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The stepparent's biggest challenge
The cell phones go on their chargers in the kitchen at 10 p.m. on school nights. Period. Or else. Or else… what?
I feel strange answering that question. Turn off the phones or I’ll, or I’ll, or I’ll tell you to turn them off AGAIN, this time in italics!
They’re not impressed.
“It’s 10:15. Time to put the phone away,” I say.
“I will,” each one responds.
Will? What’s this “will” garbage? I didn’t ask them to put it away later. I told them to put it away now.
Or else…
And I’ve got nothing.
Discipline is a challenge for any parent of any teenager. And while this isn’t a scientific or comprehensive social poll, the experts on stepparenting seem to agree that the challenge of disciplining teens is magnified for stepparents.
“Many stepparents subconsciously hold their stepchildren to unrealistically high standards,” writes Central Florida stepfamily coach Judy Graybill, answering an e-mail I sent her last week asking what stepparents should know before they take on their tasks. “As a result, their style of discipline doesn't align with the biological parent's style, or their choice of discipline is not befitting to the offense, age, or gender of the child. This issue is complicated by the fact that the children are less receptive to receiving discipline from a stepparent.”
A similar warning came from Claudette L. Chenevert, a stepmom and coach from Virginia.
“When a stranger comes into their lives, and essentially, a stepparent is a stranger to these kids, they will resent anything this person says or does to them,” she said. “A stepparent needs to build trust and shared experience with children before taking on the role of a parent.”
Neither of these experts offered cut and dried solutions, but both stressed the importance of communication as a key to success.
“I would suggest to a stepparent to identify with their partner what they think their role should be and then discuss this with the children” saud Chenevert. “Children love to participate in decision making and it makes them feel like a part of this new family.”
Graybill agreed that the rules need to be established before the need for discipline arises. “Then, when the biological parent is not around, the stepparent needs only to enforce the pre-established rules,” she said.
Sound advice from two people who know what they're talking about. In my case, the girls know that their mom and I stand together on discipline issues. We established that early.
Actually exercising that authority is a challenge for me sometimes because, frankly, I don’t want to be the bad guy who comes down on them because they didn’t put their phones away.
Their mom took care of this particular issue by reminding them of the rule on cell phones and establishing the consequences. I’m glad she was there, but I can’t help but wonder:
Should I have tried to handle this one with her instead of leaving it entirely in her hands?
Follow Judy Graybill on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach.
Follow Claudette L. Chenevert on Twitter at www.twitter.com/stepmomcoach.
Follow SunSentinel.com's Moms & Dads at www.twitter.com/ssparents.
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Comments
Great post. I agree with you that discipline is an area where many parents struggle but even more so in stepfamilies. The cell phone was a great example. It takes lots of negotiations and conversations to get needs met by everyone. Good job.
Posted by: Claudette Chenevert | May 19, 2009 8:06 AM
Thanks for helping out with this one, Claudette. We stepparents really need to know we're not alone. We've got each other to help us through with our questions and challenges, right?
Posted by: Rafael | May 19, 2009 9:02 AM
I wish I had spoken to Claudette before I became a stepparent. I could have used lots of advice! Those who are becoming stepparents may wish to read my newly published novel Lessons From the Cape, available from Eloquent Books. I wrote it from the point of view of a 12 year old, which helped me to understand my stepchildren's feelings.
Posted by: Christopher Doyle | May 19, 2009 7:42 PM
Being a stepparent is hard. Sometimes they don't get the respect as a parent. But with the proper communication, the gap can be fix and a harmonious family will begin.
Posted by: Stokke Sale | May 20, 2009 6:54 AM