Recently in Your Letters Category

My son Jayson took his own life on April 5 this year. Grief, guilt and shock have since overwhelmed me and my remaining children, as well as Jayson's grandparents and girlfriend. I have so much guilt as his Mom and the fact that I did not take him seriously when he told me he wanted to die. I feel that if I could have hugged him and talked to him and told him how much I love him, he would not have followed through. I can come up with all kinds of reasons or excuses about not listening to him, and I come back to the same conclusion, I should have listened, I should have done more. I am his Mother, the one person who needed to take care of him and look out for him. Please help me, tell me my son is ok where he is now.

I am 24 years old, am a little nervous to email you because I am at a point where I don't think anyone can understand my jumbled emotions.　My father had a brain aneurysm very near the time of my birth, which left him mentally and physically disabled.　I didn't even meet him until I was 15 (on a Father's Day).　He didn't know who I was.　That was the first and last time that I saw him.　He passed when I was a senior in high school.　I have always felt a void in my life. God is amazing at filling that void, but there's just always an emptiness where I thought my dad should be.　I would like to know if he knows who I am and if he sees me.　Is he proud of who I am?

Thank you for taking the time to read my email.

Callie

If we view living as only our physical existence, then situations such as Callie's seem unfair, unjust, and random. This is contrary to the Laws of Spirit. Living - life - is balanced. We see this in nature. Think about it. How could it be that all around us is balanced, except for us? The simple answer is, it could not be. Life is much broader, with soul contracts between us that are fulfilled, sometimes interrupted or postponed, but ultimately come to fruition, in this lifetime or the next.

When a soul is trapped in a physical body that does not fully sustain it while in our world, such as Callie's father or even those suffering from mental infirmities such as Ahlzheimer's, the soul can reach beyond that physicality while still in our world by "stepping out" of the body, and in this way can still view life, albeit from a different perspective. Their role may seem to be diminished in our lives, but the absence of the person pro-actively in our lives will ultimately lead to opportunities for growth for those around that soul. It can be a harsh lesson, but nonetheless, the opportunities for growth are there and a part of a soul's life lesson.

Remember that the love between souls survives and surpasses physical limitations and death. Life seen in this context is thus, ultimately, balanced.

In January of this year my father passed away, That very morning he mentioned that he was with us only for some time. After which I got panicky so I was taking him for a check up but he collapsed. Why was he crying looking at me before he died? Had he seen death to tell us it was coming? What does one go through before death? I am always guilty that I should have asked him why he felt he was going to die.

Nina

Our loved ones in Spirit are also free from the physical limitations that we have in this world. They do not labor under conflict, pain, or even illusions of self. This enables a soul who had a difficult time in our world admitting he/she was wrong to be able to do so. In Spirit, our loved ones are free to think, reflect, learn, grow, love, and protect us. They reach out to us. They continue to be there for us, to listen, to support us in our growth and understanding.

There is no negativity in Spirit, the closest emotions to negativity are guilt and regret. Sometimes a soul in Spirit will experience these feelings, but only as an outgrowth of the reflection when a soul has acted hurtfully to another. The feelings are, then, useful tools for growth and accountability.

While death is a part of our lives, it can nevertheless be a struggle to accept. With the understanding that life is much larger than your present physical existence, the characterization of life takes on a different meaning, and that can aid in your ability to heal and move on. A critical part of doing so is to give yourself permission to define your loved one by his or her life, not by his or her death.

Let your healing begin today. And rejoice in life - here and there.

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

My sister, Sonya, is weighing heavily on my heart. She alienated herself from the entire family except me and now she has left me too. I don't understand what is going on with her and I am HOPING that you can tell me that she is ok. I am so afraid that she isn't. 

Thank you so much Nan for your time,

Christie

It can quickly become complicated within a family when the reasons we are bound are both for the pleasure and for the resolution of an issue. Family members align according to those who want to be together and those who need to be together. This disparity accounts for accusations (real or imagined) of favoritism among parents and children, or even between brothers and sisters. We gravitate toward those who share our energy and we clash with those who don't. We try to explain the differences through genetics or environment, but the major reason will be the life path/life lesson of those who choose to journey together.

Sometimes just knowing that there is a reason we do/do not connect can give us patience when dealing within a family, especially when we do not get along with (or do not understand) a family member. Respect for - and acceptance of - the energetic differences are powerful tools to bridge the gaps and build understanding, all toward achieving the soul's life goal to learn and grow from the experience of journeying together.

I'll save what happens when only one soul honors his/her contract for another day. :-)

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

Two years ago, my sister-in-law's 21-year old son was killed in a tragic car accident. We were not very close, really just got together at family cookouts and holidays. I am not very close with his mom either.

About two weeks after he passed he visited me in my dreams. In the dream visit, he was about eight years old. He and I were in a mall. He went into a photo booth and insisted I take his photo and he kept pulling on his ear. I got the message that he wanted me to tell his mom that he was OK and had his ear back. Nan - he lost one of his ears in the accident! It was very real - and then I woke up.

I called his mom the next day to describe my dream visit and I felt badly because she did not receive the news very well. She said she just could not believe that her son would come to me instead of her.

Did I do the right thing calling her? And, why did he come to me instead of her?

Thanks, Nan,

Donna

Our loved ones in Spirit can see how we are literally drowning in our sorrow and reach out to help. They interject their life force into our physical world to let us know they are there in many ways. They blink lights. They leave pennies. They move familiar objects. They tilt or push over photographs. They visit us in the dream state. On and on, they let us know they are alive and well, just merely in a different form. But in order for us to elicit any comfort from these efforts, we need to recognize them for what they are.

If a relative or loved one cannot allow the message to come through because his or her pain and grief is so great, the loved one in Spirit will reach out to someone who is a bit removed from the situation, who can hear the message, such as Donna's nephew (above). It is not that he chose to bypass his mother for a distant aunt; it is that he could not reach his mother through the front door, so he came in the back door via his aunt. Instead of resenting the messenger in this situation, the focus needs to be the message.

Sometimes, the willingness to hear and see beyond the five senses, while unfamiliar and even a bit scary, is the quickest way to move toward healing and peace. Our loved ones want to help us - but they can only help those who help themselves.

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

My mother passed away seven years ago and my elderly dad now lives with my sister in another state. Ever since my mom died, it feels like I am an outsider in my own family. On the phone, my dad talks on and on about my sister and her family, but never asks about me or mine. They plan family occasions on holidays and I hear about it afterwards. Now, my dad is turning 80 and when I spoke to my sister about co-hosting a party for him, she informed me she had already made all of the arrangements and I should be getting my invitation in the mail soon and she hoped I could attend.

It was bad enough losing my mom, but now I feel like I have lost my entire family, too. I didn't realize how much my mom was the one who kept me connected. How does she feel about the situation? What should I do?

Thanks, Nan,

Erika

For example, if I share a life lesson with someone, I will feel more at ease around that person, our energies will be harmonious. Familiarity then, even if it is on a soul level, lends itself to comfort. The reverse is also true. When the lessons and/or energies are different, there is a dissonance on a soul level that is easy to feel, but hard to pinpoint or describe. When the balance shifts in a family dynamic, such as with Erika's mom passing, the discord can increase - but, so does the motivation to work through the uncomfortableness.

If you find yourself in the same position as Erika, the best thing you can do for yourself is to embrace the uncomfortableness. Recognize the possibilities for growth, but acknowledge the self-imposed limitations of others to do the same. In short, if you take the spiritual high road, you will have done your soul's part. It is then up to the rest of the family members to choose to embrace their growth or not, but ultimately you cannot take ownership or responsibility for their willingness to do so.

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

I listen to your radio show every Friday morning and only miss the beginning in order to deliver my grandson to the school bus.

I have been debating for months if not a year to contact you about my career. I have to make a decision very soon about the direction of my career as a special educator or a special education administrator. I love and thrive with kids and they are so special to me, but I also have some influence where I am and I want to know where you see me going in the future.

Thank you so much,

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

First, thanks so much for your kind words! I enjoy the radio and am glad you do, too! J

Your career opportunities may appear to be in conflict, but in reality they are harmonious. The end result is always going to be what is best for the children. If you teach one-on-one, you will have a direct positive influence on those with whom you personally interact. If you pursue the administrative route, you will still have a teaching role in terms of mentoring, guiding, and supporting special educators in the classroom, who in turn will make a difference one-on-one. So, the good news is, there is truly no down side to either opportunity. This is clearly a "free will/free choice" question.

That said, the energy around this question reminds me of the "feed me a fish/teach me to fish" parable. Your reach, your influence to make a difference - which is your true motivation for entering this profession - is broader and farther reaching when you are in a position to share your considerable knowledge and expertise with other educators, creating a ripple effect.

There is an additional component to the choice to pursue the educational administrator route that is an important part of the decision, as well as an integral part of your energy. You need to write, Cheryl! You need to quantify your techniques and share your anecdotal evidence of how the techniques work. Think workshops, conferences, etc., and not only in your own backyard, but also on a broader scale. Ultimately, this will be the arena that will be your professional home. It will satisfy your need to contribute and touch the lives of those who need you and what you have to offer. The first step on that journey is the role of administrator.

Nan

√ ∙ Checkpoint:
Teaching is one of the most noble professions a person can embrace. Yet often, souls define "teaching" as being in a classroom, not realizing that the energetic lesson attached to being a natural born teacher is simply to facilitate the exchange of information through communication. When you impart information to others in a way that that information can be heard and utilized, you are teaching. When you offer thoughts or insights you have experienced to others for their use and understanding, you are teaching.

Stepping back from the traditional characterization of teaching as being in a classroom, and enlarging it to mean seeing oneself as a communication grid, routing information to where it is needed and can be used, we can see that many people who have the urge to teach can find spiritual congruency with that energy in various career manifestations that do not necessarily involve being in a classroom. Writing is often a component of this energetic life lesson.

Remember that when contemplating a career decision, the core energetic gifts are merely the starting point. Do not become attached to the perception of what that gift should be or how it should be used; instead, focus on the talents, the abilities, and let the opportunities for using those gifts come to you.

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

My husband Joe and I were married for 23 wonderful years. He was a smoker and died of lung cancer several years ago. He ended up in hospice at the end. I stayed with him all the time but one night I was so tired I went home for a good night's sleep. He died while I was gone. I am angry at him for smoking and feel guilty all at the same time and I can't stop being mad at myself for leaving him that one night. Is he mad at me that he died alone?

Thank you,

Roberta

Guilt about who was with a loved one - and who was not - when he/she passed is often a source of great pain for those of us left behind, yet as souls we choose the time we depart (unless the death is due to the mechanism of free will/free choice, which I'll talk about in another blog). There is no need to feel guilty. If Joe had thought it would be good for Roberta to be by his side as he crossed over, he would have waited until morning to do so.

Sometimes, it is the perspective of death that can give us the greatest comfort. Our loved ones are not gone, not some place far away, they are close; they are with us. It is only the way in which they are with us that we need to understand. Death is not a brick wall that separates us, it is a two-way mirror that sometimes obscures our view.

In coming months, I will talk more about death, dying, and communicating. For now, those of you who have carried a mantle of guilt about not being with someone who died as Roberta has, please know it is time to set it down. The peace you seek is within and is based on understanding and perspective of life, not out of reach in the clutches of what appears to be the finality of death.

Until tomorrow, I am,

Intuitively Yours,
Nan O'Brien

Do you have a question you'd like me to answer in my daily blog? I'd love to hear from you! Please email me at Nan@IntuitivelyYours.net.

For more information about my work or my nationally-syndicated radio show, please visit www.NanOBrien.com.