Dear Nan,
My husband Joe and I were married for 23 wonderful years. He was a smoker and died of lung cancer several years ago. He ended up in hospice at the end. I stayed with him all the time but one night I was so tired I went home for a good night's sleep. He died while I was gone. I am angry at him for smoking and feel guilty all at the same time and I can't stop being mad at myself for leaving him that one night. Is he mad at me that he died alone?
Thank you,
Roberta
Dear Roberta,
First, I am sorry for your loss and I understand your anger. Addictions, whether smoking, alcohol, drugs, or compulsions, are challenges for both the person who has it and the person who lives with the person who has it! The guilt you are feeling is also very common. I speak with people almost everyday who have gone through a similar situation.
I am hearing several things Joe wants you to know. First, please know that he is absolutely fine. He is not angry with you. He has regret for the actions that cut your soul contract shorter than it was supposed to be and wants to take ownership for his addiction now, as he was unable to admit or take responsibility for it when he was in physicality. Joe's failure and refusal to address his smoking problem (which he is telling me continued even after his diagnosis) was rooted in fear, which is ironic since it was ignoring the problem that caused his fears to come true, not his actual addiction. The irony is not lost on him in Spirit as he reviews his life. He acknowledges your anger and seeks your forgiveness.
Secondly, souls such as your husband who pass from illness choose the time they depart this world. He understood you needed your rest. He did not want you to bear witness to his actual passing, as he knew it would be very traumatic for you. You were so attentive, so loving, and he appreciates your telling him it was ok to go. He also hopes you understand that when you left and told him you would be back in the morning, he knew he could stop holding on. You showed you were willing to take care of yourself, and that's when he knew you would be ok.
The process of grief is unique to everyone, so take your time to process through it at your own pace. But please, Roberta, do not complicate the process by feeling guilty. You did the right thing, and I can assure you he knows that.
Nan
√ ∙
Checkpoint: Perhaps one of the most challenging situations we can face is the loss of a loved one. Any issues that are unresolved would seem to remain unresolved because of the distance death seems to create, and yet this is not true. Our loved ones continue to be a part of our daily lives, even if they do so from a different perspective. There is no negativity in Spirit; they are not angry at us. The closest feeling to negativity is guilt and/or regret, such as Joe has, and they alway want to address this feeling with us from Spirit.Guilt about who was with a loved one - and who was not - when he/she passed is often a source of great pain for those of us left behind, yet as souls we choose the time we depart (unless the death is due to the mechanism of free will/free choice, which I'll talk about in another blog). There is no need to feel guilty. If Joe had thought it would be good for Roberta to be by his side as he crossed over, he would have waited until morning to do so.
Sometimes, it is the perspective of death that can give us the greatest comfort. Our loved ones are not gone, not some place far away, they are close; they are with us. It is only the way in which they are with us that we need to understand. Death is not a brick wall that separates us, it is a two-way mirror that sometimes obscures our view.
In coming months, I will talk more about death, dying, and communicating. For now, those of you who have carried a mantle of guilt about not being with someone who died as Roberta has, please know it is time to set it down. The peace you seek is within and is based on understanding and perspective of life, not out of reach in the clutches of what appears to be the finality of death.
Until tomorrow, I am,
Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien
Do you have a question you'd like me to answer in my daily blog? I'd love to hear from you! Please email me at
Nan@IntuitivelyYours.net.For more information about my work or my nationally-syndicated radio show, please visit
www.NanOBrien.com.
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