Entourage: Let's Blog It Out

By Mark La Monica

Clearly, Ari Gold is the most hilarious character on "Entourage." The only problem is that most of his lines on the show are not reprintable on our web site.

However, the agent finally delivered the "Best Printable Line" on the show's second-to-last episode of Season Two.

Ari is drunk and sitting in his assistant's car after being ousted from the agency. Not dealing with this scenario well, Ari turns to his assistant, Lloyd, and has this to say: "i drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes. Now I'm driving home in a prop car from 'The Fast and The Furious.'"

Oustanding.

Ari's work in Episode 21: Exodus means Drama has clinched at least a tie for the BPL title.

Standings:
Drama 3
E 2
Ari 1

Next week's season finale will determine who wins the inaugural yet coveted Big Knish Award for the most quotable material.

By Mark La Monica

Groin kicks abound on the second-to-last episode of “Entourage.” Terrance wound up his leg like a World Cup soccer player and kicked Ari square in his nether region by making a bold power play in his agency and firing Ari.

Mandy Moore practiced kicking field goals with Vinny’s manhood by scheming with her ex-fiance behind his back, then lied about it, then admitted it with some lame excuse when she got caught by Turtle and Drama. Then she nailed the 55-yarder over dinner when she told Vinny that she’s more inclined to return to the waiting arms of her ex-fiance.

Ouch. That’s bad. Real bad. Third-day-of-heroin-rehab bad.

In life, relationships end, yet they never end well, which probably explains why they end.

One day, you’re on the tea cup ride at the amusement park and winning her the giant stuffed pelican. The next, you’re finding someone else’s used condom wrappers in her garbage can.

Before you know it, you’ve run up a $750 tab at the local dive bar by yourself. The couch becomes your new home for the next eight days. Your pulse rate drops to below sea level. Your hunger strike makes Ghandi’s descendants jealous and Gillette stock drops a half-point because you haven’t shaved in a month.

You’re exhausted but you refuse to sleep because, for reasons that are equal parts illogical and intelligent, you want to feel the pain.

If you’ve lived it once, you’ve lived it a hundred times.

Vinny is about to go through the breakup cycle.

Mandy Moore hammered Vinny. The most common reaction for men is to go out, drink like sailor with a weekend pass and sleep with women like an NBA star on a four-game road trip.

A noble effort for some, but here’s what we think Vinny should do:

1) Visit her one time “just to talk” and swipe that Niche painting. Then have Turtle sell it on eBay and send her the link after the auction is completed.

2) Pack up all those nostalgic things from the relationship (the cards, the letters, the movie stubs, the plastic lobster from that night at the arcade) and mail it to her. C.O.D! With delivery confirmation, too, so you know she got it. It’s worth the 45 cents.

3) Have Johnny Drama siphon the gas out of her car. Sure, it’s a bit immature, but it’s also really funny, especially with the price of gas these days.

4) Tell her you’re going to quit “Aquaman” and then wish her “all the best” with the other guy. Big-time guilt trip will force her to quit the movie and Vinny still gets paid.

5) Obtain the other guy’s email address then Google the phrase “free mailing lists” and have yourself some fun.

By Mark La Monica

No surprise this week as once again Johnny Drama delivered "Best Printable Line."

With just two episodes left this season, Drama has a one-game lead over E for the title. At season's end, the winner will be received the coveted Big Knish award.

In Episode 20: Good Morning Saigon, Drama and Turtle are cruising through a presumably not-so-safe neighborhood in search of the rapper who left his demo CD in E's Maserati.

Drama, in his typical angst-ridden manner, comes out with, "It's crazy coming down here not strapped."

Ridiculous. Hilarious. Hilarious. Ridiculous.

By Jonathan McCarthy

Did you notice something different about Entourage last night? Yes, it started 15 minutes later, but there was something else.

It was really funny.

Of course, you shouldn't be surprised by that fact, since Entourage does feature some of the best writing on television, but let's admit, the last two episodes had something wrong with them.

Simply, Mandy Moore is killing Entourage. Don't get me wrong, she is a pretty decent actress (see Saved!) and there is an eye-candy factor, but as Turtle said a few weeks back, "She is Kryptonite to Aquaman."

What makes Entourage great is that it is four guys living the dream life of every guy in America. Every guy has a friend who got married and then stopped playing cards, going out, drinking… insert vice here. Granted, the girl is not Mandy Moore, but the result is the same. It's not that special.

This episode showed E getting chastised for Vince being a bad influence on Mandy, Turtle becoming a music manager and Johnny Drama being Johnny Drama. What shined above everything else was that these boys have each others back and it looks like that allegiance in the very near future will bring an end to Vince and Mandy.

Great! Now let's get back to the party.

By Mark La Monica

Line of the week, part 1

Johnny Drama once again delivered the "Best Printable Line," and with only a few episodes left this season, he has a chance at victory!

Vincent informed his boys that he and Mandy Moore have started seeing each other again. Her birthday is the next day and Vincent needs to find a special gift.

Drama comes through with what every guy has thought of (or tried) at least once: "You should've started dating her next week, bro. Could have saved yourself some coin."

Line of the week, part 2

Just as Drama pulled ahead in the "Best Printable Line" standings, E came back minutes later and tied him for first place.

The guys were about to start skeetshooting and Drama asserts that he's a former paintball champion.

Turtle, his manhood questioned, jumped in with "Whose whole family is of Sicilian ancestry?"

A tremendous line, but E trumped them with this retort: "Your grandmother ran numbers out of a deli, Turtle. You're far from a made man."

By Mark La Monica

OK, sure, Sloan is insanely hot.

E’s new romantic interest, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui, is ridiculously attractive in both an obvious and understated way.

But, once you get beyond that (and that takes either several viewings of the show or one or two brutal real-life breakups), it’s time to realize that she is the daughter of Terrance, Ari Gold’s partner/boss.

OK, people, it may be Monday morning, but it’s time to play some logic games. You all remember how this works:

If Terrance is Ari’s boss, and Ari is Vincent Chase’s agent, and Vincent Chase’s manager/best friend is E, and Terrance has a hot daughter, then how does Terrance gain access to Hollywood’s hot new commodity known as Vincent Chase?

If only the logic portion of the GREs, LSATs and other standardized tests were this easy!

In Episode 19: Blue Balls Lagoon, we see E and Sloan getting to know each other over dinner. They arrive the next night together at the Mandy Moore birthday party.

In between, Sloan tells E things about her father and Ari. E uses such things when dealing with Ari, who is already nervous about losing Vincent as a client to Terrance. That’s just not smart. So much for the old adage “What happens at dinner stays at dinner.”

Anyone else get the feeling this E-Sloan relationship may not be all that legitimate? Or that it will backfire royally for everyone involved except for the head of the talent agency?

How many times have you extended a relationship a few extra dates just because the other person was hot, even though the idea of shaving with a razor laced with lemon juice was more appealing than just the thought of talking to that person? Wouldn't you prefer to have that money back now?

No matter how hot Sloan may be, E should be wise enough to see that angle, or at least the potential for such an angle to be played.

Not thinking about that is like misreading the cards at a poker table and going all in with four diamonds instead of five.

Then what are you left with? Nothing but an empty pocket and a story of how much of a loser you are.

Don’t let the beauty blind you.

Johnny Drama wins this week's "Best Printable Line." In Episode 18: The Bat Mitzvah, the guys are getting ready to leave and they're all busting on E's relationship history and his tendency to lament excessively over his lost loves. Drama, anticipating future pouting, drops this gem:

"I'll have the Barry Manilow CD ready for you."

By Mark La Monica

Movie-star looks are overrated. OK, not really. But I won't playa-hate.

Vincent Chase of HBO’s “Entourage” can keep his looks. E can mind to his neuroses and inner struggles with martyrdom. Johnny Drama is still hilarious, but he rocks the goatee and he’s older than 26, a basic no-no for men . . . and women not employed by carnivals.

When Halloween rolls around this year, I’m paying homage to Turtle, the wise-patoot moocher who lives in athletic gear. What the heck, I already have the wardrobe. I can grow a beard in four days. I can afford a new hat. I just need someone to play my rich friend.

Let’s analyze the Life of Turtle:

· He drives his friends around Hollywood.
· He has what appears to be an unlimited expense account, courtesy of one of those friends.
· He gets the residual perks of movie stars, i.e., leftover women, free promotiona gifts that Vincent doesn’t need, instant street cred, no waiting in line at clubs, posse-member aura, connections all around town for anything.
· He wears jerseys and baggy pants every day. (The sight of Turtle in a suit in Episode 18: The Bat Mitzvah this Sunday makes you wonder if the cable box mysteriously switched channels even though you put the remote in the other room during the show’s 29 minutes.)
· He defines the phrase “hanging out with friends.”
· He busts on people at will.
· He's always scheming but never in a harmful way.

It would appear that Turtle has achieved man’s ultimate goal: Do nothing and get paid for it.

Think I’m lying? Ask yourself this question: “If I could quit my job today and never have a problem with personal finances, would I?”

If you answered no, you’re lying. And you should start putting some money aside for the therapy you’ll need in eight years.

If you answered yes, go visit your office’s IT guy and see how long it would take for the servers to deliver your resignation e-mail. Then meet me in L.A. I’ll be the guy in a Marbury jersey, breakaway Knicks pants and an oversized fitted hat tilted back and to the left.

By Mark La Monica

This week's "Best Printable Line" comes from E, who when talking to Shauna about Internet movie writer R. J. Spencer said: "He can wreck a movie faster than Stephen Dorf."