By Mark La Monica
Movie-star looks are overrated. OK, not really. But I won't playa-hate.
Vincent Chase of HBO’s “Entourage” can keep his looks. E can mind to his neuroses and inner struggles with martyrdom. Johnny Drama is still hilarious, but he rocks the goatee and he’s older than 26, a basic no-no for men . . . and women not employed by carnivals.
When Halloween rolls around this year, I’m paying homage to Turtle, the wise-patoot moocher who lives in athletic gear. What the heck, I already have the wardrobe. I can grow a beard in four days. I can afford a new hat. I just need someone to play my rich friend.
Let’s analyze the Life of Turtle:
· He drives his friends around Hollywood.
· He has what appears to be an unlimited expense account, courtesy of one of those friends.
· He gets the residual perks of movie stars, i.e., leftover women, free promotiona gifts that Vincent doesn’t need, instant street cred, no waiting in line at clubs, posse-member aura, connections all around town for anything.
· He wears jerseys and baggy pants every day. (The sight of Turtle in a suit in Episode 18: The Bat Mitzvah this Sunday makes you wonder if the cable box mysteriously switched channels even though you put the remote in the other room during the show’s 29 minutes.)
· He defines the phrase “hanging out with friends.”
· He busts on people at will.
· He's always scheming but never in a harmful way.
It would appear that Turtle has achieved man’s ultimate goal: Do nothing and get paid for it.
Think I’m lying? Ask yourself this question: “If I could quit my job today and never have a problem with personal finances, would I?”
If you answered no, you’re lying. And you should start putting some money aside for the therapy you’ll need in eight years.
If you answered yes, go visit your office’s IT guy and see how long it would take for the servers to deliver your resignation e-mail. Then meet me in L.A. I’ll be the guy in a Marbury jersey, breakaway Knicks pants and an oversized fitted hat tilted back and to the left.