This is precisely one of the reasons I left my husband. If I had to do it on my own, at least being a true single parent would make it easier to get others to step up to the plate for me!

Thanks so much for the link to Singlemommyhood.com!

We're grateful that this important conversation is continuing.

It's all about communication, ladies. We men can't read your minds. Make us a LIST of what you want us to do, then discuss it with us. We guys work well from lists of specific things. You women are multitaskers and we men are "single-threaded". One thing at a time, please! No, as we're stepping over toys on the floor, we sometimes just don't realize that maybe the room needs to be straightened up. How can we be that stupid? Because our mind is focused somewhere else, either on that business deal, our job, getting food, or wanting sex. That does not mean that we don't want to make you happy: we do, we just don't do details like you double-x chromosomed creatures do. Make us a LIST and you'll be surprised that we actually check items off of it to make you happy. Try it with your man, and see.

thank you for this blog. I am so tired while my husband "plays" by telling my little one she doesn't have to do as I say. I have tried making lists for him and asking him for what I need. He might do it for one day. Managing him (which he objects to) is a huge job by itself. It'd be easier without him.

I don't like being managed either...it's like being told that my wife doesn't think I'm smart enough to be able to handle life as a married man. No 'yes dears' for me. However, I must say that I am one of the men that relishes the looks of appreciation (and the looks of envy her friends give when she tells of my work around the house) created by doing things like cooking (85% of the time) all of the vacuuming, sweeping the floors, and occasionally swiffer mopping the floor. I do most of my own laundry (fold it too) and help the kids with homework, computer education, and learning to deal with issues at school constructively. My trade-off is I get an hour a day on the balcony to smoke my cigar with an ice cold beer (gents, she brings me a second one about half way through) and I play darts on Saturday nights. It's all give and take. and since someone brought up sex...I can personally guarantee the sex is far superior the night after I help vs the nights I don't help. It all works out to my benefit in the end.

If your looking for things to do w/your kids or need a nanny to fill in because of no help from your spouse check out www.mykidscounty.org

Husband of a single mom, that is part of the issue - why do I have to tell you what needs to get done? I have a full-time job too and tons of other things on my mind. No one makes me a list (besides me), no one tells me what I need to do - look around and just do it. Like Eric points out - I am more than willing to do more in the bedroom when it was cleaned without me having to ask - it is extra energy I have since I didn't have to waste it on nagging and that makes a win-win situation for everyone.

I think you make some good points Husband of a Single Mom. If a list is part of what it will take to get some added help around the house I'm sure a lot of moms would have no problem making one. We'll just add making your list, to OUR to do list.

I agree with the list comments. I realize my wife leads a busy life but I run three businesses and I'm constantly going with very little time myself. Once a week WE sit down and make out the list so WE know who's doing what, she knows what she's got to do for the week and I know what I'm responsible for. It gives us a chance to see what's on each other's plates and reprioritize tasks, plus gain appreciation for what each other has on their plates. No nagging, everyone is happy and stuff gets done. The list helps to keep things from getting too overwhelming, some weeks I tackle tons of stuff one day so I can have "a few days off" and likewise. When she gets her list stuff done, it gives her time to plan some "me time" to have a nice night out with her friends and likewise for me; or if we're lucky and get a babysitter for a nice "us night out" =) Ladies try sitting down Sat morning with the hubby and a cup of coffee and talk about what needs to be done this week, next week...write it down while your talking and talk about who's doing what...he takes his list, you take yours and voila! Good luck!

To Rewards Better than Punishment, 15 years ago, my wife and I agreed that it is best for our children that she be at home when our children come home from school each day, so her job is taking care of our household and is not otherwise employed. If she were working full-time, as you are, then obviously the responsibilities should be divided equally, but as I said, it's all about communication. Some guys (myself included) look around the house and just don't worry about the open Monopoly game on the kids' room floor that's been sitting there for 2 days or vacuuming the carpet underneath it as much as she does. She has time for spinning and kickboxing classes 3 hours every day at the gym with her friends while I'm working, so yes, she has time to make me a list if she wants things done. And do you know what? I do everything on the list, simply because I want to make her happy, not because I necessarily believe that everything on it is required. What I could not tolerate is someone who feels like she's the victim and whines about why should she have to do it? The reason is because marriage is a partnership and you want your partnership to work, right? Then communicate - and better in a list than i nagging!

Just to clarify something for the men reading this...it's not about whether you cleaned or picked up or cooked. It's a matter of letting your wife know that you are willing to take time from your busy schedule (like she doesn't know you're busier than heck????) and put her back in front (like in the days when you were dating) of anything and everything. I'm a biker (big teddy bear, my wife says) but you cannot believe the mileage I get from something as simple as taking time to order her some flowers delivered to work (bring home your wife's favorite sweet snack that night), coming home from my busy day and telling her to put her feet up, I'm playing waiter tonight. I pull the bath (complete to oil beads and aromatherapy candles), and a massage before she goes to sleep. It's one night or so a month, but if she knows beyond any doubt that you still will put everything aside, just for her, all else becomes a moot point, ya know? She chose you, just as you chose her, it's up to you men to let them know they didn't screw up...it won't happen without your help. They do it all the time, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the daily details of family life, etc. Pay back is due. Not excuses...

To all of the men out there who say that they need to be told things - let's assume that you have 2 kids that are 2 years apart, ages 1 and 3.

Let's then assume that your wife has a full-time corporate job where she has to get up, get ready, get dressed in decent business attire, drop kids off at day care, then drive 30 minutes to work.

Let's also assume that you have a job working out of the house where nobody cares when you start, when you finish, what you wear or even if you're dressed at all.

If you were in that situation, would your wife have to tell you that you need to get up in the morning and help her since she has to take a shower, put on make-up get herself dressed, then get 2 kids up, or, if they're already up, watch them while she tries to get herself ready, then make them breakfast, supervise them while they eat, then get all of their stuff gathered up for the day?

Would it be acceptable for you to lay in bed sleeping while all of this is going on in your house?

Do you think that you would get some kind of award as father of the year or husband of the year or common-sense genius of the year or even be deserving of sex ever again if you laid in bed every morning and told your wife "if you need me, you come get me".

Oh, and did I mention that the wife also picks the kids up in the afternoon, that is after driving like a mad woman from her job to make it to daycare on time, does all of their wash, buys all of the stuff they need for day care, etc?

Then after the 15-hour day is over and the babies are finally in bed, would you be shocked if your wife nearly strangled you when you started begging for sex "now that the kids are in bed"?

If any of you are finding yourselves in this situation, and you are so lacking in common sense that you don't even think you need to get up and help in the morning, then don't be surprised if you find yourselves on the receiving end of a divorce one day and sooner rather than later. And you will have nobody but yourselves to blame.