UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS
Some moms are obsessed with turning every holiday into a portrait from Currier & Ives, but inevitably your Uncle Denny the drooler ruins the family portrait, and Auntie Cheapie gives packs of Hubba Bubba to the kids. My annual holiday gift guide won't restore a Victorian vibe, but it might help you get even with Uncle Denny and Auntie Cheapie.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
This one is especially for that nostalgic mom. Faster than the ghost of Christmas past, you can trigger Norman Rockwell-quality memories with Instant Happy Childhood Memories Breath Spray; $4.99 at www.stupid.com
A ROYAL PAIN
Send a message to the office head you dread -- buy her a Marie Antoinette doll with Ejector Head Action; Just be sure she can take a joke, so your head won't be the one rolling; $9.95 at wonderfullywacky.com
MOTHER OF ALL PUT-DOWNS
So your son-in-law or daughter-in-law's a slacker? Never miss an opportunity to roast their chestnuts year 'round with the talking Mother-in-Law Nutcracker. It has two modes: son-in-law ("Get off the couch you lazy bum!") or daughter-in-law. ("You call this a meal?") $19.95 at www.baronbob.com
KISS ME, YOU FOOL
Maybe December has never been your season for holiday romance, but now you can stop loitering desperately around the mistletoe. You'll never be in the right place at the wrong time when you have "Mistletoe to Go"; $9.95 www.baronbob.com
SERENITY NOW!
Bring along Latke Larry to this year's Festival of Lights. When you squeeze his foot, he sings about potato latkes in the voice of Jerry Stiller (that's George Costanza's dad on "Seinfeld"); $17.89 www.prankplace.com
HOLY COOK BOOK
Here's something wholesome that's good for the body and spirit. "Burnt Offerings," by Rev. Ken Fleck. He grew up at Sacred Heart at 70th and May and spent 12 years collecting recipes from priests and bishops, including a puff pastry recipe from Pope John Paul II. The books are available at various parishes, including St. George in Tinley Park. There's even a recipe from Pope Benedict XIII from the early 18th Century that Fleck found in a reference book for -- what else?-- Eggs Benedict.
-- Larry Potash