When are you having another one?
I was warned... by my mother and my girlfriends, as soon as you have your first baby, everyone, and I mean everyone will ask you, when are you having your second one? A very inappropriate question in so many levels, if you ask me. Especially when no one knows, but the woman who gave birth to the token first child, how was her post labor recovery. Mine was a living hell. The worst six weeks of my life. My body gave out on me like it never had.
My baby was in perfect health, and thank God for that because, if there is one thing you learn the moment you know you are pregnant is that YOU rather go through all the pain and suffering known to womankind, than to see baby suffer at all. Nevertheless, I was a total mess, physically at first, and then an emotional wreck for about four weeks.
So when at week three of my post partum nightmare, my loving husband kept alluding to the second child and went as far as asking me if we should save some of our baby clothes for the next one, I almost killed him right there on the corner of Fairbanks and Ohio. You'd think the fact that he took me out for a walk so I would get my mind off my overwhelming sense of inadequacy, would have kept him from asking. After all, he was the one helping me with my pain, he was feeding our daughter because I couldn't sit for 2 weeks and calmed my constant crying. Why in the world would he ask that?
I literally answered, "of course, since this first delivery went so well, why not have another one". His only defense was that having 2 children was our original plan and that since he's older than me, he had to think about having another one quickly. "Well" I answered, "since your old, you'll die and then leave ME with the 2 kids, great idea". And a quick note for husbands, anything discussed before having a baby is put on hold while your poor wife gets her hormones and body under control, so, give it about a year.
From then on everyone from my mother in law to strangers at the supermarket asked the question. When I was finally feeling physically better and crying less and less, my answer was very much true to my usual self, "if I have another one, I'll go adopt him in another country, possibly South America. He will be 5 years old and eat on his own and will be potty trained".
My issue with this question is that not all first time mom's discover that motherhood is their calling when the doctor hands that baby over. Not all women adjust to their new life immediately. Babies don't come with instructions and for women like me who like it all under control, life as they know it takes a nose dive. Plus, physically, your body is a wreck. It nurtured another human being for 9 months, it delivered a full term baby through a very small cavity, it sure as hell will not bounce back.
I have a friend who told me she didn't feel she could have another baby until her first one was three years old. Another one called my only child husband to find out if it was horrible not having a sibling, just because she is not sure about having a second one. I'm feeling much better about the whole thing. Amelia has made me feel things I never thought I was capable of feeling. Making her happy and proud of her parents is my priority. She will have a sibling if her father and I decide we want to have another child, not because we want her to have a companion.
But that is our decision, no one should pressure us or ask us. So, a word of advise to all of us, since I'm sure I've asked the inappropriate question before having Amelia, do not ask the obvious question when someone has their first baby. Support their experience and enjoy the moment. We don't know how they are adjusting to parenting, we don't know if they CAN have another child. We could really hurt feelings with that one single question. It's none of our damn business anyway.
Comments
Hi Ana,
I had the same problem. Back in 1993, I had my first (and only child) after having 3 miscarriages. I was 34 years old. People kept asking me when I was going to have another one. I truthfully wanted to wait until my daughter was potty-trained. With my age, I don't I could have handled two children in diapers. Back in 1997, I became pregnant, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage. My then husband and I decided not to have any more children. We are now divorced, so I am glad we did not have any more children!
Posted by: Anita | January 14, 2008 12:58 PM
Ana,
Congrats on the new baby and I hope you know what your feeling is something a lot of mothers feel. Besides the pain, the depression, the raging hormones and the lack of sleep I'm sure your doing a great job.
When are you having another one :D
Posted by: Melissa | January 14, 2008 1:06 PM
This was my world in 1980, I thought I was never leaving the rocking chair in my bedroom. But here it is 2007 and I've raised 3 who have spread their wings into adulthood. It's been a blast. Everything has it's time and it all passes. Now I'm an empty nester with all the freedom in the world. But I have such a huge bank of precious memories to recall. Relax, enjoy and lead with your heart. It will be fine.!!!! Best of everything to you!! I love watching you in the AM. The morning show makes my day!!
Posted by: donna crocker | January 15, 2008 10:49 AM
You go Sista!
Posted by: Shari | January 15, 2008 1:56 PM
It's your decision and your body. You make the decision only. For crying out loud, Val & you are publicly displaying exercises in recovering from recent deliveries. And people are pressuring you to have #2.
I grew up in a strict Irish Catholic family. A lady across the street finally stopped at 10, when she had twins. Supposedly, she didn't know they were coming!
My mom had 3 of us, ages 4, 3 and new baby. She had to stop because of inner complications.
We lived in a 2-story walk-up apt. when she was pregnant with last kid. She'd go shopping, carry up one of us and one bag of groceries. Then come down for the other kid and other bag.
You could use excuse, if you want to, inner complictations. Only your doctor (made-up) would know
Posted by: Anne Wilmot | January 16, 2008 11:36 AM
Hi Ana -
I can completely relate to your situation. My daughter, Ava is 4 months old and my husband and I are both 37 - everyone asks well you better not wait too long to have another one b/c you sure don't want to be 40 and pregunant. My answer is - well maybe I do! We agree with you, if we choose to have a second child we'll do it when we're ready. There's nothing wrong with ENJOYING your first child--- especially when they're months old. Unfortunately I think people in our society believe it's their business to ask others such personal questions. Just worry about what's right for your family!
Posted by: Karen | January 17, 2008 10:46 AM
Yup, I remember those feelings. It gets better, it really does. Pretty soon you will look back on your emotions and laugh at yourself. I have four, but let me tell ya, the first time was ROUGH! You will do a great job. Just one bit of advice: when you are going through frustrating times, (baby won't sleep, potty training, etc.) and you think you will just die if it doesn't get better-it will and you'll forget all about it.
Good Luck!
Posted by: Chris | January 17, 2008 12:00 PM
I hate to tell you, but people will never stop asking. My daughter is almost 5; and for for the last 5 years I have been asked weekly by family and coworkers when I'm going to have another. My answer? We haven't decided. I'm 37, so I know we need to decide soon. I'm not offended so much by the question of when, but when people tell me I need to have another. They have no idea if there is medically a reason why we only have one (there isn't). Just yesterday, a woman at work told me my daughter needs a companion. She already has 2 - mom and dad. We love to play with her and do things as a family was my answer. The coworker's comments to that? Well, you and your husband won't be around forever. Can you believe it? Rude! Only you and your husband know what's right for you. For us right now, it's one. Best of luck to you.
Posted by: Kris | January 18, 2008 1:32 PM