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The rewards of stepping into parenthood
Last week I asked a couple of experts, stepfamily coaches, about the biggest challenge facing step-parents. They agreed discipline is at the top of the list. I'm not so sure, but it's certainly near the top, in any event.
Anyway, I've noticed a tendency in myself to focus on the challenges of being a stepfather, but I haven't really focused on the rewards, which are plentiful. Again, I asked for advice. The answer I got back from Arkansas family mediator Bob Collins was so good, I thought I'd just run it without further comment. So, without further comment...
When I became a stepdad in 1994, I was shocked to find that my 14-year-old stepdaughter was less than thrilled to have a new adult in her life to tell her what's what. Go figger!
Over the next four and a half years, she did her dead level best to chase me away. Verbal and physical attacks, silent treatments, and much worse failed to scare me away (they certainly scared me, just not away).
When my stepdaughter finally accepted that I was telling the truth about sticking around, she began calling me Daddy, saying she loved me, and she asked to adopt my last name for her high school graduation gift. I thought my heart would explode!
Stepparenting is the toughest job anyone can take on; it's also one of the most rewarding if done right. Think about it: for a simple investment of time, money, patience, love, and humility, you get the privilege of contributing hope to a child who has seen their parents turn on each other, divorce, and rip their family home apart. You get to show them that love can actually be unconditional and til death do us part - an important lesson they may have had cause to doubt. Yes it's very hard to withstand rejection on a daily basis, to keep giving when your gifts are scorned, to keep smiling when you're compared unfavorably to their other parent.
But YOU know. You know every night when you go to bed that you have done your best regardless of huge obstacles. You know that you are doing the right thing for the right reason.
And some day, maybe years down the road, but some day you will get a smile, a thank you, a hug, just out of the blue. And you'll know that you have bloody well earned it! Then, months later, another sign of acceptance. If you allow yourself to be bitter because the hugs come
too far apart, you lose. If you keep your eyes on the long term goal of a healthy young adult who has learned some positive lessons from his or her stepparent, you win. You win. Period.
At STEP-Carefully! for Stepparents, we consider stepparents who never give up, who keep on loving no matter what, who stick around forever, to be Heroes. Because Heroes don't win medals for just doing the bare minimum, or for sweeping out the barracks during peace time - they get the medals for going above and beyond the call of duty. Heroes get the glory.
My blessings of stepparenthood?
"Daddy."
A cute little key chain which was a gift, which says "#1 Dad."
A photo of a very happy girl, laughing while sitting on my shoulders.
Calls late at night that go, "Daddy? I'm feeling sick. Will you bring me some ice cream? Please?" Which I'm happy to do.
Weekly calls to see if I can take her to lunch (I get to pay!).
My stepdaughter is all grown up now, with her own home, job, and family. Including my greatest joy of stepparenthood - my 8-year-old grandson. He calls me Pawpa, loves to see me, likes to listen to my Irish history stories, and lets me teach him important stuff like how to climb trees, how to bait fishing hooks, how to whistle and how to pray before bedtime.
I wouldn't trade my stepfamily for anything. I am more blessed than I ever dreamed.
Follow Bob Collins on Twitter at STEPcoach
Follow Sun Sentinel Moms & Dads on Twitter at SSParents.
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Comments
"Over the next four and a half years, she did her dead level best to chase me away."
It would be "dead-level best". And you're supposed to be a journalist? They have hyphens in Spanish too, don't they?
Posted by: Billy | May 25, 2009 3:18 PM
Your daughter has grown up, has a home of her own, a family of her own, an 8 year old child, and she seriously calls you to rush over with ice cream when she doesn't feel well?? Something doesn't sound right. My Dad would be stunned speechless if I did that to him. There's no time like the present for her to start acting like the grown-up you say she is.
Posted by: Wow | May 25, 2009 4:28 PM
Such angry little people. You have to feel sorry for them.
I thought the article was heart warming. (Or is it "heart-warming"?)
Posted by: Cristy | May 25, 2009 5:30 PM
I'm with you, Cristy. Sheesh.
And no, Bob Collins did not call himself a journalist, Billy. He called himself a stepfather who built a good relationship with the child he agreed to raise. I should be so lucky.
En cualquier lengua.
Posted by: Rafael | May 25, 2009 10:52 PM
Rafael, thank you for allowing me to brag on my wonderful family in your space.
Billy - mea-culpa!
Wow - I told my stepdaughter when she was still a teenager that she could call on me anytime, at any age. And when she's feeling sickly and in need of babying (don't we all, sometimes!) she knows that I'm never too busy or tired to play daddy. It's my privilege to love her in that way. (BTW, she's a fine adult mom who takes grand care of her own child.)
Posted by: Bob Collins | May 26, 2009 11:05 AM
It is critical that a step-parent avoid the appearance of attempting to replace a parent. This is a fast way to create negativity and conflict with the other parent. Every child can benefit from having more loving adults but not at the expense of the original parental bond.
Posted by: Elinor Robin, PhD | May 26, 2009 2:13 PM
That's a good point, Elinor. I don't know what Bob's situation was, but my girls' father is still in their lives and I wouldn't dream of trying to replace him.
Posted by: Rafael | May 26, 2009 2:33 PM
Elinor, you are absolutely right. If a stepparent tries to take the parent's place he (or she) will just alienate everyone involved. My own stepdaughter sees her bio-dad fairly regularly. The title of "Daddy" she bestowed upon me at 17 years old was an honorary one which was intended to let me know that I had earned, after four and a half years of rejection, her acceptance.
I have never even suggested to her that I should take her dad's place. I teach all my stepparenting clients that it is a privilege to be part of a family they didn't create. Visit my blog (link above) to see what I teach and how I guide stepfamilies to peaceful coexistence.
Thanks for a good point Elinor. I hope your own stepchildren appreciate your love for them!
Posted by: Bob Collins | May 26, 2009 7:55 PM