Christmas music from Heck
I can't wait to teach my kid "Jingle Bells," "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and all sorts of other Christmas carols that somehow invaded my home despite my upbringing in a religion that frowned on most holidays.
But there are some Christmas songs I'd rather skip, thank you very much.
1. Do They Know It's Christmas (Band Aid)
I know it was a big charitable hit and it was written to inspire philanthropy, so I can't knock it that much. And I love the bells. But 25 years after the song's debut, I've finally come to the realization that it's an insipid ditty best left to music history classes. In any event, it should not be a holiday staple. "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime." Of course not. There won't be snow in Puerto Rico or Argentina, either. So what? It's the southern hemisphere. It doesn't snow at Christmastime in the southern hemisphere.
"Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow..." What? Nothing ever grows... in Africa? Is that a joke? Ever hear of the Congo? No rain or rivers flow? Someone's in de-Nile!
2. Step Into Christmas (Elton John)
"Welcome to my critique of your Christmas song. I'd like to write about how bad it is." Musically, lyrically, ugh. A guaranteed tuner-changer in my car every time it comes on.
3. Happy Christmas, War is Over (John Lennon)
What a DOWNER! This is like getting a Christmas card from Scrooge before the ghosts came by. And the kids are supposed to sound cute, but instead they define cacophony. This song exists solely for the purpose of sapping the joy out of the season.
P.S. War is not over. But it is nice to imagine.
And speaking of the British and the Beatles butchering Christmas...
4. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)
Who wrote this? Seriously, who? Dull. Ding dong ding dong! It kills me that the person who wrote this gets royalties for it every year. I know, he's got more musical talent than I do. But this song does not prove that case.
5. Winter Wonderland (The Eurythmics)
This is actually not bad, but the opening! It sounds like it's introducing a cheesy 1970s horror movie.
Ok, am I through picking on the British yet? Oh, wait, no, I forgot one.
6. Last Christmas (Wham!)
Let me get this straight. You got dumped on Dec. 26, and I have to hear about it from Thanksgiving through Dec. 25 every year for the rest of my life?
Okay, no more picking on the British.
7. The Christmas Shoes (Newsong)
Gag me with a sugarcoated saccharine pill. It sounds really sad and heartbreaking until it's over and you realize how relentlessly you've been manipulated.
8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen)
Actually, I despise all similar versions of this song (the Jackson 5 version is particularly bad). But there's something about the Boss' version that deserves exceptional contempt. Why? He sounds drunk.
9. Feliz Navidad (Jose Felciano)
I first noticed a couple of years ago that this may be the most redundant song in the history of music. Inspired by Weird Al Yankovic, I came up with the following rewrite:
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
I wish that I had some brand new lyrics. I wish that I had some brand new lyrics.
Because if I had some brand new lyrics, I would add them to this song.
I wish that I had some brand new lyrics. I wish that I had some brand new lyrics.
Because if I had some brand new lyrics, I would add them to this song.
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
I wish that I had some brand new lyrics. I wish that I had some brand new lyrics.
Because if I had some brand new lyrics, I would add them to this song.
I wish that I had some brand new lyrics. I wish that I had some brand new lyrics.
Because if I had some brand new lyrics, I would add them to this song.
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
This song has five words. This song has five words.
This song has five words, so won't you help me think of some more.
What's on your list?
Gretchen Day-Bryant has a son in high school and a daughter in middle school. She’s lived to tell about the struggles of juggling little kids and work.
Joy Oglesby has a preschooler...
Cindy Kent Fort Lauderdale mother of three. Her kids span in ages from teenager to 20s.
Rafael Olmeda and his wife welcomed their first son in Feb. 2009, and he's helping raise two teenage stepdaughters.
Lois Solomon lives in Boca Raton with her husband and three daughters.
Georgia East is the parent of a five-year-old girl, who came into the world weighing 1 pound, 13 ounces.
Brittany Wallman is the mother of Creed, 15, and Lily, 7, and is married to a journalist, Bob Norman. She covers Broward County government, which is filled with almost as much drama as the Norman household. Almost.
Chris Tiedje is the Social Media Coordinator and the father of a 7-year-old girl, and two boys ages 4 and 3.
Kyara Lomer Camarena has a 2-year-old son, Copelan, and a brand new baby. 
South Florida Parenting is your guide for local events and things to do with your family. Our site offers resources, features and insightful columns on all types of parenting issues.
Parents and their children can access a multitude of free educational resources.