What's happening to our boys?

For boys, it's all about "connections, connections, connections," said Dr. William Pollack.

Pollack, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School and director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital in Boston, has been studying and working with boys for years. He's written a series of Real Boys books, and consults with the U.S. Department of Education.

I sought him out to help me understand what happened to Michael Brewer, the 15-year-old from Deerfield Beach who was doused with rubbing alcohol and set on fire. Five schoolmates have been arrested in the case.

Pollack can't speak to the specifics of the case, but I asked him what's going on in general with boys this age. He calls it the "boy code."

As boys hit their teens, they naturally begin to pull away. And society pushes them farther. The message boys get is that real boys have to stand on their own two feet. So they feel left alone to solve their problems and deal with their pain.

"Kids are bathed in it, and boys soak it up," he said. "Boys are pushed away, told they aren’t real boys if they go for help."

By middle school, boys in particular feel disconnected from adults at school and at home, he said. They form groups partly to make up for the loss of adult connections. But while they yearn for adult connections, he said, they are afraid to ask because of the boy code.

So what can a parent do? "Just be there for them."

It sounds rather passive, but a parent can make connections, he said, by having meals together and simply being present. Remember, a boy isn't going to tell you how much he craves your attention.

My own 14-year-old son has told me to leave him alone plenty of times. Pollack said when a boy says "get away from me," that doesn't mean he wants you out of his life entirely. Acknowledge that you understand he needs his space. "Tell him you don't like the way he's asking, but OK, I'll be here." They have to feel safe to talk without fear of recrimination.

That reminds me of my brother-in-law. When his kids were teens, he would routinely just sit in the living room and read a book. Usually the kids rushed past him, but he was there for them on those occasions when they needed to stop and talk. And that was worth all the sitting.

And what can schools do? They can create an environment in which kids feel comfortable talking to adults. Anti-bullying programs will work, Pollack said, if they are "pro-social," or preventative. But the adults have to buy in, as well.

One technique Pollack uses when working with schools is to put the teachers and administrators into small groups. Each child is listed. The adults put a green mark by each child who has some kind of connection with one of the adults. They identify those who are worrisome with a red mark. And those children who don't have any kind of connection with an adult are left blank.

The next step is to find adults who, the very next day, will reach out to those kids who need a positive adult connection. This takes time and effort, but a school can reinvent itself.

"It's ultimately the human connection that will make a difference," Pollack said.

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I think that Pollack's technique of reaching out to kids that are "worrisome" in school is a great idea. Sometimes their home situation is not good. If they could have just one person to talk to it could make all the difference. One of my son's teamates in sports always seemed very angry and aggressvie. Most of the parents dismissed him as a "punk" or a bad kid. One day I struck up a conversation and got some real insight into his life, turns out his dad wasnt around, he had alot of siblings, and mom worked ALOT. He really mellowed out towards me and my son after talking to him for just a bit and making him feel comfortable. It seemed almost like I had to prove I wasn't his enemy but someone he could talk to. Now he always stops by after practice to chat. It can be that simple - it's when we turn our backs on these boys when the trouble begins. I also think we need to consider what happens to boys when they are in a "pack" so to speak. Do we know if this increases aggression, clouds judgement etc etc. It is worth looking into for our communities sake and the sake of all of our young children facing these violent times.

Posted by: Rsamorose | October 16, 2009 11:25 PM

Posted by: Rsamorose | October 16, 2009 11:27 PM

That's precisely what Dr. Pollack is saying. It doesn't take much to reach out and just listen, without passing judgment. What a difference you made in that boy's life! There's a lot more information on his website at williampollack.som.

Posted by: Gretchen | October 19, 2009 9:09 AM

Thank you for the website. Sorry about the double post dont know what happened there.

Posted by: Rsamorose | October 19, 2009 12:28 PM

Hi my name is Jermaine Kennedy and I will like to take the time out to give you the heads up on a young enterperneur name Demario Lee the President of Titan Athletics Co. . He is from the South Dade area. He once was a young youth that was slowly falling in the gaps of the streets, but as he got older things got back on track . Demario developed a program that caters to the youth and young adults in college. For a fact, I know that the program is a success in the making but he is not getting the support of the community and recognition that he needs . So I decide to take it in my hands to email you about Demario Lee. Please contact me for more info on Demario Lee.

Thanks in advance from ,Jermaine Kennedy

Jermaine Kennedy
mytjoemaine@gmail.com
(This email goes directly to my cell phone)

Posted by: Jermaine Kennedy | October 19, 2009 7:31 PM

I'm a mom of three boys ages 23 to 7. I think this story is a prime example of why parents need to know who their kids friends are, who their with after school and what their doing. Boys tend to hang out in groups with one of them being the leader of the group. The younger boys with almost always go along with what the older boys are doing. Parents have to talk to their kids about standing up for themselves and thinking for themselves and asking for help when they need it but the younger boys get scared and often dont do or say anything until a sitaution gets out of control and its too late.

Posted by: Carol | October 25, 2009 11:47 AM