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90210 recap: Welcome to the jungle

"I can't believe I'm on this show sucking up to that little after-school-special diva. I'M MEREDITH EFFING BLAKE."

This week on 90210 we got plenty of West Bev kids behaving badly and operating in sticky situations way beyond their youthful capacity. Particularly Adrianna, whom we'd like to take firmly by her skinny shoulders and shake really hard, because sweetheart, you are being a bitch.

Annie, Charlie and Liam
Annie and Charlie are being their typical disgustingly cute selves when Dixon comes racing home with some news: Liam is laid up in the hospital from his beat-down last week. Why the hospital released one severely battered teenager to two other teenagers is beyond us, but Liam once again takes up residence at Chez Wilson.

Charlie comes over to check in on his half-brother after hearing the news, but gets promptly chased out after Liam explodes like one of Gallagher's watermelons. Liam later tells Annie that his behavior is owed partly to his dislike of seeing them together...since he's still in love with her. To which they make out and presumably do other under-the-sheets activities.

Well now, WELL PLAYED, CW. Finally get us to like Charlie despite early-onset creepiness and then pull this malarkey, which by the way, is completely unbelievable. Annie is totally invested in Charlie, lights up when he's around, and then hooks up with Liam? We get it, he's got abs, which are conveniently flashed at this particular moment, but this is still unacceptable. The only excuse we can think of is she pulled a Lorraine McFly and developed Florence Nightingale syndrome while taping up his bleeding deltoid.

Read on for more hairy situations and the blueberry margaritas Naomi imbibes whilst battling them.

Adrianna, Navid and Silver
There isn't much that needs to be said about Adrianna, other than that she almost completely sucks now. Her fame monster has reared its ugly head and it's the most stereotypical beast we've seen on this show in a while (and that's saying a lot).

She's ignoring Vic's actually well-intentioned advice and cutting his pay, treating everyone like dirt, and buying obscenely big, tacky mansions in the hills. Oh, and did we mention she rented "elves" and hunky "reindeer" to pull her around an outdoor ice rink built just for her Christmas party? Because she did. There were harnesses involved.

She eventually gets her comeuppance when she's opening her oodles and oodles of presents (Do people actually have parties like this in Beverly Hills? Who goes to parties to watch someone more wealthy than you that you barely know get even more useless stuff?), when she gets a photo from Vic holding Javier's notebook. Her duplicitous agent stole the tome and sold the story to every entertainment journalist in Los Angeles County. Good luck selling the mansion back in this housing market.

Meanwhile, Navid is trying to convince himself and Silver that maybe he shouldn't be with Adrianna. After some resistance and a very awkward sleepover at Ade's new digs, Silver finally admits that she feels something for Navid, too. And then they make out. At Ade's Christmas party. In front of people. After their covert investigation into Shirazi Productions, one would think these two had a bit more tact.

Teddy and Ian
Teddy and Ian have become fast friends after the good times had by all at the luau last week. Teddy wants to keep driving down that road with Ian, but he's not ready to come out just yet. Ian says he really likes Teddy, but there's no way he's going back in the closet. And thank god for that. Can we take a minute to talk about how awesome Ian is? His little musical number at Ade's party is adorable -- of course there's a shot of Teddy falling in love with him from across the room. We can see a future where this kid gets rented out for more awards ceremonies than Neil Patrick Harris.

Later, Teddy and Ian find a quiet spot, where he tells Ian he's still coming to grips with his sexuality and just needs some time. Ian finally acquiesces to this not-unreasonable request and the two take up their secret relationship again. Only now it's not so secret, since Dix spots them kissing in the stairwell. Oops.

Ivy and Naomi
Here's another odd couple that has gotten really close, walking the halls and talking about bikini waxes -- or rather, Naomi talks about bikini waxes and Ivy just mocks her. In any case, they are pretty cute together. However, things turn a little sour when Ivy sees that Naomi is still interested in Oscar, who Ivy believes is still a slimy cad.

On the domestic front, Ivy sets up a dinner date with her dad since she's had it with Laurel. Things seem to go well and Ivy gets invited over for Christmas, though to the unaffected observer it's obvious that Daddy is planting more seeds of discontent between his daughter and ex-wife. Ivy learns that Laurel told him to stay away from their daughter, which Ivy takes as an attempt to control her life. However, on date number two Dead-beat Dad tells Ivy that while he's legally required to pay for her college education, he'd much prefer not to. The veil of concerned, invested father falls away and Ivy sees him for who he really is. She confesses to Naomi what happened, who is clearly out of her depth and calls Laurel. This leads finally to some mother-daughter re-bonding and the most convincing crying we've ever seen on The CW. Seriously, you two, A-plus.

After seeing what a good friend Naomi has been, Ivy finally gives her her blessing to date whoever she wants, including Oscar. Instead, Naomi tells Oscar thanks, but no thanks -- she's happy being single. Being alone, however, is a lot more dangerous, since someone unsavory is lurking in the shadows when Naomi comes back to her single-occupancy home. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait seven weeks to find out what her old teacher has in store.

What did you guys think? Did Ade get what she deserved? Will Teddy ever find the confidence to come out? Would you be so easily wooed by Matt Lanter's abs? Tell us in comment form!

Notes n' Quotes

Random cafeteria girl: Who doesn't get yeast infections these days? In the gas station, in the grocery store...

Oscar: I enjoyed eating guacamole with you the other night.
Naomi: That sounds dirty.

Silver: Oh Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your gorgeous hair extensions!

Ade: Apparently Naomi is drunk after some kind of waxing session. God knows what that means...

Ade: I just had the most horrible nightmare ever. I was at the Grammys and I was wearing the same dress as Miley Cyrus. I'm literally shaking.

Silver: She does have Justin Bieber. I saw him double-dipping in the applesauce.

Ivy: I hate turkey dinners, I hate meat in general!!

Final Thoughts

  • Oscar's accent is charming, but we hate the way he says "guacamole." Anyone else?

  • Love Silver's new do, it's so much more kicky and age-appropriate.

  • Where is Debbie? Why is she not home when Annie is caring for Liam/sneaking into his room? Do his employers know what happened to him? Because we fully believe Lauren would have come hustling over and burst into the sick room a la Lavender Brown after Ron Weasley gets poisoned.

  • We are definitely buying a piñata for Christmas/winter solstice/yule/whatever. That looks like a blast.


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omggg the way Oscar was saying guacamole was bugging me too!!! hahaa

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