pasta!

you know what’s HURTING - STATE FAIRS. ATTENDANCE IS SO LOW, CARNIVAL WORKERS ARE being forced TO MOLEST EACH OTHER.

you know THE THE RAPPER DMX…today i saw him riding around ON A BMX.

(kevin interrupts, saying the economy is bad form him too and that he’d like to fo a rodney joke) the economy is so bad … you know jiffy lube? (kevin forgets) now they’re giving happy endings!

we’ve had a lot of fun doing these jokes about the economy. you know the reason why they work is because they’re an homage to one of the all-time great comics, and a longtime friend of the show, rodney dangerfield. i love rodney. here’s a quick look back at the man who did this better than anyone else. (drop-in: rodney doing jokes)

you see this on the news the other night - a photographer recently dug up some old photos of president obama from his college days. have you seen them, show that one photo … (actual photo) it’s amazing how many political figures obama knew even back then. (obama and biden) there he is shutting up joe biden way back then … and here he is with nancy pelosi. (pelosi and obama) and finally, with a much younger john mccain. (obama and mccain) actually, not that young.

FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH HAS LISTED HIS WASHINGTON DC CONDO FOR SALE FOR $570,000. i understand IT has TWO STORIES—HIS AND THE FEDERAL PROSECUTORS’.

tonight, former presidents george w. bush and bill clinton held a debate in toronto. oooohh – i wish i had one more day!

did you catch the national spelling bee on tv last night? the contestants take no chances, no matter how easy the word seemed to be. take a look. (drop-in: spelling bee recut)

here’s something nice - 90% OF MEN surveyed SAid THEY’D MARRY THE SAME WOMAN … MEGAN FOX.

speaking of marriage, BIG NEWS FROM the ARCHIE COMICs: ARCHIE HAS FINALLY ASKED VERONICA TO MARRY HIM. IN ANOTHER SURPRISE MOVE, REGGIE AND JUGHEAD ANNOUNCED THEY’RE LEAVING CALIFORNIA since THE BAN ON GAY MARRIAGE.

HERE’S AN INTERESTING SURVEY. MOST PEOPLE SURVEYED SAID THEY DON’T BELIEVE CELEBRITIES SHOULD GET SPECIAL TREATMENT. APPARENTLY THEY DIDN’T SURVEY ANY CELEBRITIES.

this may be our last show, but that doesn’t mean we are out of ideas. it’s time for new segment we call “white trash theater.” these are scenes from white trash life. (drop-in: white trash theater)