Marathon (Old) Man
When my grandmother was younger, she used to walk to the movie theatre (it was a little over a mile each way). And by younger, I mean when she was 81. Being a big movie fan myself, we'd often talk about her outings.
"Grandma, what'd you go see?"
"Bad Boys 2."
"What?!?"
"Bad Boys 2. I like that Will Smith. He's cute."
I was usually most impressed that she enjoyed the same type of gratuitious violence, filthy language and unnecessary sex that her 25-year old grandson so valued in today's cinema. But I was also impressed that she trucked it 3 miles roundtrip on the hard pavement of New York City. Most of her peers in the building had to stop every 50 yards or so to adjust their oxygen tanks.
In my near-decade of sportscasting, though, I've learned of people her age (and older) doing stuff way more grueling- running marathons, completing triathlons, surfing, BULL-RIDING! Their accomplishments defy logic and the laws of nature. These people are extraordinary, and their feats have left me with one indisputable, irrefutable, undeniable conclusion.
They are aliens.
I'm still a young man and my list of physical ailments is longer than Van Halen's rider sheet. I have a herniated disc in my neck, a bulging disc in my neck, occasional fluid build-up on my knee, and some type of undiagnosed arthritic condition in both of my hips. If I go run 3 miles right now, I'll be walking like The Penguin for the next 3 days.
So you see, there's no way any legitimate 85-year old is climbing Mt. Everest. Not unless they lived during Biblical times, when people lived to, like, 800, and 85-year olds were basically 12.
That said, it's time to send this guy back to his mothership, however old he is.