For boys, it's all about "connections, connections, connections," said Dr. William Pollack.

Pollack, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School and director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital in Boston, has been studying and working with boys for years. He's written a series of Real Boys books, and consults with the U.S. Department of Education.

I sought him out to help me understand what happened to Michael Brewer, the 15-year-old from Deerfield Beach who was doused with rubbing alcohol and set on fire. Five schoolmates have been arrested in the case.

Pollack can't speak to the specifics of the case, but I asked him what's going on in general with boys this age. He calls it the "boy code."

As boys hit their teens, they naturally begin to pull away. And society pushes them farther. The message boys get is that real boys have to stand on their own two feet. So they feel left alone to solve their problems and deal with their pain.

"Kids are bathed in it, and boys soak it up," he said. "Boys are pushed away, told they aren’t real boys if they go for help."

By middle school, boys in particular feel disconnected from adults at school and at home, he said. They form groups partly to make up for the loss of adult connections. But while they yearn for adult connections, he said, they are afraid to ask because of the boy code.

So what can a parent do? "Just be there for them."

It sounds rather passive, but a parent can make connections, he said, by having meals together and simply being present. Remember, a boy isn't going to tell you how much he craves your attention.

My own 14-year-old son has told me to leave him alone plenty of times. Pollack said when a boy says "get away from me," that doesn't mean he wants you out of his life entirely. Acknowledge that you understand he needs his space. "Tell him you don't like the way he's asking, but OK, I'll be here." They have to feel safe to talk without fear of recrimination.

That reminds me of my brother-in-law. When his kids were teens, he would routinely just sit in the living room and read a book. Usually the kids rushed past him, but he was there for them on those occasions when they needed to stop and talk. And that was worth all the sitting.

And what can schools do? They can create an environment in which kids feel comfortable talking to adults. Anti-bullying programs will work, Pollack said, if they are "pro-social," or preventative. But the adults have to buy in, as well.

One technique Pollack uses when working with schools is to put the teachers and administrators into small groups. Each child is listed. The adults put a green mark by each child who has some kind of connection with one of the adults. They identify those who are worrisome with a red mark. And those children who don't have any kind of connection with an adult are left blank.

The next step is to find adults who, the very next day, will reach out to those kids who need a positive adult connection. This takes time and effort, but a school can reinvent itself.

"It's ultimately the human connection that will make a difference," Pollack said.