May 17, 2011

90210 recap: Pomp and sacrifice

"Kurt Hummel said it before and I'll say it again: Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton."

As Laurel mentioned in this episode of 90210, and Marty McFly uttered repeatedly throughout "Back to the Future," this is heavy. Naomi and Max faced expulsion, Ade considered jumping off a cliff, and there was a literally very heavy elephant involved. Which basically just adds up to your average Beverly Hills weekend.

And the best "Weather The Storm" award goes to...
We have to say, every week we love Naomi more. There is literally nothing she can't get over, deal with or make a sarcastic quip about. So naturally she takes the fall for Max re-writing her paper, and even shows up at graduation to support her friends after she gets expelled. Also, naturally, she throws Ivy an entire wedding and bachelorette party, screaming with glee as she goes.

Even when Max admits his guilt at graduation, gets banned from seeing Naomi and will effectually be shipped off to Massachusetts, Naomi still finds the energy to dance like a madwoman at the wedding, all while looking spectacular. Oh, and did we mention this was after the entire female guest list trampled her like so many crazed wildebeests in a frenzy to grab the bouquet? Because that happened too. Naomi even has the moxie to confront Max immediately when she finds out she's pregnant -- as long as this doesn't turn out to be a ruse to keep Max around. We don't think that really gels with Naomi's character, but hey, it's 90210.

Read on for the elephant! What? Admit it, elephants are awesome.

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May 10, 2011

90210 recap: Unlike those prom nights, at the end of this one you'll be engaged

"Nice wig. Do you swing?"

This episode of 90210 was all over the board. We had the typical high school drama of grades, future colleges and prom, but then there were absurd inheritances, threesome proposals, wedding proposals, and, even crazier, proposal acceptances. And again, someone really needs to tell these kids about FAFSA and scholarship applications. IT CAN BE DONE, PEOPLE. How do you think kids not from Beverly Hills can afford to go to college?

Place your bets
...on whether Annie and Marla's daughter are going head-to-head for Marla's estate. Because really, why else would we have met this chick and why else would she have given that noncommittal description of her mother? Also, Annie should totally buy back Marla's necklace she sold for hers and Dixon's college fund now that she's loaded.

And again, we'd like to reiterate that student loans exist. Most people don't win the My-rich-suicidal-employer-disinherited-her-natural-born-children-for-me Scholarship. Those are rarer than a MacArthur grant. But then again, we don't live in Beverly Hills.

Read on for an indecent proposal and a very, very age-inappropriate one.

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May 3, 2011

90210 recap: Commitment is hard

"Seriously Sally, don't leave. You're one of the best things about this show right now."

If you ever wonder why men (and definitely a few women) are so reticent about commitment, all you need to do is watch an episode of 90210. Being fully into or supportive of a friend or a partner is hard, and often it can turn around and end up biting you in the buttocks. But hell, at least it beats being totally alone, right? RIGHT?

Who needs hopes and dreams when you have sex?
It's that wonderful, nervous-tic-inducing time of year when college seniors start hearing from prospective colleges, and things are looking rosy for Naomi and Max. Naomi got into CU and Max got into the Massachusetts Institute of Massachusetts. Naomi's a little shaken by the daunting miles between, but seems overall positive on their odds. Max just wants to make the most of the time they have, which he spends playing Black Ops with his buddies -- not exactly what NaoMe-Me-Me had in mind.

But eventually Max caves and tells Naomi that he's changing his plans to Cal Tech. Never mind that MIT is the most elite scientific school in the country. Now he has a girlfriend that's willing to commando-ize herself in the middle of campus.

Read on for lies and the worst enabler ever.

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April 26, 2011

CW next season: Top Model All-Stars, plus the return of Gossip Girl, 90210, The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural

OK, CW fans, you can exhale now. The network announced early pickups of some of its top shows today, and we think you're going to be pleased.

First off, America's Next Top Model will return with an All-Stars edition, featuring previous model hopefuls who were "breakout characters" and who "had the most memorable stories from past cycles." Our question: Does that mean they'll be bringing back the girls who had the most potential to make it in the modeling world? Or will they concentrate on the people who brought the most drama? We're pretty sure it will be the latter...

In other, not-at-all surprising, news, the net announced it would be bringing back hit shows "The Vamprie Diaries" and "Supernatural." We couldn't imagine them dumping "Dairies," which is the network's most watched show. "Supernatural" not only survived the move to Friday nights, it thrived in what could have been a death slot. We're thrilled it will be back.

Finally, the CW confirmed what we'd already guessed -- buzz-bait shows "Gossip Girl" (which is not only the net's second most popular show with its key demo but is also a key provider of magazine-cover starlets) and "90210" (which wins big when DVR data is taken into account) will be back.

We're also interested in what's not in the announcement. TV Guide reported that Bethany Joy Galeoti and Sophia Bush had both signed on for another season of "One Tree Hill," but so far the network has remained mum. Then there's newbie dramas "Hellcats" and "Nikita" -- will they stick around? We'll let you know as soon as we hear anything!

90210 recap: Not your average Manic Monday

Seriously, this would not be that bad if she didn't match it to her shirt. Right? Right?

It seems a lot of the West Bev folk were driven by their phobias, brain chemistry and baser emotions this week on 90210. You might be saying to yourself, "Well, isn't that what always happens?" To which we say yes, but this time a few of them are definitive medical and psychological issues as opposed to just "baggage."

Hey Annie, it's called FAFSA
So we can't even pretend that we watch 90210 for its original plotlines. But when a fully predictable story is lifted from "Family Guy," we've got problems.

Annie apparently can't afford to go to college -- something she's worrying about a little late in the game, frankly -- girlfriend should have been looking into student loans months ago. Anyway, on her hunt for a job she meets Marla, a crazy old hoarder who lives in Beverly Hills and needs someone to help her "get her affairs in order," or basically organize her junk. In her daily tasks Annie discovers that Marla was a movie star in the 60s and then gauchely refers to Peter Fonda as "that guy from 'Easy Rider.'"

Marla might have been a big star, but it's clear she feels her best days are behind her. Still, she takes Annie under her wing and tells her about old Hollywood and John Cassavetes, then buys her lunch at glamorous old hot spots. Unfortunately, Marla has memory issues (Alzheimers? Dementia?), as she can't remember Annie after she returns from taking a phone call. Marla eventually gets a grip, but is shaken by the incident. Back on the job, Annie finds assisted suicide pamphlets in Marla's desk. So this episode is definitely skewing toward the darker side.

Read on for the horrible wrath of Naomi! Again!

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April 19, 2011

90210 recap: The enchanted what? Who comes up with these?

"That monkey had it in for me, man. I saw it in his EYES.

It's been a long few weeks, 90210 fans, but our favorite West Bev denizens are back, trying to escape the crushing, oppressive reality that permeates their dramatic little lives. And the best way to do that is with a margarita in Cabo San Lucas. Well, technically the best way is to simply complete the [alcoholic beverage] + [warm vacation spot with questionable drinking ages and drug laws] paradigm, and these kids definitely have that figured out.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the skate park
Despite her laid-back surfer 'tude and new penchant for herbal refreshment, Ivy is still something of a head case and seeks some distance from terminally ill Raj by heading to Mexico with Dixon and their pals. But when Dixon suggests surfing, Ivy goes looking for "drogas" from the hotel staff (It's "mota," Ivy. Or, as the staffer so sarcastically tells her "You're looking for POT").

Unfortunately, Ivy's score is laced with something and she gets a bad high, resulting in spilling the beans about her weed habit and Raj's leukemia. But Dixon is a good friend, and, oddly, really good at taking care of tweaking-out potheads. By the time Ivy is back stateside, she's ready to be with Raj for whatever time he has left.

Read on for no satisfying explanation of the episode title whatsoever!

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March 1, 2011

90210 recap: Crazier than a stoned, unicycle-riding unicorn

This is by the far the most terrifying photo we've seen on The CW press site. And we have access to Supernatural photos.

You know your teen drama isn't worthy of prime time unless some serious scheming is involved, and the adolescents on 90210 are catching up with the plotters on Gossip Girl this week. That, dear readers, is what you call impressive.

It seems that everyone has a plan, either for themselves or someone else. Well, except for Ivy. She just likes drawing tokin' unicorns, which we have to admit was pretty awesome. We would have been giggling out loud in class too, passing period bowl or no bowl.

Looks like those acting classes do come in handy
Once again, we have to hand it to the Obligatory Man in the Room. He called the Plan: Scheme Emily from the first minute Liam was showing a soft-spot for her. OMITR then continued to yell "IT'S A PLOT!" every time Emily was on screen, but we digress.

Kudos to Annie for pulling off a rather believable attitude of contrition, even in the presence of her succubus cousin. We would have been unable to restrain ourselves from instigating Lunchroom Smackdown: The Sequel, or, at the very least, acting very snooty.

In the end, Liam and Annie trick Emily into tearing the West Bev girls to shreds with her tongue...right in front of them. But again, we're a little disappointed in Naomi, Silver and Ade: First, we would have heard Annie out to begin with, because we've been here before and second, after seeing that both Emily and Annie use scheming to get what they want, we would have peaced out real quick. That's just too much crazy in one family.

Read on for Snoop Dogg and some creepy acts of romance

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February 22, 2011

90210 recap: It's a jungle in here

"I am about to go 'Office Space' on this thing..."

There are a lot of things we don't miss about high school -- one of them being held hostage by our hormones and therefore incapable of dealing with stress in a functional way. Last night's 90210 reminded us very firmly of that. Drugs, sex and violence are never the answer, but they sure can be a hell of a lot of fun.

I want you to want me
Naomi is up a creek with her crush on Max -- she likes a nerd and there's nothing she can do about it. To make matters worse, he turns out to be a very supportive friend by encouraging her not to give up on her dream college and by saving her charity photo shoot after "Mr. July" spills tanning oil all over her computer, frying the saved shots. And since Naomi is the kind of gal that takes what she wants, when she wants it, she jumps Max in the photo studio. Hilariously, she gets humble pie all over her face when Max turns her down.

Meanwhile, Emily is systematically dismantling Annie's life in all sorts of horrible ways that we'll get into later, and tries to perform the coup de grâce by seducing Liam. Her hastiness to bring down Annie alone should be ringing some alarm bells, but then, Liam's not really here to think.

Read on for weed cookies!

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February 15, 2011

90210 recap: Beware the chick who stole songs from the Mexican dude

"No seriously, where's the candy corn? That's the only reason I agreed to do this."

Love is in the air, kids, and even the jaded, smog-ridden West Beverly kids aren't immune. Okay, Naomi isn't immune. Everyone else on 90210 seems to want to rip each others' heads off. And with good reason.

Perhaps you mean unreality series
The girls have been shoved into Ade's new reality pilot as part of her all-important "posse," which is clearly an uncomfortable place to be. Hell, it's uncomfortable enough watching "The Hills," who would actually want to be in that torture chamber? Not Silver and Ivy, to name few. Silver is guilt ridden about being the "other woman" and cutting up Navid on camera, while Ivy just looks like a deer in headlights every time the camera starts rolling.

Eventually the producer tells Ade that all he's seeing is a girl sitting around complaining (THANK YOU), and that won't keep a TV audience from mining their DVR for better fare. He wants drama. And in the world of reality television, if you need drama you simply make your own.

Read on for Ade's colossally stupid attempt to get attention... plus an endangered owl!

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February 8, 2011

90210: Shove it up your ashram

Naomi's interpretive dance, entitled "Pas a deux for the easily duped"

There was a whole lot of backstabbing this week in Beverly Hills, which made for some entertaining, if not predictable, TV.  The girls return from the "yoga retreat," and are once again faced with the troubles of everyday life – you know, pop stardom, relationship drama, spiritual crises, and a stalker cousin from Kansas who won't go away.  Meanwhile, Teddy is forced to confront his sexuality.  Let's see what this week's schemers had in store.

Love triangle: Adrianna, Silver, and Navid
Despite Silver's guilt about being the "other woman," Silver and Navid spent the majority of their winter break rolling in the proverbial hay. Navid was ready to break up with Ade – that is, until he saw a bedraggled looking Adrianna gracing the cover of a tabloid, and decides that she may not be able to handle another setback. However, Navid's resolve is renewed when Ade confesses that her attempt to get her daughter back was a mere publicity stunt – "you can't just undo an adoption, you know!" – and she even finagled a reality TV show out of the deal.

After the break-up, Silver consoles Ade, who was somehow stunned by this turn of events. Later, after Naomi's party, Silver and Navid go back to his place for some alone time. Unfortunately, their plans are foiled when Ade shows up looking to win back her man. Silver hides in the closet as she watches Ade unsuccessfully try to seduce Navid. Ade runs out, humiliated, and Silver is guilt-stricken as she leaves for the night. Then for the second time this episode, Ade cries in Silver's arms. This time, Ade voices her suspicions that Navid was cheating – she found an earring (Silver's, in fact) in Navid's room.

Read on for the stalker report, Naomi's brief period of enlightenment, and Ian's idiot move, after the jump!

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February 1, 2011

90210 recap: A spiritual rude awakening

"I'll give you five bucks to go "accidentally" fall on Ade and see if those are real." "Make it 10 and you're on."

Kids, as much as we had a good time with this episode of 90210, it hurt our heads. No one should be screaming that much on the drive to a "yoga retreat." Spring break, yes. Ojai, no. Then again, these kids are used to tackling drug addiction, fame monsters and rapists, so maybe dripping in a sweat lodge really is a thrilling change of pace. Personally, we prefer poolside Bloody Marys and maybe an hour with Naomi's friend Klaus. But that's just us.

Wherefor art thou, originality?
Thank Jeebus there is an Annie-Liam storyline happening, because we could not tolerate it if Annie jousting with her unbalanced cousin was the only thing she had going. We saw this plot line coming from the moment Annie said Emily could borrow her clothes. Oh gee, Emily's going to be duplicitous and spread lies about her cousin? She's honey-sweet until you call out her questionable hair choices? Give us something new to chew on, writers, because this plot is as dated as Luke Perry's wire-frame sunglasses.

Read on for hypocrisy and the best tepee hookup since "Dances With Wolves."

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January 31, 2011

90210 interview: Michael Steger on wigs, the back nine of 90210 and getting staked

Everyone has a friend like 90210's Navid: That book-smart person that seems to make social and common-sense snafus, much to the enjoyment or consternation of their pals. Fortunately, we're not Teddy, Dixon or Ade, so we can sit back an indulge in the former emotion.

We chatted with Michael Steger about what the spring semester holds for Navid, including the overhaul of his pornographer dad's business, the coming out of a close friend and an extracurricular activity that Michael undertook with HBO.

Navid has been getting himself into a compromising situation with the two women in his life, Silver and Adrianna. How long can we expect to see him drag his feet in breaking up with Ade for good, or will things change with Ade's career troubles?
He wants to break up with Ade, but he's still at that reluctant stage because of the fear of Ade going back to drugs or just bottling further and further down more than she has. He's just trying to maintain their friendship and he doesn't want to hurt her. There does come a point when he says "Ade, we're finally done."

Silver has been a little reluctant to hurt her friend too. Will she be on board with the relationship when that day comes?
Silver's not necessarily on board right away. Silver is a very loyal friend to Ade and she'll need some convincing.

We saw Navid kind of put his foot in his mouth in front of Teddy last week regarding Teddy's sexuality. Will Navid eventually have a supporting role in helping his friend come out?
Oh, Navid. (Laughs) He really did put his foot in his mouth. He will definitely play a supporting role with Teddy when he does come out. He never expected Teddy to be gay, it comes as a surprise. Like, oh, wow, this is something new. Mr. All-Star Athlete and womanizer, he turns out to be gay. But Navid understands that Teddy is still a great guy, and he eventually comes out of the closet and Navid is very supportive. I can't say too much about the upcoming episodes, but there is a time in a future episode where the guys go to a gay bar.

Sounds interesting.
Oh yeah.

Read on for more about Navid's family troubles, the joy of Twitpics and Nelly.

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January 25, 2011

90210 recap: My New Years' resolution is not to kill anyone with a Bowie knife

" that? Is Dixon wearing my bikini bottoms? FOR THE LAST TIME, THEY'RE NOT LUCKY!"

The best thing about a soap-opera-y program like 90210 is that people very often get what they deserve...eventually. Happily enough, we got two instances of comeuppance before we even got our feet wet in that L.A. surf. Still others were denied some TLC, which we hope will be remedied in the future.

Revenge FAIL
We honestly had more faith in Cannon. Not that he would reform or anything crazy like that (we'll save that for season five), but that he was slightly more wily than someone who could be defeated by a manic obsession with female vanity and hairspray. HAIRSPRAY. True, Naomi's escape plan was truly inspired and she really is a natural at taking the reins in a situation, but Cannon managed to evade the LAPD and Scotland Yard. He should be better than this. It still was satisfying to see that sucker get knocked out with a...candle holder, we guess? Anyway, he was bleeding a lot, so: Win.

Read on for homosexuality joke snafus and PR fails!

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December 7, 2010

90210 recap: Welcome to the jungle

"I can't believe I'm on this show sucking up to that little after-school-special diva. I'M MEREDITH EFFING BLAKE."

This week on 90210 we got plenty of West Bev kids behaving badly and operating in sticky situations way beyond their youthful capacity. Particularly Adrianna, whom we'd like to take firmly by her skinny shoulders and shake really hard, because sweetheart, you are being a bitch.

Annie, Charlie and Liam
Annie and Charlie are being their typical disgustingly cute selves when Dixon comes racing home with some news: Liam is laid up in the hospital from his beat-down last week. Why the hospital released one severely battered teenager to two other teenagers is beyond us, but Liam once again takes up residence at Chez Wilson.

Charlie comes over to check in on his half-brother after hearing the news, but gets promptly chased out after Liam explodes like one of Gallagher's watermelons. Liam later tells Annie that his behavior is owed partly to his dislike of seeing them together...since he's still in love with her. To which they make out and presumably do other under-the-sheets activities.

Well now, WELL PLAYED, CW. Finally get us to like Charlie despite early-onset creepiness and then pull this malarkey, which by the way, is completely unbelievable. Annie is totally invested in Charlie, lights up when he's around, and then hooks up with Liam? We get it, he's got abs, which are conveniently flashed at this particular moment, but this is still unacceptable. The only excuse we can think of is she pulled a Lorraine McFly and developed Florence Nightingale syndrome while taping up his bleeding deltoid.

Read on for more hairy situations and the blueberry margaritas Naomi imbibes whilst battling them.

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November 30, 2010

90210 recap: Who likes being ugly and happy anyway?

"Ouch! It was worth coming to this for the slapstick value alone!"

Moving on can be hard. Most of the 90210-ers are learning this in one way or another lately. Naomi is still struggling to get over her rape, Debbie is struggling with finding a new man, and Navid is struggling with -- well, everything.

Get back on that horse before it kicks you
The only thing more awkward than online dating is having your kids do it for you. Concerned that Debbie will shrivel up into an old crone, Dix and Annie sign her up for or the like. After a few creepy rejects, Debbie decides on lunch with a doctor that looks remarkably like a beardless Rick Bayless and has the oddest conversation skills we've ever witnessed. Naturally, the show was going to send in someone unsuitable so Debbie could later un-suit Matthews (in the bathroom! ON HER DATE!), but this guy's back-centric dialogue is just...bizarre. Not creepy, not lecherous, not gross, just bizarre. We're weirded out. But we did laugh at Debbie coming back from her unexpected bathroom rendezvous with a sex glow. Score!

One point to note: Dixon, you're a teenaged boy. You know the implications of posting a photo of your mother eating a banana on a dating site. You, of all people, should know better. Now go eat your pork and think about what you've done.

Read on for beach house shenanigans and life slapping you in the face with a surfboard.

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November 16, 2010

90210 recap: Aaaaaaand, sex

"Don't worry, babe, I believe you that they're not extensions..."

This week's events on 90210 have taught us yet another valuable lesson: One good turn deserves a slap across the face. Despite Navid's honorable intentions, his big mouth landed Papa Shirazi in the hot seat with the Feds, resulting in his departure for Iran. Meanwhile, Teddy is testing the waters of gay culture and finding it a bit too hot for his liking.

Annie, Naomi and Charlie
Annie finally meets Charlie's roommates (in his IMMACULATE house. We live in a one bedroom walk-up and we have real jobs. Life is unfair), one of which turns out to be his ex. The two banter like Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, so naturally Annie is feeling a little threatened. When she tells Naomi about how she's feeling, Naomi's predicable yet nonetheless hilarious response is to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. With crotchless panties. Or edible ones. And pasties (which we really don't understand, but this is perhaps not the best venue to discuss the appropriateness of boob stickers during intercourse).

Annie finally agrees about the sex part, and strips down to her skivvies in Charlie's bathroom when they're having a quiet evening in. When she jumps out, however, she finds they're not alone. The entire house is home, including Charlie's ex. After shrieking and running back into the bathroom, Annie admits later that she was feeling uncomfortable about the ex and Charlie says they should share everything if they're in a relationship. To kick off the sharing, Charlie confesses is that his scar is from his and Liam's abusive uncle, who was a "mean drunk." We take back that part about life being unfair.

Annie is glad to know the truth and the two seem closer than ever. (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Aaaaaaaaaand, sex." ). We're actually starting to get on board with this relationship, mostly due to the lack of Shakespeare and French, which is frankly just nauseating.

Read on for gay bars and the consequences of single dad-dom after the jump.

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November 9, 2010

90210 recap: Why is there a monologue?

"I only had two lines in this episode, but at least I was shirtless."

The opening of 90210 this week had us utterly bewildered. There was a monologue, which surely meant that someone was messing with the format, and WE DON'T LIKE CHANGE (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Is this Gossip Girl?").

Oh wait, it's okay, though, because we find out at the end that it's Annie reading her college application essay. That was scary.

No, it's still scary. Dixon has alienated Ivy from her friends, Navid's father from all appearances seems like a corrupt Los Angeles jerk, and Jacques/Jack is wearing leather pants and falling off his changing table. If there are any Beverly Hills representatives out there in the CW Source Cosmos, can you please verify that most people in your neighborhood are not this insensitive/depraved/irresponsible? K, thanks.

Annie and Dixon
While working on college applications at home, Annie and Dixon "accidentally" open divorce papers sent to Debbie. Since Debbie still wears her wedding ring, the kids assume she still has hope left for her marriage, and the Bobbsey Twins set off to talk to their father. They get a bit of a shock, however, when his "friend" answers the door, a gorgeous woman the kids have never seen or heard of, and appears to have moved in already. Annie and Dix are flabbergasted and run home and tell Debbie what they saw. Debbie tells them that she knows already, and that they should try to be happy for Harry, making her the coolest operator we've ever seen. And that's saying a lot -- we watch Gossip Girl.

We later find out that Debbie didn't know about the other woman and passed it off as though she did, thereby making her even more incredible. It's no wonder Annie writes her "Who is my hero?" essay about her single, hard-working mom, and we were shocked to find that we were actually touched by a moment on 90210. Well done, writers.

Read on for porn industry hijinks and birthday-suit swimming excursions after the jump!

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November 2, 2010

90210: No, really. What the hell is a purse emergency?

"Aw man! Are we going to get jumped like Cher in 'Clueless' now??"

This week's episode of 90210 was mercifully slower-paced than the last time we tuned in, and we still didn't go wanting for lack of drama or hilarity. See writers? You can take it down a notch. These kids are still in high school, after all.

Naomi finally gets enough confidence to file a complaint against Cannon, Silver and Navid completely nerd it up and poor Liam is a purse pony for Laura and her personally-designed handbags, which turns out to be a juicier gig than he anticipated.

Navid and Silver
Seeing as someone has to actually give a crap about their education over losing their virginity or DJing at an awards ceremony that celebrates being a lazy arse, Silver and Navid are planning to attend the "Achievement Awards," something akin to an honors society with more specific awards. The race is tight between Harper and Navid for the most venerated prize and we get some amazing type-A banter out of the struggle.

But Navid already has other problems. He has a new locker mate that he swears he recognizes, but just can't place her. When he tells her his name she's offended, claiming that they both know they know each other and she wants nothing to do with Navid. Um, ok? Don't worry, Navid, girls are crazy.

When Navid and Silver finally get to the ceremony they overhear Harper's dad harassing her about getting an award and getting into college. There's no need to worry about her, since she wins the top award, but it turns out later that Navid withdrew his name. He has supportive parents and great friends, he says, what does he need with a stupid award? At which point Silver calls him a great guy, makes doe eyes at him and we can almost smell the upcoming love triangle. It doesn't help that Adrianna is sticking with Vic, causing Navid to doubt any integrity she might have had. By the way, excellent imagery, writers, with Adrianna almost falling over from all her shopping bags while she tells Navid this.

Later, Silver and Navid head to the "Undies" or the alternative awards ceremony that celebrates being a bum. Navid sees the mystery girl grinding up on another student on the dance floor and he knows where he's seen her: In one of his dad's pornography films. Which means mystery girl was underage and --judging by her less than warm welcome to Navid -- unfairly exploited.

Read on for some unlikely partnerships and Google's amazing powers of investigation after the jump.

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October 26, 2010

90210 recap: Confession time

"Look Ma, no dignity!

As much as this episode of 90210 adhered to the show's pattern of incessant, blindingly fast drama, there was a definite trend that we noticed throughout the hour. We just did a word count -- the word "confront" was used six times in our notes. For a school full of secretive schemers, that's a lot of confrontation. And, instead of evasive maneuvering on the part of the confronted, straight up confessions ensued. This must be bizarro Beverly Hills.

Ivy, Dixon, Oscar and Laurel
We open on our West Bev rats with Ivy waking up next to Oscar, clearly uncomfortable with her decision. No sooner is she pseudo-clad, when Laurel knocks on the door saying Dixon is there to visit. Dix confesses the truth about Sasha and says he wants Ivy back, but Ivy needs time to think -- about her regretfully tossed-away virginity, probably. Has anyone else noticed that losing one's virginity is hardly ever a good thing on this program?

Feeling confused, Ivy tells her mother what she did, to which Laurel reacts by threatening Oscar and kicking him out of the house. But Oscar isn't done with this little family of two. He tells the girls that he's been sleeping with both of them, much to Ivy's distress. She calls her mother a very nasty word which one should never call mothers and drives off sobbing into the night. And Laurel's not feeling too great about things, either.

Later, we get a glimpse of Ivy still sobbing, which is making us feel very comfortable astride our high horse, because we are mad. We now have two shows (this and Gossip Girl) sending a veiled message that losing one's virginity can only end in destruction and pain and that girls can't be trusted to give it away to someone worthwhile. They'll sleep with someone at the drop of a hat if they're feeling vulnerable enough, which someone almost always does on these shows. Can we have some more characters going through this very important experience with a little self-worth, please? Not asking that much.

Read on for Ade's assets and Jen's wrath after the jump!

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October 12, 2010

90210 recap: You look like you drive a minivan

"Thank god you're here. What do these things eat??"

This episode of 90210 seemed to be a point for some things to end and others to begin. Dixon and Ivy are over and Annie's given up on donating her eggs, while Debbie is starting a new job and Jen and Matthews are starting their lives as parents. Everyone is being set up for some big changes ahead. Except for Navid, who has been given hardly any face time lately. Please correct this, writers.

Annie, Debbie and Jen
Debbie is desperately trying to find a way to support her family, while Annie is continuing on with her egg-donating plans. After an interview with Jen, Debbie is given some inventory homework as a trial task for the position, and finds herself struggling with the zip-whatever and the slotty-thing on Annie's computer. HA, because our moms totally talk like that.

Meanwhile, Annie's brought home her goody-bag full of hormones from Katherine, which she'll have to administer via syringe. Word of advice, sweetpea: When you're hiding something from your mother that involves needles, you might want to keep said needles in a secure place. Naturally, Debbie finds the bag under Annie's desk and accuses her of doing drugs, to which Annie responds with her typical litany of incoherent babbling fit to rival Colin Firth. Debbie isn't much happier upon hearing the egg-donation scheme and tells Annie it's not happening.

Later, Debbie brings her work back to Jen only to have it chucked in the trash; apparently it was just a test of character/desperation. Already fed up with Jen's ridiculous attitude, Debbie is about to storm off -- until Jen's water breaks. The two hurry off to the hospital and baby Jacques/Jack is born.

Annie comes to visit her mom and the new baby and realizes that her eggs are more than just a cash cow; they're potentially a real person. She finally sees things Debbie's way and agrees that she's too young to donate her eggs. Besides, Debbie has a full-time job now and has extorted health benefits, twice the offered salary and overtime from a very frazzled Jen. By the way, Jen, no one knows what to do with their first baby. It's terrifying for everyone.

Read on for sexual tension and rash breakups after the jump!

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