V-Day Tragedy & Triumph
Valentine’s Day is rarely irrelevant for women. There are two competing scenarios that spell disaster: having no valentine, and having one that screws it up, which can be worse than having no valentine. While the silver screen shows us that romance should be instinctual, the reality is that it is ugly in the liquor-drenched trenches of dating, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship can make you sea sick. This is why Ian Coburn of Lakeview has written about his dating disasters and willing to share them with you, in his book God Is a Woman (www.godisawoman.net)
It is his view that God must be a woman because at age 34, it seems the mysterious forces of the great beyond are against him. The spiritual thing to do is to find the good in the bad, and share the mistakes to help others.
For example, he meets “Gina” and the date goes well. They go back to his place and things heat up. She felt “uncomfortable,” considering this was a first date. In an effort to validate her feelings and make her more comfortable, Ian tried to say something reassuring. But, it came out like this:
“Don’t worry about it. It’s only a first date…I didn’t expect to get this far.”
Gina didn’t say anything….meaning she didn’t call him on this embarrassing moment, and she never said anything to him ever again. Never returned a call. That was it. Done. He never got the chance to tell Gina, but here is Ian’s analysis, for both men and women.
“When we like a woman, it makes us nervous. We become more self-conscious. We get so fearful of saying the wrong things, and of course, that’s what ends up happening,” Coburn said. “The only guy who says the right thing all the time is more interested in getting in her pants.”
So the question becomes, how can you tell the difference from a nice guy who says something, versus a guy who is simply an ass. Coburn says, it would’ve been better had Gina called him on it. It would have given him a chance to apologize---something men aren’t always very good at doing.
Advice for women---cut him some slack.
Advice for men---apologize—and Coburn notes that doesn’t mean a shrug with a “you know what I meant.”
How about a woman’s perspective? Rene Friedman is a lawyer in Chicago and she did the online dating. She did a background check and figured out the college philosophy professor she thought she was meeting wasn’t a professor at all---but he was married with three children.
She turned to a site with a different philosophy: www.greatboyfriends.com. What better endorsement for a guy, than a seal of approval from an “ex” or at least a female friend.
“If you write your own profile, it reflects how you perceive yourself. If a friend writes your profile, it reflects how others perceive you,” Friedman said. "When you describe yourself, you may not see your strengths and charms as clearly as a friend does."
Friedman met an artist, someone she might not have met in her professional circle. He wrote her a haiku about her high heels.
This might solve the problem of the fumbling self-conscious man. Write it down. It’s not a cop out; and you may build equity for when you inevitably say something stupid.
“In the beginning, you spend hours crafting these beautiful, long, involved emails to one another, like an 18th century character who spends hours writing correspondence to a lover who lives far away,” Friedman said. “Writing has a feeling of intimacy and romance that isn't replicated in phone calls or face to face conversations.”
It worked. They married in December of 2005. Now we just need someone who is willing to endorse an ex-girlfriend for Ian Coburn.