Looking at Life: Split Second

Friday night after midnight was very dark along the two-lane roads of rural Vermont. The moon was only a sliver and there were no street lights to guide the way. My husband Tom and I were returning from an event. I was driving, and I turned my high beams off as a car approached from the opposite direction.

Shortly up ahead, there was a ninety degree turn up a hill and to the left. Just as I started to accelerate to drive up the steep incline, I heard - the way I hear things - "Turn on your brights!" and as I did so, I was startled to see a man dressed in black from head-to-toe suddenly dart out in front of our car, crossing the road only a few feet in front of us! I jammed on the brakes while simultaneously pounding the horn and barely missed hitting him! Were it not for my being told to turn on the brights, I have no doubt I would have. In my rear view mirror, I caught a glimpse of him sprinting away across an open field.

Adrenaline rushed through my body, and I wanted to sob, coming so close to what surely would have been the end of the man's life. There was no shoulder on the road and I could not safely stop driving, so I continued on, driving well below the posted speed limit. Tom spoke softly, supporting me, until we came to a closed gas station, where I pulled off and climbed out of the car for some much-needed fresh air.

The night air was crisp and still in a way that only comes in the middle of the night. I looked up to the darkened sky and took in the beauty of the stars so brilliant in the country, away from the glare of city lights. Breathing in the night air calmed my soul and cleared my head. "Nothing had changed," I thought. My heart started to settle into its normal rhythm as I reminded myself over and over that everything was fine; no one had been hurt.

But I struggled to silence the thoughts of what could have been as I stood quietly in the darkness. How many times, I wondered, did events - a result of someone else's free will/free choice, or even our own - in a blink of an eye forever change our lives? How many of us live with the ache of wishing that we could go back to that split second that everything changed, and do it again differently? Or wonder incessantly why our loved ones chose what they did?

Standing by the car that night, I realized that the feelings which result from such thoughts create a burden that only grows heavier with time. The truth is, there will be times in your life that you will fervently wish for a "do over," such feelings are a part of the imperfection of our souls; but it will never be right action to compound the darkness of a poor choice with the darkness of guilt and regret.

While we cannot change past events, we can change how we see them. We must choose acceptance over frustration; forgiveness over anger; grace over guilt. We must learn to look forward with compassion for others and for ourselves, not backwards with regret.

It's not easy. Our human nature, our natural inclination to beat ourselves up is ingrained in us; it is a natural choice for many of us. But looking forward is also a choice. Relying on the strength of God's love and light will lead you from any darkness - the true "bright lights" you need as you travel along the country roads of your life.

Intuitively yours,
Nan O'Brien