BEST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER: HELP STILL NEEDED
Just a reminder: we still need your help. If you have relationship questions, submit them here, and we'll present them to Rabbi Shmuley on the 13th.
Rabbi Shmuley, of Shalom in the Home, returns to WGN Morning News December 13 at 8:45ish. He is one of our favorite guests because he gives great advice.
Most self-help books contain useless, cliche' information:
-do your homework
-take it one day at a time
-be yourself
But Rabbi Shmuley, author of books like DATING SECRETS OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, offers specific, helpful advice. (see below.) Here are some excerpts from Shmuley's book:
DATING SECRETS OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Today, far too few people date in order to find their soul mate. Instead, they search for a "partner." Because of a fundamental confusion of priorities, these men and women want to find a person who will provide them with many different and superficial things, rather than a companion who will connect with them on the deepest level.
Dating should never being with a list of what we HAVE. Rather, it must begin with making a mental list of what we lack. Only this will guarantee to make us feel whole. Sex and laughs are superficial. This is why compatibility is somewhat overrated. A soul mate bring you a feeling that you are the most special person in the world.
How do you know that you have found the right person?
The difference between "partner" and "soul mate" is found in passivity and silence. If you always have to act in order to have stimulation in your relationship, if you feel you always have to talk and impress each other, regale each other with exciting tales, etc...then you have a partner.
But if you can simply hold each other, saying nothing, and still the pain goes away, then you have a soul mate. He or she knows your thoughts and secrets without your expressing them.
In dating, you should always be the peasant and not the aristocrat. An aristocrat waits for a person to come along and impress them. He focuses on what HE wants and what HE deserves. In the process, you overlook what you nees because you are too self-centered to truely evaulate the person you are with. Be a peasant. Be humble, and search for that person who makes you feel needed.
Make your date know that she comes first.
If you are bored, the problem is usually with you, not your date.
practical suggestions:
-talk about issues and values and the stories that formed these formative experiences
-do good deeds with your date, rather than just going to karaoke. That doesn't necessarily mean soup kitchen, but perhaps visiting a grandmother.
DATING, NOT 'RELATING'
People make the mistake of dating for personal growth rather than to discover another human being. You should be deepening the relationship with the other person, not with yourself.
HONORABLE ENDINGS
How do you know when a relationship is "right"? When it makes you feel alive and optimistic for your future together. If you no longer look forward to seeing her...if she irritates you, if she bores you, then you are in trouble. Do not make the mistake of staying with an unsatisfactory relationship out of a sense of guilt.
You know when you are in love, and when this ain't it, dump the schlump. Don't stay in an unhappy relationshiop because you are afraid of hurting her feelings, or worse, because you fear nothing better will come along.
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Send your relationship questions now!
Comments
Dear Mr. Shmuley,
I wrote a few moments ago and I just realized in my current mind set I'm a little frazzled and forgot to tell you the nature of my question before.
To recap I'm an Italian male born and raised in America. I've been in a relationship with an Assryian woman born and raised in America. We are so extremely devoted to one another however being that I'm not of an Assyrian decent her family has very recently (this Monday) forbidden her to see me no more.
Her family is from Iraq but have lived in the USA for close to 30 years. They are what I would consider "old school" in there traditions. I would never be disrespectful to this and I've even gone as far as beginning to learn the language and to read up at the library on the culture etc. I did this as a sign from me to demonstrate to them that I'm interested in learning about them as they should be about me. We are at a very tough point and unfortunately for both of us she is being forced in choosing to make her family happy over herself.
I've asked numerous times to meet any member of her family to discuss this, and the response has been they don't want to know me because "I'm not Assyrian."
At this point they have forbidded her to see me and we are both crushed and devasted by this.
My question is "Is there anything that you could suggest or recommend that could be done to try and help us be together with her parents/families blessing?"
We are lost, confused, and unsure on what we do next. I desperately ask you for your guidance.
Sincerely,
Brian
847-691-9014
Posted by: Brian | December 12, 2007 9:20 AM
I posted before but I wanted to make sure that my question would be available for review.
But as I said before...
My question is a little loaded, but I really could use some third party advice.
I'm 22 and my husband is 36. We've been married for a year and he's been overseas in the military for 6 months of the marriage. I also feel that I was pressured into getting married because of financial circumstances.
When he was here, I always ended up going out to places by myself with friends my age that he refused to hang out with because he was "uncomfortable. My friends are not dangerous people, in fact I'm the craziest out of all of them. But I'm dragged to all of his peer affairs and other places and things reguardless of how I feel.
My questions are, is it right for me to continue to submit to him to keep the peace, reguardless of the numerous times I've told him how unfair he is? Did I really make a bad choice marrying him even though I love him? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept the fact that that's part of being married like my ma says, and if not, what do I do about it?
Posted by: Beebe | December 12, 2007 3:17 PM
Dear Rabbi-
Why is it all of the men in the age range of 42-and up are looking for the younger women 30 and below? Do they not understand that younger women want to be changing baby diapers one day..not THEIR husbands diapers!! Even on the internet dating sites...most of the men my age (I'm 42) are looking for 25 year olds!Trust me, I can still give any 25 year old girl a run for her money! Then the men who are looking at me are 72! What's the deal??
Posted by: Liz Ropele | December 12, 2007 5:37 PM
We had a baby 3 months ago, and sometimes it just seems like we can't reconnect. Lately, we have even been sleeping in different bedrooms! He works long hours, and is especially crabby because of the holiday season. Everytime I even MENTION Christmas, he starts to freak out about money. Do you think it will get better after this time of year has passed?
Posted by: Heather | December 13, 2007 6:09 AM
Do you have a web site and where can we find your books localy?
Posted by: Jorge Rivera | December 13, 2007 9:51 AM
THANK YOU! This guy is absolutely fabulous, and gave me an answer that was dead on that I might have to challenge my husband about. Does he have a 24hr hotline?
Posted by: Beebe | December 13, 2007 3:41 PM