As I plan my middle daughter's bat mitzvah, friends and people I am hiring usually ask: "What's her theme?"

Although everyone these days seems to do a theme for their bar or bat mitzvah party, such as sports or camping or ballet, I still think it is ridiculous to have to design an expensive motif that no one will care about or remember.

The theme usually applies to the table settings, the centerpieces, the music, the giveaways (I'm not doing those either) and the invitations. Some parents say it helps them focus their party planning; I think it's a silly extravagance that takes away from the meaning of the day.

One party my daughter went to had a shopping theme. Extremely offensive.

To reduce costs but still make a party that is classy and fun, I'm hiring a DJ and buying some centerpieces. I bought invitations on-line and created an e-mail address for people to RSVP. In this economy, I'm not sure guests should expect much more.

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We've been following the story of nine teenage South Florida students and one teacher who have been quarantined in China because they were seated in close proximity to a man who had swine flu symptoms on their plane.

It seems some of our readers were surprised, not because the Chinese were so worried about swine flu, but because teenagers were touring a foreign country without their parents.

"Who in their right mind would allow their CHILD to travel to China?" wrote one reader who calls himself (or herself) "Alrighty Then."

Alrighty then, who would? If the tiny bit of research I've done is any indication, study abroad programs are plentiful and often welcome teenagers. Adults chaperones accompany them, but the majority of children participating are not accompanied by their parents.

I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer here. I saw one site that featured a study abroad program in Spain that welcomes children as young as 5.

I'd draw the line there. No way am I sending a 5-year-old to Spain, or any other country, without me or my wife. It's tough enough seeing your child off to his first day of school for a few hours. Shipping him off to another country for a few days or weeks? I can't imagine it.

When is a child old enough to study abroad? And how much does it depend on the destination?

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This hurts.

Read this today in MassLive.com:

SPRINGFIELD - Hundreds of people filled the Alden Baptist Church Monday for the funeral of Carl J. Walker-Hoover, the 11-year old boy who hung himself last week after complaining of bullying by classmates at the New Leadership Charter School.

"Our prayers are that this crisis will make Springfield a better community," said the Rev. Hugh A. Bair, who delivered the eulogy that capped the 2.5-hour service.

"The name calling must stop; the bullying must stop," he said, resulting in applause from the overflow crowd.
...
His mother said he suffered taunts and threats from other students who made fun of him, insulted the way he dressed and called him gay since he began attending the school in September, Walker said. Read the rest here.

I had a very difficult time reading this article because it’s so senseless and painful, to know people can be so unenlightened and cruel.

I am sorrowful for the mother, for young Carl. I'm sad for all of us. In the death of this 11-year-old boy, a victim of harassment and bullying, who hanged himself, we're all victims, regardless of our sexual orientation.

There are untold numbers of victims in this case: Those who fear coming out about their sexuality; those who fear helping; those who have LGBT friends and family members. Those who just want to ask questions.

This month, a local church is hosting a workshop that many people can benefit from.

Riviera Presbyterian Church is hosting “Gender Identity and Our Faith Community,” a public workshop from 1p.m. to 4 p.m. Sunday, April 26.

This is Riviera's promotion about the event:

Do you know what 'gender identity' means to you? Have you ever wondered what struggles transgender people face? Do you have questions about where our ideas of 'appropriate' gender expression stem? Do you feel called as a person of faith to stand with those who are marginalized, but are not sure how to advocate politically from a religious voice? If you answer yes to any of these questions than we have a FREE workshop for you!

Please join Riviera Presbyterian Church on Sunday, April 26th from 1 pm to 4 pm for a moving discussion on 'Gender Identity and Our Faith Communities' sponsored by the Religion and Faith Program at the Human Rights Campaign. We will be joined by HRC staff member and transgender educator, Allyson Robinson, who will lead us from acceptance to advocacy on issues of gender identity and LGBT equality. This workshop will challenge us, liberate us, and help us grow as a community committed to justice for everyone.

Address: Riviera Presbyterian Church, 5275 Sunset Drive, Miami. The free workshop is open to the public. RSVP: Phone: 305-666-8586. E-mail: rivierachurch@bellsouth.net. Website.

There are resources all over the country as well as locally.
Volunteers and experts are dedicated to getting the word out about nonviolence, LGBT issues, mentoring and more.

Pridelines Youth Services

YES Institute

Parents, Family and Friends of Gays and Lesbians

Compass Community Center, Palm Beach.

Gay, Lesbian Community Center, Fort Lauderdale.

There are many opportunities to embrace, to learn, to understand issue that surround sexuality and gender orientation.

People of all ages can learn a thing or two –and they should. It’s OK to reach beyond what you know, beyond your comfort zone.

Sometimes that might mean hearing what you don’t want to hear. It might be being with folk that aren’t like you.

But nothing is quite like making yours and your child’s world bigger – through understanding and knowledge.

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"When a family's fortunes decline, the spending can be hard to justify."

We're pretty interested in this locally, and wondering if it's been happening in our area (Broward, Palm Beach and Miami-Dade Counties). The question is, with all the talk and experience of a recession, are youth sports taking a hit? A decline in enrollment? Unusual strategies to keep the operation afloat? If you're in a league or run a league and want to weigh in on this, leave a comment or contact SunSentinel reporter Nick Sortal.

This ran today in the Chicago Tribune, our sister newspaper up north...

By John Keilman | Tribune reporter Chris Labeots' fledgling basketball career might well have been saved by an installment plan.

The Hoffman Estates 8th grader is built like a bouncer, but his game is more finesse than muscle. With high school ball in the hyper-competitive northwest suburbs less than a year away, he figured he needed a summer with a travel team to improve his skills.

But Labeots' dad, Jim, is without full-time work and couldn't manage the $875 fee. So team director Tony Reibel extended an offer he's been making a lot lately: He let the family pay in affordable chunks.

"Chris wouldn't be able to play without that," Jim Labeots said.

Sports are practically a birthright for kids in Chicago's suburbs, where playing fields, swimming pools and gymnasiums teem year-round with young athletes. But as the recession tightens its chokehold, parents are being forced to consider a bitter sacrifice.

From baseball to soccer to hockey, many organizations are reporting a significant drop in the number of participants as families slash their discretionary spending. Some parents have lost jobs; others worry they'll be next.

"People were scared before, but now they're really scared," said Stephie Arkus of the Glenview Stars Hockey Association, which was anticipating a small decline in registrations.

In response, youth teams are coming up with creative ways to keep costs down and help out the newly broke, hoping to keep children active even when their parents' finances crumble.

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When I was in school, we never had a "Pull Up Your Pants Day." Never needed one.

But today, Plantation High School made such a designation.

Seems the trend of young men wearing pants barely above the hips began in the 1980s as a way for gang members to indicate they'd spent time in jail. It caught on as way to show "coolness," independence and defiance.

Broward County public school officials stated their mission in this news release:

“In an effort to reach out to young men and increase their self-esteem and self-image, school administrators and teachers are following President Barack Obama’s call to, 'Men of America – Pull up Your Pants.'"

The program included community leaders, mentors, and alumni handing out belts donated by WalMart to students. Guests attended a luncheon with students involved in the Mentors for Tomorrow’s Leaders Program, followed by a forum and panel discussion facilitated for students and staff. My colleague Gregory Lewis wrote about the event here.

It’s good to put a spotlight on what many people see as a negative message, and the behaviors that accompany it. It was clever and wise to create this program off of current events. Hopefully kids listen.

Rod Hagwood shares his fashion sense on the matter here.

And DetentionSlip has his take on the issue.

Still, I’m a little disturbed – students are rewarded by the attention of good people for what is essentially dressing badly.

When I mentioned the designated day to my son, he said, “Wow, that’s good, because to dress that way is so lame.” I asked him what he meant by that. “Kids don’t even know what that means,” he said. "It’s just stupid. They don’t know why they are even wearing their pants like that.”

Let me be clear, my son has lots of friends who wear their pants low.

I’m thinking now, which is dangerous.

I should give a few community leaders a call and ask them to go have lunch with my son.

They’ll recognize him by how well-dressed he is – he wears his pants around his waist. And he's never gotten any attention for following the rules. That would be nice for a change!

But instead of donating a belt, (he has one, and uses it) maybe they could hook him up with a new backpack — a few zippers are busted on his old one from carrying lots of school books and folders.

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I am about to do something I used to consider tacky.

I am going to have people RSVP to an e-mail address for my daughter's bat mitzvah.

I began brainstorming this a few days ago as I drove back from meeting with a woman who sells invitations and stationery. My least expensive option was about $700 for invitations, response cards and thank-you cards.

I went on line and found some nice invitations for a much more reasonable price. I realized how much money we'll save if we skip the response cards (about $150) and the cost of stamps to go with them.

But in terms of thank-you notes, I'm not yet ready for my daughter to thank people by e-mail!

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It's tempting to drop all your kids' extracurricular activities in favor of a little bit of peace. But you shouldn't.

Haven't you ever heard the saying about idle hands and teens? And if there's not a saying about idle hands and teens, then we need to write one right now. It should also have the words "orange prisoner jumpsuit'' in it.

If you listen to all the armchair parent-coaches out there, you'll hear a lot of buzz about maniacal schedules, and insinuations that your kid doesn't really want to be an Olympic diver, or head of the golf team. Or a tiny karate prodigy, or a professional-level mini cheerleader. Or whatever. That you are trying to live another youth, a better one, by enrolling Junior in all these sports that you yourself just never did win the gold medal in.

Don't believe all that. A lot of the discussion out there about activities highlights the positive. Kids learn to balance work and play. They meet people, they're challenged to excel in something special. On and on. What busy person do you know who is a total slacker? What well-rounded adult who balances a lot of activities is a loser?

If you lay the foundation in your kid's younger years, you'll be glad when your kid hits the teens. Sports practices and games take up so much time in a teen's life, they have much less time to be smoking cigarettes at carnivals, as some of you told me recently a bunch of our Broward youth are doing.

Here are some links on extra activities:

High school activities

How to choose extracurriculars for your child

Best bets for after school

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What’s wrong with a few drinks during Spring Break? Plenty if you’re under-age.

And youth ages 14 to 20 have lots to say about it in the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation’s 2009 “Why Not?” Spring Break Video Contest.

Participants submitted videos on why they choose not to make alcohol a part of spring break plans: It’s unsafe, is the prevalent theme.

Using YouTube.com and SchoolTube.com, the initiative provided peer-to-peer communication through the Division of Alcoholic Beverages and Tobacco’s education and prevention efforts. The partnership also incorporated the Department of Education that encouraged educators throughout the state to share the contest with students.

The emphasis is a good year-round topic: after all, we have holidays, weekends and summers too!

Make it a family time moment when you check out the 30-second spots at MyFloridaLicense.com.

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Since my kids have taken over my car radio, I am getting to know their music.

They've been singing the lyrics to "Right Round," by Flo Rida (pictured here), which sounds suspiciously like a song from my youth, "You Spin Me Around (Like A Record)," by Dead or Alive. However, Flo Rida's lyrics are basically obscene:

"You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down"

and

"From the top of the pole I watch her go [down]
She got me throwin my money a[round]
Ain’t nothin more beautiful to be [found]
It’s goin down down."

It's both amusing and disturbing to hear my kids sing these lyrics when they don't know what they mean. However, a growing number of studies show kids who like these songs are more likely to engage in teen sex.

Which brings up many questions: How do you control what your kids are listening to? And if you are with them when a song like "Right Round" comes on, does changing the channel encourage them to find ways to listen to it when you're not there?

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What’s on your refrigerator?

Those drawings, homemade cards and magnets, yep - it's art. Our refrigerators serve as that hallowed Wall of Fame, the Living Museum for our child's creations. Every one of us has kids - and our kids are naturally gifted artists!

We alone possess their unique, original art - drawings of the family pet, a sunset, monsters and dinosaurs, fantastical worlds and perfect profiles. Masterpieces all.

Yet, we want all the world to see. It's time to share with the rest of us Moms and Dads.

Honor your toddler or teen: From the humorous to the serious; the whimsical to the introspective, bring it on - "hang" it up on our virtual family kitchen refrigerator.

We'll shuffle through those treasured toddler drawings and scribbles and the sophisticated draftings and renderings your teenagers create.

Then we'll post photos of their work each week. Here's how:

Take a photo of your child's art work and upload it to Refrigerator Art.

Once submitted, approval of the art can take up to 12 hours.

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Wow, homework is a hot topic.

We’re only looking out for our kids’ interests, from many points of view.

My last blog entry This just in: Kids assigned too much homework? elicited a lot of reaction from South Florida parents.

Eliza felt strongly that teachers are overly micromanaged: “We tie teachers' hands and continually lower the bar for our kids regarding their education.”

And Julie presented another perspective: “Yes, they need to learn discipline to enter the workforce, however, do adults spend most weekends and evenings doing work? or do adults go home from work and golf, ski, hike, go to movie, etc? I work full time, but I don't work every night for 2 hours and every weekend for 6 hours.”

Somewhere in the middle is balance - and truth. An elementary school student bringing home two hours worth of homework begs the following questions: Why? What happened in class that day? Does the student have difficulty paying attention? Is it really class work that was not completed? Is it really a 30-minute assignment but you are having trouble keeping your child on task? Maybe there is some fessing up to be done.

And teachers just might possibly appreciate the guidelines. I’d love to hear from some. Is every homework assignment graded? What's the value in giving homework - it's just more work for you too.

I agree trips and getaways are tricky to plan when there is homework to be done.

So, what grade would you give the Broward County School Board for this initiative:
Broward County School Board sets homework limits.

What do you like about it, what would you change?

[UPDATE:] Take a look at today's March 20th story by Akilah Johnson: Education Debate Bringing home too much work?

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Oh boy!

And I do mean oh, Boy!

It’s about The Kid’s hair. He’s got that grooming thing going on now. And, I must say, he looks pretty dapper!

In the morning getting ready for school, we hear him thinking out loud: “Which gel today? The one that makes them want to run their hands through my hair? Which cologne?" Then we hear humming. Water running, straightening the collar; another quick glance in the mirror – lights off and he’s out the door.

"Bye," he calls out with a smile. He heads to the bus stop, a spring in his step. This is one confident and happy guy.

For those totally overwhelmed and baffled parents and teenagers, KidsHealth offers lots of tips and advice on personal hygiene.

In the meantime, we’re going to have to rearrange a few shelves in the bathroom, to make room for his stuff.

What fashion raves and grooming obsessions is your teen going through?

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I can vouch for the influence parents have over their communities.

When I was way too young to remember, my dad was on the front lines of the civil rights movement. He represented white people pushing for change, he represented his faith as a Presbyterian minister, and ultimately, he simply represented his family.

Recently, one of my brothers found this clip about him from an old 1961 edition of Jet Magazine. He was quoted, “Let me tell you of several incidents when Jesus was caught in the act of sitting-in,” said Henry Warren Kunce. I cannot begin to express my pride!

So it’s not a stretch for me to see the value in National Parent Leadership Month that honors and celebrates parents for the vital roles they fill in their homes and communities.

But, not everyone has the opportunity to take on a mission like the one my dad did.

Still, other issues are just as noble, like Prevent Child Abuse Florida. For many, it’s a cause way too close to home.

The organization engages parent leaders in developing program strategies and public awareness materials through its Florida Circle of Parents program, to prevent child abuse and neglect through mutual, self-help parent support groups.

Based on shared leadership, mutual respect, and inclusiveness, the free, confidential and non-judgmental groups are open to anyone in a parenting or care-giving role.

There are 54 groups throughout Florida.

Find a Florida Circle of Parents support group in your area.

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Priority #1: Safety. Hands down, when it comes to our children. But somehow, we let our guard down in the process of making child care decisions.

Parents of children under the age of 6 are most concerned about safety when choosing child care, according to a recent survey. The report, Parents' Perceptions of Child Care in the United States, highlights other top issues: learning environments with trained child care providers, and cost. Zogby International conducted the telephone poll of 1,004 parents in November for the National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral Agencies.

The report also revealed that parents assume a lot: that there is governmental oversight to ensure child care safety; that background checks are conducted and employees do get training on child development, CPR, child guidance and discipline, and can recognize signs of child abuse.

Sometimes, we parents are naive, just like our children. We place complete trust and faith in the system, just as our children do us. The report went on to say parents believe that state governments license and inspect all child care programs. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. The NACCRRA reports that only about half of the states inspect child care settings only once a year or less.

The report details its findings on cost and other child care issues. The NACCRRA provides links, facts and score cards.

If you had been asked - and other than safety – what is your biggest child care concern?

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The time is coming for my husband and me to do our biennial ritual: Give our daughter a bat mitzvah party.

Our three girls are two years apart, and no. 2's bat mitzvah will be in September. We are wrestling with how much to spend when we don't have money to splurge.

My first daughter's party was not an expensive affair, but it was good enough. However, we have even less money now for the upcoming event.

We went to a bar mitzvah this past Saturday night and saw a performance by The Amazing Bottle Dancers, which I really enjoyed. I would love to have something like that at our party, but extras like that are out of the question because of the cost, whatever it is.

Got any money-saving tips for putting on a classy event on a low budget?

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I decided a few years ago not to give my daughters the Gardasil vaccine to prevent cervical cancer. I felt and still feel it wasn't tested enough and has too many side effects.

The shot used to be for pre-teen and teenaged girls. But now boys may get a chance to get stuck. Merck is seeking FDA approval for boys ages 9 to 26 to get the vaccination to prevent genital warts.

Merck also wants permission to expand the shot's age range to women as old as 45, even though Gardasil is designed to prevent cervical cancer, not cure it.

Meanwhile, information about negative side effects continues to mount. As one doctor whose oldest daughter was devastated by the shot told CBS News: "As the father of three girls, I've had to ask myself why I let my eldest one get an unproven vaccine against a few strains of a nonlethal virus that can be dealt with in many more effective ways. It's not like they are at high risk. It was the regrettable acceptance of the vaccine party line that [mis]led me."

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I was accepting the fact that my 11-year-old will get her first cell phone in the next year or so, but a new warning is giving me pause.

The director of the University of Pittsburgh's Cancer Institute, Dr. Ronald B. Herberman, told his staff last week they should limit their cell phone use because of the possible risk of cancer. He said children should only use cell phones for emergencies because the phones' electromagnetic radiation could affect their developing brains.

Although lots of studies have shown no link between cell phones and cancer, cell phones have not been around long enough to study their long-term effects. I have a feeling we aren't going to like what we hear 20 years from now about these toys that have become so important to us.

But it's also become almost impossible to raise a kid today without giving them a cell phone. Even if you tell them not to use it too often and to use a headset, they are going to do what they want when you're not nearby.

What kind of limits have you placed on your kids' cell phone use?

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There are pictures of me as a little girl with hair past my shoulders and probably halfway down my back. But I haven't had long hair since junior high.

So I can't relate to my three girls, ages 9, 11 and 14, who refuse to even get their hair trimmed. The lengths range from the shoulders to the butt.

They are no longer at an age where I can make them go for haircuts. I have been thinking about bribery.

Why am I so obsessed with them getting their hair cut? It simply will look better. I think it will be more flattering to their faces. It will be easier for them to wash and brush. Why do they need to look exactly like everyone else? And on and on.

I know at some point I will have to give up on nagging and wait 'til they come to me and say they want a haircut. Any ideas for incentives in the meantime?

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One key change I've noticed since my son inched closer to age 13 (less than one month away, and counting) is that it takes a real intervention in order to get one-on-one time with him.

We're on vacation this week. You might laugh at us for vacationing on the beach in Broward County, but leave this website, go look up the price of four airplane tickets or the tab for gas if we were to go on a road trip, and then come back and tell me what a great idea a vacation in Deerfield Beach is.

(Actually, I'm sitting in my kitchen in Plantation right now. If you're on a local vacation, you can come home and grab the things you forgot. Or run home to get online for a bit.)

Today we sent both kids to camp so we could have time without them, for probably the first time in many years. Granted we're spending the time reading our emails, but still, it's peaceful!

But the quality time we've had with the kids this week by snatching them out of the home, and transporting them a mere 20 minutes away, is amazing.

Recently we took another week off for a Fort Lauderdale beachfront vacation. Again, that's all it takes to get some great time with the kids.

At home, kids and parents are distracted constantly. And a pre-teen like Creed will be on his cell phone, at a friends' house, having friends over or chatting on his MySpace page.

Yank them away to a local hotel, leave their cell phone at home, and you have instant parent-child bonding.

Creed and I took a long walk on the beach Sunday night and had our longest conversation in months. He and Lily, 6, have been forced to play together for the first time in months. We all had to sleep together in one big bed.

It's like we're a family! It's been great!

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One can discern a lot about a family by looking at their cell phone bill summary.

In our house, we have a family plan. Our pre-teen has unlimited text-messaging (of course).
That is a must for a parent of a pre-teen. Creed will be 13 in July. His hands have been prematurely aged to about 76 because of all his text-message activity. One day I am sure he will either wear a hand brace or collect disability checks because of arthritic fingers and thumbs.

Check it out. For the month, yours truly sent and received 289 text messages from the cell phone.

Meanwhile, Creed sent and received 1,761 text messages.

Bob's data is perhaps even more meaningful to anyone looking for the Last Neanderthal. He only sent or received six text messages. It's important to note he was also one of the last humans (in a civilized country) to buy a cell phone.

Only Lily, who is 6, is free of a working cell phone in our family. She has our cast-offs, which she uses to pretend to text-message people.

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The name of the movie was “Under the Same Moon.”

Never heard of it.

Pax told her mother about it on Sunday, and later was eager to tell me about it. Seems much of the movie is in Spanish, with English subtitles. It’s a border story, about a boy seeking to reunite with his mother.

I had to admit, I was impressed.

Pax is my 12-year-old stepdaughter. She was out at the movies Saturday with her friend. Everything they originally wanted to see, such as “Superhero Movie,” was sold out. So they chose this film about one of the most controversial subjects around – illegal immigration. And she liked it. She wants us to rent it so we can see it as a family when it comes out on DVD.

This is not what I expected at all. I tend to think the movies I like are dull to my two stepdaughters, the other of whom is 15. This is especially true of those movies that aren’t really made with the younger audiences in mind. We’re in that period now where Disney-esque youth fare is still acceptable to the girls. I would think Pax is as likely to buy a ticket for “Under the Same Moon” as she is to bring a worn copy of “War and Peace” to the beach.

But she did, opening the door to an intelligent conversation about the struggles, morality and other themes inherent in the illegal immigration debate.

When I was about her age, I stunned my friends by going to the movies, by myself, to catch a showing of “On Golden Pond.” You have to picture me in that theater – a pre-teen Latino catching a movie about Henry Fonda and Katherine Hepburn aging. Not a lot of people in that audience who looked like me.

And probably not a lot of pre-teen girls at a Saturday evening showing of “Under the Same Moon.”

I don't want to push it, but I wonder if she and I can bond over other movies. Maybe we can trade. I'll sit through "High School Musical" again, if she'll sit through "12 Angry Men."

Okay, maybe I'm pushing it. But I don’t know why it surprises me when Pax and I have something in common. Still, it does. And I’m really proud of her.

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I found a way to get more for your tax dollars: Instead of carting your kid all over town, tell your kid to ride the county bus!

I'm not sure why it took me so long to figure this out, since a county bus comes belching by a block from my house every few minutes, seems like.

But I turned to public transportation after Creed, my 12 year old, told me something that scared the crap out of me. He and his friends were riding their bikes all the way out west -- trying to get to Sawgrass Mills! That means riding through intersections like Broward Boulevard and University. Not safe.

I suggested they take the bus. And now I'm offering to buy him a bus pass. I mean, the kids can explore the county on the bus. They carry cell phones, so it's not dangerous, certainly compared to riding a bike. They've ridden it a couple times now to Sawgrass Mills, to see a movie.

He's learning the layout of this area, learning a little bit of responsibility, and gaining independence. And he'll grow up appreciating the possibilities of mass transit.

A few days after we allowed Creed to take the bus for the first time, I asked Bob how Creed's dentist appointment went.

"I don't know,'' he said. "I had to drop him off and told him to take the bus home.''

Yes, this idea is catching on nicely.

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Now that my 12-year-old son has started acting like a teenager, I will have lots more to blog about. That's the only upside.

The first sign that our son had evolved into That Which We've Dreaded for 12-and-a-Half-Years was his misappropriation of the word "wow.''.

He uses it as a term of derision, as in "Wow. You are REALLLLLLLLLLY stupid.''

You can't imagine how annoying the word "wow'' can be.

Let me give you some examples so you can try.

I say, "A $250 bike is way too expensive for a kid your age.'' He says, "Wow.''

I say, "I can't believe one of your friends already is allowed to have a pierced ear.'' He says, "Wow.''

I say, "I'm surprised your friend's parents would take you to see the Bodies exhibit without making sure you were allowed.'' He says, "Wow.''

I say, "You're not allowed to stay out till midnight. You're only 12.'' He says, "Wow.''

You get the idea? Annoying.

An efficient use of the English language. But annoying.

Really annoying. Wow.

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My 12-year-old son Creed is well aware he has no civil rights as long as he's a minor in our home. So he doesn't complain that I rifle through his backpack on a regular basis.

I started this early in his 7th grade year. Countless times over the years I've found out too late
about this or that, and I realized how important it is to stay on top of what's going on. If I skip a few days, I regret it. For instance, last Tuesday Creed made a 7 p.m. request for poster board for a project that was due in the morning and no doubt was assigned a month prior.

Suffice to say, ransacking the backpack is a valuable parenting tool, and so is keeping extra poster board on hand.

Sometimes he makes a comment, like "so I have no privacy?'' and I usually issue my standard line, "Creed, I own you.''

Last night's jackpot was a notice of after-school suspension (what is the acronym for this?) from his math teacher. The crime: "Chewing.''

(Not to be confused with last week's transgression: "Humming.'')

Creed explained he was chewing gum.

I also found that he got a zero on a homework assignment. Over the weekend, I found his report card in there.

When teachers call to complain about something, I tell them "put a note in there any time you have a problem. I go through Creed's backpack every day.'' I can just feel the elation on the other end of the line. Teachers love this. That probably means they're fed up with parents who don't pay attention until it's too late.

It's easier to start now, when it's not going to be interpreted by your kid as an accusation, or a sign of distrust. It's just the routine.

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I took away Creed's cell phone in order to teach him the Spanish alphabet. However my genius attempt has completely failed.
Here I thought when I bought his cell phone that I had bought the perfect disciplinary tool.

Something even better than a paddle with aerodynamic holes in it.
The cell phone. So desperately wanted by my son, and thus, I figured, desperately held onto. I'll have only to whisper a threat of taking it away, and he will immediately fold like a Razr flip phone, I thought.
So when I found out that Creed's Spanish grade was suffering because he had not learned the alphabet yet, I took the phone away. I told him he could have it back when he could tell me the Spanish alphabet.
That was like three weeks ago. I keep getting the phone out to hold it tantalizingly in front of his eyes.
He's forgotten about it. He's over it. He doesn't care that much about getting it back.
And I'm kind of glad about that.
But now what do I do about the alphabet? Would it be a violation of protocol to take a second item away from him? Such as food?

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Creed came home with a letter yesterday alerting us that he is eligible' to participate in the Duke Talent Identification Program.

Apparently this program has been around for 27 years now, and I guess back in 1980, my parents must have thrown the note away, or maybe Duke couldn't find me. We did move around a lot.

Anyway at Creed's school, the kids who scored in the top 5 percentile on some of those standardized tests got this letter from Duke University.

For the low, low price of about $130, Creed can sit alongside high schoolers and take not just the S.A.T. but also the A.C.T.

Why would I want him to take these tests when he is 12 and in 7th grade, you ask? Perhaps because I have $130 or thereabouts to throw in the garbage can.

According to Duke, which by the way is a fine school that accidentally, I'm sure, rejected my application for college, this program would help me compare my child's performance to others across the country.

Hmmm. I thought that's what the standardized tests did.

If this might help Duke give him a scholarship, that would be good. Then I could have all the Prepaid Tuition money back and we could use it to get braces for Lily, since I'm sure she will want perfect teeth like the rest of the kids in Plantation.

But I'm just not sure what the benefit of this program would be. My husband actually remembers the Duke talent search and claims he came home with a similar note in his backback several and many decades ago.

Or maybe I could use it to help me defend Creed at school. This particular line from Duke's website might be useful:

Exceptionally bright students often go unrecognized because they hide their talents, underachieve, or exhibit behavioral problems.

One of the frightening tidbits I gleaned from Duke's website in reviewing this is the advice that you should start planning your child's college when he is in middle school. Please raise your hand if you have done this.

Personally I feel I should at least wait to see if he makes it into a professional sports league or if our house is going to be destroyed by a hurricane, prompting us to move to Nashville.

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My kids and I have a joke that anything they buy at Claire's falls apart on the way home. This has actually happened several times.

Of course, this hasn't prevented them from shopping there. They love the cheap, girly-girl knick-knacks, ranging from earrings and lotions to diaries and picture frames.

For years, the Claire's at Town Center Mall in Boca Raton was a claustrophobic place. You had to squeeze through the bursting racks and throngs of pre-teen girls to make your way through the store.

So I was glad to see Claire's moved last week to a bigger space in the mall, right across from the old store. It seems like it's about double the old size.

I felt like I could breathe again as my daughter Rachel sought to spend her birthday money and gift cards. Still, I went outside and sat in a comfy chair in the mall corridor as she shopped, anticipating the tears we would soon experience as she took whatever she bought out of the package and it shattered before our eyes.

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So it’s finally happened. This year, my daughter has teachers who have thrown out all pretense of teaching anything other than FCAT.

Last night at her school’s open house, I sat, stunned, as her English teacher explained that there would be no curriculum other than FCAT practice until after the writing test in February. This is for a class of the most advanced students in the school. “I don’t teach any literature at all until after that time,” the English teacher said. “I’m sure you all understand.”

I don’t understand. Not at all. I’m speechless.

The principal pops her head in the classroom to cheerily tell us parents that this teacher was responsible for ten children scoring the top score of 6 on the FCAT writing exam last year. She’s just great, the principal says. The best in the school!

You know what? I don’t care what my kid gets on that test. I’d prefer that she enjoy expressing herself writing. I’d like for her to be challenged to think creatively. I wish her teachers might at least try not to suck the last bit of pleasure she takes in learning right out of her.

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I don't have a positive outlook for the school year that starts Monday. I have a couple of good reasons for that.

One is a letter I got from Seminole Middle School in Plantation. They're switching to "block scheduling.''

The other is a comment Creed made last week: "I hate school.''

About the block scheduling: Remember when you were in college and you had those long classes that tested your ability to hold your eyelids open??

Do you think extra long classes would be a good idea for 7th graders?

If so you should open a campaign account and run for school board. That's where you belong, and not out here with the humans.

The letter from Seminole says we'll be having an "exciting time'' subjecting the kids to 85 minute classes.

I'm not the only parent of a child who has problems focusing on educational materials for prolonged periods. Some kids actually have to take medication for this. Am I going to have to go get a prescription just so my son can sit through 85 minutes of world history?

Don't harangue me because you think all kids age 12 should be able to sit quietly for an hour and 15 minutes.

Before you start typing, consider that he does sit through church. He sat through countless Cub Scout meetings.

That's right -- you are attacking a church-going CUB SCOUT!!

I don't know what to do. Ritalin hash browns for breakfast?

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Whenever I get a call at work from a Plantation phone number, I know that either someone in my church has died or my son Creed has pushed another adult to the brink of homicide.

So far, the two are running about 50-50.

I got a call Friday. That was the last day of summer day camp for Creed, who just turned 12. I paid extra for him to attend an older kids' camp, for kids 12 and 13. They went on field trips every single day. In fact, last week they even drove to Wet N Wild water park in Orlando.

It was a bit early for a call from an annoyed camp counselor. It was not even 11 a.m.

The girl told me that they had sent Creed home at 10:30 a.m. -- even though Creed is officially not allowed to leave camp until 4 p.m., per our instructions to the camp, and even though the camp called our house and got no answer.

Yes, they sent a 12-year-old walking, towards a home that could be locked and empty (It wasn't. But it could have been.)

His offense, according to the camp, was getting shaving cream on the carpet and acting up in general.

Creed's version was a tad different. "Oh my gosh, they thought that I put shaving cream on the carpet? No wonder they kicked me out!'

Creed said he was actually the one who put the shaving cream, supplied by the camp for last-day-of-camp purposes, on his face. Not on the carpet.

Whatever.

We made him work all day instead. He cleaned his room and mowed the lawn.

Sometimes I wonder why these young adults sign up to be camp counselors, if they don't like kids.

One annoying thing about being the mom of a class clown is that it gives you no standing to complain about things like the camp sending your child out onto Broward Boulevard in the morning, alone and going who knows where.

* * *

Unrelated recent quote from Creed: "Once I thought I had made up the word 'mongolia', but then I found out it was a country.''

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Has the school system become totally oblivious to the lives of working parents and their kids?

My daughter's middle school will start at 9:30 a.m. each day next year, pushed forward from the already-late 9:15 a.m. last year.

While studies have shown that high school students do better with later start times, the Palm Beach County School District refuses to adjust the 7:30 am start for the older kids. Then they play with the middle school kids' times, not for academic reasons but due to bus scheduling issues.

Broward County also has several middle schools that start at 9:30 a.m. or later, including Apollo, Crystal Lake, Glades, Millennium, New Renaissance and Nova.

The schools need to pay attention to the needs of the community. That means a later start for high school kids and a more reasonable start for middle schoolers. I say overhaul the whole start-time system.

What do you think about school hours? To check your school's start time, go to the Palm Beach County or Broward County schools Web site.

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Well, I didn't get much input from you all about whether to get my son a cell phone for his 12th birthday. So I actually had to make the decision myself.
Since you didn't help, don't tell me what a huge mistake I'm making, now that I have decided that I should get Creed a cell phone, and also supply a modest amount of minutes per month as my parental obligation, but make him earn/pay for any additional minutes he wants.

I've been checking out his friends' cell phones. They are fancy. Not quite iphone caliber, but expensive looking.
I'm not a parent who thinks my children need to be spoiled to the level their peers are spoiled. In fact, my strategy is to give my kids less. Fewer material possessions, but more discipline, and yes, less freedom.
My gosh, this sounds un-American! And right before Independence Day!
But it's not radical, really.
I want my kids to be satisfied with not very much. Consumer greed destroys people. I'm teaching my kids not to use credit cards, not to buy things they don't have money for, and not to desire the best-of-the-best-of-the-best cell phone.
So I got Creed a pay-as-you-go phone, with no contract.
It was cheap. If he loses it, no one will fall to the ground gnashing their teeth.
We can buy $15 worth of minutes, and he can learn to conserve them.
You're probably glad I'm not your mom. But that's what I did.
Or maybe this is all ridiculous to some of you, and you're thinking "YOU GOT YOUR SPOILED BRAT 12 YEAR OLD A CELL PHONE?!?!?''

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I've never considered myself old-fashioned, but I'm not buying all the parenting advice about buying our children cell phones.
I've read online polls and pediatric websites and other advice suggesting how "safe'' my son will be once he gets a cell phone
It's just another device we always lived without but somehow we can't fathom our kids living without one.
My husband doesn't have a cell phone. And he gets by just fine without it.
Why does my 11 year old need one?
He spends zero time on the land line chatting with friends. His phone conversations with me go something like this:
Mom: (something intriguing and interesting)
Creed: (one-word answer)
Repeat several times.
I saw a poll where most people said the proper age for getting your kid a phone is 10-11.
I wonder if I'm the only parent who thinks that is ridiculous. And are you cell-phone indulgent parents paying the bill also? Because if I get him one, I think I'd make him earn an allowance that would cover the monthly bill.
But I'm not convinced about buying one at all.
I know what some people are thinking -- what if I drop him off at soccer and it rains and he needs me to pick him up?
Of course that is not a problem. He'll call me from a buddy's cell phone.
-- Brittany Wallman

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Creed, our sixth-grader, made family history this weekend.

He is the first one in the Norman family to be declared social contraband.

The message was delivered on a voice mail. One of Creed's best friends tearfully let us know that his mother said he's not allowed to play with, ride bikes with, or hang around with Creed anymore.

This, despite the fact (or maybe because of the fact) that Creed attended this very kid's birthday party the day before.

All of this stems from some kind of tangled mess involving some other kid, who was fighting with Creed and this kid. Or something.

My gut reaction was to call this kid's mom and interrogate/berate her like a CIA-agent-turned-mobster, leaving her a quivering pool of jello. Then I remembered how much I hated those sissy girls in school whose moms interfered in their catfights.

There have been kids I wanted to keep away from Creed. But I know the lure of anyone considered Off Limits by the parents. Suddenly they skyrocket to Best Friend status, with Cult Hero features.

So, I decided in this case to back off and let Creed handle his own social implosion.

But the whole thing annoyed me, especially after I got my 79th phone call from Seminole Middle School last week, telling me that Creed went to the awards ceremony without permission, and is getting three days of In-School-Suspension. Personally I prefer After-School-Suspension, because the acronym is more fitting.

Unrelated exchange with Lily last night:

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As I supervise thank-you card writing from my daughter's bat mitzvah last weekend, I've been thinking about notes from birthday parties and other events we've gotten from kids over the years.

I've found that most people have stopped making their kids write birthday party thank-yous. They probably think it's just too much effort after all the work they've put in to the party. If the kid says "thanks" when they are given the gift (hopefully they have been taught that much!), do they really need to write a card, too? I admit I have used this as a justification when I have wanted to slack off after my three kids' birthdays.

My middle daughter got a birthday party thank you recently that was clearly written by the 10-year-old's mother but signed "Danielle," all in adult handwriting. I got a kick out of that one, because the mom knew a thank-you should be written but didn't have the patience or the will to sit down with her daughter and trudge through the writing.

As for us, Abby has been writing 10 bat mitzvah thank-yous each night. So we should get through this project pretty quickly!

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I'm thinking about forcing my son to accept an allowance.

I know a lot of parents have lengthy debates about how much allowance is appropriate for their children. $1 a week? $5 a week? More?

We don't have that problem at our house, because our son Creed doesn't want an allowance. That's because he doesn't want to have to do a bunch of chores on a regular basis.

He asked if he could just agree to do certain jobs when he knows he needs to raise money for something.

I told him that would make him the equivalent of a labor pool worker who isn't responsible enough for a real job but shows up on the side of the road to jump in the back of someone's pickup to go rake their leaves when he needs to score $50 quickly.

I haven't met a kid who cares less about having money, yet almost never asks us to buy anything for him. He says he wants to have a good job so he can be rich when he grows up. But I don't know why he needs to be rich; he doesn't spend any money.

Even when he used to get an allowance, a couple years ago, he would usually forget to ask for it.

Why is my child lacking greedy ambition? It's just un-American.

Unrelated Strange Quote of the week: Last night LIly, 5, asked the following: "Where did you find our house?'' I answered that we drove around Plantation and spotted it and bought it. She answered: "It's so heavy. How did you carry it?'' I started laughing. She interrupted. "No, no, no. Mommy. How did you get it there? Did someone help you push it?''

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Don't know if you all read last week's horrifying story from rural northern Louisiana about the four fifth-grade students arrested after authorities said they had sex in an unsupervised classroom. A fifth student, who acted as the lookout, was charged with being an accessory. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year-old boy face felony charges of obscenity.

Excuse me? Having covered crime for most of my career, I've never considered myself to be naive. But most of those kids were not even in their early teens. The two girls were 11, for crying out loud. Think back to what you were doing when you were 11. I think I worshiped Menudo and the extent of my contact with boys involved playing Kick the Can.

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[Written by Brittany Wallman]

Got another call from the school. Let me observe that I'm getting to know the middle school teachers without having to attend PTA meetings.This time it was an assistant vice principal (there seem to be many of these), who said my son threw food (a noodle, as it turns out) at someone in the cafeteria.

He didn't consider, she said, the fact that this could lead to an all-out food fight. You see, every destructive, anti-social food fight starts with ... just ... one ... noodle.

They're giving him three days of in-school suspension.

That's fine, I told her. Do you have any recommendations on how my husband and I can follow through at home to stop these INCESSANT PHONE CALLS? I asked kindly. You see, I continued, I get calls constantly. When Creed makes a teacher angry, they have resorted to just saying "Here, call your mother!' and handing him the phone.
[And again, I say, "What in the world is going on at this school?"] Then I get a phone message like: "Uh, mom, my teacher wanted me to call, uh, to say that I was calling out in class."

So I asked this v.p. what she thought we could do, punishment-wise, at home. First she kind of defended him. Maybe she wondered what kind of punishment I had up my sleeve. She replied something like: "Well, it's all harmless stuff, just goofing off, nothing mean-spirited.'' And finally she admitted: "I don't really know your son.''
OK, thanks.

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Did you know that if a kid needs to use the bathroom at my son's school, the teacher has to call security for an escort? That's how it is at Seminole Middle School in Plantation, according to my sixth-grader.

He said there's not enough time to use the restroom between classes. But if you need to heed the call of nature during a class, the teacher calls security and the student has to be ESCORTED.
What in the world is going on in there?

On the one hand their ability to discipline kids is lame -- they can't paddle and they resort to calling the parent and having my child leave me messages like the following one I got recently: "Mom, I made a noise in FCAT practice class.'' And on the other hand, they treat the kids as if they are in lockdown at the jail and might go on a killing spree if they are allowed to run to the bathroom alone.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I should move to Iowa and raise my kids there.

Now, on a possibly related topic, here is my daughter Lily's (age 4 1/2) quote of the week: "If you stabbed someone in the heart, would you go to jail?''

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My three girls will not be appearing in any of Merck's commercials for the Gardasil vaccine for cervical cancer. (See photo at left.)

I am thrilled that several state Legislatures, including Florida's, have stopped jumping on the Gardasil bandwagon. At least 20 states were considering making the cervical cancer vaccine mandatory for 11- and 12-year-old girls. Although the shot prevents sexually transmitted diseases, I am skeptical because of the intensive lobbying effort by Merck, which funded groups that were promoting the vaccine.

This vaccine has not been around long enough for us to know if there are long-term negative effects (Remember Vioxx?) or how long the immunity even lasts. I'm glad everyone has come to their senses and is taking a step back to see if this shot is all it's cracked up to be.

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Our BIG DAY is approaching: My daughter's bat mitzvah will be April 14 at our synagogue in Boca Raton. We are wrestling with how much is the right amount to spend on this single but symbolic day in our lives. We don't want to do the standard, excessive Boca bash but we do want a classy affair that captures the moment. This faux invitation sums up my feelings of frustration with just the right amount of sarcasm. Thanks to my friend Jill Weiner of Parkland for sending along.

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Got a call last week from the school. Some man in the principal's office was calling about my sixth-grader, Creed.

"Yes, I'm calling about Norman Fulton -- er, Fulton Norman."

"Uh, Creed Norman is my son, yes."

(Note to school officials: Some people go by their middle name. Stop calling my son Fulton!'')

"Let me read from his referral,'' the guy said. "Creed is constantly calling out. Today he called a classmate stupid and said, 'You're uneduMAcated.' He also acted like he was retarded by putting his hands inside his sleeves.''

OK, I'm thinking. Go on. Let's get to the part where he stabbed someone.

"Yes, OK. I'll talk to him.''

So they put him in internal suspension for a day.

Creed, of course, had an entirely different version of the story.

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