We know we are flawed as parents. It’s a universal truth you learn to accept very early on after the birth of your child.

So what happens when you argue in front of your kids? Are you scarring them for life? Or teaching them how to handle conflict? (Click here to read an earlier post from a fellow blogger.)

Apparently, it’s all about how you argue that makes the difference, according to a recent study by researchers at the University of Rochester. The study, published in the Journal of Child Psychiatry earlier this year, suggests that children might actually benefit from watching their parents resolve arguments.

The key is determining whether your argument style is constructive or destructive. Researchers who studied 235 families with children ages 5 to 7 said destructive conflict includes things like name-calling, cursing, physical aggression, crying and “the silent treatment.” Historically, studies have shown that such behavior can make children depressed, withdrawn or aggressive. On the other hand, the University of Rochester study showed that children whose parents argue in a manner that is not demeaning or nasty tend to be friendly to other kids, show more empathy when others are upset and express concern for others.

I wondered about this over the weekend when my parents argued in front of the grandkids. (For once, my husband and I weren’t the guilty ones.) The argument was heated on both sides, unusual in that my mother normally retreats to simmer in silence. My sister and I did our best to keep the kids away, though at ages 6 and 4, they had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

Here are some tips on how to communicate and argue effectively, according to family relations experts at the University of Minnesota:

- Decide on a code word for when things get stressful in front of the children. If you feel tensions rising say the code word so you can stop and discuss the problem in private later.

- Never involve children in arguments. It is extremely unfair and upsetting for children to feel that they are forced to take sides against one parent, no matter how strongly you feel that your spouse or partner is wrong.

- Let them see you make up. Apologize to one another and then sit down and explain to your children how even Mommy and Daddy sometimes make mistakes.

- Consider counseling: If arguing becomes a regular habit, talk to a counselor to learn better ways to communicate.