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Do you argue in front of kids?
Like every couple on the planet, my wife and I sometimes argue. Usually, I’m wrong. But that’s not the point here.
It used to be just our problem. We could sulk for hours, even days, or carry on that time-honored traditional of low-level marital guerilla warfare in which complex emotional problems are reduced to some tiny personal habit such as how you drink coffee or whether you plop into bed (random examples, I swear).
But alas, this is not a marital blog, it’s a parenting one. So what’s the point, you ask.
Kids.
Yes, fighting – arguing – in front of them.
We all say we won’t do it. But, honestly, how can you avoid it?
And does it make sense to shield your children from all conflict? Don’t we need to learn how to handle conflict?
This came up the other day. Once again, for the record, I was wrong, but the subject matter is immaterial. We disagreed about something. The kids were playing in the living room as we tossed verbal volleys back and forth. I thought about saying, “Let’s talk about this when the kids aren’t around.” But, really, when is that? An hour or so before we go to sleep? And that would break another oft-quoted rule, “Never go to sleep angry.”
So we kept at it a bit. Nothing major. But I could tell that the boys – ages 3 and 19 months – noticed something. They quieted down and, oddly enough, let us have a conversation, or an argument.
We stopped shortly thereafter, although the issue remained unresolved. We both sensed, without saying it, that it probably wasn’t right to argue in front of the kids.
This got me thinking: When is it OK to argue in front of little ones?
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Comments
You bring up a good point, that we do lead by example, and that children learn by example - they'll learn from you two that conflicts happen, and that they can be resolved. Be sure you both follow through on the resolution as well so that the kids have a perception that you did solve/resolve the issue. Conflict is never a bad thing - how it's handled is. At their ages, through their eyes: they hear/see that you are engaged in an important conversation and focused on each other. They watch your expressions. They hear your tones. They see you move about the house or room. They focus on you as much as they see you focused on your spouse. A littler later, they see a smile or hear a calmer tone. Maybe there's a hug or a little laughter. You walk over to the kids and scruff the top of their hair as they get back to their activity; as you move forward to navigate the rest of the day. It's OK - they saw a beginning, a middle and an end. Next time they battle for the same toy - they'll be that much better at working out their conflict too!
Posted by: Cindy Kent | June 11, 2009 10:08 AM
Good thing to keep in mind: When we argue in front of our children, we also teach them what is acceptable behavior toward a spouse.
Posted by: Rafael | June 11, 2009 3:35 PM
My brother and sister-in-law frequently have discussions about my parents and the "other" sister-in-law, in front of their 2 young children. My concern is that my niece and nephew will pick up on the negative things being said about their grandparents and aunt. I understand that conflict doesn't always happen at the most convenient time, but I'd hate to see the kids in the middle of strained family relationships.
Posted by: Kit | June 22, 2009 2:52 PM
My only problem with arguing in from of children is that they do not have the maturity most times to handle the fear that they feel. It's not their fault their parents have communication issues, or that they simply do not get along. I personally feel it brings out issues later in life on a sub-conscious level. Additionally, as the phrase goes, "monkey see monkey do" more than certainly hold a grain of truth. Yes, we do adapt to our environment, God or science has created us that way. However, we need to be a little more thoughtful when sculpting our children’s lives. Basically, we need to stop being selfish, they did not ask to be born, that was our decision.
Posted by: Derrick | July 19, 2009 10:45 PM