This is a great list! I try very hard to raise my children to be responsible and do much of what you mention. I am really going to watch myself closer though with my special needs child, I can see where I could really stumble in this with him.

I learned the hard way many years ago when a boyfriend went to prison and cried, apologized, claimed to "get saved" so I would still write to him and send him money. He wrote me the most beautiful and godly letters while he served his time. Turns out I was enabling him in prison and a short time after he got out...he went back to his wrong ways. The parole officer told me that almost all people play their family and friends when they go to prison so you will continue to enable them, because the money you sent buys them cigarettes that they can use as "money" in jail/prison. They write apologies and the most beautiful letters. They all find religion, etc. He said, "Don't buy into it...you are behaving codependently."

After that I went through much training to overcome being an enabler, though we all do it sometimes and have to recognize it. I did not realize how many people are more than willing to use others if we permit it. What is really sad, is when we actually pull others down to help enable those we love too.

Such as my aunt often has a son in prison and she always thinks the Lord has really changed him this time and tries to convince the church, our family, etc to all write to him to encourage him...which is really just to enable him cloaked in pretty words. She still does not realize that she is enabling him every time and that he will always go back to his old ways, because all he has to do is spew out some pretty apologies and talk Jesus with her...and she sends money! Ugh!

If parents would follow this advice you listed, we would not see so many people going to prison as adults. I pray many will take this to heart!

I want to express my thanks to Diane for putting this post together on really short notice. I think it's a great value to our readers. When she does become a snowbird, I hope she and her husband choose South Florida as a second home.

These are some really good tips. My parents NEVER finished my homework or project for me but rather had me deal with the consequences from my teachers if something was not done. Hated that back then but I appreciate that now.

I want to let you know that your book saved our life. A women at church happened to give it to me one day in church. All she said was "I think you need this". That night my husband had a severe diverticulitis attack and we had to spend many hours at the hospital. I just happened to bring the book with me. While he was being taken care of I had a lot of time to read the book. I could not put it down. It came at just the right time. God has a way of doing that. We had been in crisis for about 6 months already with our 17 year old son. He was out of control and doing a lot of drugs. We were in fear for ourselves and him. For those 6 months we kept trying to do things the world's way. Police, crisis mobile, dyfs, running away, tracking dogs, counselor that didn't even realize our son was doing drugs and he is a counselor for courts. We tried 2 times to get him commited to the psychiatric hospital. He was taken there by police escort. I spent 7 hours each time only to be told he did not need to be there. Finally, he threatened suicide and I was able to get him commited for 6 days. After the 6 days they said he was fine and if we did not come get him we would be charged with child abandonment. We brought him home and he attended an intensive outpatient drug treatment program for 90 days. Two weeks after completing this program he started to get involved with selling drugs again. What a nightmare. We kept reaching out for help but nobody could help.

At this same time my husband and I had started to counsel with a christian counselor, who just happened to be our pastor's father and was a retired pastor and high school teacher of psychology. Wow! What a blessing that was. At the same time I had been given the book. So between your book and our counseling we were able to implement the steps. Trust me it got worse before it got better. Our son would always say "if he didn't have to live with us he would leave." When I told the counselor that, he told us to tell him he could leave but that he leaves with just his clothes and nothing else. Well, that is exactly what happened. He made the comment and we told him he could leave and he did. He left for 11 days. Of course, first the police come and told us we have to take him back and we refused. Again, we were threatened with child abandonment. We said bring it on. If it meant that our son would get help so be it. At one point the police officer said "would God abandon his son." We said yes, He gave Him up for us. Of course, he didn't know what to say. A few days later dyfs was at our door. We went through the whole history again with them. We were so tired of telling it but the supervisor for dyfs realized we were at a crucial point with our son. What is really interesting is the whole time our son went to school everyday. The other thing I found troubling is that other parents would let him stay at their home and never even call us. I could not understand that. I realized that is part of the problem. Parents are not united anymore. Well, they set up an intervention at the school with all the officials including the juvenile detective, principal, child school counselor, guidance counselor, dyfs, and us. Our son was totally shocked. It took over 2 hours to finally break him and at that time we brought him home. When we were leaving the school we told him we would take him to go pick up his clothes. He thought we had no idea where he was staying. When we took him right to the home he was shocked that we knew where he was but we never came after him. Trust me, it was the hardest thing to do but it had the best effect on him. It has been one year since it all started but God has been so good. I have to thank you with all my heart for your book.

I want to encourage parents out there, especially ones with children that are 16 or 17 and still a minor. I was so hung up on the fact that he wasn't 18 that I thought I could not do anything. The best thing we did is to stop the manipulation. We had to change our behavior also. My husband did not have very good role models growing up so he would yell instead of talking. Well, there is no more yelling in our house. We discuss and we give our son options. He has been really good for about 4 months and seems to understand that we are the only ones that stood by him through his difficult time.

I buy a lot of the books and bless people with them all the time. You are truly a blessing.
Again, thank you! Thank you!
Blessings,
Nancy Jankowski

Great article! Thanks for the clarifications. I was worried I was maybe enabling, but now I can see that maybe I AM doing some things right. :) Thanks!

I own Allison's book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, and what helped me the most in it is its clear cut information in what is considered enabling as to helping one's child.

I had a couple of adult children left at home (before they both left off to college) and Allison's book and her and Diane's support online was truly a HUGE help for me!

I'd urge anyone with adult kids to get Allison's book and join her and Diane's support group online if nothing else but to get an idea of what to expect in dealing with your adult children.

Great article Diane!

This is a very good discussion on adult children, i do believe that we need to let our children be accountable for there own actions, i also raised a son with a disability and i would would tell him how to everything because i felt he could not do it for himself, by doing so, he did not even know how to make right choices for himself always looking for me to do it for him and be accountable for his actions weather it was in school or church or whatever he participated in, i would always be there to bail him out with the same excuses that i heard in this video, then when things did not go his way, he of course would blame me,i do know of course that i was not able at that time to understand why my child was being the problem always, in my walk with god as he began to heal me in areas of my life insecurities and guilt and shame, i began to see clearly how i was not allowing my son to grow and take responsibility for him self, this is part of growing and learning to be an adult as we are maturing in life, sometimes as parents we are stuck in our own hurts and pains and then put it on our children not even realizing that we are not helping them but indeed we insist that we are just protecting them from life's situations that come there ways. i also realize that without the proper knowledge and if never taught it as a child yourself, you learn what you have been taught, unless you might be so lucky to have had someone in life who took you under there wings to impart this knowledge into your life, for me it did not happen this way, but i am so grateful to GOD for delivering me from my pain in life so that eventually i was able to help my son and teach him in the way that he should go, today he is accountable to himself because of what GOD has done in me and also because he decided to follow GODS ways and take responsibility for himself, hes getting ready to go to college and has his own apartment and is doing good, its a process for him daily to lets say catch up to where he needs to be in areas that he did not grow, but heyyyyyy! its still a process for me. i want to thank you Allison for sharing your story to help millions of people and also to save them a lot of years of not knowing how to help there adult children, may GOD bless you as you continue on your journey in helping adult children become the adults that GOD has created them to be.

Thank you for the article that reminds us of the difference between helping and enabling. Knowing the difference has helped our family. :)

I thank GOD for this article and ministry that is bringing clarification about how parent should bring up their kids or adult children. Truly i live in a society where some parent help ''spoil'' their children by their way of life. I PRAY GOD will help this ministry to pass on teachings to help the PARENT bring up their Children in the fear of GOD so that when they are old ,they will not depart from the Godly doctrine.
I am not yet a parent but my interactions with kids gives me more understanding of who they are and requires.
God bless you.

One year ago at this time, my family was in the midst of a major struggle with my adult son. Not realizing we were enabling instead of helping, Diane's blog and Allison's books really opened my eyes. Things began to change dramatically...in his life and ours. I know the Lord led me to Diane's blog because things were spiraling out of control and we had done everything we thought could be done...everything except stepping back and totally turning the situation over to God and not trying to fix it ourselves.

I found "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" at CVS. The first time I saw it I was turned off by the phrase "Tough Love". The second time I saw it I guess I was more desperate so I bought it and read it cover to cover. Tough love is tough on the parent not the child so don't let that deter you. I would also like to say that just reading the book is not enough, you really have to join the SANITY support group. It has made the book so much clearer for me with the help of the group. I feel like I'm on the right track now and it will only get better!!

Thanks so much for sharing this article. I have read the book "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents", and it has been like a life preserver thrown to me. I felt like I was drowning in my everyday life. My son has had a drug and alcohol addiction for at least 8 years now. Finally, I can clearly see what is happening... and the best part is that I can now see a way out. You gave me hope where I thought there wasn't any. Thanks!

I have not yet had to deal with this sort of situation with my own children, but have watched my parents deal with these struggles with my brother whom has a learning disability. As a sibling, there is often anger at the child whom is percieved to be taking advantage of our parents. Not until recently (having a teenager and a young child with a disability of my own.) did I realize that my parents had only been trying to help.
I know that having children with or without a disability in today's society of "my child has to have the best of everything" mantra. Parents are almost forced to give-give-give. It is difficult as a parent not give our children everything, and even harder to realize that by giving them every thing we are hurting them more than helping them. That as parents we need to let our children learn the from their disappointments and failures. That "You Cant always win" Is very hard to teach our children however is one of the best lessons they will ever learn.
I was given Allison's Book by Mom after it helped her deal with the frustration of my brother. I am hoping I don't have to go through what my parents have, and reading this book has given me some tools to hopefully "nip it in the but". Great article!!

One of the great pains in changing from an enabler to a helper is that others often pick up where we left off. The battle often seems so hopeless.

Actually, this is more of a question. My stepdaughter is way over her head in debt. Nobody bails her out. She is 24, works a low paying job, dropped out of college, but currently is back at it. Does nothing around the house, pays no rent.
Undermines my authority.
Disregards the smallest request for consideration.
I'm tired of the attitude.
My wife seems to side with me about throwing her out,
but so far has not made a move. Am I going to have to be the bad guy & do it, or should I count my blessings that things aren't worse?

Steve,

I understand the dilemma you face. Been there....done that! ;)

However, as we learn in the six steps to SANITY (www.settingboundaries.com), it is vital to our well-being and the future growth and maturity of our adult children to N: Nip excuses in the Bud! That's all excuses, theirs AND ours!

Can you ask your self this question: Would I tolerate this inappropriate behavior from any other person who was staying at our home without paying rent or offering the smallest amount of effort? Too often, as parents, we operate out of the distorted belief that we must sacrifice our well-being for the benefit of our children--even adult children. If the answer to the question was "No"--then it is entirely appropriate to move forward and "Nip THAT excuse in the bud!" No reason to continue to live in a distorted belief system that causes such conflict!

We are not doing our adult children any favors when we rob them of the opportunity to learn from their own life lessons. Yes, it is difficult to watch our children at any age--experience harsh consequences; yet, when parents continue to pay the consequences for their adult child's unacceptable behaviors--they never learn the lasting wisdom that can come out of pain; pain is a great motivator--unless, YOU suffer the consequences for something I have done.

So many parents ask themselves the same question you have asked, Steve. And for each home, the answer may be different; however, as you have learned from some of the comments already posted, the six steps to SANITY provide relief from the conflict you feel. I hope you have the opportunity to check out Allison's book and even visit our webpage.

I am glad that you and your wife are on the same page--it makes your decision and the follow-through so much easier! The Action Plan that is suggested in Allison's book (and actually put together during the SANITY Support Groups), will prepare you in so many ways should you decide that it is time for your adult daughter to move out. It is important to be prepared--before you shift gears: both for you and your wife, but out of respect for your adult daughter as well. And certainly, no one should have to be the "bad guy." This is your house, your mortgage, your life: it is completely within reason that you and your wife decide who and what behaviors are allowed in your home.

When we role model healthy behavior, healthy decisions, and happiness....to our adult children, we provide an example for them to follow--IF they choose. If they do not choose to follow at this very moment, it is their right as an adult.

One final thought--any changes that you and your wife begin to make can be offered without guilt, without blame, and without anger. While presenting your Action plan to your adult child does not happen as a "negotiation", it does not have to happen in conflict. Oh--no doubt--she will feel conflicted; but when parents calmly inform their adult children of their carefully developed and well-thought-out Action Plan (that includes an exit plan) in love, they offer their adult children a great opportunity to learn how to be responsible and independent. Don't let the discussion become an argument--stay focused on your plan--and the desired outcome.

We want to stay in relationship with our adult children--we just don't want to be the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Mortgagor, or the Re-po man! We simply want to be Mom and Dad.

Blessings~

Diane

As the adult child of an enabling mother, I still struggle with day to day life.
The consequences run deep, and although I appreciate my mother, I wish she would have let me be more independent as a kid, si I wouldn't be the mooch I am today.

I am only getting better now that I am a mom and I am trying to make a good life for my daughter without being an enabler to her. And my divorce won't give me a reason to be that way.

Kids need to learn the value of disappointment! My toddler doesn't get everything she wants nor will she. She will be the one to stay up late doing homework, not me.

My mother didn't do me any favors by doing everything for me. I will teach my daughter everything, by not being a pushover!

We adopted our son as an infant, and have always felt he deserved more than others...we created, through this idea, a young man who is selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, I say we created, because we have accepted the part we have contributed to his attitude.
Very hopeful today as I just received Allison's book yesterday and have read almost all of it. It (and God's guidance), have given me and my husband hope for the future of our son and our family.
We do not have any kind of support group in our small town, but are still looking to find one.
Praying for each the many others facing similar problems and trusting my Lord and Savior to see us through.
Blessings,

Awesome article with some very helpful information. Sometimes we are not even aware we are enabling until it is brought to light. Thank you for sharing your wisdom today, Diane.

Debby,

The love you have demonstrated to your son can not be overshadowed by a few parental mistakes. We all make them--we're human after all!

The real tragedy is when we continue to make them long after discovering they ARE mistakes!

You have taken the first step: You are STOPPING long enough to discover the danger of continuing the enabling.

To find a support group (ONLINE) or near you, please check our website. The ONLINE SANITY Support Group just began last night and there is still time to register for the remaining 11 weeks ( http://www.settingboundaries.com/online-support-groups/)

You are not alone!

Diane

Fantastic article! How I wish I could have had this information while raising my children and 'saving' them from each and every disappointment in their lives. I look back to how differently my children's lives were to how how my life was as a child. My own parents did not cover for my forgetfulness or mistakes, they were my own to correct. Diane has great insight - looking to hearing more from her!!!

thank you for this

I just read Allison's book Adult Children and downloaded the audio's. amazing stuff.
it'all boils down to that little cliche'

'you gotta know when to hold'em and know when to 'fold 'em'

I just read Allison's book Adult Children and downloaded the audio's. amazing stuff.
it'all boils down to that little cliche'

'you gotta know when to hold'em and know when to 'fold 'em'

This article is of significant importance to anyone who has been a parent or who has been a child (which needless to say , is everyone!)

I am now an adult, but initially I comprehended this article as the once enabled child. The “Bank of Mom” sounded all too familiar. Though I was not the most enabled child, the extra cash and occasional shopping spree was accessible whenever “needed”. As I grew older, this special treatment became more apparent to me. I now work towards becoming independent and finding a source of strength and foundation in myself.

As I read on to discover some of the characteristics of being a parent and enabling a minor child, I found I actually may enable my little sister at times. I may help her with her homework a bit more than I should, as well as paying for her overdue fines. I felt a bit defeated at first, but was ultimately encouraged by this article to transform my enabling habits into helping in an attempt to improve my little sister’s life.

These points of helping and enabling have not only helped my break free from my past ways, but will also help me when it comes to eventually raising a family of my own. These are crucial points to value in every parent-child relationship!

This article is of significant importance to anyone who has been a parent or who has been a child (which needless to say , is everyone!)

I am now an adult, but initially I comprehended this article as the once enabled child. The “Bank of Mom” sounded all too familiar. Though I was not the most enabled child, the extra cash and occasional shopping spree was accessible whenever “needed”. As I grew older, this special treatment became more apparent to me. I now work towards becoming independent and finding a source of strength and foundation in myself.

As I read on to discover some of the characteristics of being a parent and enabling a minor child, I found I actually may enable my little sister at times. I may help her with her homework a bit more than I should, as well as paying for her overdue fines. I felt a bit defeated at first, but was ultimately encouraged by this article to transform my enabling habits into helping in an attempt to improve my little sister’s life.

These points of helping and enabling have not only helped my break free from my past ways, but will also help me when it comes to eventually raising a family of my own. These are crucial points to value in every parent-child relationship!

This article is of significant importance to anyone who has been a parent or who has been a child (which needless to say , is everyone!)

I am now an adult, but initially I comprehended this article as the once enabled child. The “Bank of Mom” sounded all too familiar. Though I was not the most enabled child, the extra cash and occasional shopping spree was accessible whenever “needed”. As I grew older, this special treatment became more apparent to me. I now work towards becoming independent and finding a source of strength and foundation in myself.

As I read on to discover some of the characteristics of being a parent and enabling a minor child, I found I actually may enable my little sister at times. I may help her with her homework a bit more than I should, as well as paying for her overdue fines. I felt a bit defeated at first, but was ultimately encouraged by this article to transform my enabling habits into helping in an attempt to improve my little sister’s life.

These points of helping and enabling have not only helped my break free from my past ways, but will also help me when it comes to eventually raising a family of my own. These are crucial points to value in every parent-child relationship!

Dear Anonymous yet Appreciative

Thank you for sharing your unique perspective.

Enabling is insidious--isn't it. What begins as an outreach of love, soon becomes a form of harm. I'm so glad that you are using this information to break free from your past ways and to plan to use it in the future.

And thank you for sharing your perspective as a "once enabled child." Your words encourage every enabling parent--giving us the strength and motivation to allow our adult children become "independent--finding a source of strength and foundation--in themselves!"

Brilliant!

Diane