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One Tree Hill totally does Valentine's Day better than we do

Behold, the pinnacle of romance!

Were you feeling good about your Valentine's Day? Thought you had a nice, romantic time with your sweetie? Hah! Unless you had a private concert, a whole bunch of role-playing and a mountain of Ho Hos, you lost out. Because on One Tree Hill, they know how to do V-Day right.

Brooke and Julian
So, Brooke and Julian basically spend the entire day doing sexy role-playing games. He's the plumber, she's the amorous customer. She's the sexy French maid, he's the amorous boss. She's the babysitter, he's the lecherous parent... except that got a bit too skeezy, so they changed it to him being the babysitter and her being the lecherous parent. (That's better how, exactly?)

After a misfire with the pizza boy scenario (Julian thought she actually wanted a pizza, so she gave the delivery guy an eyeful when she opened the door), Brooke and Julian stop fooling around long enough to have an actual discussion. Julian thinks it's time they adopt a kid. He's got a touching speech about how his life wasn't complete until he found Brooke, and there's a kid out there who will complete them, etc., but we just kept thinking "Um, guys? You're not going to be able to have 12 straight hours of sexy fun time when you've got a kid." Just ask Nathan and Haley!

Read on for the explanation to that Ho Hos picture up top and the perfect Valentine's Day cards.

Nathan and Haley
Nathan and Haley are an old married couple, so they don't really do sexy fun time so much anymore. They've got their toothbrushing/gargling/morning cleanup routine down to an efficient, choreographed machine, and that's not terribly conducive to romance. Haley says V-Day is no biggie, and Nathan tells her that's good, because he didn't get her a present. This, of course, starts Haley on the search for the present she's sure he's hiding from her.

After tearing apart the house, Haley finally finds a diamond necklace, earrings and a bouquet of roses. So when Nate gets home from scouting athletic prospects (more on that later), she's got a candlelit dinner ready. She's shocked when he gives her a single rose -- where's her bling! As she's in pregnancy hormone world, she gets a little nutso and starts to accuse Nathan of... what, infidelity? We can't be sure, because before the words passed her lips, she found out that Nathan had turned the bedroom into a romantic retreat and, joy of joys, amassed about two dozen Ho Hos on the bed. There were earrings, too, but Haley's preggers and hungry, so the Ho Hos were what really said love.

Clay and Quinn
Clay tells Quinn he's not fond of Valentine's -- in fact, he thinks it should be ashamed to call itself a holiday. Why don't they just hang out at Tric and avoid the rigamarole? Quinn isn't happy, but she goes along with it. That doesn't stop her from talking up the flowers-and-jewelry route to everyone else.

Of course, Clay was messing with her -- yes, he takes her to Tric, but it's all decked out for a private dinner and concert from the emo singer they couldn't get tickets to see. There's also that diamond necklace Haley found -- Clay was hiding it at Nate's house. We have to admit, we're a bit disappointed. Come on, Clay, we thought you were with us on the anti-V-Day train! Oh well.

Jamie and Madison
OK, these two were just adorable. Jamie searches for the perfect Valentine's gift for Madison, and comes up with heart-decorated shoelaces. "The hearts say I like you, but the shoelaces aren't too mushy." He also makes her a Valentine that conveys the sentiment "I'd pick you first for dodgeball, or I'd trade my PB&J for your crappy bologna sandwich if you want." OK, Jamie? That's perfect. We want you for our valentine, too.

Their "date" is as awwww-inducing as you'd imagine -- they play skeeball and eat ice cream, and when Jamie gives Madison the shoelaces, she's thrilled. She gives him wristbands, which thrills Jamie. They end up splitting the gifts -- each wearing one of the shoelaces and one of the wristbands -- and it's a tribute to the characters that we didn't go into sugar shock. It was adorable without being saccharine. Good job!

Mouth and Millie, Chuck and Chase
The wacky reporter guy from the local station got hit by a car (he was dressed as a chicken crossing the road), so Marvin has a chance to get back on TV. He drafts Millie into helping him make an audition tape, and manages to piss her off. (Helpful hint, Mouth -- don't talk about her rise and fall and then expect a sunny quote.) Apparently, the tape is better than we thought, because the station calls Mouth. The only problem: They're looking for Millie. Doh!

Meanwhile, Chuck is hanging with Chase at the bar, being all Chuckish. Then we learn (1) Chuck writes and performs showtunes, and yes, even HE can sing, and (2) Chuck's mom is passed out in the back room of the bar, as she's been drinking the pain away for quite some time. Chase gets her home in time to receive the valentine her son made, and Chuck resolves to be a bit nicer. We'll believe it when we see it...

The schmuck-like athlete
You know how Kellerman hates athletes? Well, guess what -- his son, Ian, is a phenomenal baseball player who could go into the majors. He's also a total schmuck. He insults Clay and Nate, drinks in the morning, and demands a big fat signing bonus right up front. (We're pretty sure it doesn't work that way in baseball -- don't new players shave to start out in the minor leagues?) Clay would be happy to write him off, but Nate sees himself in Ian and wants to represent him. Hey, Nate's getting a plotline! Yay!

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Mouth gives Millie half a muffin for Valentine's Day. Oy. Yeah, yeah, he later redeems himself by getting her the lotions she likes, but starting off with half a muffin? Not cool, dude.

Haley tells Quinn why she's not that hip on Valentine's this year: "I'm not feeling particularly amorous with the whole swollen everything and my mood swings and my ...Ho Ho addiction." Little did she know those Ho Hos would be a sign of true love!

Quinn and Clay debate Valentine's Day
Clay: I think it's a completely bogus holiday.
Quinn: I think it's romantic.
Clay: It's amateur romantic. It's a bunch of dudes with no game scrambling for flowers and jewelry.
Quinn: I like flowers and jewelry.
Clay: All women like flowers and jewelry. That's why they invented Valentines Day - so they could leverage every boyfriend and husband and fiancé in America. ... Valentine's Day should be ashamed to even call itself a holiday. If I'm Christmas or Easter or Fourth of July, there's no way I'm letting Valentine's Day sit at the lunch table. It's like "Go on, February the 14th - go sit on the steps of the shop class with Cinco de Mayo. "
Oh, Clay. If you'd stuck with those sentiments, we would have respected you so much more!

The pizza guy was officially creepy. Leering at Brooke was one thing, but implying to Julian that he'd be up for a threesome was too much.

Chase: There's nothing wrong with being a little nicer.
Chuck: I'm pretty nice.
Chase: Yeah, nothing says nice like a punch in the gut and some kid yelling "CHUCK!"

After Chuck performs his showtune for Chase, Chase tries to convince him to keep it to himself. Chase! Don't you watch Glee? Showtunes need to be let out! Fortunately, Chase figures that out before the end of the episode, and tells Chuck to share. How do we know that's the right decision? Because it's the opposite of what Chuck's dad told him.

By the way, Chuck's dad has been gone for two years, and his mom is passing out at bars. Chuck may make slightly more sense now.

What did you think? Should Brooke and Julian jump into adoption so soon? Was Clay's romantic gesture sweet or cloying? On a scale of 1 to 10, how adorable were Jamie and Madison? Were you impressed by Chuck's hidden talent, or do you think he should keep it to himself? Talk about it in the comments!


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wow that was a long recap you did. But it was really funny.

I also agree with most of what you said. But I will save all of that for the podcast comment.

Absolute favorite quote of the episode: "If I'm Christmas or Easter or Fourth of July, there's no way I'm letting Valentine's Day sit at the lunch table. It's like "Go on, February the 14th - go sit on the steps of the shop class with Cinco de Mayo." haha

Hmm.. I don't know about this episode. I thought that the Brooke/Julian thing was absolutely adorable :) and Quinn/Clay as well. I really loved the fantasies and Julian looked so sexy in that beater ;D I don't know if I like them bringing Chuck in as a more main character and I think there's too much Chase. I loved the flash of hormonal Haley that we saw and we ahold have more of that. I'm also expecting big things from next week because we are getting nothing on the baby front.. Also, I think Julian and Brooke adopting is awesome :)

This episode was so hilarious. I was almost up there with last week’s episode. Brooke is by far my favorite character now that she is becoming more relaxed and happy in her life. I love watching One Tree Hill in HD. It gives me a much better picture. I work for DISH Network and I get there HD free for life. So I can watch all my favorite episodes in HD. I hope next weeks episode is just as funny as the last two have been.

What should have been the big focus of this ep (or next weeks)? Chase's big decision about whether or not to call child services.

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