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90210 recap: Who likes being ugly and happy anyway?


"Ouch! It was worth coming to this for the slapstick value alone!"

Moving on can be hard. Most of the 90210-ers are learning this in one way or another lately. Naomi is still struggling to get over her rape, Debbie is struggling with finding a new man, and Navid is struggling with -- well, everything.

Get back on that horse before it kicks you
The only thing more awkward than online dating is having your kids do it for you. Concerned that Debbie will shrivel up into an old crone, Dix and Annie sign her up for Match.com or the like. After a few creepy rejects, Debbie decides on lunch with a doctor that looks remarkably like a beardless Rick Bayless and has the oddest conversation skills we've ever witnessed. Naturally, the show was going to send in someone unsuitable so Debbie could later un-suit Matthews (in the bathroom! ON HER DATE!), but this guy's back-centric dialogue is just...bizarre. Not creepy, not lecherous, not gross, just bizarre. We're weirded out. But we did laugh at Debbie coming back from her unexpected bathroom rendezvous with a sex glow. Score!

One point to note: Dixon, you're a teenaged boy. You know the implications of posting a photo of your mother eating a banana on a dating site. You, of all people, should know better. Now go eat your pork and think about what you've done.

Read on for beach house shenanigans and life slapping you in the face with a surfboard.

A rip-tide is the next best thing to a cold shower
Naomi is starting to feel frisky again, which is pretty much like saying a cat wants to play with mice again -- it's the natural order. Ivy's surf stomping grounds make the perfect setting to ogle tightly-clad men, and Naomi makes up some BS story about her surfing skills when she's introduced to one of Ivy's cute mates.

The two set up a "surf date," the "date" portion of which Surfer Dude has to be blissfully unaware, by virtue of being a dude (for them, sports and dates don't typically mix). This leads to Naomi trying to borrow a wetsuit from Ivy with cleavage (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Oh my God, girl, you don't have any cleavage!") and then getting whacked in the face by her board when she tries to take on the waves. This was completely predictable and yet still hilarious.

In the end, it's Oscar that comforts the be-bandaged Naomi. He's feeling awfully low after a scolding from Laurel for hurting Ivy and he's trying to be a better person. His solution to feeling low? Guacamole. What a coincidence, us too! However, It must be noted that that's also our solution to feeling hungry, not that hungry, angry, happy, confused and drunk. Point being, we like our guacamole.

I'll use you if you use me
Navid is still having a hard time dealing with his family issues and Ade has completely left the reservation. She's busy calling the paparazzi on herself and referring to everyone at West Bev as her "non-famous friends." Per usual, Navid turns to Silver, who is finding herself questioning the nature of their relationship more and more.

Despite his anger at Ade for being a self-absorbed toerag, Navid is sticking by fidelity, technically at least. He's confiding everything in Silver and offering no emotional support in return while still dating i.e. hooking up with Ade. One more reason to steer clear of those emo guys. Meanwhile, Ade asks for Silver's help in making her neglect up to Navid, and like a good friend, Silver obliges.

Feeling a bit rejected, Silver turns to Teddy after Ian tells her they've made up. But when she goes in for the kiss, Teddy doesn't return it. There's someone else, he says, while eying Ian significantly. We end this little love pentagon with Navid somewhat resistively making out with Ade, Teddy cornering Ian in a beach house and making out with him (OMITR: Someone is going to see them!! Crystal, or whatever her name is!!!), and Silver alone and emotionally used-up. Sometimes that heart of gold is more trouble than it's worth.

When the company ink wants to be dipped
Throughout all this, Liam is resentfully carting Laura all over town, who is determined to get a date out of these shenanigans. Liam finally snaps and tells her he doesn't now, nor ever will like her like that, to which Laura (and/or actress Amelia Rose Blaire? Sorry honey, but you've got to work on those emotions) responds with the phoniest crying we've ever seen. It was embarrassing to watch.

When Laura tells Liam that she's been rejected a lot, notably by her thug ex-boyfriend, Liam relents and offers to take her to dinner. Way to take one for the Empowered Women's Team, Laura. Later, at a big luau on the beach, Laura runs into her ex and has a complete meltdown. Liam says not to worry, he'll pretend to be her beau and she won't have to worry about What's-His-Face. Unfortunately, Liam does, since What's-His-Face and his thug friend jump him when he's alone and warn him to stay away from Laura. That daily grind is getting tough for Liam.

What did you think, readers? Should Debbie and Matthews throw caution and their skivvies to the wind? Will Teddy ever fully come out of the beach house? Will Navid forever play James Brolin to Ade's Barbra Streisand? Comment away!

Notes n' Quotes

Ryan: She is full-on frightening and I think that's just because she looks like Christopher Walken.
Debbie: It's uncanny!

Silver: Man, that's all kinds of crooked.

Naomi: I feel like it's time to rip off the bandage with something tall, dark and waterproof.

Naomi: Ivy can teach me to surf in a couple days.
Ivy: Oh yeah, and water ski and windsurf, too.

Dixon: Mom, no offense, but this is how people your age date. (Ouch!)

Laura: He's got Robert Downey's soul with Zac Efron's body.

Ade: You can't understand what it means to me to have normal, non-famous friends.

Debbie: He's a podiatrist. That's weird and gross.

Naomi: There are plenty of guys out there that think I can cook, clean, and pack my own bags.

Naomi: Why the hell do surfers attach their boards to their legs when all it does is hit them in the face when they wipe out? It's like a weapon!

Dixon: Why didn't you tell me? I don't eat pork!
Liam: I just wanted to wait because I thought it'd be funnier. And it was.

Dixon: This girl has you whipped and you're not even getting laid.
Liam: Yeah, it's almost like dating Ivy! Too soon?

Laura: I know I should've worn my platforms, I feel like a short loser!

Naomi: It's hard looking so good and feeling so bad, isn't it?
Oscar: We'll who likes being happy and ugly anyway?

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