How is a welfare mom supposed to remember that she has left a baby in the car when she doesn't even know who da baby daddy be? She's hopped up on drugs thinking about where her next fix will come from. And worse yet, the baby will grow up just like her unless it is shot on the street.

As a father of six I cannot fathom how a parent could forget their child in the car. Whenever with any of my children their very presence, personal safety and well being weighed on my mind like the beating sun. An external force whose effect one is ever mindful of. But I've also lived long enough to know how good people can make tragic mistakes out of absent mindedness, particularly in this day where absentmindedness has evolved into a withdrawn obliviousness. And, of course, part and parcel to this modern obliviousness lies in how Weingarten and then, Mr. Olmeda, frames the tragedies. "...it happened to a..." is an essentially self-centered formulation if ever there was one that perhaps says something about how one views his children. No, Mr. Olmeda, it didn't almost "happen" to "you" as Weingarten says it "happened to a dentist", et al but rather, in point of fact, you almost "did it" to your son. Too many of today's parents view their children as a kind of lifestyle accessory or type of pet- there for their personal fulfillment and satisfaction. A kind of life rounding accroutement, if you will. But I've always held my children as unique human beings whose care and raising I am temporarily entrusted with and their lives worth more than my own, at all times and all places. I'm sure Mr. Olmeda would say the same but how to explain the inexplicable forgetfulness they are even there? Stand up Mr. Olmeda, take responsibility, forsake victimhood. This incident is about you but not how you think it is. It isn't about how a tragedy almost "happened to you" through some cause, i.e.- forgetfulness, beyond your control but how you almost harmed your child through inattentiveness born of a form of self-centeredness. Take charge of your mind and will, remember always that your boy's safety and wellbeing is worth more than your own life (or "needs") and you will take care of your child and you won't need "gadgets" to remind you to do your duty.

I fear for you.

Rafael, if it is actually Rafael Olmeda, I say wow, that's heavvvy man. I fear for your son. And you to a degree. Any man who views his own mistake, a mistake that could ultimately kill his child, as something tragic that just sorta "happened" to himself doesn't seem to have his priorities in order. You will liberate yourself from a false and enervating victimhood when you understand the incident was of your own volition or lack of it.

Great reminder, Rafael.

Thank you, Mr. Olmeda . . . I just want to remind parents to be sure their keys are in their hands and not the car and don't lock the keys in the car with the baby as well. I did that once.

Mark S. -- I envy your black and white existence, but have found life to be much more grey. On the other hand, it's great to know there are such perfect men in the world as yourself!

"Self-centered." "Should be sterilized." "I could never forget my kid." "Bad parent." "Idiot."

How self-absorbed and utterly clueless does a person have to be to forget their child---anywhere? Especially in a car, when they are sitting a mere 2 feet BEHIND YOU!!! I fear that I have to share the road with these nitwits. These are the same self-absorded fools I see everyday, driving around with the cell phone glued to their ear, yapping away with pure abandon, and weaving all over the road. Get a clue.

We can never be too careful. I'd rather be like the popular TV sleuth Monk, and be over-the top, checking, double checking the car for that precious cargo - kids!

All aspects of childcare require constant focus: giving the baby a bath? Don't even think about picking up that phone or leaving the room!

Playing outside? That's not the time for you to take a nap.

It's a good thing your lesson didn't cost a life - and it's a great reminder to all of us who drive kids: parents, aunts, bus drivers, grandparents, friends, uncles...

I owe Mark S. an apology. My "I fear for you" comment was not directed at him but for the comment before his.

I actually agree with what Mark said (for the most part) and changed the wording of my post to reflect that agreement. This didn't just "almost happen" to me. I almost did it. I do take responsibility; I would not have gone through the process of writing this, of exposing this personal failure for all the world to see, if I were not taking responsibility for my action (and hoping to turn it into a learning opportunity for myself and others).

So Mark, your comments are well taken.

Joy,
Ohhhh, booo-hooo-hooo. Yeah, it's all about the parent and isn't it so tragic that they simply "forgot" their kid and the kid is endangered or dies and it's just so unfair how such a random "tragedy" just kinda "happened" to THEM (not the kid) through no real fault of their own. Like being struck by lightning or something. Yeah, that's it. And, true to our age, now they want to be congratulated on their new found sense of responsibility and lecture everyone else about it. Pardon me, there was a time, not so long ago, when people didn't seek to a pat on the back for not endangering their kids and doing their duty. Funny, I don't remember these kind of stories growing up, do you?

Mark, I think you meant to direct your comment at Caroline, not Joy. And the reason this happened so rarely when we were growing up might have something to do with safety laws that require us to put our children in the back seat in a car seat facing the back.

Not that it's a good excuse, but it's not a coincidence that these incidents increased in frequency when we put our infants out of our sight.

Mr. Olmeda,
Thank you and your point about self-disclosure is well taken. But nowadays there is a perverse impulse for people to air their failings, seek congratulation for them and ultimately to "raise" everyone else's "consciousness" on the matter. Guess I jumped the gun a little and assumed that was your intention. Thus, I absolve you also from my comments to Joy. :) Welcome to parenting, Rafael. It's the hardest job I've ever had.

If someone is running a daycare...taking care of 20 kids...and somehow forgets a kid and that child dies, the book is thrown at that person (as it should be) and they are punished as severely as possible.
When a parent has 1 child...their own flesh and blood...and forgets them and that child dies...the outcry is "oh, their family has gone through enough tragedy".
Why the great disparity between the two? If anything, the parent should be punished more.

Why aren't they all punished as severely as that idiot who left his kid in the car to bet on horses? http://www.kidsandcars.org/news/7_28_07b.pdf

Oooops, I stand corrected. My apologies Joy. And, Rafael, I think you may be on to something. Perhaps a classic case of unintended consequences. That, and too many of today's parents are on the phone while driving, hang up just as they park, or not, and then bolt out of the car.

Seriously? You didn't forget your child. You had a moment where you lost focus, but remembered immediately. It didn't almost happen. I have 2 children and when they are with me, they are the ONLY thing I never forget about. I forget my watch, or my glasses, or even my purse. But not my kids. Sorry - I cannot agree with you. It is UNFORGIVABLE>

I have to heartily agree with Mark S.'s excellent post.
It has nothing to do with black and white or perfection. It has everything to do with priorities.
Everyone, at some time, groans at the thought of unbuckling the car seat belt to remove their sleeping baby, all that implies, just to run into a store or doctor's office or any place they "have" to go into.
So much more convenient to leave them there. Make sure the vehicle a.c. is on high and make it quick.
But, as Mark S. said, it is ALL about your convenience OVER and above your baby's welfare and very life.
If you are so distracted in your life that you cannot remember your sleeping baby in the carseat, then you need a reality check. You need to sit down and make 2 lists. One of all of your "important" tasks and in the other column, your child's name. What one of those is so important that you would even consider risking your baby?
I think along more sinister lines. Other than the stoned out, drunk, mentally impaired, already having no business having a child parents out there- I think the leaving the baby in a sweltering vehicle is an "accidentally on purpose" way for after birth abortion.
You romanced the idea of having a baby or maybe you were resentful. Babies are very demanding creatures and frankly, they don't care if you have a splitting headache, what kind of day you had at work, how you feel about your life, or how many demands you're already juggling.
They are FIRST in line.
I raised 2 babies into adulthood and I worked in the daycare business for over a decade.
I was always too focused on the kids FIRST and FOREMOST.
That is the way to keep them SAFE.
I applaud the lullaby alert system invention. But, it makes me very scared for the child whose parents have to be reminded that baby is there with them in the first place.
The message here is: When you have a baby, it just AIN'T all about YOU anymore, honey and it won't be again for many years.

Rafael, I think it took courage for you to talk about what almost happened. And I like the repeated "Look Before You Lock" quote.
You were distracted and realized. What I have a problem with are the parents who don't "realize."
Hours go by. Someone else finds the child.
I am a cynic, admittedly.
I think there are people, parents who don't want to be parents. They're overwhelmed. They resent the baby because their life has changed dramatically.
So, they "allow" an "accident" to happen.
It's less in-their-face than a bathtub or pool drowning.
I am glad that each case is investigated thoroughly and not automatically assumed to be an accident.

JD, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you did not read Weingarten's article. Do me a favor. Read it [Easier said than done, I assure you]. Then come back and let me know whether you are still comfortable describing these parents the way you have.

Because I wouldn't be.

Rafael,

What you describe in your blog is my greatest fear. I have a terrible short term memory (as my wife often decries). When my first child was born 4 years ago I had thoughts of a tragedy like this going through my head.

Because of that fear I take extra precautions to make sure that it does not happen. Whenever I am with my kids (4 and 2) by myself I always make sure that when we are getting out of the van I open the sliding doors (they open automatically with a switch on the dash) before I get out of my seat.

If I am going to check the mail at my mailbox (which is only a couple houses down from mine) when we get home, I always take the child(ren) out of the vab to go with me to get it rather than leave them in the car for the 30 seconds it takes for me to get the mail.

I don't think I would ever forget them, but I do not even want to chance it so I take these precautions.

Over the summer I read articles on the Sentinel's website about two instances of parents leaving their child to die in a hot car. Those tragedies made me really sad and angry and fearful that I could be capable of doing something like that. I posted several comments on the discussion boards of those articles. Much of what is being said here was said there.

By the way, how did your wife react to your honesty? I do not think I could have told my wife because I might not be alive right now (or still be married to her) if I did! My wife would be horrified (as she should be) if I told her that I left the kids in the car with the windows up and engine off for even 15 seconds before remembering they were in there.

Good question, Joe.

It was my wife's doctor's appointment. I went in, saw her in the waiting room, realized what I'd done and ran out. We both had a "let that be a lesson" moment together. She's a saint, that woman.

Sounds like she is a saint. It would have been a "let that be a lesson moment" ... but just for me... and she would remind me of that lesson for the rest of my life.

I think a little fear is a good thing, if your response to fear is increased vigilance. I worry about those who are so confident that they would never do such a thing that their confidence erodes their vigilance. No one does this on purpose. They do it for a variety of (absolutely unacceptable) reasons, but not because they don't love their kids. And they do it, often, when there is a break in their routine, on the one day when they do things differently than every other day. That's why this post suggests making it a routine to check the car seat EVERY TIME you leave the car.

Thanks all for contributing to the conversation. Except the first comment. You're a twit. :)

Rafael, you're brave for discussing this in such a public forum where you opened yourself up to the criticism you described in your post.
It really can happen to anyone. I agree with your point about putting our infants out of our sight and the increase in these incidents. Also, I know this can happen to a lot of new parents who are sleep-deprived those first few months and for whom the whole transportation of a baby from here to there is still a new routine.
You've given some good tips. These incidents also happen many times when there's a change in routine, i.e. dad or another relative takes the baby to day care instead of mom. Whenever this was situation in my own family (I usually took the baby to day care), I ALWAYS called my husband to make sure the baby had been dropped off.
A previous poster, also mentioned another possibility - of locking your keys and your child in the car. I personally never close the driver's door all the way if my baby's in the car, especially with these new cars that lock by themselves!
Anyway, Rafael, don't let any of the "it could never happen to me" folks get you down. You're a good dad and you've done many people a huge service by writing about your experience and bringing everyone's attention to the WP article.

Powerful story Rafael.
As for people who keep admonishing that this "could never happen to me, I'm just too perfect," karma is like a whip: you better know how to handle it, otherwise you'll hit yourself right in the eye. It happens.

Those who think about leaving babies in the car to do a chore, that's unforgivable. I'm making a distinction, however, between those who really are too self-involved and purposely leave a baby in a car for the sake of a quick run into the mini-mart, and those who seriously were deep in thought, and forgot they had a sleeping baby in the back. It happens.

The point is, it can happen to you, but it is much less likely if you create good habits, as Rafael is proposing, "look before you lock."

I have habits to help me get through my A.D.D ways. My shoes and socks are always by the door, socks in the shoes, shoes neatly lined up; my house keys are on my work table when they're not on my belt loop; my watch next to my keys; my cell phone in the charger so I know where to find it. Some may call it OCD, but I have only a few times not known where my keys were, and one of those times my wife took them.

Good habits are a great thing. New parents need to learn good new habits. Rafael's story should make all parents think about good habits so that overloaded parents, thinking about their awful boss, the laundry they need to do at home, and how they're going to pay the mortgage and fix the brakes on the car at the same time, aren't so overloaded that they continue worrying about all that stuff and forget the baby. They can simply forget, especially when the baby is quiet and sleeping.

Muscle memory is a great enabler of habit. You learn a lot and protect yourself often using muscle memory. Use it to learn new good habits to protect your baby. How many times have you driven home, and you didn't even realize how you got home? That's because of muscle memory. You unconsciously take clues from your environment, and your muscles have been accustomed to doing things a certain way, and you've auto-piloted your way home.

Use Rafael's ditty to help you remember.

When I get home, I turn off the car, open my door, hold it open with my left hip, unlock the back door, pull it open, and check the back seat, and then close it. I squeeze my keys in my right hand, push down the electric door lock and slam the door shut. It's a habit. It's all looks very choreographed, because it is. It's all muscle memory. If I don't do something, it feels wrong. This way I insure to check the back seat, even though my wife has all the kids 98% of the time. It's especially important, BECAUSE my wife has the kids 98% of the time. The 2% of the time, without my habits, I could be in the same situation that others find themselves. Baby in car, locked inside because I forgot I had the kid with me.

Create body memory and habits that make you have to think about what you are doing, because when you divert from your body memory, you'll know it and it will snap you out of your haze.

I have always been too obsessed with talking to her to ever be distracted and forget she is there, but I have heard of friends of friends who take it as far as writing, "yes" on one hand, then when they drop the child off at daycare the circle the "yes." That way when they are at work and worry, they can just look down and make sure.

My suggestion is to get off the cellphones and talk to your children. Even from infants, they will benefit from the interaction. My daughter, who is not yet 2 has the vocabulary of a three year old, with the conversation skills to match. She speaks in complete 5-6 word sentences. All of those benefits AND not forgetting your child, if you just talk to them!

I know I posted this on the FB link, but I wanted to put my two cents in here, too!

You must have to check your car lock before you leave your car at any where.In this days there are so many thieves are around us so for protecting from them you have to keep in mind this.