FATHER'S DAY GIFTS
Most gifts are about as useful to dad as a sterling silver golf tee, which, by the way, I discovered is actually available at Tiffany’s for $95. Dads seem to either have everything-- or at least seem to be comfortable with that dress shirt from 1981 (which may actually have cycled back into fashion once or twice.)
"See. I told you aviator Ray Bans would come back in style!"
At a certain age, we realize that life isn’t about stuff, it’s about experiences. What better experience than a big old laugh. With that, I present my annual RedEye Father’s Day Gift Guide.
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Have a blast
Your dad’s investment in that town house in LaGrange may never pay off, but here’s one that’s a sure thing: prime real estate in Hawaii. Lo’ihi Development company plans to offer waterfront property for $39.95! But there’s a catch. It is currently an underwater volcano and won’t emerge for a few thousand years. But here’s dad’s chance to finally get in on the (below) ground level. $39.95 gets you the land, brochure and deed.
www.petroglyphs.com/loihi/future.htm.
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Hold the anchovies
Dad has always wanted to sleep with his secret true love--and now he finally can without feeling guilty. Give him a night of saucy dreams with the pizza pillow. $29.95
www.brightandbold.com/piza-shaped-pillow.html.
Celebrity cookies
Dad will never be able to sleep with Angelina Jolie, but he can do this: snack on her likeness in the shape of a cookie. For the old-school dad with a sweet tooth, check out animal cookies shaped like Bruce Willis and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. That hint of vanilla really makes Will Smith shine. 24 boxes for $21.60
http://likeums.com/products02.htm.
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Office space
Protect your laptop in style with this foam envelope that looks like a shirt-and-tie combo. Stylish—if your dad dresses like Andy Sipowicz from "NYPD Blue." $35
http://barrysfarm.net/store/single_view/43.
Dad’s anatomy
Inventor Ron Zittler of Round Lake, Ill., has worked with a urologist to invent a post-vasectomy recovery kit that will have dad back in action in no time. It combines form-fitting underwear with "an inner shelf for scrotal support and an outer pouch to hold a custom-fitted ice pack." $29.95
Mmm, bacon
If your dad is more Homer Simpson than Pierce Brosnan, you might get him this for the next black tie event: The Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo—yes, it’s bacon scented! The red-carpet never smelled so good. $99.95
www.mcphee.com/resources/april/items/bacontux.html
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Have a laugh
Dads love to read in the bathroom and toilet-books are usually quick reads on fun facts. But local author Michael Ryan takes it a step further with "The Dirtiest Toilet Humor Book Ever." $8.95