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90210 recap: Crazier than a stoned, unicycle-riding unicorn

This is by the far the most terrifying photo we've seen on The CW press site. And we have access to Supernatural photos.

You know your teen drama isn't worthy of prime time unless some serious scheming is involved, and the adolescents on 90210 are catching up with the plotters on Gossip Girl this week. That, dear readers, is what you call impressive.

It seems that everyone has a plan, either for themselves or someone else. Well, except for Ivy. She just likes drawing tokin' unicorns, which we have to admit was pretty awesome. We would have been giggling out loud in class too, passing period bowl or no bowl.

Looks like those acting classes do come in handy
Once again, we have to hand it to the Obligatory Man in the Room. He called the Plan: Scheme Emily from the first minute Liam was showing a soft-spot for her. OMITR then continued to yell "IT'S A PLOT!" every time Emily was on screen, but we digress.

Kudos to Annie for pulling off a rather believable attitude of contrition, even in the presence of her succubus cousin. We would have been unable to restrain ourselves from instigating Lunchroom Smackdown: The Sequel, or, at the very least, acting very snooty.

In the end, Liam and Annie trick Emily into tearing the West Bev girls to shreds with her tongue...right in front of them. But again, we're a little disappointed in Naomi, Silver and Ade: First, we would have heard Annie out to begin with, because we've been here before and second, after seeing that both Emily and Annie use scheming to get what they want, we would have peaced out real quick. That's just too much crazy in one family.

Read on for Snoop Dogg and some creepy acts of romance

Please, Pandora is way more than seven light-years away
Still going along with that "I'm everyone's type" party line, Naomi tries time and again to reel Max in using her body, finally resorting to her trenchcoat flasher move. At this point we'd have to call shenanigans on Max's iron will -- straight teenage boys would have a hard time resisting any woman in black lingerie, even if they do think said unclothed lady is shallow and mean, but then we wouldn't have seen Naomi's last-ditch effort.

Can we first start by saying that we attended Comic-Con this year and nothing there was more terrifying than Naomi's green-yellow contacts? Because now whenever we look at Na'vi Naomi all we see is Darth Maul. Not cool.

Max's friends at the movie theater are equally unimpressed and proceed to humiliate poor blue Naomi in front of everyone. You know how you feel "naked" when you're embarrassed in front of a lot of people? Well, Naomi had it worse, because she practically was naked, aside from the body paint. At least she has the abs to pull it off. And she finally swayed Max, who can see that she's not such a snob if she's willing to go the cosplay route to snag her nerdy crush.

Playing grown-up
With the ball rolling merrily along at Shirazi 2.0, Navid officially hires Dixon and sends him to get the Ferrari detailed for a client meeting later that day. When Dixon pulls the car into the dealership, who should he meet but Snoop Dogg, also waiting on his baby's wax job. The two hit it off in a dorky, endearing way and Snoop offers to take Dix for a spin with his new record on the stereo. Somehow, we think picking up a random clingy high school kid and driving him around Los Angeles would be something Snoop would do. He just rubs us that way.

Meanwhile, Navid has to take out his potential client in his mom's minivan, since Dixon isn't answering his phone. Needless to say, he loses that business and he has a few choice words to say to Dixon when he gets back. But Dixon has the perfect counter-attack: He signed Snoop Dogg on as a client. Still, you could have sent a text and been a bit more professional, Dix. Also, we are SO SURE Alotta Fagina Mrs. Shirazi drives a minivan. She would at least have a Land Rover.

The drugs don't work
Meanwhile, Ivy is on the opposite end of the productivity spectrum, shunning schoolwork and class to go skate and get stoned with Raj. Raj is understandably concerned that he's a bad influence, and the two get into a tiff when Raj hears a disconcerting voicemail from Mr. Matthews, calling Laurel about Ivy's work (REALITY, people! Matthews would never leave all that in a message. He would simply ask Laurel to give him a call. Geez).

Ivy decides that Raj is right and goes to make up with him on her lunch hour. Instead, she gets more than she wants to hear when Raj tells her that the weed really is medication -- it helps with side-effects of chemotherapy. The reason Raj is always living life to the fullest is he has leukemia, and he's not getting better.

Hell freezes over
...because Ade outwits someone. As much as we dislike Emily, we thought she was kind of spot-on about Ade's intellectual capacities. Apparently we were wrong.

After telling Naomi and Silver that Lila is the one who hooked up with Navid, Ade threatens to ruin the poor girl's life by sending out a mass text of Lila naked in the locker room. This sends Silver to her guilt-ridden breaking point, and she confesses to Ade. Ade coolly admits that she knows, and instead sends out a similar photo of Silver. Didn't we use this plot point already with Annie? Oh well, it's the digital age, we guess...

All in all, we liked this episode. It wasn't the typical break-neck speed we've come to expect from 90210, and it still managed not to be boring. What did ya'll think? Will Shirazi 2.0 be successful, or will Navid and Dixon's egos get in the way? Were you onto Annie and Liam's scheme? Are you equally shocked Ade was able to think a few steps ahead of Silver? Do you fear you'll never be able to sleep again with that image of Na'vi Naomi seared on your brain? Tell us in the comments!

Notes n' Quotes

Naomi: I wasn't even bored and I hate old plays! You people talk funny.

Naomi: Time to get my math on.

Dixon: Thanks, boss.
Navid: Please, call me Mr. Shirazi.

Raj: How was your day?
Ivy: I could tell you about it but I don't want you to fall asleep at the wheel.

Silver: Did you know women in this country didn't have the right to vote until 1920?
Naomi: They also didn't have to wax.
(Also, Silver, everyone knows that. You're supposed to be the smart one.)

Silver: I once dressed up like Princess Leia for Halloween.
Naomi: Really? Did the guys like it?
Silver: I guess. I was ten, everyone liked it.

Navid: Will you take the Ferrari to get detailed?
Dixon: I love my job.

Dixon: I'm a big fan, huge, kind of obsessed, really...but in a healthy way.

Nerd #2: Pretty sure Pandora is about seven light years that way...

Emily: I just realized that living with my grandmother in Arkansas is a better situation.

Final Thoughts

  • Okay, we know Ade's reasoning about Lila was just a ruse, but it was so absurdly nonsensical that it still angered us. First of all, Lila was never your friend, she was Navid's friend. Bitch doesn't owe you anything. Secondly, she's not "apparently" a bad person. That would mean you have proof. Oh, and know everything else about her. Which you don't, even though you claim to be her friend and never hang out with her.
  • Where were the cameras here?? Silver confessing her guilt was reality show GOLD.
  • We're not sure if Gillian Zinser has a stunt double, but how cool would it be if that was really her throwing tricks?
  • You don't agree that you're going to keep your relationship on the "down low" and then proceed to make out in the middle of Beverly Hills while one of you is bright blue and half naked. Just sayin'.


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"Also, we are SO SURE ... Mrs. Shirazi drives a minivan. She would at least have a Land Rover." -It was Dixon's mom's van, not Navid's mom's van :)

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