Entourage: Let's Blog It Out

By Mark La Monica

We here at Entourage, the blog, wish to extend our congratulations to Ari Gold and Turtle for winning the Big Knish Award, given at the end of each season to the character with the most memorable and printable quotes.

It was a heated contest each season and Turtle came on strong late to earn a share of the title.

Congratulations again to both Ari and Turtle for giving us so much good material to use in the office on Monday.

Final Season Three Standings
* Ari Gold 3.5
* Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 2
Turtle's mom 1

Big Knish History
Season 3 -- Ari Gold, Turtle
Season 2 -- Johnny Drama
Season 1 -- Blog didn't exist

Best Printable Line rules
Just to refresh your memory, the weekly honor of Best Printable Line comes with the caveat of the quote being able to be reprinted for people of all ages. If not for this rule, Ari Gold would win every week. If not for this rule, I'd have been fired for dropping too many curses and lewd material in this blog.

By Mark La Monica

They're never good. Never easy. Never simple.

Oh sure, we map out in our heads just how we'll play it when the time comes, but breakups are always awful to deal with. They never end well, which of course, is usually why they're ending in the first place.

Doesn't matter how justified in the decision we feel, there's still discomfort and awkwardness. Whether you're ending a relationship or a friendship or even leaving one job for another, it can be painful. Too many memories, and they always pop up later on at the worst times.

Watching Vince debate whether or not to fire Ari Gold, the only agent he's ever had, was unpleasant. Kind of like when you're making a mental list of pros and cons about your significant other and then discussing them with your friends when trying to decide if you should dump them. (Don't even act like you haven't done that at least once in your life.) It's not fun to do, but it has to get done.

True to form, Vince's friends played both sides. Drama favored Ari, not because of his status as a client, and gave a passionate speech for maintaining the status quo. Turtle had the complete opposite point of view. Real life at its finest, which is one of the biggest compliments we can give to the show's writers. (For the record, this was the best written episode of the season, perhaps all three.)

When E stepped in at the end of the season finale and actually said, "You're fired," the verbal groin kick delivered to Ari resonated with every one of us Entouragers. We've all been there at least once, be it the dumper or the dumpee. Neither is enjoyable.

No matter how slimy Ari is, he's a very lovable character. You root for the guy to win, and deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want him to win by doing something shady.

That's why we laughed when Ari pretended to be E and canceled their meeting with another agent. That's also why it hurt so much to watch Ari and Vince break up for the second straight season. Ari lost and we've got at least four more months until we find out what happens to him next. (The remaining eight episodes of "Season Three" won't air until January at the earliest.)

"Entourage" without Ari Gold is like a commuter without E-ZPass. It makes no sense and everyone involved suffers. So, we're comforted by the fact that during this post-breakup phase, there's still a chance for reconciliation. Hug it out and make up!

By Mark La Monica

Just my luck. Work kept me away from the original 10 p.m. airing of the season finale of "Entourage" and now I have to spend the first hours of Monday morning sifting through the best written episode of the season for "Best Printable Line."

Great lines were flying in all directions in the season finale. Turtle had a few. Ari had a few. Even Lloyd and E came through with quotable material.

But, after careful analysis, Week 12's BPL goes to Drama.

He locked it up early in the episode when he was trying to explain to Vince and the guys that they should meet with other agents before firing Ari.

"Nobody appreciates their girlfriend til they get herpes from the next broad, know what I'm saying?" Drama said.

Just a brilliant line and delivered in classic Drama fashion. I immediately lost it when I first heard that line. Of course, I also immediately knew we'd have a tie for Big Knish Award, given to the season-long winner of Best Printable Line.

I tried to find a Turtle or Ari that could top Drama's just to avoid that awkward "Bud Selig I guess we have a tie" shoulder shrug. Turtle came close with his printable "I'll give them 10 for amenities . . . " but that would have been forcing the issue only to avoid a tie.

That's just not ethical. That would be like an 3-12 NFL team intentionally tanking the last game of the season just to ensure the No. 1 pick in the draft.

So, we're left with a tie as Turtle and Ari split the Big Knish Award. We'll have a ceremonial blog posting on Tuesday celebrating their co-victory.

Best Printable Line Standings
* Ari Gold 3.5
* Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 2
Turtle's mom 1

* co-champions

By Mark La Monica

12:36 a.m. and I'm still furious!

Tonight was brutal with a capital BRUTAL.

New-to-the-land-but-quick-with-the-wit friend Dooley tried going through an intermediary in an attempt to ruin my world by telling me what happened in the season finale.

Intermediary friend Eileen was wise enough to ask me first if such a thing would be considered safe for the health of these people involved with the subversive tactic.

My response was: " i will stab her in the eye if she opens her mouth. i got it on DVR."

With that fire successfully put out, in came the comments from readers. I love my readers dearly, and I love the success of this blog this season, but the little "Hey, dude, you got an email" indicator on my computer was a form torture not even Rumsfeld knows about. It hurt to see so many comments come flying in within 30 minutes after the season's end.

Bam! Boom! Bing! Pow!

It was like being in the ring with Rocky in the 15th round. Just crazy left-right combinations to which there is no defense.

Chi-town friend Autonacci even tried to IM some stuff, but I had to instruct him about the health risks that accompany such acts of aggression.

I'm not sure if I did all my Emmy work for the site to the fullest, but I know I can't sit here anymore and wonder what happened. Time to leave and pray that James Dolan's Cablevision DVR worked properly.

By Mark La Monica

It's 10:32 p.m. and I'm furious!

Not because of what happened on the season finale of my favorite television show, but because I don't know what happened on the season finale of my favorite television show.

See, it's Emmy night and the way it works here is I have to work Sunday night to deal with those awards. Sure, it's fun, but not on season finale night.

Two points of comfort:

1) At least Jeremy Piven won an Emmy. (But will he win the more-coveted Big Knish?)

2) Boss friend Lil Jon, the one who makes the schedule, sent me a text message earlier today that his cable box is messed up so he can't watch the show until HBO West airs it at 1 a.m.

You reap what you sow, pal!

By Mark La Monica

Season Three comes to a close this Sunday, which is quite a sad moment. It means the summer is just about over and we have no idea if any of the new primetime shows will be any good.

Hopefully, some of you were smart enough to keep at least a few of the 12 episodes saved on your TiVos and DVRs.

Some thoughts as we await the finale of "Entourage":

- Firing Ari seems to be an end-of-season tradition on the show.

- He may get canned, but we know he won't be off the show. He's too vital to the on-screen dynamic and to the overall success of the show.

- Turtle or Ari? Who will take home the Big Knish as winner of the "Best Printable Line" season title? This is nail-biting.

- Will Reggie and Jay return E's Maserati to the dealership before the lease expires at the end of August?

- If there are eight more episodes set to air some time early next season, will they package that as Season 4? Season 3 1/2? This could affect DVD complete season purchases later in life.

- If Sloan and E are really dating, they never seem to spend much time together.

- Vince loses more jobs than a secretary in a temp agency, so I'm guessing somehow the Ramones project will work out nicely for him.

- I still want to be able to buy tickets to Queens Boulevard, the black & white version.

By Mark La Monica

As we've learned in life -- and Episode 10 of Season Three -- couples keep lists of celebrities they are allowed to sleep with while in a monogamous relationship and it's not considered cheating.

Last week, we here at "Entourage, the blog" asked readers to submit their version of "The List."

The response was overwhelming. Thanks to all who participated, even the ones who didn't take it seriously. At least you made the bean counters laugh, and that counts for something.

A quick analysis of the data shows readers have a wide range of tastes. The 165 votes cast for females included 95 different women. Of the 30 votes cast for males, 18 different men were represented. (And when you eliminate the 10 joke votes for men, there were still 16 different people represented on the ballots.)

The most lusted-after woman among readers is Scarlett Johansson. There are two obvious reasons for this: 1) "Entourage" fans support those who do cameos on the show; 2) She's insanely beautiful.

The most desirable male* is no surprise either: George Clooney. Two reasons for Clooney's selection: 1) He's Danny Ocean; 2) He's a handsome man.

(* "Mark Lamonica" received five votes, all of which were submitted by the same person at the same time. The judges were greatly amused at that reader's wit. They also decided that since the name was not spelled accurately as "Mark La Monica", they must have been referring to "Mark Lamonica," and that my dear readers, would be pro wrestler Bubba Ray Dudley. "Charlie Zimmerman" also received five votes at once, but we don't know who that is. Is it this guy? Or maybe this guy?)

Click on the link below for the entire list as voted on by our readers.

By Mark La Monica

He introduced the world to "Victory!" and the world has never been the same.

Now, Johnny Drama gives us something unspellable, something illiterate, something with an indeterminable number of syllables. But it is just as outstanding as his "Viking Quest" chant. Drama's personal rallying cry before auditions and actual acting should resonate with all fans of this show.

With this new chant meant to psych himself up before a big moment, Drama has solidified himself as the fourth noun, fifth concept overall, to be considered "inherently funny." (The others, by the way, are chimps, midgets, farting and people falling down. Hey, some of these things may not be nice to laugh at, but they are just plain funny. Next time you see someone you don't know trip over a curb or fall down in the office, I challenge you not to laugh.)

The next time you have a big meeting or a big conference call or big whatever, a Drama scream like we saw in this past episode is in order. It could be the difference between closing the deal and updating your resume.

It's the 2006 answer to Bud Fox in "Wall Street" -- looking in the mirror before his meeting with Gordon Gekko and saying, "Well, life all comes down to a few moments. This is one of them."

Although the Bud Fox line is an enjoyable movie reference to work into your daily routine, it won't cause innocent bystanders to look at you weird. And really, what's the point in psyching yourself up if innocent bystanders won't look at you weird?

I have a meeting a 2 p.m. on Monday and at 1:59 p.m., I absolutely will look in a mirror and scream indecipherable syllable(s) to get ready. And when people stare at me, I will say, "Hey, it's a Drama Club thing. Go read my blog."

COMING TUESDAY: The final tally of readers' entries for "The List."
COMING THURSDAY: What will happen to Ari Gold?

By Mark La Monica

If "Entourage" were only five minutes long, Ari Gold would have locked up the Big Knish Award for winning the Season Three "Best Printable Line" title. The clincher would have been the Liberace mugging line about Martin Landau's car.

But alas, this show only seems like five minutes long. Turtle came in with a gem to steal this week's honor and force a first-place tie with Ari.

Vince guided Turtle down some sketchy looking back alley in Los Angeles and then handed him a thick envelope full of cash. Vince refused to explain why they were there, but just told Turtle to ask for "Jimmy."

Turtle responded, "Vince, what the hell's going on? I feel like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth."

Outstanding!

There's only one episode left for Ari and Turtle to battle it out for the Big Knish. Based on the coming attractions, which the BPL judges mistakenly watched for the first time all season, Turtle has been installed as the favorite heading into the week.

Best Printable Line Standings
Ari Gold 3.5
Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1

By Mark La Monica

I first was introduced to "The List" several years ago in the pool at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. My first reaction was "This is stupid." Clearly, that was the rum talking because this is a great game to play with significant others.

Great . . . until the significant other actually accomplishes the mission and then tells you about it. Now, you may be thinking "Why the hell would I tell the person I'm with about this?" Well, what's the point of making a list of celebrities it's OK to sleep with when you're in a serious relationship if you can't talk about it when it happens?

It's all fun and games until someone loses his or her Celebrity List cherry. Then it's just plain painful. Imagine being the dude who comes home and hears "Honey, I just slept with Vincent Chase right here in the same bed you and I sleep in every night, but it's cool because he was on my list" from the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Gee, that's about as precious and heartwarming as slamming your package in the glove compartment.

Watching the scene when the girl tells Vince she's getting married is equal parts id-satisfying fantastic and soul-damaging brutal. "The List" is so far-fetched in reality that when you see or hear someone accomplish it, you have to admire it. But the word "married" and its various grammatical cousins should still be something of nourishment for our moral fabric. If you watch closely, Vince's expression includes a bit of disappointment and shock when hearing the news of the girl's pending nuptials.

That being said, let's have a little fun. We'll assume Turtle and Drama could hold a steady girlfriend in order to activate "The List" and hypothesize for the entire crew. (Top five listed alphabetically).

Vince*
Halle Berry
Jennie Finch
Angelina Jolie
Maria Sharapova
Charlize Theron
* It's about as fair as a baseball hit behind the plate for this guy to have a list, but fun is fun. And I'm all for equal rights.

Drama
Diane Lane
Julia Roberts
Mia Sara
Brooke Shields
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

E
Mischa Barton
Paris Hilton
Susan Lum (think waaaaay back!)
Suchin Pak
Tori (Sloan's friend)

Turtle
Drew Barrymore
Jenna Jameson
Lil Kim
Jessica Simpson
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

Geography plays a key role in the game. In the 2005 U.S. census, 99.2 percent of Americans reported still holding on to unchecked lists. That successful 0.8 percent all live in or around Hollywood.

In the interests of fairness and full disclosure, I shall reveal my top five because I want you all to use the comments on this blog to submit your list. We will compile those results and produce the official "Entourage, the blog List," so feel free to forward this around to your friends. All genders are invited to participate.

Jessica Alba
Lindsay Lohan
Jennifer Lopez
Madonna
Michelle Rodriguez

Your turn!

By Mark La Monica

If you didn't see the shafting of Turtle's record deal with Saigon coming, then maybe you should take a few days off from work and go see Dr. Melfi.

Two reasons it could never work out: 1) Two big-time players in the show would detract from the show; 2) The record industry, especially the rap side of it, is extremely shady.

However, it was quite amusing to see Drama being dangled off the balcony by Saigon's new/old manager. And the fact that this manager knew Drama was in "Viking Quest" was an eloquent touch by the writers.

If you're wondering "Where have I seen that before?" the answer is simple:In 1990, Vanilla Ice claimed that Death Row Records entrepreneur Suge Knight dangled him off a 15th-story balcony of a hotel demanding royalties from "Ice, Ice Baby."

Come to think of it, Drama and Vanilla Ice have a lot in common. Both were one-hit wonders with "Viking Quest" and "Ice, Ice Baby." (Although, some could successfully argue that Ice's song "Stop That Train" was good.) Both are now washed up and desperate for work.

Could this possibly be the stage-setting for an episode in which Drama gets a call to be on "The Surreal Life" or some other reality show for old-school celebs? That would be so beyond hilarious that it's not even funny.

COMING TUESDAY: "The Celebrity List"

By Mark La Monica

In the perfect world, Martin Landau would win the Big Knish outright for his work in this episode about Brando and the maid. Such precision, such deft. That's why he's a big dog in Hollywood.

But, the world is far from perfect, so we're going to have to stick to the rules of "Best Printable Line" and give it to Turtle again this week. He's making a strong run at Ari Gold for the title.

Drama is driving Turtle through Saigon's neighborhood en route to his house. Drama explains he's not happy about being in this town for the second time without his nunchucks (honorable mention for BPL, by the way).

Turtle retorts with a great line, both in the wording and the recipient of such wording.

"Oh, you're not happy. I've got 40 grand riding on finding Saigon in the next four hours. If I don't, I'm gonna kill myself by eating all your Propecia pills."

Boom!

Best Printable Line Standings*
Ari Gold 3.5
Turtle 2.5
E 2
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1

* Ari Gold has a 1-game lead with two weeks left in the race for the second Big Knish Award.

By Mark La Monica

Educator friend Avram sent me an IM a week or so ago. It was part-informative, part-taunting. The HBO gem "Entourage" was going to be filming scenes for an upcoming episode at his place of educational business.

I was thoroughly enraged by his mocking of my geographic inferiority, but I calmed down and thought of my readers. Maybe they'd like a little first-hand retelling of someone else's first-hand experience.

So, I put the kid to work and made him commit to writing about his day on set for this blog. Nothing wrong with a little free content, especially when it's exclusive and for the betterment of the people.

Here's Educator friend Avram's tale about being on set during an on-location filming of an episode of "Entourage," set to air in the second half of the third season:

"It was difficult not tripping over all of the cables running through the hallways of the synagogue today while a future episode of Entourage was being filmed. It turns out the location scout for the show was attracted to the 'hippie/liberal' feeling of the synagogue where I work. He also said the large parking lot and walkway to the front door of the building had an authentic Reform Jewish feeling to it.

"Living in Los Angeles, it is not so unusual for me to accidentally hit on the likes of Jessica Biel or spot Carson Daly or Phil Jackson chowing down on Mexican food at the local cantina. Star spotting is fun to tell your out-of-town friends about because they always seem excited to hear it, but truth be told, it happens frequently in Los Angeles. What doesn’t happen frequently is that an HBO television series invades your workplace.

"As I sat down to my free catered lunch with my colleagues and 200 Entourage extras, I felt like I was in the movie 'The Sting.' Remember the scene where everyone is getting into costume and pretending to be high-class horse gamblers? Well, I was in a tent full of people dressed like Jews, ready to pray, but none of them were who they were dressed like. I asked one production person and his guestimate was that only 20 percent of the actors were Jewish. I was watching old married couples filling their plates with salads and fruits, thirty-something actresses in sheitels (wigs that orthodox women wear) eating seared ahi tuna, and men in white yarmulkes trying to keep the chocolate syrup off of their blue and white prayer shawls.

"My star sightings today included Jeremy Piven, his on-screen wife Perrey Reeves, and their on-screen daughter. I didn’t have any interactions with the 'stars,' but the extras were quite happy to see a smiling face that cared about them. During the shoot extras are basically treated like cattle and since I had nothing invested in the shoot, I was happy to reach out to them and hear their stories. I tried not to disturb them during their sudoku games, crossword puzzles, and cat naps. Oh to be an extra.

"I’m excited to see the episode which is supposed to air sometime in January. Even my assistant got in on the action. They hired her to be an extra for the day, great news for her, but I had to answer all my own phone calls."

By Mark La Monica

"Entourage" plus Las Vegas requires more than just one day of blog material. So, here we go with my famous "Random Thoughts" blog:

* Althought it was nice to see Seth Green virtually reprise his role as a jerk from "Can't Hardly Wait," if I ever come across him in real life, there's going to be a misunderstanding. I can't allow such disrespectful things toward my Sloan to go unchecked.

* I'm wondering if skateboarder Chad Muska had advance knowledge of this past episode. In case you didn't hear, Kevin Connolly (real-life E) clocked Muska in Hyde, a Hollywood hotspot, after Muska, the guest DJ that night, made a disparaging remark about real-life girlfriend Nicky Hilton. Interesting sidenote No. 1: Connolly has some boxing background in his family. Interesting sidenote No. 2: Connolly made his movie debut as Chickie, the bully who beat up little Stallone in "Rocky V." Don't mess with Connolly. The fella can throw hands.

* Gotta love Ari Gold cursing at everyone in sight at the blackjack table. I feel your pain, Ari. I've been there.

* As a former DJ and lifelong appreciator the blending of music and movies/television, I thoroughly enjoyed the use of "Luchini" by Camp Lo when they boys hit the casino floor.

* The $5 bet on red at the roulette table to start the weekend is a nice tradition. I may have to include that in my repertoire, somewhere in between the playing of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones immediately upon landing and "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra en route to the airport.

* I hope Knicks coach/president/general manager Isiah Thomas makes more crazy trades soon. I want to see how many ill-advised trades can be reflected in Knicks jerseys worn by Turtle. (Steve Francis made the cut this episode.)

* This was the first time "Entourage" went on location outside of the Southern California area. This gives hope to my homecoming episode idea for Season 4.

By Mark La Monica

Maybe it's just me and my disturbing devotion to the sport of blackjack, but once I saw Vince Chase get dealt that second 8, I sat up on my couch and began screaming "Split em!"

Force of habit, perhaps.

I hoped the next card out would be an 8. "Split once, split twice," I said aloud, as if I were at the table myself with a stack of chips. Boom, there's the third 8.

Full disclosure time: Last week, I was flying home from a vacation where I gambled in two states, geographically speaking, that is. On the flight home, I tried to imagine the actual number of hands of blackjack I've played since my first trip to Las Vegas in 1999. According to my math, it's at least 250,000 hands.

I've been faced with the three 8s scenario before. It's exhilarating. And it always happen once you ramp up your bet. Just ask the Venetian. Back in 2001, I went to four 8s, doubled three of them and won all four hands. Of course, it was only a $25 bet (hey, that's big money for me), but that turned into $175 in the span of about 11 seconds.

Typically, you'll get one, maybe two chances to double. Vince gets one chance and the dealer gave it to him hard. A sweet looking 3 to go along with his 8-3 combo. That's a straight groin kick right there. Trust me, it hurts. That's why, when playing these dream hands, you have to ask the dealer to keep that double card down so you can't watch the actualy foot being delivered to your sensitive area.

When the dude sitting third base (Paul from "Cheers" by the way) split his kings against the dealer's six, I heard myself, Lawyer friend Steve, Carpet King Billy Drama, Party promoter friend Jann, Film friend Sirr and the rest of my Blackjack Maniacs -- all in different parts of the country on this night -- stand up and scream "Are you a freakin' idiot? Do not split those kings or I will beat the crapola out of you and your family." Give or take a word.

As Carpet King Billy Drama preaches, "You only split kings against a six when you're drunk as a skunk and you moon the dealer when you do it."

Truer words may never have been passed down from one generation to another.

It turns out the move helped Vince and Ari because the guy on third base pulled two 10s. The dealer flipped a 5, then drew a 3 and a 10 for a 24 and busted. Vince just won $300,000 on that one hand. God bless the sport of blackjack.

The blackjack table can ruin lives. Strangely enough, though, it breathes life into life at the same time.

By Mark La Monica

Back on the night of June 18, 2006, the judges came within a receding hairline of giving Drama the first-ever non-spoken Best Printable Line weekly honor for his dive into the pool.

Nearly two months later, we come close again. His right haymaker to one of Seth Green's boys was priceless, especially when watched in slow motion.

But since we didn't do it the first time, and that dive was better than the haymaker, we must look in another direction.

Seth Green came close right before the punch, and it would be printable. But I can't allow such disrespect of Emmanuelle Chriqui to be rewarded with anything but a vicious Drama haymaker.

So, this week, Best Printable Line goes to Turtle for his poolside chat with a bunch of strippers all trying to curry some favor in advance of the upcoming, um, "beauty contest."

"Fortunately for you ladies, I left my integrity in Los Angeles," Turtle says to the ladies by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. "My vote is 100 percent for sale."

Turtle solidified this week's top honor later in the show. Vince finds out about Turtle's maneuverings and suggests that his vote can't be bought just because a girl promised to sleep with Turtle. Turtle responds with, "I don't care who wins. I cut deals with all of them."

Outstanding. Vegas, baby.

Best Printable Line Standings*
Ari Gold 3.5
E 2
Turtle 1.5
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1

* Ari Gold has a 1.5-game lead with three weeks left in the race for the second Big Knish Award.

By Mark La Monica

As I watched another three bets go the way of the loss in the third race at Del Mar Thoroughbred Club last Saturday, I got mad.

Time to flip open the rest of my race program to see what else this day of financial ruin has in store for me. I began from the back and found a horse named Make Mine Vodka in the 10th race. Well, it was time to apply my new theory of "I drink it, I bet it." I would find out later in the day that this was a smart theory.

A minute or so later, I flipped back another page and found the card for the ninth race. Hmmm, this No. 6 horse looks interesting. His name? Entourage!

Boom! Let's bet it out!

"Oh, hell yeah!" I announced to a small group of my friends and a much larger group of non-friends. "We're playing the No. 6 horse in the ninth race. I'm betting Entourage and betting it hard."

Time for the newfound "I watch it, I bet it" theory.

They claim life on the West Coast is much more laid back than here on the East Coast. For the most part, this is true. But an East Coaster vacationing in Southern California on occasion needs immediate answers to important questions.

I pulled out my Razr and called the boss. Sure, it was a Saturday and I was on vacation, but this is the Age of Information, and dagnabbit, I needed some information.

Boss friend Lil Jon knows my track record of ridiculousness, so he was wise not to pick up the phone. I left a message, which went something like this: "Jon, I'm at the track in Del Mar and a horse named Entourage is running in the ninth race. How big a bet will Newsday reimburse me for so I can effectively blog about this day?"

He texted me back something to the effect of "You're a complete lunatic . . . but if you win, we split it." Sadly, no reimbursement form was attached.

That wouldn't stop me from playing big. Well, big for me, that is.

An immediate decision was made: the races in between would help build a bankroll to play Entourage in the ninth.

The eighth race paid nicely. Becrux, the Italian-bred horse (is there a better reason to bet it?), won and my crazy blind exacta yielded a lovely $66 payout.

Uh oh, only 24 minutes to post for the ninth race. I approached the window. (Turn on 1989 Richard Dreyfuss voice.) "Let it ride!" (Turn off 1989 Richard Dreyfuss voice.)

I took Entourage across the board, then decided to hedge it a bit and play some exactas. Life is about having options, like Vince with movie roles after the "Aquaman" release. Of course, all those exactas had one rule, not unlike E for his threesome with Sloan and her friend. They all had to include Entourage.

Regardless of the rules, E still won. I didn't.

Entourage came in seventh out of 11 horses. Was never really close either.

Ouch. And I was all set to buy mini Aston Martins for my friends who were with me if I won those bets.

At least the show hasn't been canceled yet and this blog is progressing nicely, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Make Mine Vodka and make it a double!

By Mark La Monica

Forget all this talk about low pressure fronts meeting with high pressure fronts and the inconvenient truth behind the melting of glaciers.

The real source behind this summer heat wave that suffocated Los Angeles and San Diego last weekend and is in the process of paralyzing the Northeast today is the energy sent into the atmosphere by Johnny Drama's classic meltdown in Episode 8.

One scene after another, something went wrong for Drama. And we laughed each time. Drama is coming dangerously close to being the fourth noun considered from the rarefied status of "Inherently funny."

Those positively charged Dramalecules from the parking ticket meltdown combined with those from the Starbucks meltdown to form a serious heat wave of hilarity this week. And lucky for Drama he was kicking indoors, where the weather couldn't adversely affect the Ed Burns pilot script he sent through the uprights after showing up late for an audition.

Lawyer friend Steve called it perfectly Monday night when he said, "All I gotta say is Johnny Drama is Falling Down."

Of course, I had yet to see the episode when he said that to me, so I did the noblest thing possible: I hung up on him. But he's right. Drama pulled a Michael Douglas in the movie "Falling Down." If you haven't seen that movie yet, stop reading, go to Netflix and move it to the top of your queue now!

Drama doesn't resort to violence and destruction during his mental breakdown the way Douglas did in the movie, but that's why "Entourage" is a cable sitcom and "Falling Down" is a dramatic movie that just so happens to be hilarious, too.

We've all had "one of those days" and "one of those weeks" and "one of those years." The daylong versions are so much more painful. Everything goes wrong twice. Then we hit the breaking point, erupt like mad men and women and eventually the natural order restores itself.

Drama goes crazy trying to get this pilot. He predictably falls all over himself en route to the audition. He shows up late and never meets Burns. Then he gets a phone call from Burns telling him he got the part. Natural order restored.

In Season Two, Drama took a golf club to Point Break's hood. He still landed the role he had just auditioned for and was excited a few episodes later when he found out that little anger meltdown wound up on "Celebrity Justice." Natural order restored.

Just another case of Drama being Drama.

By Mark La Monica

Some things in life just are not even close to staying inside the foul pole at the wall in left field. That list includes writing about a well-written show on cable television for a newspaper-based Web site. The show's writers are bound by nothing.

Oh what a world we'd live in if Best Printable Line was actually Best Line Regardless of Content. Of course, Ari Gold would win every week and he would have won about 11 times over during this past episode.

Alas, we are bound by honor and reprintability. So, after writing down every line from the show on a separate piece of paper and putting them in the cursing colander to filter out the unusable ones, we here at "Entourage, the blog" (OK, it's really "I" here at "Entourage, the blog" but I am both of and for the people) are still left with Ari Gold standing tall.

Barbara Miller (you may remember her from the Mandy Moore episodes last season), the sultry yet mighty super agent played by Beverly D'Angelo, cons Ari into a lunch meeting that includes his ex-boss Terrance. Ari is enraged by the Miller double-cross.

She then shows up at the Ari Gold emergency crisis summit lunch at the Hamburger Hamlet. Ari, in true Ari Gold fashion says, "Hey, Babs, the Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting is next door."

Wow. And printable!

Best Printable Line Standings*
Ari Gold 3.5
E 2
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1
Turtle 0.5

* Ari Gold has a 1.5-game lead with four weeks left in the race for the second Big Knish Award.

By Mark La Monica

It's 9:10 on an overcast San Diego Sunday morning and I'm furious.

Not so much because I'm awake and the weather is not the Utopian temperature the people out here glow about. Rather, my furor resides in the fact that HBO East does not exist in this little nook of San Diego that I have chosen to end a weeklong dance on the West Coast.

My flight takes off a few minutes after 10 p.m. Pacific time, leaving me Entourage-less on a summer Sunday night. That was poor planning on my part. No, wait a minute, this is all the fault of HBO programming people and airline flight schedule makers.

A Sunday night without "Entourage" just isn't a nice thing. And it's soooooooo 2003. What did we do Sunday nights before this show began three seasons ago? We weren't actually productive, were we? We didn't pay bills, clean the house or talk to people, did we?

Maybe there really is an East Coast media bias. Back at home in Long Island, I can watch "Entourage" at its scheduled 10 p.m. start time on HBO and then again at 1 a.m. on HBO West. (Not to mention two or three times in between via DVR.)

This will be a troubling Sunday, and I will have to avoid the water coolers at work on Monday because my luck suggests this will be an explosive episode.

The point here is that Best Printable Line and more thoughts on Episode 8 will be posted in the wee hours of Monday night/Tuesday morning. And for an added bonus to make up for my Weak 8 (pun intended), come back Wednesday for a fun story.

By Mark La Monica

Stranded in the living room, Eric was the Everyman. Caught between what he already has, the sickeningly beautiful and loving girlfriend that is Sloan, and what he desires "just because," the nearly-as-ridiculously attractive other girl that is Tori.

It's the classic struggle many men (and women) have dealt with. Often times, we chase what we don't have only because we don't have it and that "it" is something different. Different doesn't mean better, but the male mind is a very strange place to be, let alone try to live with every day.

Nice guy Eric got caught up in a lust triangle with his girlfriend and her best friend after their little experiment in last week's episode. Always portrayed as the smart, emotional one of the group, E's brain went to mush. That put Vince in the role of advice-giver and situation-resolver, a side we rarely see from him. Usually, it's the other way around. But if there's one person on this show who understands sex and women, it's Vince.

E was all whacked out because emotion is involved. Sloan is his girl. Threesomes with emotion rarely produce happiness for everyone . . . the day after. The human brain is not built to deal with all the questions being asked it by yourself. (Did she like it? Am I selfish for enjoying it? What do I say to her when she asks? Am I with the right girl? etc.)

It's a vicious cycle of emotion, guilt, inner questioning and bewilderment.

We've al dealt with these types of situations in our relatonships. Maybe not standing in our boxers in our girlfriend's apartment trying to figure out if we can sleep with her best friend before she leaves for the airport, but in other ways.

You meet someone one night and she's cool, then you go home to your girlfriend. After she falls asleep, you're sitting on the couch watching television and wondering what the other girl is doing right now.

The strange thing is that the girl you're already with is fantastic and is everything you could ever ask for in a woman. Except for one thing: she's already yours.

Credit Tori for being the smart one here and walking away. This just further supports the theory that threesomes are safest when a financial transation occurs first. Well, maybe not from a health standpoint.

By Mark La Monica

First off, apologies to my loyal Sunday night readers who are on this site at 11 p.m. seeking the Best Printable Line. (Don't laugh, you Monday and Tuesday readers, the Sunday readers are out there.)

But I'm on West Coast time this week and HBO East is not a privilege. But I'll trade that for my view of the pool and golf course. And I did have a keyboard sent to my room so I could provide the good people of some Entourageness and that kind of dedication should count for something somewhere sometime.

This week, E wins for Best Printable Line. He was sweating out the aftermath of his soiree with Sloan and her friend Tori. E woke up "snuggling" Tori instead of Sloan and was tweaking about it. The boys gave him some good-natured ribbing.

Drama explains to E that are no such things as accidents in threesomes. E responds with, "Yeah, you and Turtle crossed swords in your threesome. Accident?"

Bang. Drama got checked.

Best Printable Line standings
Ari 2.5
E 2
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1
Turtle 0.5

By Mark La Monica

Inspired by last week's All-Star break in Major League Baseball, we present the world's first television blog midseason report card.

Season Three of Entourage is technically 20 episodes, but the final eight won't air until sometime in 2007 as part of HBO's new plan of extending seasons for what reasons I still don't grasp. So that leaves us with a 12-episode run concluding Aug. 27. With six episodes already saved to our DVRs and TiVos, let's review. (We'll deal with the final eight episodes next year once HBO figures out when to show them.)

Writing
Brilliant, as always. The writers have kept up the high level they set for themselves with the previous seasons. Lisa Alden, new to show’s writing staff, delivered a terrific episode (No. 6: Three’s Company) in her first official full-script credit.
Grade: A

Character Development
It’s the biggest reason a show succeeds or fails. No advancement means stale stories. Not the case here. Vince Chase became the biggest grossing movie star ever (until Johnny Depp in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 2,’ that is) but still struggles to land the roles he really wants to do. Johnny Drama has a pilot en route. Turtle is becoming a music management whiz. Ari Gold is building his own agency and has a softer side. So far, E hasn’t progressed much from last year, the threesome episode notwithstanding. But that’s why we have a second half of the season.
Grade: B+

Storylines
The first three episodes did a good job of carrying us from the second season into this third season. The next three episodes advanced the new stories just touched upon in the first three episodes and introduced a few new ones. From Vince’s next project and the conflict with the studio to Ari repping Drama and Turtle to the brief look into Ari’s home life, Season Three has a solid overall flow.
Grade: A-

Creativity
Every episode has the same underlying theme: four old friends maintaining their friendships as they deal with what life brings them. (And the life they lead brings them quite a lot of goodies.) The trick is dressing up that basic theme in different clothes each week to keep viewers interested. Watching Ari Gold’s progression during the “Aquaman” blackouts in the second episode was a unique way to tackle a box-office debut weekend. As was the same start dates for the filming of "Aquaman 2" and "Medellin," two movies supposed to star Vince.
Grade: B+

Guest Stars
This is based on general star power, storyline and performance. James Woods was outstanding as himself. His breakdown on the guys’ doorstep over premiere tickets was hilarious, as was the interaction with Drama. Any time you can get big-dog directors James Cameron and Paul Haggis, you’ve done well. Add Bruno Kirby, who played the young Clemenza in “The Godfather II” back in the day and everyone is happy. Domenick Lombardozzi was exceptional in his performance of “Dom.” We were supposed to despise that guy and, oh lord, did we despise that guy. But, for the love of Pete, more Emmanuelle Chriqui!
Grade: A-

Comedy
Just read the six previous “Quote of the week” entries in the archives section of this blog as the cast vies for the Big Knish Award as this season’s winner of Best Printable Line. Enjoy the laughs those quotes evoke, then realize the significance of “printable.” The best stuff usually has a curse or 12 in it, so I have to avoid repeating those, in print that is. And, seriously, has there been a funnier scene on television this year than Drama diving face first into the pool when the blackout hit at that high school graduation party?
Grade: A

Closure
Leaving plotlines open from one season to another is what whacked “The Sopranos” down a notch in recent years. At the All-Star break here, there are a few loose ends. Fans of the show may be wondering whatever happened to “Queens Boulevard.” The guess here is we’ll find out something soon. And what about Mandy Moore? No mention at all, not even one little crack here and there about her after the huge “Aquaman” release. Surely, Turtle or Drama could have been given a line somewhere.
Grade: B-

Hot chicks
Sorry, lady readers, but the nature of the show begs for such a category on the report card. Although we demand to see more of Sloan (Emmanuelle Chriqui), we haven’t been disappointed with the bevy of eye candy floating around the scenes, even the girl who was “top tall” in the season opener.
Grade: B+

By Mark La Monica

Lawyer friend Steve called me Sunday night at 10:30 p.m. to discuss the show. This is a normal occurence. This time, he wanted to discuss the coming attractions.

I've known this guy since we played on the same travel team in PBC soccer 23 years ago, but this may have been the first time I was seriously ticked off at him. I had to explain politely that he should cease speaking unless he didn't mind talking to a dial tone.

He knew better than to attempt to discuss coming attractions. I don't watch them. That would ruin the next six days, 23 hours and 30 minutes. I won't log onto HBO's site after Thursday for fear of seeing a brief plot summary or a photo from the episode. (Although, I have bookmarked the Parapazzi Chase game. Try it here if you haven't yet. It's a great way to kill time at work.)

I don't even take full advantage of the perks this job provides. Since July began, I've had access to the plot lines for every episode this month. Can't read them. Won't read them. Why destroy the one 30-minute block of stress-free, enjoyable life each week? It takes extreme discipline. After the strength of the past three episodes, it's getting harder and harder to not look. I may need therapy.

"Entourage" is one of those shows you don't TiVo until it starts. (Note: I love how TiVo was originally a noun but has revolutionized the way we watch television so much that it has become a verb.)

Setting your TiVo or DVR to record this show in advance of Sunday nights at 10 p.m. should cause those machines to immediately delete their hard drives and unplug itself from the wall, just to teach us a lesson. Even worse, Cablevision should send those who pre-record the show a pair of Knicks tickets. That'll set people straight real quick.

Re-arrange your schedules. Leave a little earlier from your summer house. Heck, stay later and watch the show there.

Just be in front of your television at 10 p.m., then you can hit record. It's for posterity and future viewing, not a catch-all for incomptence.

By Mark La Monica

So, I got roped into purchasing tickets and walking into a movie theater that happened to be showing "The Devil Wears Prada" on Saturday night.

Not my first choice, but I'll try anything once. Plus, the smart man does what she says, even if the she is just a good friend having a bad day.

I knew nothing about this movie other than it was a popular novel first, has chick flick written all over it and that I was about to watch it.

Within the first minute or so, who pops up on the screen? Adrian Grenier.

"Oh [s-bomb], that's my boy Vinny Chase!" I said loud enough for the gaggle of caddy chicks to my right to shoot me one of those "shhhhh!" looks.

Suddenly, this movie got a little better. I've seen 28 episodes of a great TV show talking about this guy's movie acting abilities and here was a chance to watch it happen.

About 20 minutes into the movie, I thought to myself, "How cool would it be if Vinny Chase's movies from 'Entourage' were actually real movies?"

To this point, 2.5 seasons into the show, all we've seen of Chase's on-air talents is one scene in a looping stage from "Queens Boulevard," a commercial for the Japanese equivalent Red Bull and a dive off the end of a pier in "Aquaman."

No, seriously, how awesome would it be if "Queens Boulevard" became a real movie? Or "Head On." Or "Aquaman." I may be a lunatic experiencing a temporary break from reality with this thought, but I know I'd see you all waiting in line for tickets on opening weekend. Don't even try to front. You know I'm right.

Think of the ultimate power play that would be. A fictional movie created on a cable sitcom about Hollywood turns into a real movie. That's explosive. Send me some ideas and I'll start working on the script.

P.S. "The Devil Wears Prada" was actually a pretty funny movie. Watch the trailer | Read the review

By Mark La Monica

As if we didn't already want to spend the rest of our lives with the real-life Sloan (Emmanuelle Chriqui)!

She returned to the show for the first time this season (minus her half-second, non-speaking cameo in the season premiere), and she made her presence felt.

Seeing how this is a "family Web site," and I enjoy receiving paychecks for writing this blog, I can't fully delve into the ramifications of Sloan's performance in Episode Six. But I can tip my cap to her mindset and say that I support Turtle's assessment of the situation when the guys returned to the house after hanging out at night in the first part of the show.

The ultimate male fantasy aside, Sloan's return gave E an episode that was predominantly about him while weaving in the rest of the cast. Turtle had his episode last week when Saigon blew up on radio and Drama is likely to have one soon. (It could happen next week, but I won't know until then because I refuse to watch the coming attractions so as to not ruin the surprise for next week.)

It also gave us another reason to drool Sunday night. Apparantly, the heat wave here in New York simply wasn't strong enough to drain us of all our excess fluids. Sloan is just plain ridiculous. As I wrote two days after meeting her (I needed that long to fully regain all my faculties):

There's TV hot, Internet hot and movie hot. Then there's Emmanuelle Chriqui hot.

Add:

Prince, in 1994, asked the question in the first lyric: "Could u be the most beautiful girl in the world?" Clearly, Prince hadn't met Chriqui yet. If he had, he'd know that there's no need to ever ask that question.

These still hold true.

By Mark La Monica

Episode 6 brought the pain like Method Man on his first solo album. Great lines flowed from beginning to end.

For the first time in the history of "Entourage, the blog" we have a split decision for Best Printable Line.

Maybe it's a cop out, or maybe it's just a nod to the brilliant writing of Lisa Alden from Episode 6 of Season Three. Either way, who really cares, because in the end, we all win for being able to watch this show.

The first co-winner, based on the episode's chronology, is Turtle.

Since Vince was ignoring his agent, Ari and Lloyd show up at Vince's house. The bell rings and the guys see Ari and Lloyd on the security monitor. Turtle turns to Vince and says, "This must be serious. He brought his muscle."

Ridiculous.

Shortly after that, Ari Gold claimed his share of this week's title. Ari is explaining, loudly, to Vince what will happen if he plays hardball with the studio and can't get around on the studio head's fastball. "He will sue you," Ari says. "He'll take everything you have. He'll take the house, the cars, maybe even Turtle."

Equally ridiculous.

We're six episodes in and the race for the Big Knish Award and Ari Gold is starting to pull away.

Best Printable Line Standings
Ari Gold 2.5
E 1
Drama 1
Turtle's Mom 1
Turtle 0.5

By Mark La Monica

Encased by the snide facial expressions, the self-esteem-destroying comments and the cursing mini-monologues is the softer side of talent agent Ari Gold.

The man talks hard and fast in the office, at the club and on the cell, but at home, his wife rules. Known simply as Mrs. Ari (played by Perrey Reeves), she seems to be the only one that can put a dent in Ari's armored facade.

In the first two seasons of HBO's "Entourage," we saw very few glimpses into the private life of Mr. and Mrs. Ari Gold. We knew he had a few daughters and a very impressive house.

As with all successful television shows, each season brings new story lines. Otherwise, it's the same old, same old and the viewing public will eventually change the channel. Yes, it's true even for a show this good. If there's no character development, there's no show development and no show development means no audience development which means no ratings development which means no marketing development.

Humanizing Ari Gold this season has been a terrific development for the show's growth. He's still that crass, obnoxious jerk at work, but then he comes home and deals with real life. And when he does bring work home with him, the family dynamic is still there. It's not unlike what made "The Sopranos" such appealing television in its first few seasons.

Episode 5 this season (officially, it's Episode 27: Guys and Doll) beautifully illustrated this dichotomy. He didn't want his 14-year-old daughter to date tween actor and next door neighbor Max Ballard. So, he sacrificed his own client (Jimmy Whitaker) and made sure Ballard got a movie role that sent him to Kazakhstan for 24 weeks.

Sure, his daughter wasn't happy about it, but she doesn't know how the deal went down. Ari was just trying to protect his first-born c