WGN Morning News Blog (old)

One of my oldest possessions is a miniature Plymouth Rock that I got as a souvenier during a field trip in Kindergarten 1973 to Plimoth Plantation, where you can see the "real" rock. When you grow up in Boston, history is real. Some of the streets and structures still stand, or at least have been recreated, so you are surrounded by history. Of course, even in Boston, children got the sanitized version of everything: The Pilgrims enjoyed a lovely sail across the water and Squanto was at the shore with a gift-basket with wine and poutpourri. Oh sure, the Indians did teach the Pilgrims about planting corn -- it was all organic, without the thumb-rings and lip-piercings of the Whole Foods workforce. They all sat down at a very long table, with very tall buckled hats and the evening culminated with a "shirts and skins" two-hand touch game.

Once you get out of elementary shool, it seems Thanksgiving becomes a holiday without meaning or character. I always feel like that scene in The Simpsons, where Marge does her darnedest to prepare a lovely family meal, with candles, and all the trimmings. Then, Homer, Bart and Lisa fly down the stairs, gobble the grub in pandemonium, burp, spew a casual "thanks mom" and move on their merry way. So when I have young relatives at the holiday table, I take a page out of the Passover playbook, and have people around the table read a passage or two from the real Thanksgiving story, without the cornucopia of cartoonism.

I remember in third grade, making a Thanksgiving mural and my Pilgrims were proportionately about two feet taller than the Indians. They are bigger than life in our stories but that is not the complete picture. The Massachusetts Turnpike used to have signs with Pilgrim hats and an arrow through them. That tells you -- there's a little more to the story. They headed towards Massachusetts when they were blown 220 miles off course, and then they started to run out of beer (really--it was safer than water.) Before the Mayflower "hit Plymouth Rock" a scouting party stole some corn, and at least 30 Indians attacked them with arrows, according to Nathaniel Philbrick's book "Mayflower."

He writes that unlike the Founding Fathers, the Pilgrims believed they were guided more by God, than reason and as long as the Indians were loyal, there would be no problems. Religious tolerance wasn't in their playbook, but when they were starving, they were a little more willing to listen to native wisdom.

The farming lessons weren't free. Massasoit, had a secret agenda. What many people don't realize, is that the Pilgrims landed in the middle of a political power struggle among Indian tribes. To make a long story short, Philbrick writes that this led to violence that spread among various alliances that crossed racial lines and created mass confusion.

The first Pilgrims tried to live in peace among the tribes, but their children and grandchildren engaged in ethnic cleansing and slave trading. Ultimately, Philbrick writes, the New Englanders destroyed their forefathers' way of life. So you see, The Pilgrim chapter isn't just one hard winter of thanks and peace, but an epic story of surviving disease and warfare; something that's worth remembering before overindulging in big portions and small talk.

Copyright © 2007, WGN-TV

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Sometimes you have to get a different perspective to see the light. I recall an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies when Jed Clampett pondered a question about something that seemed very silly to him: "Why would anyone want to take a plant, roll it up in a piece of paper, stick it in their face, and set fire to it?"

Why indeed? A good question to ask as we approach The American Cancer Society's 31st anniversary of the Great American Smokeout on Thursday, November 15. When you listen to the common wisdom of Jed, it all seems silly. At one point, people didn't think it looked so silly---in fact, it looked cool. For decades, people have been influenced by powerful media images.

Some old cigarette ads from the 1940's included a variety of gimmicks, and people bought it.

For example…Philip Morris boasted that their cigarettes were less irritating.

"All smokers inhale--but your throat needn't know it."
(Until the cancer sets in, and then all your body parts will know.)

You think that's bad? Kool Cigarettes featured a penguin and promised that it would clear your head like Vicks Vapor Rub.

"They're mildly mentholated. Light up and feel that instant refreshment. Smoke long--your throat and tongue stay cool and smooth… your mouth clean and fresh."
(…your lungs coated in tar.)

Before the cute, cartoon Joe Camel was used, Camels' pitch-man was Santa Claus. His jolly image covered the carton to make gift-giving easy---no wrapping needed.

"There's an added pleasure in giving Camels at Christmas."
(Remember the nativity with nicotine. Nothing celebrates the lord's birth like rich tobacco flavor; and with all that second-hand smoke, it's the gift that keeps giving.)

Our parents will say that nobody knew the dangers. The best warning our moms ever got was when the obstetrician advised them to blow the smoke in the other direction while they were breast feeding us. But today, the American Cancer Society offers these facts: Cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined--that's 1,200 people every day. A hundreds of those are non-smokers who die from heart disease.

Smokers cry about their "rights." Yes, we all have rights and sometimes two rights come into conflict, and that's when the courts decide whose right is more important. How can anyone argue that the right to smoke is more vital than the right to breathing clean air? Would Samuel Adams' patriots have rallied behind the cause of the right to light up in ye olde public house?

Maybe Bogart or Bond made it look glamorous on the big screen---for some reason that's proven to be a powerful motivator for young people to inhale carcinogens. But, I'm sure the men who wore powdered wigs in Adams' day thought they looked pretty cool too. The statistics should help people's judgement evolve, before they become one of those stats. Remember this---who was more macho than the original Marlboro man himself? Of course, he ultimately died of, what else? Lung Cancer.

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Halloween, as a child, was magical -- the old, gnarled tree branches backlit against the moonlight; shuffling through the fallen colors to strange homes for Trick or Treat. In the days before Fright Night was a marketing bonanza, with fog machines and motion-activited skeletons, one of my neighbors back in 1974 had, in the driveway of his old house, under an old tree, a coffin with a seven foot Frankenstein that could react to my every move, and even talk to me. It was the most unbelievable thing I had ever seen, in all my seven years walking among the living.

It has become increasingly difficult to capture the eeriness of this ghostly night. As we go from high school, to college, to the adult singles scene,

The drinks may get slightly more sophisticated, but the spookish vibe and mystery of the hallowed night just isn't there.

“Paranormalists” recruit people around the world gather every Halloween to mark the death of Harry Houdini, and try and bring him back from the grave through a séance.

It all started 179 years ago, when Houdini died on Halloween of 1926. He set up a code with his wife Bess, so that if there were truly a way to contact her after death, he would do it. She attended séances for nine years and then on the tenth year, the séance was held on the roof of the Knickerbocker hotel in Los Angeles. There were clear skies but reportedly a storm rolled in and downpoured soley on the hotel, and then went away. Some saw this "weather phenomenon" as a sign from Harry. But it must not have been the code. Bess never showed up to another séance.

But if a rolling thunderstorm is considered "a sign" then how will we really know it's Houdini, short of his specter screaming 'boo.' People claiming to be paranormal experts says it's subjective. A "sign" could be a creeky floorboard, or a spider falling from the ceiling. But if it's subjective, than what validity does all this have beyond a piece of compelling theater? Better yet, if we're suspending the laws of science to say that someone can make contact from the grave, than why do we need an organized séance to communicate? Why not just shout out "Hey Harry -- you here?"

Because of Houdini's background as an illusionist, he recognized the techniques of mediums and became a crusader against charlatans who took advantage of grieving families, according to Mark Moran and Mark Sceurman of the book "Weird U.S." He frequently attended séances in disguise, in order to expose the mediums.

We all have intuitive abilities -- some people use them; others choose to ignore them. That's insightful. Because while the annual Houdini séance is a great way to experience the eeriness of Halloweens past, it also serves as a warning. As The Great Houdini knew, those who look to "spiritualists" for serious guidance may experience the greatest disappearing act of them all -- their money.

Larry Potash
Copyright © 2007, WGN-TV

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This month marks the 50th anniversary of the dawn of the space age. The Soviets’ launch of the Sputnik satellite started the space race in 1957.

But lately the space race seems to be stalling, with much at stake for our survival. Why?

The world is going to end. Don’t believe it because of some guy on the street corner screaming his Armageddon warnings through a bullhorn. Obviously, the world is going to end someday. We all learned in 8th grade science that at some point, in a number of years with a lot of zeroes at the end, the sun will burn out.

But others believe crisis is more imminent.

In July, New York Times columnist John Tierney wrote about Dr. J. Richard Gott and his conclusion that to ensure our long-term survival, we need to get a colony up and running on Mars within 46 years.

At first I pictured Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Emmett Brown from "Back to the Future." But Gott is a professor of astrophysics at Princeton. He bases predictions about how long something will last based on how long something has lasted already, and also upon the Copernican Principal

In short, Gott points out that if we don’t colonize space soon, we may never do it and we’ll have nowhere to go when extinction looms.

In 2006, a group of scientists, including Stephen Hawking, got together for a TV production and predicted several ways the Earth could end.

* A gamma ray burst or black hole

* Artificial intelligence on the loose

* A super volcano

* An asteroid striking the Earth.

* Nuclear annihilation

* A natural or bioterrorist pandemic

* Global warming

So if not the Earth or Mars, where?

Dennis Hope is selling real estate on the moon; deeds go for $20. Laugh if you will, but Hope claims 4 million people have spent $9 million so far, including George Lucas and President G.W. Bush, according to Discover magazine. Hope exploited a loophole in a UN treaty that prohibits nations from owning the moon but says nothing about individual holders.

However, Discover quotes a professor at the Institute of Air and Space Law at McGill University as saying Hope’s strategy won’t hold up in court. Of course, if these new lunar owners are leaving behind an Earth in ruins, having a deed might be better than not having one.

Perhaps in another corner of the universe, there is another planet colonizing other planets. Or, perhaps we are a colony of a previous planet, and some bumbling Dr. Smith fumbled the sacred history books, which are now ‘lost in space.’

Either way, the game here is "survival of the fittest."

Tragedies in the space program have made us gun-shy. But colonizing space will take bold ideas and risks—and a public with an appetite for failure.

So as we look to the next 50 years of space exploration, let’s steer our children away from iPods and X-boxes and toward understanding the universe.

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The Cubs in the World Series? I didn’t want to take a chance at waiting to write about it. Who knows how long the Cubs playoff push will last? While the dream is alive, I thought I would explore Cubs World Series story, albeit a brief one.

It seems spooky things happen in October between the white lines of a baseball diamond. While baseball purists love stats, I thought these vignettes might be more useful in helping more moderate fans sound like they just jumped on the band wagon. The Cubs appearances are easy enough to look up but I was surprised at how many different ways the Cubs have dramatically choked. Here are the odd stories you don’t get from simply glancing at the box score.

Let’s start out on a positive note, something the 1907 Cubs did not do. According to THE WORLD SERIES’ MOST WANTED by John Snyder, for unexplained reasons, the Cubs wore their gray “away” uniforms, so they looked just like the visiting Tigers. The only difference was the hat and socks. It’s unclear if having two teams dressed alike caused much confusion, but the matching grays of Chicago and Detroit finished with a matching score. Game one was called 3-3 because of darkness in the 12th. When the Cubs straighened out their wardrobe malfunction, they won four straight.

In 1918, The Cubs and Red Sox threatened to go on strike during the World Series.

Their share of the gate receipts had been cut. Part of the reason was that the nation was at war, so attendance was lower and ticket prices decreased. The players eventually backed off their threats, worried they would appear greedy, while other men were risking their lives.

What contributed to the Cubs failure in 1918 was not the tension over a strike threat, but baserunning. In game three, the Cubs were down 2-1 with two outs in the ninth. Cubs outfielder Charlie Pick tried to take third on a passed ball that was only 20 feet behind the plate. The third-baseman knocked down the catcher's poor throw into foul territory. Pick pressed his luck and tried for home and a perfect throw nailed him.

It gets worse. In game four of that series, Cubs outfielder Max Flack was picked off base twice in the game---the only time that’s ever happened in the World Series.

Here’s a bit of baserunning trivia. The only time the World Series ended on a botched stolen base attempt? Babe Ruth, who was not known for his fleet feet, decided on his own to steal second and was thrown out. I bring up the baserunning blunders, because it reminds me of Carlos Zambrano recently chugging around third, ignoring the coach’s stop sign, and getting thrown out at home. As they teach you in Little League, physical mistakes are inevitable; mental errors are unforgiveable.

OTHER NOT-SO-FUN FACTS from Snyder’s WORLD SERIES MOST WANTED

The Philadelphia Athletics beat the Cubs in the 1910 World Series using only two pitchers: Chief Bender and Jack Coombs.

In the 1918 Series, The Cubs’ Hippo Vaughn pitched three complete games, giving up only three runs, but he lost two of the games, including the opener 1-0. The opposing pitcher? Babe Ruth.

In the 1929 Series, Pat Malone took an 8-0 Cubs lead over the Athletics and gave up a record setting 10 runs. A couple of days later, he pitched game five, and took a two hitter into the ninth. With two outs away from a World Series ring, he fell apart and gave up three runs.

In 1932, game three was at Wrigley and the Yankees hit four home runs. Babe Ruth reportedly pointed his bat to the outfield to “call his shot” and hit a homer to center. It was the last of his 15 career World Series home runs.

A former Cub has the best all-time World Series batting average (minimum 75 appearances) but this won’t make you burst with pride. It involves the worst trade in Cubs history. Lou Brock hit .391 in three series. His 25 hits in consecutive World Series (1967-68) is a record.

In the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder, what are the possible ways in which someone could blow it. There are physical errors (Bill Buckner letting a ball through his legs in ‘86) and mental errors (see examples above) and the intangibles (Bartman.) So here is a look back, in hopes of learning a lesson or two. Clip and send to your favorite Cub. Hopefully, October will spare us frightening nights until the 31st.

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At this risk of sounding like an old man, in my day, rap music meant something. I have to admit, I have shut it out for a long time. Every rap music video seems to be about cash, cars, guns and 'hoes'. Apologists argued it was just a reflection of their reality; critics complained the message offered no solution.

But I'm old school. Perhaps RUN DMC and Grand Master Flash would seem as innocent as listening to Hall&Oates or Englebert Humperdink, but at least those rap pioneers had a message.

RUN DMC:

One thing I know is that life is short

So listen up homeboy, give this a thought

The next time someone's teaching

why don't you get taught?

It's like that; and that's the way it is

GRAND MASTER FLASH:

Pay your toll, sell your soul

Pound for pound costs more than gold

The longer you stay, the more you pay

My white lines go a long way

Either up your nose or through your vein

With nothin to gain except killing your brain

John Clarke is a student of hip hop, and he has a message. When I say student, I don't mean that casually. He received his B.A. in Sociology and Music from Columbia University. Then he earned his Medical Degree from The Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City. He's combined his two passions by producing hip-hop music about health.

"My passion, first, was music. It was 1979 -- Kurtis Blow and the Sugar Hill Gang -- I was 8 and I was writing rap songs," Clarke told me. "As I got older I continued to write but my passion developed into medicine in high school. I pursued a career in medicine because it is more rewarding and more stable. It's a good 'day job' to have."

His songs are about asthma, allergies, HIV, and more.

The Rules:

A diabetic that regretted the truth,

That he really wasn't careful in the days of his youth.

Diagnosed at 18 he thought he was straight,

didn't care about he weight or the junk that he ate.

Was in denial for awhile; thought he felt great.

Got up at night five, six times to urinate.

The rap isn't just shtick. Dr. Clarke is serious about educating people about health. He notes that studies have shown the average teen listens to 40 hours of music per week and 10,500 hours of music between the 7th and 12th grade. This is slightly less than the cumulative hours spent in the classroom from kindergarten through the 12th grade.

Rhythm and rhymes, key components in rap, help evoke memory. But he knows he can't get too cutesy. He needs to be authentic, or he'll lose credibility.

["The songs have a] story format and are based on real experiences with my patients," he told me. "If they perceive you are trying to preach to them, it turns them off."

It's more than just rhyming. Dr. Clarke has studied the best ways to reach people. For example, when it comes to smoking, teens care more about superficial issues like bad breath, while adults can grasp the concept of lung cancer.

Bad Breath-Brown Teeth

They can't stop the habit, reaching in their pocket, cash up in smoke, quicker than they got it.

Now I'm on the topic, how do they enjoy it?

Teeth look cheesey, breath smelling like a toilet.

30 years later, waiting for the answer, Doctors took tests, now he says it's cancer!

"I'm a physician who raps -- not a rapper who happens to be a physician," Clarke said. "They'll see athletes , rap artists as what society promotes as what you want to do. But I present myself as a doctor. I want to be a role model."

I showed the video to rap star, and Chicago native, Common for his reaction.

"I don't think he can make it on the Common album," he said with a laugh. "Man, anybody can rap nowadays!"

Are you kidding? Dr. Clarke's got skills. I'm no poet, but it's a lot easier to rhyme with "hoe" than with sinusitis.

He may never make the cover of VIBE, but Dr. Clarke is saving lives, and that's more than we can say for anyone on top of the Hip-Hop charts.

*note: Dr.Clarke makes his Chicago TV debut Thursday on WGN Morning News

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It seems a contradiction in terms to say that "psychics" could have their own "reality" shows, but this is the new niche that TV will explore in two shows coming out in October.

NBC’s "Phenomenon" looks for "the next great mentalist." You also can watch alleged psychics compete in Lifetime’s "America’s Psychic Challenge."

I can see it now. Psychic contestant No. 1 turns to the audience and says, "Is there a John here? There is? A-ha!"

It makes sense. Reality TV is inexpensive to produce, and there is no shortage of people trying to make a fortune reading your fortune.

You might think that with the cameras rolling, we’d finally find out once and for all whether this legendary power exists. But don’t be fooled.

I contacted paranormal investigator Jim Underdown of the Center for Inquiry West in Hollywood, who said all the lights, cameras and action of a TV production could interfere with making any psychic test fair and honest.

"A TV production is a bad testing environment. Unlike a science lab, TV sets have too many people to keep an eye on and too much activity to control. Who is making sure the psychic isn’t getting a hint from the makeup girl or audience member? Also, producers have to edit, and an editor can make a psychic look better."

Underdown knows this first-hand. His team of investigators did an expose of James Van Praagh’s and John Edward’s syndicated TV shows a few years ago.

"We recorded everything in studio and compared it to what aired. They were substantially different in the accuracy. They’re getting rid of the wrong guesses," Underdown said. "Once you pull back the curtain and see how it’s done, it’s not impressive at all."

While some psychics are clearly frauds, there are many others who believe they have some power—though they never have been tested under controlled conditions.

If self-proclaimed psychics have any real ability, they should contact Underdown. His organization will award $50,000 to anyone who can demonstrate psychic ability under scientific testing.

One person tried just that. John Douglas of Australia flew to Chicago last year to do his thing under scientific scrutiny. Douglas claimed he could detect gold, plastic, metals and other materials without looking or touching them; he boasted of a 90 percent accuracy rate. Underdown agreed to do the test, and a crew at a cable TV station in Evanston was going to record everything. On the way to the testing, Douglas called Underdown to cancel.

"He practiced the night before in his hotel room and got terrible scores," Underdown said. "He said he lost his power and maybe it had something to do with jet lag. But it was three days after he flew in." Underdown hasn’t heard from him since.

Psychics don’t seem to rely on their "powers" to detect their own cancer--they go to the doctor, like the rest of us. They don’t predict when the train will arrive--they look at the train schedule. And even psychics (along with everyone else) can guess correctly now and then. But under scientific scrutiny, and incorporating statistical probability, no psychic has met the test.

When producers see that psychics aren’t making the grade, I fear they may lower the bar in their testing methods or simply elevate the psychics’ performance through creative editing.

In the end, the psychic phenomenon you see on TV will only be an illusion, much like it is in real life.

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Seven days and counting---that’s how long John Gerard has until his mission ends: to become famous in 31 days. How? He doesn’t sing with monkeys or juggle hand-grenades. Gerard is trying to become famous in 31 days by simply trying to become famous in 31 days.

“I wouldn’t say it’s a noble goal, but it’s a self-serving goal Why do I want to be famous? Let me see if I can say this succinctly and concisely: because anonymity sucks! Are we all in agreement? Anonymity sucks. I think that pretty much sums it up,” Gerard told me.

Becoming famous should not be that hard. In the You-Tube age, people have become insta-celebreties for synchronized wedding dances, and songs about chocolate rain. But those people are really just a temporary curiosity. To become famouse you need real talent. I am not sure if Gerard has any. You can judge for yourself at www.famousin31days.com where you can see Gerard effort chronicled in an ongoing "documentary." He is essentially travelling across the country, in hopes that people will interview him.

I bought it. It is an incredibly uninteresting idea on the surface. But the former TV producer from New York is chasing a dream and taking big chances and when you put a deadline on it, there is some suspense to see if he’ll make it.

“I had a job. I quit my job…and I’m using the down payment on a house I purchased to finance this trip. So everything is on the line.”

How many of us can say we took big chances in life on a dream, instead of a safe job in a cubicle, for which you are now regretting, as you drop more change in the office vending machine for another package of ding-dongs to get you through the dull afternoon.

Typically, people who have lasting fame, have something to offer society—they’ve won a revolution (George Washington) or made great movies (Denzell Washington.) And yes, perhaps George and Denzell would get better tables at Spago then you. But,

then what? What is the bonus? It is certainly not the only measure of success. Just look at famous people in the news this week:

Britney Spears failed to live up to expectations, or on second thought, maybe she lived up to them, in her performance at the MTV awards. She was a punchline for the next 24 hours.

Kanye West whined like a bratty toddler about not getting his MTV awards because he’s black.

Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into a shoving match.

Bengal receiver Chad Johnson made a fool of himself, by self-proclaiming his destiny with a yellow self-made Hall of Fame jacket on the sidelines during Monday Night Football.

Hey—these people are famous. Would you want to be them?

Gerard’s goal is to be on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Day 31. If he fails the consequences are…well….probably nothing. He’ll go back to his non-famous life of normalcy--- back to his old profession as a tv producer, slumming with the people “behind the scenes.” The odd thing is, as he runs around the country with a camera to his face, and begging for face-time, what he is essentially doing is producing TV, the very thing he was trying to escape. Perhaps it’s not producing he hates, but what he was producing. Maybe Gerard inadvertently found his calling: the “John Gerard Show, starring John Gerard.” The question is---would anyone watch it?

Gerard’s gamble for passion over a paycheck is admirable. However, for those people like Gerard who measure success by their notoriety, returning to the secure 9-5 job would be a life-sentence of mediocrity….but it is a self-imposed punishment.

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For centuries, men have gathered in public places to ponder the great questions in life. At Le Procope coffeehouse in 18th century Paris, Voltaire asked the nature of God, and Benjamin Franklin pondered the issues of fair government. All well and good but, of course, that was before more exciting things---like football. At taverns in 21st century America, people debate whether the ’85 Bears could beat the 2004 Patriots, or whether Brian Urlacher is better than Dick Butkus.

As a philosopher might point out, those are unfair questions. But hold on---Diderot never had a laptop. A website called www.whatifsports.com gets to the bottom of such “what if” questions. By using lots of zeroes and ones in ways that most of us will never understand, you can now generate answers to some of the biggest questions in sports history: Is Bonds better than Ruth? Would the ‘96 Bulls beat the ‘86 Celtics?

Corey Lamb of Lake Forest, asked if the 1978 Steelers would beat the ’85 Bears. He simulated the match-up on www.whatifsports.com hundreds of times.

“It always comes out pretty close. You can match different years and eras on the computer that you can’t do in the corner bar,” Lamb said. “It allows you to have a printed piece of paper to say ‘this is what happened.’”

Why? Our passion for our team has been with us longer than even many of our closest friends.

“In our formative years we attach to them and we create heroes and we want them to be our heroes forever,” Lamb told me.

“So much of sports is the debate and camaraderie and attaching yourself to a team and community and group of other people,” said Paul Bessier of www.whatifsports.com. “It’s not just the team but the time period or the guy you appreciated more than others, the more you can associate with what you believe in, the better we feel about that.”

Bessier says the site has had 450,000 registered users in it’s simulated leagues since the site debuted in 2000.

Just for fun, I ran through each game of the Bears season to see how they would do. The simulation is based on 2006 stats but I figured it was close enough.

I matched the season projection from the folks of What-If and Sports Illustrated, with the Bears ending at 11-5.

The bad news: Rex Grossman’s projected ’07 stats were about what they were last year. They include 9 interceptions in the two Green Bay games.

The good news: While SI projected the Bears to lose in the playoffs, I had them in a thrilling come-from-behind victory in Superbowl XLII. The Bears suffer six sacks, but the defense holds Tomlinson to 75 yards and 0 touchdowns. The offense comes from a 16-0 half-point deficit with 16 fourth quarter points to win in overtime thanks to a Robbie Gould field goal from 48 yards out! Final score Bears 19 Chargers 16. Bears are Superbowl champs!

But that’s not really doing www.whatifsports.com justice. The experts are already doing their 2007 projections and they run each game 61 times to find an average.

So while I have the Bears beating San Diego Sunday 38-30 on my one simulation, What-If has San Diego winning by an average of 25-15. The Chargers won 53% of the simulated games. This means the Bears still have an even chance of winning, but if they win, it won’t be by much, which is important for people engaged in gambling (for fun.)

How can they pick for ’07 with so many unknowns---new coaches, rookies etc.?

They look at stats from college, and compare performances from players who have come out of similar college programs to see how they did in the NFL their rookie year.

Bessier says over the last two seasons, his staff has accurately projected the winner of NFL games 69% of the time straight up and 58% of the time against the spread.

But as the site attempts to end great sports debates of legend, its simulations also stimulate more debate. For those passionate fans who don’t like the results of 61 simulated games, they can always play dozens more, until their favorite team is finally a winner for the ages.

Continue reading "BEARS IN SUPERBOWL: WHAT IF...." »

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In their pursuit of liberty and happiness, the Founding Fathers knew what they were doing.

Their blueprint for freedom was built on a foundation of a free press.

Thomas Jefferson said, "Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter."

But I doubt Jefferson ever envisioned the printing press churning out headlines like "SUICIDAL TWIN GETS CONFUSED — KILLS BROTHER BY MISTAKE."

You know the Weekly World News, that supermarket tabloid you were too embarrassed to buy — in fact, too embarrassed even to get caught sneaking a peak at while you stood in check-out line. The newspaper is printing its last paper a week from today.

Not to worry, freedom remains in tact. It is not such a sad day for journalism, but maybe for a few journalists.

Joe Berger worked as a journalist in Washington, covering Capitol Hill and the White House, for six years but quit his prestigious and influential job to cover news of the weird for Weekly World News in 1981.

"Washington is an exciting, heady place for a reporter, but there are only so many Senate toxic-waste hearings and White House press briefings you can take before it all begins to seem like a bad re-run," Berger said in an e-mail. "So when Weekly World News offered me a chance to move to Florida, shed my coat and tie, go to work in blue jeans and tennis shoes and write about haunted toilets and gay space aliens, it was too good a chance to pass up."

Berger told me the man who hired him had been an editor at the New York Times and had joined WWN for the same reason, because it’s fun working with creative people and having a few laughs at work.

Here is my official list of best WWN headlines that did not include aliens, presidents or Big Foot:

"DENVER LITTLE LEAGUE COACH RECRUITS FOREST ANIMALS TO BEAT ARCH RIVALS"

"AMERICA’S FIRST SUPERHERO: PILGRIM ACQUIRED INCREDIBLE POWERS FROM SMOKING TOBACCO AND DRINKING COFFEE"

"COWARDLY MATADOR ONLY FIGHTS RABBITS."

I always wondered how they came up with this stuff. I imagined writers sitting around pulling out words from a big hat: "LOCH-NESS," "MARRIES," "FARAH FAWCETT."

Actually, as someone who scans news wires and Web sites for hours, I notice the real world is sometimes not that different from the one those WWN writers fantasize about.

Three of the following headlines were in the news on the day I was writing this column; one was made up by the Weekly World News. Can you guess which one is vintage WWN?

a) "NORWEGIAN MOOSE CONTRIBUTE TO GLOBAL WARMING"

b) "FORENSIC EXPERT TESTS HUBBY’S PANTS"

c) "STUDENTS PLAY FRISBEE WITH LAND MINE"

d) "THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING DRAG QUEEN"

The WWN headline is ... D.

It just goes to show you that truth is often stranger than fiction.

But it is a complicated and serious world, and weeding through pages of documents, chasing politicians through marble halls can get to be a drag after awhile.

"Many days we laughed so hard we ached, and nobody in his right mind would want to leave a job like that," said Berger, who left the WWN in 2001. "It was worlds away from the urban renewal meetings and lame press conferences suffered by mainstream journalists."

"My fondest memories are of helping to report some of the great news stories of our time," he said, "including the saga of Bat Boy, the tale of the confused space alien who tried to mate with a Weed Eater, and the story of a preacher whose electronic penile implant caused him to get an erection every time the neighbor lady used a remote control to open her garage door."

They laughed writing it. We laughed reading it. Even if we were too embarrassed to admit it.

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Like the wrapper on a can of creamed corn, TV personalities are the identifying label on the product being made inside a TV station. You used to identify WGN with certain colorful characters: Ray Rayner, Garfield Goose, and Bozo. Rayner died a few years ago, Garfield Goose is in museum storage, and Bozo was forced into retirement from computer-generated kids shows on the cartoon network.

This leaves the well-coifed newscasters to be the face of a local TV station. There is no question that the most valuable is Tom Skilling, who celebrates his 29th anniversary with WGN this week. When my colleagues and I used to ride in the WGN parade float with Bozo, we’d be invisible. Now, we’re still invisible; only it’s Tom Skilling everyone wants to smell and squeeze. Wherever I go, everyone wants to know about Tom Skilling. What’s he really like?

I’ll get to his dark dirty secrets in a moment, but first, let me say (and I would say this to Tom right before he’d go on the air just to needle him) : 'What difference does all this weather information really make?' Skilling will note that there’s a relationship between El Nino, Nixon’s sale of grain to Russia, and the anchovy harvest in Peru. (I’m not making that up.)

However, I just think about Jason Bourne driving cars off roofs, stabbing villains with pens, and saving the world from evil bureaucrats -- and your biggest concern is if Saturday turns out to be eight degrees cooler than predicted, and you forgot a sweater. So what?

We’ve all bought into it -- bold colors fly across the screen like you are watching some chase scene in a Disney animation -- it’s just Skilling’s graphics -- everything from barometric pressure in Kankakee, to the average windspeed of the Chinook winds in October, to the 100 year history of precipitation on a given day at Palwaukee Airport. The staff once counted 40 elements (graphics satellite loops) in his weathercast. It is without a doubt, the most comprehensive weather report in the country.

I have seen him do weather hundreds of times and I still don’t understand half of it; especially why he gives the weather in Alaska, which is a pogo stick hop from RUSSIA. However, it’s still entertaining, like when he once referred to a weather system as a “panhandle hooker.” Now that is art.

Part of the appeal, is Skilling’s passion. He is as friendly off screen, as he is on screen. But don’t think this is some PR snow job. Here are the dark secrets of Tom Skilling:

* Tom worked with a puppet in Milwaukee called “Albert the Alley Cat,” which was inflicted upon him by management. They had promised to phase him out, but it wasn’t a moment too soon for a young Tom Skilling.

“This was the day of weather gimmicks,” Skilling said. “People would knit [the puppet] outfits and while I was talking about dew points he would promote church bazaars and read the weather statistics.”

* Beneath the aw shucks Midwestern demeanor, he can be wickedly funny with his dark sense of humor.

* Despite his attention to detail, his office looks like Fred Sanford’s living room, with week-old tuna sandwiches, a giant pencil, and printouts of the dew point history for Minooka. He is a pack rat.

* Everyone at WGN knows that whenever Tom goes on his vacation, there is some kind of weather crisis: blizzard, thunderstorms, heatwave. I don’t have the records to prove it, but you can bet Tom Skilling does.

As local programming has become extinct, local newscasters have become more valuable to their managers. I am not sure if anyone cares about the accumulative snowfall for Februarys since the Bay of Pigs invasion, but one thing is clear -- he is the guy you want to invite into your living room for a cup of coffee -- and in this media saturated culture-- that’s worth a million.

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Jewish history has a long line of distinguished people: Moses, Albert Einstein; and Elvis?
Thursday marks the 30th anniversary of Elvis’s death and people are still exploring his influence and trying to emulating his talent.

According to Max Wallace and Jonathan Goldstein, the authors of “Schmelvis: In Search of Elvis Presley’s Jewish Roots,” Elvis grew up in a Jewish area of Memphis. He lived downstairs from a Rabbi, Alfred Fruchter. As a teenager, Elvis would often visit, and served as the “Shabbos Goy” who turned on lights, and other tasks that Jews were prohibited from doing on the Sabbath. The Presley’s would join them once a month for Sabbath dinner and he enjoyed Matzoh Ball soup. He even started carrying a yarmulke in his pocket.

“I remember when he cut his first record for his mother's birthday,” said the Rabbi’s widow. “When he got home with it, they couldn't play it because they were too poor to afford a record player. So my husband lent him ours. He was so thankful. They would play that first song over and over again. That's what started his career, you know, that recording."

This may be the environmental influence on Elvis’ “Jewishness” but there is more to the story. According to the book, Elvis Presley's maternal great-great-great-grandmother Nancy Burdine was Jewish, and probably came from a family that immigrated from Lithuania, probably around the time of the American Revolution.

The story of Elvis’ Jewish lineage was also reported in the 1985 biography, “Elvis and Gladys.” Elvis added a Jewish Star of David to his mom’s headstone, about ten years after she died. Throughout 1977 Elvis wore a "Chai" necklace. The "Chai" symbol is the Hebrew word for "Life." Maybe that was his problem---Elvis was bigger than life, and perhaps his addiction to pain-killers, women, and peanut-butter and banana sandwiches was rooted in something missing: a connection to something bigger than Elvis’ fame and fortune.

Wallace says Elvis’ dad, along with his manager Col. Tom Parker, encouraged Elvis to downplay his Jewish ancestry for fear of anti-Semitism in the south Elvis’ hairdresser and spiritual adviser, Larry Geller, reportedly told Wallace that if Elvis had understood that having a Jewish great-great-grandmother made him Jewish, “He would have become a full-fledged practicing Jew.”

I’d argue the point that you have to be part of some magical mysterious bloodline of antiquity to be Jewish. Judaism is a belief. If you believe, climb aboard. It’s not a country club where you can just gain admittance by knowing someone, or having some royal pedigree, or wearing a necklace with Jewish symbols. The concept of Tikkun Alum (“repair the world”) requires that you do something.

So what if Elvis had taken his “Jewishness” more seriously? We can only imagine how it might’ve impacted his life. Picture a jumpsuit with the rhinestones replaced by Stars of David. It’s JELVIS—The Jewish Elvis impersonator, featuring hits like “Don’t Step on My Blue Suede Yarmulke.”

Had Willard Morgan been accepted to Northwestern’s school of drama, he says he might’ve been playing O’Neill at the Goodman, instead of a Jewish Elvis at parties. Morgan says he’s not sure what it matters how Jewish Elvis was, but his music was definitely spiritual.

“My inspiration for the event and for doing an Elvis impersonation is that Elvis and his
music truly unite the world. In today's world, beyond religion and politics, there's only ...
Rock n Roll,” Morgan said. I believe there is 'divinity' in all of us. And it can be found in emulating a hero or high being, whomever it may be. For some , it's Jesus, Buddhah, Jehovah, or Allah. I'm really more of a Buddhist in the
sense that I think we can all experience a bit of grace within, in my case and for many millions, the grace of Elvis. His spirit is
a true 'uniter of people'. With either a snarling lip, a swiveling hip, a karate kick and 'thankyouveramuch' we're all Elvi.

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Barry Bonds is just a couple of swings away from achieving the most cherished record in baseball and simultaneously triggering its greatest controversy in decades. Should their be an asterisk next to Bonds' home run record? This debate, unlike most about sports statistics, is not just about the fodder for future trivia games. Baseball has endured as the American pastime because it has been fairly consistent. Even with futuristic video games, i-pods, and MTV-style editing, this game of 18 men patiently trying to hit a ball for three hours is still thriving in the 21st century.

So how should we approach this landmark event? I spoke with Ken Burns, the man who produced the critically acclaimed 18 ½ hour baseball documentary more than a decade ago. His new World War II documentary airs September 23rd, and then he’ll start working on his “Tenth Inning,” an update on baseball since he ended production on his nine-part documentary in 1992.

Burns says he hopes by looking at the past, we can learn more about the future, and understand complicated issues. Whether alcohol or gambling---sports has always struggled with scandal. Burns hopes to put it all in perspective.

Larry: You say we shouldn’t be so quick to judge Bonds---why?

Ken: We have to be careful to place all our puritan outrage in Bonds corner. Something’s been going on---his body has changed; there are investigations swirling. But I know he’s not the only one. Pitchers may be doing it. I don’t mean to excuse it. If one person isn’t doing it—then it’s unfair to them.

Larry:But isn’t it about breaking the rules?

Ken: This game is about deception. A curve ball and change-up are deceptive. We allow the stealing of bases and signs. It’s symptomatic of our self-involved age that someone would take hormones to enhance their phsyique.

Larry: So that’s not cheating?

Ken: Michael Jordan---the greatest basketball player ever----couldn’t hit two bucks in baseball and that ought to be a cautionary tale. You still have to see it and hit it---so I’m still petty impressed.

Larry: So how should Bonds be judged in baseball history?

Ken: My solution is Barry Bonds stop today and retire today. It would be good for Aaron, good for (baseball commissioner) Selig’s ulcer, and good for the fans. Bonds will go from a goat to greatest of all time for giving up his position. Of course, he’d never do that.

He should go into Hall of Fame without any of this around him. But it should serve as a cautionary tale for those faced with that question to cheat or not to cheat.

Larry: Do you think part of this Aaron-Bonds controversy is that Aaron was a good guy and Bonds has a reputation of being a jerk?

Ken: I think a lot about that. We’re always looking to simplify complex human affairs. It’s easy to make Hank into a god on a pedestal and we’re reminded of the “less than stellar” personality that Bonds has. I talked to people who said he was a jerk when his dad brought him around [as a kid.].

We don’t pay these guys to be sterling examples---that’s the old “field of dreams.” It’s always been a business and complicated and interesting characters. Half the Hall of Fame would disappear if you applied sanctimonious standards to great players of the past.

Larry: Why is any of this even important?

Ken: We need these anchors. It’s the strap in the subway that keeps you standing up. We live in such a changing life and we have this game that’s accompanied the history of our country. A .300 hitter means the same to my daughter as it does to me…there’s that continuity.

Burns says America is more sentimental about Baseball. Our experience is more personal. Stories about other sports always start with a famous plays, like a Montana touchdown or last-second Michael Jordan shot. But, baseball always begins with a story about seeing your first ball game with Dad, or simply playing catch with him.

It is part of our national consciousness. In a time when we have everything from poker on ESPN to professional rock paper scissor tournaments, baseball is still setting attendance records. While Willie Mays’ over-the-shoulder basket catch in the World Series had been held up as the pinnacle of web gems for decades, you can now see five such catches a night on Sportscenter. The players keep getting better---and hitting a baseball is still one of the hardest things to do in sports.

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The Simpsons writers tread, where few have dared to go. The Love Boat always had guest stars like Charo and Dick Van Patten, but the producers never booked God, who has appeared in several Simpson episodes.

It is the creators’ hallmark to take shots at institutions and it would be easy to mock faith, religion and church. But despite the jokes at religion’s expense, there is an underlying spiritual message that we could all learn from.

One of my favorites is where Homer skips church, using the excuses that many viewers use. (Does God care I’m in a building on Sunday?) While the congregation is listening to a boring sermon, in a freezing church, Homer is home watching football and, he even wins a radio contest. He declares it the best day of his life. Then, his cigar sets the house on fire. He is saved by his evangelical neighbor, Ned Flanders; the Hindu clerk Apu and the Jewish clown, Krusty.

“[It] could be seen as divine retribution for his apostasy,” writes philosopher Julian Baggini in a BBC interview. “But what actually led to the fire was not God's wrath but Homer's hubris and arrogance. Sitting on his sofa thinking smugly, ‘Boy, everyone is stupid except me,’ he falls asleep, dropping his cigar. Homer's mistake was to think that he has nothing left to learn from others.”

As much as The Simpson’s were deemed apostles of the devil by early critics, including President George Bush I, the Simpson’s say grace, and go to church, which is more than we ever saw from the Cleavers.

Bart asks Homer what religion the family follows.

He answers, “You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don’t work in real life. Uh, Christianity.”

“One way the Simpsons handle religion is to reflect our cultural context,” said Pastor Mike Daly of St. John United Church of Christ in Naperville. “We are able to see how modernity corrupts religious beliefs and practices. Mr. Burns says, “I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business,” suggesting complete allegiance to capitalism will give us a better chance at life.”

Sometimes, we identify more with the philosophical lessons of the modern Springfield Homer than the ancient Greek Homer. The former deals with everything from illegal cable TV hookup, to the temptation of committing adultery.

One of my favorite scenes is when Homer thanks God for his beautiful wife, two kids, and asks to keep everything as it is---perfect. He prays that if the Almighty agrees to keep everything exactly as it is, Homer won’t ask for anything more:

“Confirmation of the deal will come in the form of absolutely no sign. (pause)

There is no sign. In gratitude, I present an offering to God of cookies and milk. Should God want me to eat the cookies himself –show me no sign.”

After a pause, Homer utters the benediction, “Thy will be done.”

(As Homer might say---“sacrelicious.”)

Clearly Homer is confused by God’s nature.

“I feel this incredible surge of power---like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.”

But hey—who isn’t confused?

Even the experts are confounded to explain it. Reverend Lovejoy, in his preachy monotone: “People--I’m doing the best I can with the material I’m given.”

Mark Pinski has updated his popular book, The Gospel According to the Simpsons, in which he crystallizes more of these lessons about religious life.

LP: Have The Simpson's been able to accomplish something that organized religion or new age spirituality has not?

MP:Well, they haven't lost relevance, and they continue to appeal to a broad spectrum of Americans. That's no small accomplishment.

LP: Trinity, soul, the nature of God: theology can create confusion and controversy.

How has the show affected religion or how people believe?

MP: Whenever faith, spirituality or theology are discussed in a sanctuary or a lecture hall, a veil of skepticism often descends over [young people’s] brains. To some degree this is a good thing. But when they are sitting on their couches at home or in common rooms, watching an animated comedy, their minds may be open to such concepts. I think that this, too, is a good thing.

Homer probably isn’t that different from many of us. It’s somewhat refreshing in this day of political correctness, that what many people are thinking in the pews, Homer says out loud. The attitudes about religion may not always be pristine, but in this cartoon, they are very real.

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In recent months, I've written about some strange ideas

*The UFO congress, with its lecture on "How to talk to a ball of light."

*A numerologist who believes the letters in your name can offer insight into how to improve your life by tapping into vibrations in the nervous system.

* A ghost hunter who believed he could detect the sounds of spirits in a downtown Chicago Hooters.

Most of this stuff is pretty laughable -- but that is not what makes it invalid.

After all, they laughed at Copernicus, Galileo and Darwin, too, but those three scientists got it right.

Each year, respected scientists on the faculties of major universities gather to discuss ideas that seem silly. The Society for Scientific Exploration held its annual meeting last month at Michigan State University. According to their Web site, they talked about:

*A fourth dimension of space

* Tracking the mysterious (alleged) Qi "energy force" of the body

* And a "Global Consciousness Project," which has something to do with proving that the entire planet has a consciousness that can be measured through major world events.

This meeting of the minds could solve some of the mysteries of the universe. But unlike the UFO congress, numerologist and ghost hunter, these conventioneers are held to rigorous standards of scientific evidence. The conference is a chance for scientists to put their ideas about a "wild theory" to scientific tests and the scientific scrutiny of their peers.

Roy Machal, a retired professor from the University of Chicago, has spoken at seminars during past conventions. In his presentations, he insists the Loch Ness Monster is real. He wrote a book "The Monsters of Loch Ness" in 1975. He says these animals are found in many lakes in the Northern Hemisphere.

"These animals are primitive whales, known from the fossil record known as zeuglodon cetoides. It ended approximately 19 to 20 million years ago, but is preserved at the Smithsonian They are NOT monsters, but perfectly normal animals that have survived over 75 million years," Mackal told me. "I worked in Lake Champlain two months ago and made contact with one of the animals on sonar, 45 feet in length."

But at this point, the evidence has been circumstantial. Nobody had a carcass or a skeleton to examine.

Forensic investigator, Steve Alten of Ohio, believes Nessie is a giant sea eel and he's making a documentary on the Loch Ness. He says that in March of 2005, two students from Wisconsin found a half-eaten deer carcass and a four-inch barbed palate tooth of a water predator that attacked it at Loch Ness.

But wait a minute, If the eel has to come out of the loch to hunt, wouldn't we have more sightings? I'm no scientist, so I'll leave the verdict to the experts.

"During the 26 years that the SSE has been in existence, none of the anomalous phenomena under study has made a transition from "fringe science" to mainstream science," said Marty Cawthon of the SSE. "That such research goes on with mostly ambiguous and unconvincing results is a form of progress," she claims.

Why is so much failure progress? Albert Einstein said that in his scientific pursuits, imagination was more important than knowledge. The attendees at the fringe scientist seminar seem to have a wonderful imagination, and it is important that they have an outlet to push the limits, but in a responsible way.

Copernicus and Darwin were on their own; two "wild and crazy ideas" separated by 300 years. It will be fun to see the next wild and crazy idea that turns out to be right, and that solves another mystery of the universe.

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My daughter, Kaylin, turns 3 tomorrow. One thing is for sure, children make you see the world a lot differently.

For example, the impact of watching TV. Some have suggested over the years

that the Teletubbies' Tinky Winky is gay because the purple character

carries a woman's purse. I'll reserve judgment on Tinky Winky's impact on

children, but the issue is certainly more complex, and yet more subtle than when I was a

kid watching Bugs Bunny drop anvils on Elmer Fudd. (And to this day I have

yet to drop an anvil on anyone.)

However I am sensitive to my daughter's TV viewing. When Cookie Monster

yells "Me so hungry!" I think, "Hey, that's horrible grammar!" Here are a

few other things I've noticed as a parent.

>> We now have 52 stuffed animals. I don't know what that means for the

number of dust mites; but I do know that she 80 percent of the various

dogs, bears and dolls are named Elmo in her mind.

>> The chances of a child letting go of her mylar balloon and the balloon

getting tangled in the ceiling fan that is six inches higher than the

tallest person on the tallest ladder is 98 percent. The advice here is to

tie all balloons to a stuffed animal. If the balloon gets away, that's one

stuffed dinosaur and 10 million dust mites along for the ride.

>>Don't stifle creativity by questioning logic. Her favorite game is "Daddy

impersonates Goofy acting like a dinosaur, with a horse hand-puppet and

wearing a pointy purple birthday hat." It all makes sense. H.R.

Puff-N-Stuff would be proud of the randomness.

>> Flossing is important. But using the string from a helium balloon that's

tied to the high-chair is considered bad table manners by some.

>> Children are smarter than we give them credit for. A visit from the

Easter Bunny would be a cherished memory, in theory; unless the Easter

Bunny is 6-foot-3. I have to say I'm quite proud of her for thinking

that's nuts and running for cover.

>> I admire her optimism. Kaylin tried to eat fried rice using one

chopstick, when most adults have difficulty eating it with two.

>>She insists on hearing stories about the Australian super-group The

Wiggles. The Wiggles go to the zoo; Wiggles play soccer; Wiggles go to the

store to buy a stick of butter. Yes, at some point, the well of ideas runs

dry, but you realize kids just want a little quantity time with their

quality time.

> She was quite amazed upon seeing her first rainbow, but perplexed that it

was not there the next day or the next. I explained that the rainbow may

not always be there, but her parents would be.

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The folks at Red Eye did not print this column. They said Red Eye readers were not interested in history. For those of you who are....enjoy.
***

The upcoming Fourth of July celebration is as much a tribute to George Washington as it is to our independence.
Washington was hailed as a hero for his courage in battle, and even considered divine by some. But the question remained---would he be as courageous as a leader of a nation? This is where many turned on Washington. Here's the political battle that you never got to in your high school history class....and it is one that features storylines, parallel to the ones in today's headlines from the nation's capitol that bears his name.

What many people don’t realize is that by the end of his life, many people despised Washington. Just ten years from the end of the Revolution, war veterans were toasting to his speedy death. Why? There were some who wanted another war with Britain, to evict them from the new frontier (now the Midwest) where the Brits were teaming up with certain Native American tribes to attack settlers.

Washington knew his young nation was not ready to fight a sequel against the Red Coats, and wanted to cut a deal known as the Jay Treaty. The terms were very favorable to the British and Washington wanted to keep it secret . according to the book Presidential Courage, by presidential historian Michael Beschloss.

“ A lot of Americans found that treaty humiliating and they said they wanted Washington dead or impeached,” Beschloss said. “ But what Washington was trying to say of later presidents is, 'Your job is just not to be popular. You've got to make tough decisions the same as I do.'”

Word of the treaty leaked and people protested everywhere. When Alexander Hamilton tried to defend the treaty in front of New York City Hall, people threw rocks at him and bloodied his face.

Beschloss quotes Washington:

Washington found it embarrassing for Britain “to see the people of this country divided” with such “violent opposition” to “their own government.”

The showdown in Congress came in 1796. John Adams predicted that both sides would “bite like savages and tear like lions.”

And then, a Federalist named Fisher Ames would change history. He had been very sick, and presumed near death. People gasped as he limped onto the House floor. Without notes, he delivered a speech that has become one of the most powerful in American history. He acknowledged that this bit of diplomacy was far from perfect, but better than the alternative.

“You are a father? The blood of your sons shall fatten your cornfield! You are a mother? The war-whoop shall make the sleep of the cradle! While one hand is held up to reject this treaty, the other grasps a tomahawk…I listen to the yells of savage vengeance and the shrieks of torture.”

90 minutes later, he fell back in his chair. Both sides weeped.

(Beschloss notes that one Congressman told Ames he should’ve ended his speech by dropping dead. Never again would he have ‘an occasion so glorious.’ )

The House voted. It was a 49-49 tie. The tiebreaker would be Republican Frederick Mulenberg, a pastor from Pennsylvania. Republican opponents of the Jay treaty could taste victory. But Muhlenberg shocked everyone by supporting the Federalist treaty. He committed political suicide (and his brother-in-law nearly killed him when he stabbed him after the vote.)

Washington’s political courage paid off, and perhaps inspired lesser-known representatives to show courage as well.

“The old man had the thankless job of dispelling many Americans’ illusions that they had the strength to stand up to the British once again,” Beschloss wrote. “Like a prophet, he warned that the country must not prematurely embarrass itself in war.”

This is what made the founding fathers great---not simply spewing patriotic quotes to polish their image, but through their wisdom, they were able to persuade the masses that certain sacrifices would be better for all of us, in the long run.

It seems today, there is a vaccum of vision. Politicians can’t make a decision without consulting polls. Politicians want to be loved, and more importantly, reelected. But, in time, their names will be lost for the ages, and history will secure only those whose courage defends their convictions to advance America’s story of freedom and liberty.

Continue reading "WASHINGTON'S POLITICAL COURAGE" »

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Popes, presidents and other powerful people are surrounded by the finest trappings as they make important decisions that affect our lives. So we tend to think they live in a world much different than ours--more holy, more pristine, more worthy.

After all, no one is going to write a book about you or me. However, Karl Shaw’s book, "5 People Who Died During Sex: and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists," lets you peek into the lives of the world’s greatest rulers, inventors and artists. Their bizarre behavior might make you and your dysfunctional family seem almost normal.

Shaw is a journalist-turned-freelance author who has written other books on history. This book contains dozens of lists, from "12 Celebrity Celibates" to "History’s 10 Least Appealing Dinner Dates." Here are some of my own lists, gleaned from Shaw’s book.

5 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT HITLER

> Who knows what made him tick, but we do learn that Hitler (like Napoleon and Mussolini) was afraid of cats.

> Hitler became a vegetarian in 1931 when his doctors put him on a meatless diet to cure him of flatulence and a chronic stomach disorder.

> He once tried to cure his chronic flatulence by drinking machine-gun oil

> The fuhrer suffered impaired virility, so his physician injected him with a compound containing hormones from crushed animal genitalia.

> His trusted commander, Erwin Rommel, decided on the eve of D-Day that it was so quiet he might as well go home and celebrate his wife’s birthday. As the allies closed in on his bunker, Hitler married Eva Braun, and the next day they celebrated the honeymoon by swallowing poison. That's the beginning of the end for the Nazis, Hitler's romance, and his flatulence.

4 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT THE CHURCH

> Pope Alexander VI (1492-1503) had 10 illegitimate children.

> Pope John XII was bludgeoned to death in 964 with a hammer by an irate husband who caught His Holiness in bed with his wife.

> In 1100, the Dominican Church advised women to spit three times into the mouth of a frog, or to eat bees, immediately after intercourse to prevent conception.

> Some of the causes of the Black Death, according to the Church, included Jews poisoning the wells, going to the theater and olive oil.

3 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL SEX

> JFK enlisted staff to help organize nude swimming parties in the presidential pool.

> Lydon B. Johnson was aggrieved that JFK’s reputation as a stud was greater than his and reportedly complained to friends, "I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose."

> Grover Cleveland ignored his staff’s advice and admitted to fathering an illegitimate son. His enemies circulated a leaflet accusing him of bestiality and wife-beating, but he was re-elected with a healthy majority.

This book isn’t going to give you the perspective of a typical biography. You are not, for example, going to learn how a young Albert Einstein, who was slow to speak, became the great genius of the 20th Century.

However, this catalog of factoids may change your perspective on people of power.

Some seem more human, others are less deserving of that description. It shows that wearing a crown, or getting one’s name in a history book, is no true measure of greatness.

Posted by Larry Potash at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

These days it is not unusual to see a tornado through your windshield, or a dinosaur in your rear view mirror. On the big screen, we hardly give it a second thought---we have become so immune to computer generated graphics in our movies. But in 1977, when rebel lasers first blew up Imperial Fighters and lit the darkness of space with explosions, the spectacle stunned children and adults alike. As a death star was destroyed, a Jedi culture was born.

Today marks the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, which means many of those young “American-Jedi” are in the late 30’s and 40’s. Cris Macht of Gilberts Illinois debuts his documentary on Star Wars fans, titled: The Force Among Us. The DVD is available starting today at www.theforceamongus.com.

In it, he introduces several fans, including:

*For a Jedi couple, family planning means deciding whether "little Luke" will watch the three prequels before the original three films.

*Another man said he was able to fulfill his childhood dream when he joined an organization where everyone dresses as Darth Vader’s stormtroopers.

*A woman thinks about making the revealing chain-link Princess Leia slave costume to wear for her husband on their anniversary.

“It’d be hard to hide making it for him. It might backfire—he might want me to wear it all the time.”

But while the fans like the ones previously mentioned are included, Macht's goal was to break the stereotypes of the geeky and anti-social Star Wars fans, who often show up to premiers dressed as Darth Vader or Yoda.

The film is intensely personal to Macht. His dad passed away in 1982, and at age 7, Cris was the head of the household, which included his younger brother and sister. He says he had to grow up fast, and he felt like he missed much of his childhood. Then, he rediscovered Star Wars and started watching it differently.

“I wanted to go back to a better time—to childhood. [Star Wars] was like a time machine. I started watching the movie deeper,” Macht said.

He particularly identified with the storyline about Luke, and trying to know his father.

“These films can be used as a tool to get through the hard times that life throws you,” Macht said. “They show you that there is a new hope for tomorrow.”

One parent in the documentary explains how Star Wars films and action figures finally got his autistic son to “come out of his shell.” Finally, father and son had something fun they could do together.

John Tenuto, Professor of Sociology of the College of Lake County, conducted a study on Star Wars stereotypes and is featured in the film. He says part of the popularity, is the timing.

“They came out after Vietnam and Watergate, when there was a lot of confusion about heroes. The first three were basic: good was good; bad was bad. People needed that,” Tenuto said. “The newer films speak to that issue but it’s more complex. The evil guy is ‘understandably’ evil.

Tenuto says like any art, it fulfills a need. One fan in the documentary said the Star Wars storyline fulfilled a need for ethical guidance.

“I grew up in a rough family situation. Star Wars gave me values as a kid that I didn’t get from my parents. I learned about good and evil from Star Wars.”

“Star Wars is safer. In a diverse society, how do you speak to a Catholic and a Protestant?” Tenuto said. “Science Fiction is better at talking about social issues and current events because the audience has so much baggage. [In science fiction] it’s in a place far away. There’s this fairy tale element.”

News clips of popcorn-eating Yodas are always good for a laugh, but The Force Among Us shows there’s more to these fans underneath the rubber mask.

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This week I turned 40. You get lots of questions like “How does it feel?” And the more disturbing, “Are you okay?”

The answer is, “I feel fine.”

But those are not the right questions. The questions are: Is this what I thought it would be? And “What do I do now?”

In 1977, when I was in third grade, we had to write essays about what it would be like in 1999. I wrote about flying cars, and about my career playing in the NBA; I’m not sure which fantasy was more unrealistic.

It seemed so far away---another world. I remember doing the calculation of how old I’d be in 1999----32. It wasn’t even clear what that number meant, when even your 24 year old teacher seems old.

I remember watching Carl Yastremski on TV---the all-star veteran of the Boston Red Sox. You could tell he was the old man among boys in the dugout. When he stood at the plate, he bent his front knee and leaned over, like he had a bad back and was about to fall over. Wow is this guy an old-timer! He was 38.

Little did I know how enjoyable it would be to turn 40. In our teens, we are obsessed with wearing the right jeans, and what everyone is saying about us. In our 20’s, we are enjoying the singles scene. After ten years of failed romance, we enter our 30’s, hopefully trying to figure out what we have been doing wrong all this time, to finally set a course for success in business and personal life.

“At twenty years of age, the will reigns. At thirty, the wit. At forty, I was sure of myself,” said Benjamin Franklin, who did not begin his electrical experiments until he was 40.

So there is still much to do. Plenty of time to start a golfball washing business, invent a glow-in-the-dark egg-beater, visit Luxemborg, write a book (or for some, read a book) or maybe even mentor someone who has lost their way.

For anyone about 40 and above, hopefully we feel like it’s a turning point---that we understand what is important. Hopefully, we have outgrown the narcissism and materialism of youth. We can end all those toxic acquaintances and stop networking with people who take more and give less. By now, we should learn to develop a sense of self-sacrifice in our relationships, and teach that wisdom to our children from the beginning, and grow old with friends you can rely on.

I have had the same group of friends since about first grade. We recently went on a guys trip---something you take for granted when you’re 22, but not today. We collectively have 14 children. A 40th birthday getaway isn’t about how many shots you knock down, or how many foosball games you win….it’s about being with people who remember what you cried about when you were 6, and that girl who dumped you when you were 16. Around these people, there is no show to perform, or image to maintain---refreshing change from the insecurities of youth.

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Gossip has entered a new age, where scandal spreads faster than you can call your PR fixer. Alec Baldwin recently learned this the hard way, when he called his 11-year-old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig" in a voice message, and that message ended up all over the Internet, radio and TV

You can spin it, smack it, rub it down, and wrap it in pretty pink paper--there is no amount of manipulation that will make Baldwin’s rant any more tolerable.

When it comes to celebrities, there is a strong attraction to watching a star tarnish. As Aaron Spelling once noted, "Gossip is about rich people having problems money can’t solve."

Perhaps this is the upside of celebrity gossip: It can give us a more balanced glimpse of the celebrity world, and deflate the unhealthy fantasy that stars are perfect people and that we are failing miserably to emulate them.

The problem is, distributors of celebrity gossip, such as celebrity magazines, are manipulated by publicists to spoon-feed sugar-coated happy-news. All that fluff will make your brain soft and jiggly.

A better way to get an injection of celebrity scoop is to get it from a guy in the trenches. Michael Musto of the Village Voice seems to have as much fun siphoning off the secrets as he does spilling them in his creative style.

Here’s what Musto wrote about Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic remarks and DUI arrest:

"The resulting photo is reminiscent of that last image of Norman Bates in ‘Psycho,’ where he’s eerily grinning in the police station, with the corpse’s teeth superimposed on him, as you hear his alter ego think ‘I wouldn’t hurt a Jew,’ I mean ‘fly.’ I had no idea that an open bar is all it takes to turn Mother Teresa into a hair-plugged Hitler."
"I do adore the chance to bring celebs down a peg when they deserve it and conveniently enough, they do," he writes in his new book, "La Dolce Musto." "As one of the first gossip snarksters of the modern age, I learned to perform a delicate tight wire act whereby I’m devilishly nasty and dubious, but not so much so that they cut me off the guest list."

Musto is not one of those journalists who lines up with the pack like a cattle call to wait his turn to interview movie stars at the movie studio’s "media day." He’s at the parties with Madonna, and high tea with James Woods.

"That’s where I get my better stuff. (laughs) When celebrities have a couple cocktails and you catch them without their bodyguards, their entourage or their publicist," Musto said. Gossip is sometimes fact, sometimes fiction, and often a blend of the two, which is what makes it so dangerous and salacious.

As celebrities and their publicists continue to use gossip to spin a tale of fame, fortune and romance, it’s good to know that with the Internet, and freethinkers like Musto, we can gain a more balanced perspective without the sanitized story from the spin doctors.

Some moral leaders suggest that the person who hears gossip may be as sinful as the person who dishes it. Let’s not be naive-- gossip does have its role in society. Keeping your ear open to the pipeline of information, for instance, can at least help you prepare for an impending round of job cuts.

But therein lies the trap. Gossip is its own currency, you have to give some to get some. In the process, it often tailspins into the gutter.

I take no joy in knowing Alec Baldwin is a lousy parent. But a little inside scoop can enlighten us to find worthy people to admire, or create a fantasy that’s more down to earth.

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Tree-hugging has always been associated as a liberal cause, but I don’t see the melting of the planet, whether it is global warming, or nuclear radiation, as a partisan political issue. Earth Day is a reminder that, in principle, it is an issue of survival for all life forms---yes, even Lush Limbaugh and Al Franken.

Still, in a partisan world, environmentalists need to grab the attention of the conservative, and the apathetic, by adding a new sex appeal to their mission. MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” was the liberal protest slogan of Vietnam; the philosophy is making a comeback. This time, instead of wasted hippies protesting, we have a protest about wasting resources—energy, trees, minerals, etc. LSD hallucinations of the 60's have been replaced with harmless hemp tube-tops that would even catch Pat Buchanan's eye.

Greenpeace even has a list of strategies for environmentally-friendly sex. It’s called "getting it on for the good of the planet---you can be a bomb in bed, without nuking the planet." Their tips include things you should do and things you shouldn’t.

>> Turn her on, when you turn the lights off. It’s romantic and it promotes efficient energy use--yeah baby!

>> Oysters and other shellfish can be aphrodisiacs but, according to Greenpeace, all the plundering for pleasure is destroying the ocean. Greenpeace advises you grab a fruit drink instead from community-based operations from the Amazon rainforest. Another environmental site suggests horny goat weed. ( I’ll stick with the melon smoothie.)

>> A roll in the shrubs can put the spark in your love life, unless of course, your bare bottom is sliding in weed killer, so make the switch to natural fertilizers.

Sites like www.treehugger.com advise on how to "shop green" to put the romance back in your life and pleasure back into the planet. Here’s what you can buy:

>> a soy massage candle--the soothing smell of pure protein

>> eco-undies--underwear that’s fun to wear year after year after year. (Men ask: "What’s new about that?’)

>> bamboo bed sheets--supposedly more comfortable than they sound, but I can’t stop thinking that it sounds like something Thurston and Lovie Howell would’ve used in the privacy of their own hut, which is somewhat of a turn-off.

There are so many causes out there, this kind of creativity is what it takes to cut through the clutter of communication.

Another tactic: Get them while they’re young. Did you know there’s an environmental superhero? "Captain Planet and the Planeteers" is on every day in some parts of the country on Boomerang (subsidiary of the Cartoon Network.)

It was a Ted Turner project that first aired on TBS in 1990-- which might explain why Captain Planet has a mullet—but its goal was to reach children with the slogan "The Power is Yours!"

The Planeteers, featuring the voices of people like Ed Asner, Whoopie Goldberg, and Sting, use the powers of the environment (earth, wind, fire, water and "heart" ) to battle villains like Looten Plunder. The bad guys aren’t stealing mojo, they’re clear-cutting forests!

You can still enjoy Captain Planet on the Captain Planet Foundation Web site (http://captainplanetfdn.org ).

So what can we mere humans do to weed out all the "takers"?

Well, if your date pulls up in a Hummer, you could turn off the porch light off and sneak out the back. You could take a stroll to the farmers market and find someone wearing recyclable sandals and buying fair trade clothing from sewing cooperatives in Bolivia. Or perhaps your new found environmental sex appeal could convert that wasteful heathen with the Hummer into an eco-lover

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Tomorrow marks the 142nd anniversary of the assassination of President Lincoln but perhaps he's not really dead at all. A new book suggests he could be sitting next to you right now; maybe he's doing magic tricks in Vegas (great top hat for pulling rabbits) or frothing cream for a mochachino at Coffee Hut. Richard Salva has explored the "journey of Lincoln's reincarnated soul. He set out to test the hypothesis of a Himalayan yogi 50 years ago, who claimed Lincoln had been an advanced yogi in a past life. Here are some of the "yogic connections" he found:

*Lincoln's public objections to church doctrines paraphrased yoga's deeper teachings.

*Lincoln's prophetic dreams that he would ascend to a high office, then fall to his doom, including a White House funeral.

*Lincoln was a meditator. "His wife once whacked him with a piece of wood after he had gone so deep within he hadn't heard her speaking."

But the journey of Lincoln’s soul doesn’t stop there. Salva claims he was reincarnated as the famous aviator Charles Lindbergh. I have done a story or two about reincarnation and “past life regression” and mostly people have claimed to be princesses or warriors in their previous lives. Nobody was ever a rag salesman or the town leper.

What is different here, is that we are dealing with a couple of famous people who have led well-documented lives. This allows Salva to make his case, by outlining hundreds of remarkable similarities (or ordinary coincidences) in the book “Soul Journey; from Lincoln to Lindbergh.”

Let’s look at the surface-level connections:

*Both had deep set, bluish grey eyes. (Hey I have deep set bluish grey eyes! Hmmm.)

*Lincoln was born in Kentucky. Lindbergh, in Michigan---but “southern” Michigan. (ah, I don’t get it either. It’s 415 miles from Hodgenville to Detroit.)

*Lindbergh’s middle name is Augustus---the name of an Emperor, “significant when we consider that Lincoln was a president.”

OK don’t turn the page of your newspaper just yet. It gets better (or funnier.)

Both had frustrations with Washington, and women.

Both were good shots with a gun, and both enjoyed a practical joke.

The similarities range from the deeply serious (both had sons who died) to the trivial (they both had oval driveways at one time in their lives.)

Much of this is fascinating reading for history buffs. Also, it may offer solace for people hoping to evade death forever, and perhaps ultimately fulfill their dream of returning a kickoff a Soldier Field for a touchdown, instead of just delivering reports to the eighth floor. However, it raises some troubling questions about nature, theology, and our identity.

Why should I be saddled with the baggage of a previous life? And if I am, and I am not aware of it (as I am not) then what good is that? How can anyone be sure of the connection?

“One life isn't long enough to learn from all our past actions. It takes time for things to catch up, and they have to catch up several times before we learn from them,” Salva said. “You may not remember the challenges of your past lives, but you remember, deep inside, what you learned from them.”

If my very being is driven by a previous life, are my physical, and personality traits that are remarkably similar to my parents just a coincidence? (Are they a coincidence for my sister too?)

Also—what’s the endgame? Being with the great spirit? Is that better than eating ice cream, playing football, and raising your children?

“If you keep reincarnating, you begin to have this sense of anguishing monotony. It's always the same old thing - birth, childhood, puberty, worries about bills, and old age. The joys are so fleeting and imperfect. People who realize this get interested in "being with the great spirit" pretty quick.”

What would Illinois’ favorite son say about all this reincarnation? I find the answer in a famous Lincoln quote:

"For people who like that sort of thing, that is about the sort of thing they would like.”

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A good Friday would be a great Friday if we could put the ‘holy’ back in the Holy Land. It is also the middle of the Passover season, and yet there seems to be no escape from the stalemate between Israel and the Palestinians, one that impacts the entire Middle East as well as the United States.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice just returned from the Mideast in hopes of bringing the two sides together. While diplomats in finely tailored suits argue about borders, broken promises, who did what to whom, maybe Rice could get everyone’s attention with a well-executed joke.

Hey--is that a Hezbollah rocket in your pants or are you just happy to see us?

What? I’m not kidding. Short of dragging Mahmoud Abbas and Edhud Olmert to a strip club and getting farshikkert, I don’t see much chance of getting anyone to open up.

But perhaps Chicagoans Ray Hanania and Aaron Freeman can. They are doing the modern day version of McCartney and Wonder's 1982 number-one single, “Ebony & Ivory.” Hanania is Arab. Freeman is Jewish. They’re living together “in perfect harmony” albeit on the “west bank” of Lake Michigan. They recently performed their stand-up comedy tour together in Israel.

“I am the Condi Rice of comedy,” Freeman said. “We want to resolve the conflict in six shows, and on the seventh show, we will rest.”

I imagine this little comedy tour could be counter-productive for the movement, if not dangerous for Hanania and Freeman. Judging by the video clips on the news, the descendants of the sons of Abraham don’t seem to have much of a sense of humor these days.

FREEMAN: “The [Jews and Arabs] will be laughing and angry at the same time. I think we are genuinely funny enough to overcome the animosity

HANANIA: ”What’s really cool about this is that you put the [Jews] and Palestinians on the same stage. Putting a Palestinian and a Jew in the same room? We really just want to argue about hummus and tabouli. We invented it—you stole it.”

FREEMAN: [“The Jews] look at Ray and wonder if this is somebody they are going to be afraid of; they look at me and they say ‘Is it going to be OK?’”

HANANIA: “The first five rows are usually empty. Everyone sits in the back when I’m on stage.”

FREEMAN: “We are the people that make the change that you want to see in the world. When you want to be ‘the change,’ you are not only having a good time, you are making money. That’s what everybody wants. It’s funny, because Ray actually owns property in Israel. But, I can come and take it over any time.”

HANANIA: “I keep using him to come see my property.”

FREEMAN: That’s the only chance he has! And, I was born in Kankakee!”

It will take creativity to bring Peace to the middle east. I remember hearing Ellie Weisel offer his ideas. One was to get all the leaders in a room and just talk about their favorite books. Another idea was to do an exchange program where Jewish teachers would mentor Palestinian children and Palestinian teachers would spend time with Jewish kids. The bottom line---both sides need to do more than sacrifice chips at a bargaining table; they need to give of themselves. Perhaps only then will each side begin to empathize with the other’s pain.

Hanania has seen this strategy work first hand. He married a woman who is Jewish.

“She thinks I am Puerto Rican.”

I am not sure if Condi Rice is funny but perhaps Hanania and Freeman would give this professional advice to her and her Israeli and Palestinian negotiators. Before taking a seat at the bargaining table, a little self-deprication might go a long way in breaking down barriers that impede accords and cease-fires.

“Nobody is offended if they are laughing,” Freeman said. “If we can laugh together, we can live together.”

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There is no shortage of Cubs guidebooks. There are reference books that will tally the Cubs wild pitches, blown saves, and men left-on-base; there are others that catalogue the best spots to chug beer and ogle women. But how about one to find happiness? In “The Cubs Fan’s Guide to Happiness,” George Ellis, a 29 year old copywriter for Leo Burnett and longtime Cubs fan, gets philosophical.

If believers of a Cubs curse can have so much faith in a goat manipulating the forces of the baseball universe, based on a hex from a Greek man whose expertise is grilling raw meat, than perhaps Cubs fans can find solace in another Greek—Aristotle. He said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

For Cubs and Cubs fans, that means losing. Does that make us losers? Let’s do what the philosophers do and consider the arguments.

Ellis would turn to Scottish philosopher David Hume to counter Aristotle’s argument that failing makes us failures.

He writes: David Hume thought it erroneous to assume that since something has always happened the same way that it will continue to do so. Just because the sun has risen every day since the beginning of the earth, it doesn’t necessarily follow that it will rise again tomorrow. There’s simply no definitive proof.

First of all, if the sun fails to come up tomorrow, middle-relief will be the least of our problems. But what Hume might argue, is that just because the Cubs have had a bad century doesn’t mean the Cubs won’t go 162-0. The future is not bound to the past.

OK sure, but you have to consider the degree of probability. Einstein said “God doesn’t roll dice.” Meaning that if Jim Hendry drafted 9 guys from the Chicago School of Massage, the forces of nature would not be with the Cubs.

Where we’d both agree is that reflecting on data from previous years, as baseball broadcast producers love to do, is useless. What Leo Durocher did not do in 1967, or what Tinker, Evers and chance did do in 1908 has absolutely, positively nothing to do with Kerry Wood or Lou Pinella.

Hume offers relief in endorsing Ellis’ optimism: The TANY philosophy---There’s Always Next Year. It’s healthy---not just for Cubs fan but for everyone. Acknowledging that you always have another 162 games, or another day to fix your own personal miscues, gives us hope that things can always be better (assuming the sun does rise again tomorrow. )

“Okay, it sounds silly, but I've found that the more I joke about the "There's Always Next Year" philosophy, the more I start to believe it,” Ellis said. “It's about not getting down on yourself after one failure, because there really is no reason you can't be successful next time. Unless you're a total loser, of course.”

In the meantime, there’s always beer. Plato said “He was a wise man who invented beer.”

Ellis’ next philosophical mantra is Beer Will Make it Better.” Well, it won’t make anyone play better, unless we put a keg in the Cards dugout and then maybe the Cubs would look good by comparison. More realistically, it just might numb our pain---although if you’re drinking Old Style, it may take 18 beers.

A more responsible reading might be that beer is just part of the fun, and that is not a trivial thing.

Ellis notes that French existentialist author Albert Camus that it’s the process that gives meaning. Afterall, you win the World Series, and you feel good—there’s a parade---you buy a t-shirt---and then you know what? It’s back to work. So in the end, enjoy the process of cheering, drinking, crying, drinking, and making new friends at the friendly confines.

Which brings us back to the Greeks to find meaning in all this.

“Happiness is something final and complete in itself,” Aristotle said. “As being the aim and end of all practical activities.”

For Cubs fans, baseball is a religion. Faith brings them back. For the secular, happiness is the aim of life, which is found in the optimism of spring, the sounds and smells of Wrigley in the summer, and in the fall, the consolation that Cubs convention is only a few months away.

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Men-pigs? Insecure Hussies. Exorcising your romantic baggage? They sound like episodes of Dr. Phil, but they could just as easily be the titles of sermons by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, and certainly not sermons you'd snore through. I'm pretty sure you won't find topless co-eds in Leviticus, but Rabbi Shmuley tackles these problems from a different pulpit: "Shalom in the Home" on TLC at 6 p.m. Sundays.

He believes it's important that clergy talk about more than just faith and charity. On his TLC show, he tackles family problems, which includes everything from parenting to love to relationships. Shmuley's qualifications as a relationship expert also include authoring several books, including "Kosher Sex" and "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments."

Judaism has a long tradition of seeking answers to life's small questions, from marriage to child-rearing; and when you get right down to it, the lessons transcend religious affiliation.

Take marriage, for example. Why do people seem to be drifting apart? His advice on avoiding this fate may surprise you. He suggests that compatibility is overrated. Instead of looking at someone's background, look at their destination and find someone who shares your goals. If you do this, you will not have to wait until you are in your mid-30s to find true love.

But, before you do that, you must end the addiction to serial dating.

"So many people go through relationships and they're haunted by all these people who preceded them in the relationship," Shmuley said. "You gotta come fresh as if it was the first time. I believe that mental virginity is a lot more important than physical virginity." He suggests finding someone at a young age and growing together.

Instead of investing time, auditioning potential spouses (or worse, dating for entertainment) people also should be looking for character. It is the foundation for a successful commitment. Ask yourself: Does this person have my best interest, first?

Which brings us back to an even more important question: How should men and women behave? The bottom line, according to Shmuley, is that women are "self-loathing" and men are "pigs."

Why are men pigs? Because women allow them to be. Shmuley believes women don't make men earn their love. For example, he sites a stroll along the boardwalk last weekend in Miami, where he saw thousands of young women strutting around men in bikinis--half of the women were topless.

"Already at that age, these women are training themselves to just be so available to men. What incentive is there for a man to be a gentlemen? None. And then women wonder 'dang, why can't I find a nice guy to date?'" Shmuley said. "Women have become very insecure and I think one of the reasons is that there's so much emphasis today on looks. I mean, there is no group in America that hates themselves as much as women do."

Shmuley says women need to hold men to a higher standard.

["Men] don't know how to love a woman, they don't know how to focus on a woman, because it's so easy to get a woman. They don't even have to change themselves. They don't have to earn a woman. They just get her."

Lighting shabbos candles or saying a prayer may give you peace of mind, but those rituals won't cause the answers to magically appear in your head. That's where a rabbi, or "teacher," can be helpful by tapping into the experience of others who have come before you.

While Moses never had to deal with low-cut jeans or Internet porn, wise men have invested a great deal of time reflecting on how to get along with their fellow man.

"The healthiest people -- physically and mentally - are those who have a purpose-oriented life. Those who are encumbered by their own selfishness, their own narcissism, their own focus on self, they end up getting crushed by the weight of their own existence

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Once the St. Patrick’s liquid feast wears off, you may find you don’t feel so good, and that the person you met the night before doesn’t look as good the morning after.

Ideally, the goal of dating is settling down with someone, not settling for someone.

That might be the biggest obstacle of dating--the perception of a perfect Mr. or Miss Right. People have faults. But which ones can you live with, and which can’t you live without?

Brian Wolf, 30, of Chicago acknowledges all of this on the Web site he started last June, www.settleforbrian.com. Wolf says he started the site because his friends said he needed to find a good woman—and he didn’t do so well on other dating sites. He also was tired of all the perfect pictures posted on Internet dating profiles.

"It’s usually the best picture they can find. That’s not dishonest, but it is setting the other person up for disappointment. And that’s really what my site is about: putting both the good and the bad about me out there so that there’s no nasty surprises," Wolf said. "So if you are settling for me, you are settling for the bad and the good. [I thought it would be] a fun idea to tell the truth from the get go. It caught on."

OK, ladies. Here are Brian’s attractive attributes as well as his self-deprecating confessions:

BRIAN’S CONS

Sense of humor: "I once Saran wrapped a co-worker’s car for April Fool’s Day."
This impressive resume has earned him six dates since the site went up in June. Only one was moderately successful, but it was long distance so it fizzled at four months. His experiment attracted some media coverage, including in a September RedEye cover story.

"I get a lot of e-mails from people who say, ‘I am not interested in dating you, but it brought a smile to [my] face.’ I wish everybody was honest this way."

I brought in an expert to view Wolf’s profile. Dr. Jon Carlson is a psychologist at Governor’s State University.

"I was turned off at first by the opening picture, but as I read on he became more real and likeable. Women probably believe that since he has a big nose, etc. he will be tolerant of their defects," Carlson said. "Honesty is very important in a successful relationship. Brian is sharing things that a potential partner will find out soon enough."

But Carlson also notes, in his syndicated "advice cartoon" with cartoonist Joe Martin (of "Mr. Boffo" fame) this week, that a little mystery is OK. The cartoon shows a man being interrogated by police.

Cop: "Are you keeping any secrets from us?"

The caption: Somehow my wife can always tell when I’m lying. Shouldn’t a person be allowed to have some secrets?
I think there is a fine line between honesty and mystery. Both fuel the chemistry of a stable but exciting relationship. I wonder if Wolf has crossed the line into being a little too forthcoming.

The issues of religion/children are the foundation that cannot be broken, but blemishes like being an ESPN-aholic or despising her cat can be put on hold. Let’s face it, all baggage is revealed in good time; and building some credit with a little self-promotion at the beginning might inspire a little more forgiveness later from the potential Ms. Right.

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In Congress this week, just about everyone agreed on everything. At least that’s the case at the 16th annual UFO Congress in Laughlin Nevada, which wraps up a week of activities tomorrow. It’s a place where UFO enthusiasts can congregate without being laughed at, and where UFO authors and lecturers can make their wallets thicker.

Perhaps the recent sighting of “mysterious lights” at O’Hare peaked your interest in UFO’s. Who could resist? The idea of there being life on other planets is thrilling. The universe is so vast, it would be naïve to think there’s no life out there. But that’s a separate issue from someone paying us a visit. The problem is, it’s difficult to get your mind around just how big the universe is. Try this: of all the little stars you see in the sky at night, the closest is four light years away, according to Stephen Hawking, and it would take the fastest space ship thousands of years to get there.

‘’Ok, then perhaps they have some super-duper technology that helps them travel light years in a blink?’’ asks the UFOlogist. That raises two points:

1//Last I checked, not one good piece of credible evidence exists. Not an alien rock, or piece of clothing, or video. Nothing’s ever landed at State and Madison at high noon.

2//If they have the technology to travel light years, wouldn’t they have the technology to do so undetected by us humans, who get excited about the new cupholders in their car that’s designed to last only four years.

Of course, none of this discourages the attendees of the UFO Congress from trying to make their case. Skeptic and researcher Robert Shaeffer visited a previous meeting. He dressed in black, from head to toe. When he walked in, everyone stared. One UFOlogist finally asked, “So are you one of those Men In Black?”

Shaeffer replied, “Sorry, I'm not at liberty to discuss that."

He expected a laugh, but instead, the man slowly moved away, confirming the paranoid spirit that runs through the UFO believer.

Here are the hot topics at this week's congress:

A couple of congressmen videotaped an interview ten years ago with an attendee who claimed to be involved with a crashed saucer recovery mission. The congress promised not to release it until the attendee gave permission but it seems the attendee has disappeared (Men in Black?) in the last ten years so they’re setting up the video screen. Attend---if you dare.

Another participant will debut his research on the Starchild skull which “should soon prove to be the most important relic in human history.” I checked out the website of presenter Lloyd Pye. It says the Starchild skull is most likely a human-alien hybrid. (Hey didn’t Steve Guttenberg do the wild thing with an alien chick in the swimming pool in 1985’s Cocoon?) Note that Pye also describes himself as a researcher in the field of “alternative knowledge,” which I believe is a nice way of saying “subject that sounds important but doesn’t exist in any major university.”

An engineer and scientist found a way of calculating the duration of long-term magnetic reversals on the Sun. Using this ‘’knowledge’’ he was able to break the codes of ancient sun-worshipping civilizations. He’ll explain how the sun is the cause of all our problems although there is no plan at this time to erect the Montgomery Burns sun-blocker contraption.

How about a lecture on "Exopolitics: How Does One Speak To A Ball of Light?”

(I am not making this up.)

“Hello Mr. Light? I’m Mr. Johnson. Damn glad to meet you.”

“Many people have made huge psychological investments in this ‘alien visitor’ world-view,” Shaeffer said. “It's like a religion to them, they can't understand why other people don't ‘see the light,’"

That’s how they counter the naysayers like me. They might explain that I am just part of the cover-up conspiracy. Of course any conspiracy would have to include governments from around the world. And as we see on a daily basis--whether its celebrity gossip or political sources leaking dirt to the press--most people can’t keep a secret.

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Filmmaking is an art and during the Oscars we can appreciate all the artisans who contribute to the final product. I am not suggesting that anyone's eagerly awaiting the presentation of Oscar to Best Sound Effects Editing. However, I've come to appreciate the screenwriters more and more as I watch the actors open their mouths for their acceptance speeches, and engage their own thoughts: they babble, lecture or cry. This is why screenwriters should get more recognition. They can capture an emotion, establish a character, and summarize a story in just one movie quote.

Clemenza's wit in The Godfather...

"Leave the gun; take the cannoli."

Bluto's dramatic monologue in Animal House...

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

During those Oscar speeches, the actors will prove once again just how important writing is to the art of filmmaking. The art of crafting a concise and powerful message is not easy. While actors ramble on, spewing platitudes from a cocktail napkin, these movie quotes prove you can say much more, in just a few words.

JAWS
Near the end of Jaws, our heroes get their first glimpse of the great white, and Roy Scheider breaks the silence with the understated:

" We're gonna need a bigger boat."
LESSON: fail to plan---plan to fail .

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
Meg Ryan proves to Billy Crystal she can fake an orgasm while sitting in a delhi and the woman sitting at another table remarks to the waitress:

" I'll have what she's having."

LESSON: There's no better endorsement than 'word of mouth'

"SUPERMAN: The Movie."
Superman catches Lois Lane falling in the sky.

SUPERMAN: I' ve got you.
LOIS LANE: You've got me? WHO'S GOT YOU?!
LESSON: You're only as good as the people underneath you.

WEDDING CRASHER
Vince Vaughn is looking for a "sure thing" and noticed a woman with a tattoo on her lower back.

"Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye."
LESSON: Your personal expression may make a first impression that reveals far more than you intended.

TOP GUNAn instructor scolds Tom Cruise for flying recklessly.

"You're trying to cash checks your body can't cover."
LESSON: Don't touch, unless you can afford to buy.

ANIMAL HOUSE

Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: ''Better listen to him, Flounder. He's pre-med.''

LESSON: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

Obviously there are many people who contribute to this art form, but please, Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio... give us a simple thank you. Hire one of your screenwriters to craft an elegant moment of appreciation,

and spare us the shout-outs to your publicist, accountant, and dry-cleaner. The other 20 million of us would like to see Best Picture and get to bed at a decent hour.

Posted by Larry Potash at 9:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Frank Warren gets a thousand postcards a week from around the world, from people revealing, usually anonymously, their deepest secrets. After publishing his first book in 2005, his project has taken off. He has found that while we think our secrets make us unique, they also tie us into our common humanity.

["This book is about] the inexhaustibility of secrets. When you think there aren't more, there are. I'm not shocked anymore," Warren said. "Sometimes I get the same secret on the same day from two different continents in two different languages."

He attended high school in Springfield Illinois and during a trip here, he says he learned that a high school teacher in Chicago displayed 300 postcards, revealing her students' secrets, but school officials called it "gratuitous" and "sophomoric" and made them take it down.

Perhaps the officials should've spoken to Warren. He says he wishes there was a book like this when he was a kid, struggling with his own secrets. You can send yours to Warren or post it online by checking out postsecret.blogspot.com/ Not only does the confession help ease guilt, but it may inspire others to finally deal with their own demons.

Here are some of the secrets revealed on postcards sent to Frank Warren, published in his new book MY SECRET.

SELF-PITY
"I wish guys loved me like they love my friends." (Perhaps they're turned off by your lack of self-confidence---fake it til you make it.)

HINDSIGHT
On a photo of a bride from the neck down...

"I wish I had not tried to grow up so fast. I feel like I missed some important parts of young adulthood. He left me anyway."
(He did you a favor---our parents' generation would've lived together for another miserable 20 years.)

RANDOM
I lick the inside of microwave popcorn bags.
(Why not just get a spoon and a can of Crisco?)

FANTASY
On a card with stick figures...

"I imagine what sex would be like with every person I interact with."
(Have fun trying to figure out which person in your office is doing this, and hope it's not the co-worker who licks the inside of microwave popcorn bags)

FETISH
"I want to have sex with a piano."
(I don't have the courage to search for a website devoted to this fetish.)

INFATUATION
"I call my friend really late at night, secretly hoping she'll fall asleep while we're on the phone. Sometimes she does, and then I like down to sleep too. I'm in love with her and I realize it's probably the closest I'll ever get to sleeping with her. But for now, it's enough."

(You're not in love” you're obsessed; move out of your mother's house and find someone who is interested in you---she isn't.)

PHONY
"I lied to fit in and now feel more alone than ever before."
(Because you are not unique any more.)

REGRET
A photo of a young woman hooked up to tubes in ICU:

"When you were in the ICU I took your picture. I wanted you to see what you looked like so that you might go into rehab. I never showed you the pictures, you never went into rehab, and I never forgave myself. I am so sorry."

"We all have a secret that would break your heart if you knew what it was,"Warren said. "And I think that if we all remembered that, there would be more tolerance and compassion in the world."

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Valentine’s Day is rarely irrelevant for women. There are two competing scenarios that spell disaster: having no valentine, and having one that screws it up, which can be worse than having no valentine. While the silver screen shows us that romance should be instinctual, the reality is that it is ugly in the liquor-drenched trenches of dating, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship can make you sea sick. This is why Ian Coburn of Lakeview has written about his dating disasters and willing to share them with you, in his book God Is a Woman (www.godisawoman.net)

It is his view that God must be a woman because at age 34, it seems the mysterious forces of the great beyond are against him. The spiritual thing to do is to find the good in the bad, and share the mistakes to help others.

For example, he meets “Gina” and the date goes well. They go back to his place and things heat up. She felt “uncomfortable,” considering this was a first date. In an effort to validate her feelings and make her more comfortable, Ian tried to say something reassuring. But, it came out like this:

“Don’t worry about it. It’s only a first date…I didn’t expect to get this far.”

Gina didn’t say anything….meaning she didn’t call him on this embarrassing moment, and she never said anything to him ever again. Never returned a call. That was it. Done. He never got the chance to tell Gina, but here is Ian’s analysis, for both men and women.

“When we like a woman, it makes us nervous. We become more self-conscious. We get so fearful of saying the wrong things, and of course, that’s what ends up happening,” Coburn said. “The only guy who says the right thing all the time is more interested in getting in her pants.”

So the question becomes, how can you tell the difference from a nice guy who says something, versus a guy who is simply an ass. Coburn says, it would’ve been better had Gina called him on it. It would have given him a chance to apologize---something men aren’t always very good at doing.

Advice for women---cut him some slack.

Advice for men---apologize—and Coburn notes that doesn’t mean a shrug with a “you know what I meant.”

How about a woman’s perspective? Rene Friedman is a lawyer in Chicago and she did the online dating. She did a background check and figured out the college philosophy professor she thought she was meeting wasn’t a professor at all---but he was married with three children.

She turned to a site with a different philosophy: www.greatboyfriends.com. What better endorsement for a guy, than a seal of approval from an “ex” or at least a female friend.

“If you write your own profile, it reflects how you perceive yourself. If a friend writes your profile, it reflects how others perceive you,” Friedman said. "When you describe yourself, you may not see your strengths and charms as clearly as a friend does."

Friedman met an artist, someone she might not have met in her professional circle. He wrote her a haiku about her high heels.

This might solve the problem of the fumbling self-conscious man. Write it down. It’s not a cop out; and you may build equity for when you inevitably say something stupid.

“In the beginning, you spend hours crafting these beautiful, long, involved emails to one another, like an 18th century character who spends hours writing correspondence to a lover who lives far away,” Friedman said. “Writing has a feeling of intimacy and romance that isn't replicated in phone calls or face to face conversations.”

It worked. They married in December of 2005. Now we just need someone who is willing to endorse an ex-girlfriend for Ian Coburn.

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When the final second ticks off in Miami, you will have nine shopping days to score a winning gift for the Super Bowl of Romance. I am not including Feb. 14 as the 10th day. If you wait that long, you will be scouring the aisles of Walgreen’s or grabbing the bouquet special at Dominick’s, and if your Valentine is a woman worth keeping, she’ll know you threw the February 14th Hail Mary and throw a flag.

I have searched the web to bring you some options, for not only the high-maintenance type, but also the gem who can take a joke.

----

Smells like happy
They say you can’t buy happiness, yet here it is--and it’s cheap: $4.99! The folks at buysomehappiness.com claim scientists have isolated the essence of emotion and processed it into an extract. Whether you’re looking for "Playful Kitten" or "Giggly Baby," a little dab’ll do ya.

---

Satisfaction
What’s more romantic than Sticky Fingers in your back pocket? How about a vinyl wallet made out of a recycled Rolling Stones album of the same name. (Hey kids, that’s a vinyl disc that makes music). $189, uncommongoods.com

--

See the light
Because sometimes men need a signal, try these lighted bras. For once, a guy may actually have an excuse for staring. $55-$105, enlighted.com

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Butt wait, there’s more
Put the ass in class with a genuine artist’s rendering of your behind. The artists at Butt Sketch World Headquarters can sketch your butt from a photo for $35, regardless of size. Buttsketch.com

-

Couples therapyThrough February, Exhale Spa, 945 N. State St., offers a couple’s Tantric Acu-Massage, which combines deep massage with acupuncture treatment. I am not sure I want needles in my "romantic zones," but if you’re a New Age Yanni kind of guy, go for it. It’s $180 per person, $350 per couple.

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Total package
The Four Season’s Hotel is offering a "My Healthy Valentine" package: one-night stay in a suite, couples’ massage, candle-lit dinner, chocolate and a checkup at Northwestern Memorial hospital. Prostate screening for him; mammogram for her; $8,900.

-

Imported air
Show her she’s got that European flair when you purchase authentic air from Wales from walesinabottle.com. Catherine Zeta Jones pays $47 for a small bottle of Welsh air and has it flown to her home in L.A., according to published reports. Also for a limited time only, I am offering alien pixies from Pluto; third-party post-dated checks gladly accepted.

.

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TV Sweeps month is just days away which means a whole new round of over-hyped rmediocre programming. To be fair, there are a lot of good programs out there but when you consider how many channels there are now, and the low number of hits equates to a batting average lower than Rusty Kuntz.

So in my never-ending job of trying to improve TV, I thought I, along with my TV friends, present some of junk that could be weeded out of the medium I love so dearly. I was inspired by a column in the Chicago Tribune by Maureen Ryan last November. While she highlighted a couple of interesting issues, I’d like to continue exorcizing these demons of those evil producers.

AARON SORKIN
Aaron Sorkin is best known for writing West Wing and Studio 60. He’s known for the fast-paced, witty banter in his shows. One Trib reader asked whether people at work really have such important conversations waiting for the elevator. But my point is that it portrays everyone in the office as having the same personality and having these rapid-fire conversations, not just at the elevator, but all day long. I’d have to wear my inhaler around my neck.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
In the groundbreaking All in the Family, the “loveable bigot” Archie Bunker asks Sammy Davis Jr. “I know you can’t do nothing about being black, but what made you want to turn Jew?”

That was 1972, the season that saw the show shoot from #34 to #1 in the ratings.

Now political correctness has sucked the edge out of TV, especially comedy. In fact, it’s even hit Sesame Street. Cookie Monster can’t binge anymore because the PC police have determined that (insert cookie monster voice here) “cookie is a ‘sometimes food.”

CLICHÉ’ CHARACTERS
Hollywood producers were quoted as tiring over cliché’ characters like the meathead jock, and the dumb blonde. Here are a few more:

over-the-top homosexual—FABULOUS!

overly mature 19 year old---- suffers teen angst but has vocabulary of 30 year old.

WGN news writer and second city assistant director Ann Marie Saviano has a pet peeve:

FEMALE SIDELINE REPORTERS

“These so-called pretty women who don't know jack about sports, reporting from the sidelines just to incorporate women into the action... It would be one thing if they knew how to say anything other than, "How does it feel, you just won?"... or "Back to you *guys* in the booth. But they don't.”

I agree…it’s like your childhood friends are getting together for a night of steak and beer and one guy shows up with his wife---changes the whole dynamic of the conversation. And while some of those reporters may have studied the stats and watched the games…have they ever run a post pattern in their lives? Do they think a button-hook is something on Mary Todd Lincoln’s cape?

Comedian Mike Toomey, whose love of TV has been a big part of his act, says pet peeves can be part of the guilty pleasure of watching TV.

“I used to hate how nobody would ever really die on a soap. The guy could get his head chopped of in a butcher shop accident and miraculously, he's back six months later for revenge on the man who lured him to demise,” Toomey said. “The guy was decapitated! Somehow, the evil yet mysterious gentleman, unbeknownst to us, was hiding [in the shop] and managed to steal the body and re-attach the head while substituting the corpse with pig parts left on Sam the butcher's floor, thus paving the way for the soap star's return for march sweeps (or he could just return as his own twin brother with an eye patch that nobody ever knew existed.)”

Toomey asks: Pet peeve or just really funny? When you look at it that way, it almost makes even bad TV a little more watchable.

Posted by Larry Potash at 11:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Now, come on, do you really think Larry Potash would call himself a slacker? This is Val Warner. Larry left the office and forgot to do his blog. So, he called back and asked one of the peons around here, like me, to put something in for him.
So, there you have it.
Larry's a loser.
Pat's on his way to Miami.
I'm off to emcee an event for the Boys and Girls Clubs of Chicago.
Paul's probably already passed out drunk at home from a long work week.
Robin, well, she's probably chowing down on a giant bag of cheesy cheese puffs while she waits to picks up her kids from school.
And Dean and Ana....those two are finalizing plans for their weekly "Friday Night Smackdown" viewing party...(they are trying to figure out how to top last week's strippers)

Have a good weekend!

p.s. As you can see, Val is the only one, from the morning team, doing something really worthwhile :-)

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The great thing about January in Chicago is that you have a multitude of reasons to feel miserable: weather, post-holiday blues, and your credit-card bill should arrive any day now with a bulk of your debt for 2007. Happy New Year, indeed.

But there is some good news in there. People are getting serious about their happiness.

While psychologists have typically focused on the fact that you’re miserable because your mother didn’t give you enough creamed corn as a child, this new movement focuses on the positive.

According to U.S. News & World Report, psychologists used to believe that life satisfaction levels remained generally stable over time. But a recent study from the University of Illinois suggests that this "set point" can shift over the years. What’s more, there are ways to push your happy point further away from "mediocre" and closer to "elated."

"How to be happy" sounds like the subject of pop psychology books, but it’s gaining credibility at universities around the country. More than 200 colleges in the U.S. now offer classes, including the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, according to a story in the New York Times.

Dr. Martin Seligman, of the University of Pennsylvania, is a leading authority on the psychology of happiness. He’s developed exercises that he says work.

You can try the exercises at his Web site, www.reflectivehappiness.com, where you can work with virtual partners. He claims 92% increase in happiness if you do the exercise.

One might argue this is just New Age B.S. Seligman has said the difference is that he and his colleagues are coming up with hard data to support some advice and debunk others.

Here is one exercise that some experts advise: "Fake it until you make it."

In research at Wake Forest University, scientists asked students to act like extroverts for 15 minutes. The more assertive and energetic the students acted happier than they were. More extroverted individuals reported having a good day on the job, which made them happier at home.

Here’s my analogy for "fake it until you make it." It’s sort of like golf. You have to understand the fundamentals of the swing. At first, you’re thinking elbow in/arm straight--you feel stupid, but you do it. But with practice, the swing becomes instinctive.

Here’s another tactic. Some of the pioneers in this movement say their research shows that we should focus less on "stuff" and more on "giving back."

Cool cars and the latest fashions feel great at first, but they don’t have much staying power. We get accustomed to them. Perhaps that’s why we keep buying more stuff. It’s like the crash after the caffeine high.

The New York Times profiled one happiness class at George Mason University where students did something they loved and then performed an act of selflessness.

Sex, beer and The CW’s "Smackdown" all proved to be titillating, but students seemed surprised at how much more gratifying it was to give a waitress a big tip or volunteer at a shelter.

Conclusion? Doing good is good for you.

"Research shows that people are much happier if they feel they live in a harmonious world and are surrounded by people who are trusting," clinical social worker Ronda Bresnick Hauss told me, "this would imply that as a society, we have a lot more work to do."

-- Larry Potash

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Some people are numbers people when it comes to sports. They’ll look at the Seahawks offensive numbers versus the Bears defensive numbers and attempt to predict the outcome of Sunday’s big game.
It’s true that numbers measure past performance. Very simply: Rex Grossman’s completions divided by his attempts give you his completion percentage. That’s math. That’s how we determine objective facts in our world.

Statisticians aren’t allowed to say "Brian Urlacher only had eight tackles but he’s such a nice guy, let’s call it 12 tackles." We all understand it doesn’t work that way.

Phil Clark was a football guy who is now a numbers guy, and he says both have taught him a lot about life. After playing at Northwestern, the Cowboys drafted him in the third round in 1967. He played for the Bears in 1970.

These days, Clark has turned to the principles to Numerology for his sense of direction. The study of Numerology holds that the letters in your name, your birth date and about 25 other components can give you insight on how you can improve your life.

"Numerology holds your likes and dislikes," Clark said. "But the higher purpose is the growth of the soul."

Clark doesn’t do predictions for those looking for a point spread, but he says Numerology does give him insight into Sunday’s big game.

"[Urlacher’s numbers] show physical power that others would feel; leadership," Clark said.

Ah. OK. Wow.

Clark says the power of Numerology works through vibrations in the nervous system. He claims different letters have different vibratory rates depending on where they fall in the alphabet.

Certainly, vibrations are detected by our ears, which send messages to the brain, but beyond that, I haven’t spoken to anyone who knows of any peer-reviewed studies that confirm vibrations in the nervous system or souls.

" ‘Each letter has a vibratory rate by its position in the alphabet’ isn’t based on any known fact or principle of science. To me the claim is gibberish," said Dr. Robert Carroll, author of "Critical Thinking about the Paranormal."

"Numerology is a mathematic Rorschach test where people find all kinds of ways of linking numbers to people and events," said Jim Underdown of the Center for Inquiry in Los Angeles. "Such numbers are manipulated to say just about anything, and cannot be reliably used to predict or discover anything."

But Clark points out that "There’s a lot of things science won’t accept. … [Scientists] give all the credit to the brain. Just because it can’t be measured doesn’t mean it can’t be applicable."

Using Numerology of some kind has gone on for centuries. Clark says the elite once used it to make decisions. However, just because someone’s been doing something a long time, doesn’t make it right.

Math is a pretty exact science, so I’m sure numbers lend the appearance of credibility for some people lured by the idea of someone tapping into their "inner potential." But chances are, you’ll remember the numerologist’s vague "hits" and forget their misses.

To be fair: Could there be anything to Numerology? I suppose anything's possible.

But adding "ology" doesn't make it a science. It seems hypocritical to add it and then say you're not beholden to the rules of objective confirmation. Extradordinary claims require extraordinary evidence; Numerology promises to answer your questions, when it can't even answer its own.

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One day in April 1981, someone noticed several people in sweat suits jogging in Evanston. They weren’t exactly the Northwestern intramural co-ed track team, as the witness noticed something odd.

The joggers were smoking cigarettes. The Evanston Police were called, and it’s a good thing they were. Turns out the "joggers" were suspected terrorists with the FALN, a Puerto Rican independence group.

Evanston Sgt. Gerald Brandt was on the scene. "They were active for years in Chicago--bombings, murder--and they had been very successful," Brandt said. The group spotted in Evanston were a few who had evaded arrest. "But, they were so dumb, as they failed to realize that joggers are not smokers."

As Dr. No told James Bond, "The successful criminal mind is always superior. It has to be." Key word there is "successful."

Fortunately for us, most felons aren’t too bright, but their screw-ups often are humorous, as cataloged by the folks at thesmokinggun.com, who have compiled years’ worth of the best public records for their new book "The Dog Dialed 911."

"When you’re [reporting] a story, you come across documents that are funny, but they just don’t make it into the story," said Managing Editor Andrew Goldberg. "But you show your friends, because it’s often the best part of the story."

The Smoking Gun book is a virtual blueprint of what NOT to do if you turn to a life of crime.

For instance, Anthony Prince and Luke Carroll had an idea to come up with some extra cash. They robbed a bank of $130,000.

Mistake No. 1: They wore their work ID badges.

Mistake No. 2: Their getaway plan was an escape by ski lift.

Mistake No. 3: They photographed themselves with the loot.

They pleaded guilty--probably the smartest thing they’d done in awhile. At least they had good legal advice. If only they had sought that kind of wisdom earlier in life.

It’s not just felons who are foolish.

The clerk at a Food Lion in Virginia gave $50 change after being paid with a $200 bill." The $200 bill should’ve been her first clue. She also missed the picture of President Bush on one side, and on the flip side, signs on the White House lawn. Stay alert!

Even the geniuses at NASA have meltdowns. The Smoking Gun obtained an e-mail from a research engineer to his colleague. One week before the Columbia space shuttle exploded, the engineer asked:

"Any more activity today on the tile damage or are people just relegated to crossing their fingers and hoping for the best?"

"Turns out the crossed fingers approach didn’t work so well," The Smoking Gun pointed out.

Don’t rely on luck or faith, when lives are on the line.

Even cops have their share of incidents.

Deputy Jack Munsey lost his job with the Martin County Sheriff’s Office in Florida after being caught using his patrol car’s dashboard camera to shoot close-ups of women at the beach. He even had a directorial shot sheet.

Apparently, Officer Bikini Fellini had failed to learn the lessons of all those dumb criminals he’d arrested, proving no one is above the law, or stupidity.

"We all have our bad moments," Goldberg said. "But some end up doing it when law enforcement is around."

Posted by Larry Potash at 9:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The end of the year gives us a chance to reflect on our accomplishments, as well as the goals we failed to achieve. This is especially true in the news business. We watch history unfold each and every day---triumphs and tragedies from around the world. Only a few of these stories will leave a lasting impression on history---they are typically not the stories covered in this column. However, I like to bring you the quirky people, that make life a little more interesting, and teach us something about our neighbors and ourselves.

You can find the transcripts by clicking on Larry’s World about halfway down the page at http://wgntv.trb.com/news/local/morningnews/

This year, I introduced you to 4’4” Joey Fatale, the leader of MiniKiss, a Kiss tribute band consisting of “little people.”

Lesson: Little people are capable of being more than the elf in the Christmas commercial.

I also introduced you to Chicagoan Jim McBride is Mr. Skin, the self-professed leading authority on celebrity nudity in movies.

Lesson: Adolescent obsession can be a passion that benefits society---he employs 40 Skinterns for his website.

And my exclusive with Jesus. Neil Saavedra is a former punk-rocker and martial-artist who became Jesus, as host of "The Jesus Christ Show" on KFI AM640, in Los Angels. , which you can hear online at www.kfiam640.com .

Lesson: "If I could find a way to focus myself the way I do for three hours on radio I'd be a lot better off. Everyone should play Jesus for a living,” Saavedra said.

With the exception of Larry Farwick, who has collected every Red Eye column since it began in May of 2003, here is a follow up of 2006 for the rest of you, and some feedback from some of the stories that got the most reaction.

I got an angry email from Enisa Hamzic about my column on the news. I wrote that I am tired of people complaining about the news being biased or negative…and explained that it is better to hear "bad" news than to live in a country (Russia, China, etc) where you are not permitted to hear it.

I was upset that (you) are just "following the herd of sheep" if you will, and writing something that required absolutely no critical thought and research. Anyone with a decent education should have learned that EVERYTHING that we see on television is questionable! I recommend checking out these DVD's..."The Myth of the Liberal Media" and "Control Room".

I will watch those documentaries and report back to you my findings, but in my 17 years in broadcast journalism, no one has ever asked me to slant a story. Typically, it’s a case of “biased media consumer” who doesn’t like to hear things they disagree with.

One documentary I’ll be skipping, is the one shot in June. I told you about a documentary being done on the “haunted” Hooters at 660 N. Wells. Roy Baggio, 40, of Chicago Heights, and his team from Chicagoland Paranormal Researchers conducted a pre-investigation using electronic devices and their “gifts” for sensing paranormal.

Baggio emailed after the shoot, to tell me he detected several EVP’s (electronic voice phenomenon.)

I ran this by an audio engineer David Federline, who says this is most likely “white noise” caused from the electronic equipment, or just sounds of the city.

Noises in a basement in 660 N Wells you say? Shocking. If I recall correctly, isn't there an underground tunnel system for cabling/phone/infrastructure that caused the flooding of downtown when a barge knocked a hole in it in the river back in the 80's? Sound travels nicely through pipes and tunnels,” Federline said. “If this is publicity, the fundamentalists will have a field day exclaiming that Hooters is in league with Satan and it is proven by a haunting. Nothing generates more free publicity like a controversy or some spirits.

I also noted in a column this year that despite the ongoing obsession with Jen and Vince, Brittney’s underpants, or Mel Gibson’s drunk tirade, celebrities don’t care about you.

I got this email from Veronica Seizys:

I was a fan of Mel Gibson's, until I actually met him!
I was sitting at the bar watching the band and the dancers on the dance floor when, all of a sudden, this man literally PUSHED his way between me and the woman sitting on the stool next to me to get to the bar. I had to lean so far back to get out of his way I almost fell off my stool. I turned to look at the intruder and I saw the great man himself, Mel Gibson. He never said, "Excuse me," "Pardon me," or even "Sorry." He even had the nerve to make that "shooing" sign with his hand to us, as if he were shooing away a fly!

I suggest to students, who always ask me what celebrities I’ve met, that

Celebrities don’t care about you. Your parents and teachers do---invest more time worshipping them.

Parenting tips are included in one of my annual columns to mark my daughter’s birthday. She turned two in July. I always thought of the Red Eye audience as 25-year-old, beer-drinking sex-machines. But apparently, there are many young couples who read this paper too. And to you singles having fun in the bars, just remember this will be you someday.

Here is one tip I offered:

Don't fuss about their food: As adults, we are particular about pairing white wine with fish and balancing green veggies with starch. My daughter enjoys soy dogs with a mixture of Cheerios and pickles. Wash it all down with a nice glass of milk. Mmm, that's good eatin'.

I got this feedback from Ben Pomeranz, who has a one year old daughter Eva and five year old son Julian. He offered a few tips for raising boys.

For scratches, scrapes, cuts and bruises, Daddy doesn't always have to
say, "Walk it off."

Your son thinks you are the greatest! You can do no wrong. Don't let
him down.

In May I encouraged you to climb your family tree to find compelling stories from your own ancestry….or if the record is sparse, start your own story for your descendants. I attended a family reunion for my Uncle Herbie’s 80th birthday. He keeps the details on our family tree. At 80, he’s had much to add to the story.

Being 80 suddenly makes me realize that I am now the oldest! I especially miss people who are not here now but were an important part of my life, the humor of my sister, my brother and parents…but I don't feel old, Herbie said. “My wonderful family keeps me young!

I noted a stranger who looked like one of us so I asked how he was related, only to find out he was my Uncle Herbie’s neighbor. However, with such a striking similarity in appearance, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that somewhere up the family tree, there is a connection to this “stranger.” It just goes to show you that our neighbors aren’t so foreign after all. Anthropologists say if you climb high enough, the human family starts with a small group of people in Africa. Somehow I doubt they were as colorful (or kooky) as we are.

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#39 Top Science story of the year by DISCOVER.
TB Makes a Scary Comeback
An outbreak in South Africa of an extremely drug-resistant strain of TB is raising international alarm. The disease is gaining ground in countries where large numbers of people have immune systems weakened by HIV.
Experts worry this could put TB on the fast track to cause an uncontrollable epidemic.

Offering dental care can save firms money on health insurance. More employers are adding dental policies as evidence mounts that improving oral care helps keep other illnesses under control. A study of diabetics showed that patients overall medical costs were reduced 9% when they received early periodontal treatement.
--Kiplinger Letter

Two things you should never put in the disposal-----celery and pasta.
--my plumber


COMING UP MONDAY....
We'll be talking to our terrorism analyst, Tom Mockaitis of DePaul Univerisity, about his new book---The "New" Terrorism---Myths and Reality.

I'm very excited for the new "Latke Song" that will debut on the third day of Hanukkah on the morning show, Monday.

-- Larry Potash

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The holiday season is here, and while many of us know how to comparison shop online or steal a parking space at the mall, there are some who feel they’re not quite in tune with the deeper details of Christmas and Hanukkah -- and the theologies that make up their religions.

What do you believe?

Perhaps you need someone to boil it down for you.

The Belief-O-Matic is one modern tool that can help. It’s a personality quiz about your spiritual beliefs available at beliefnet.com from people who take their religion pretty seriously. Beliefnet.com can tell you pretty much everything and anything about religion--it even offers personal consultation with clergry.

Successful movements have to find ways to cut through the media clutter of the 21st Century. Sometimes that means using a Web site. Another strategy is art and theater; other times, it means taking it to the streets to bring the message to people often passed over by our society.

How about sex as a strategy?

Got your attention?

That’s one way they’re keeping people from falling asleep in the pews. Sex is not sinful in the eyes of two pastors in Oregon. And the pews are packed when Ted and Diane Roberts conduct seminars from their "Sexy Christians" series. They encourage couples to be open about their sexuality and to enjoy it within the context of their faith. They tackle topics ranging from how to keep the passion burning, to how to recover from sex addiction.

Heather Veitch, meanwhile, is taking it to the streets. The beautiful blond struts her stuff into strip clubs to bare the word of God. She targets women of the sex industry, and their male customers, as a preacher for the Christian church "JC Girls Girls Girls."

"See us in action" is her sales pitch for her Web site www.jcsgirls.com (where you can also buy a "Holy Hottie" T-shirt.) She was motivated by the death of a fellow stripper who died of alcoholism.

"I knew that I needed to go back and tell those girls that there was another way," Veitch said in an interview with AFP news service.

Another group targeting "lost souls" is The Hot Metal Bridge Faith Community of Pittsburgh. It reaches an alternative crowd of spiked hair punk rockers, students, recovering alcoholics, and others through theatrics.

The pastors realize that while Bible stories are compelling, not every pastor is a compelling story-teller. The pastors at this church use theatrical lighting and dramatic scenes and liturgy from various religions to bring the ancient stories to life.

If you like your spiritual entertainment low-brow, you can see low-budget productions on the web. Charleton Heston was great, but you haven’t experienced Moses and the Exodus until you’ve seen it performed in Legos from the folks at www.bricktestament.com

There’s even religion for people who aren’t religious. The theology of the Church of the SubGenius is to poke fun at religious cults like Scientology, and the (from outer space) Raelians. It features celebrity ministers like former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette (from Penn & Teller) and Pee-Wee Herman. They claim aliens will arrive July 5th and only members of the church will survive. They’re not asking for blind faith. They offer a guarantee: "Eternal Salvation Or Triple Your Money Back."

What do you believe?

Maybe you haven’t formed the answer. But do take time between the eggnog latte and the ATM to search for something other than a good holiday bargain. –

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Some moms are obsessed with turning every holiday into a portrait from Currier & Ives, but inevitably your Uncle Denny the drooler ruins the family portrait, and Auntie Cheapie gives packs of Hubba Bubba to the kids. My annual holiday gift guide won't restore a Victorian vibe, but it might help you get even with Uncle Denny and Auntie Cheapie.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
This one is especially for that nostalgic mom. Faster than the ghost of Christmas past, you can trigger Norman Rockwell-quality memories with Instant Happy Childhood Memories Breath Spray; $4.99 at www.stupid.com

Continue reading "UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS" »

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The holidays are so rushed and full of pressure. Before you know it, your brother gets a gift certificate, your Aunt Myrtle gets the instant animated Santa e-greeting, and you get the feeling that hardly any thought goes into the season anymore.

So I was inspired when I came across the story of "Professor" William Mealing, a man who kept up the spirit of Christmas throughout the year. His bright suits and shiny jewelry were as festive as a Christmas tree, and his stories were just as colorful. I recently discovered him while doing some research.

Professor Mealing started an after-school basketball program for boys at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Elementary School on Belmont. Despite always falling behind on his own rent, he used his own money to buy the kids trophies. But he was more than a gym teacher. He was an African-American living in a mostly white Lakeview neighborhood, and he was the neighborhood mentor, known by some as the "Pied Piper" of Lakeview, according to Tribune reports.

Mealing traveled the world, knew famous people, and owned luxurious homes. At least, that's what he told the kids.

Gary Dong was one of those kids. The year was 1973. The self-proclaimed professor took the 6th-grader and his friends to concerts and to dinner. Mealing set standards--requiring them to dress appropriately-- and he taught them dining etiquette.

"It means a lot to take time. My parents didn't have time to show us. They both worked," Dong told me. "He was always up on your work and he'd always check up on us with teachers."

But all is not always what it seems. Nobody really knew where the good professor came from, and he was prone to grandiose stories. However, they felt they could trust him.

Dong said that as he grew older he learned more about his mysterious mentor's life from Mealing himself. He believes Mealing's mom was a maid for a wealthy family near North Lake Shore Drive. When something happened to his mom, the wealthy family adopted him.

"So he had this opportunity that others didn't. He got an education," Dong explained.

When he was in his 60s, Mealing apparently enrolled in math and history courses at Truman College. He never married.

"If I'd had a child of my own," the Tribune once quoted Mealing as saying, "how could I have ever [kept] up with all the other children I have to worry about?"

On June 27, 2002, Mealing, died of cardiovascular disease. It's unclear how old he was; his obituary speculates he may have been 100.

Dong went to Mealing's small, cluttered, basement apartment to clean it out after he died. The professor kept all the things kids had given him over the years--letters, postcards, graduation photos-- spread on poster board, the refrigerator and in photo albums.

Dong, 44, is now a dentist in Chicago. He has two children.

"Now that I reflect… he had no ulterior motive, but to give people a good start," Dong said.

Mealing's legacy? His generosity--not so much the money he scraped up for the kids cleaning houses, but his time.

Maybe it's not as glamorous as an Xbox or as practical as a gift certificate, but these days, time is at a premium, and it's a far better investment for both the person who gives and the person who receives.--

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One of my oldest possessions is a miniature Plymouth Rock that I must’ve gotten as a souvenier during a field trip in Kindergarten 1973 to Plimoth Plantation, where you can see the “real” rock. When you grow up in Boston, history is real. Some of the streets and structures still stand, or at least have been recreated, so you are surrounded by history. Of course, even in Boston, children got the sanitized version of everything: The Pilgrims enjoyed a lovely sail across the water and Squanto was at the shore with a gift-basket with wine and poutpourri. Oh sure, the Indians did teach the Pilgrims about planting corn--it was all organic, without the thumb-rings and lip-piercings of the Whole Foods workforce. They all sat down at a very long table, with very tall buckled hats and the evening culminated with a "shirts and skins" two-hand touch game.

Once you get out of elementary shool, it seems Thanksgiving becomes a holiday without meaning or character. I always feel like that scene in The Simpsons, where Marge does her darnedest to prepare a lovely family meal, with candles, and all the trimmings. Then, Homer, Bart and Lisa fly down the stairs, gobble the grub in pandemonium, burp, spew a casual “thanks mom” and move on their merry way. So when I have young relatives at the holiday table, I take a page out of the Passover playbook, and have people around the table read a passage or two from the real Thanksgiving story, without the cornucopia of cartoonism.

I remember in third grade, making a Thanksgiving mural and my Pilgrims were proportionately about two feet taller than the Indians. They are bigger than life in our stories but that is not the complete picture. The Massachusetts Turnpike used to have signs with Pilgrim hats and an arrow through them. That tells you---there’s a little more to the story. They headed towards Massachusetts when they were blown 220 miles off course, and then they started to run out of beer (really—it was safer than water.) Before the Mayflower “hit Plymouth Rock” a scouting party stole some corn, and at least 30 Indians attacked them with arrows, according to Nathaniel Philbrick’s book “Mayflower.”

He writes that unlike the Founding Fathers, the Pilgrims believed they were guided more by God, than reason and as long as the Indians were loyal, there would be no problems. Religious tolerance wasn’t in their playbook, but when they were starving, they were a little more willing to listen to native wisdom.

The farming lessons weren’t free. Massasoit, had a secret agenda. What many people don’t realize, is that the Pilgrims landed in the middle of a political power struggle among Indian tribes. To make a long story short, Philbrick writes that this led to violence that spread among various alliances that crossed racial lines and created mass confusion.

The first Pilgrims tried to live in peace among the tribes, but their children and grandchildren engaged in ethnic cleansing and slave trading. Ultimately, Philbrick writes, the New Englanders destroyed their forefathers’ way of life. So you see, The Pilgrim chapter isn't just one hard winter of thanks and peace, but an epic story of surviving disease and warfare; something that’s worth remembering before overindulging in big portions and small talk.

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Graham Walker and his brother, Douglas, were camping one weekend in 1995 and when neither wanted to leave the cottage to get firewood, they solved the stalemate with a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Graham won. When Douglas came back to the cottage, they got hooked on RPS---they noticed there was a little more to it than hand-gestures. Now, they run the World Rock Paper Scissors Society in Toronto. Tomorrow, they will host 500 players competing for the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship.

“It’s probably the best excuse to go on a road trip,” said Graham Walker, 39. “You can walk in the door, and leave a champion.”

In a time of international conflict, I am not suggesting that this childhood game could bring together the Sunni and the Shia. However, it might help end an argument with the wife about whether you can purchase the 60 inch plasma, thus preserving your marriage. If nothing else, people are getting off their cushion and into the game. You can’t hit an 80 mile an hour curveball, but you CAN throw a rock, paper, or scissor. That’s all you need to know, to experience the championship stage. People come from around the world to experience the thrill of the lights and cameras, knowing that it could be all over in just four throws of the fist.

“The strategy is to play randomly…but humans are incapable of being random. Humans always fall into patterns,” Walker said.

While champions attract beautiful groupies, I am not sure “Rock Paper Scissors Champ” is going to keep your winning streak alive with the ladies at the bars in Lincoln Park. But at the RPS event in Toronto, even the losers stand a chance---how could their be any pretentiousness?

“It’s cool, crazy, weird and fun” Graham said. “You have 750 like-minded people out to have a good time. Everyone has three things in common: rock, paper and scissors.”

The lack of time, skill, and endurance are leading more people to join leagues for organized kickball, Electric Football, and even Shin-kicking tournaments. Face it---you’d look pretty dumb playing touch football with a bunch of 12 year olds.

Besides, People are growing tired of artificially-enhanced athletes, with their self-absorbed theatrics. Don’t see a sport you like to watch or play? Invent your own! In the summer of '79 my friends and I played Frisbee golf through city streets, trying to hit telephone poles while avoiding the “bunkers”---windows and El Caminos. Maybe someday, professional sports executives will learn a lesson, and we can stop paying $300 to bring a family to the ballgame.

“We’re more participatory in this country now and people have the opportunity to do something; run a marathon, splash someone with a paintball; that’s more satisfying than sitting in the stands," said NWU Prof. Irving Rein, author of The Elusive Fan: Reinventing Sports in a Crowded Marketplace. "I don’t think that football and basketball are being barraged by these extreme sports, but what you’re seeing is the numbers going up. The question here is—something’s got to give, eventually.”

But even a child’s game can become vulnerable to the pressures of big league sports. There is now another RPS league in the U.S. which has added beer girls, big prizes and racy videos, to compete with the "high-brow" World RPS in Toronto. The two organizations don’t seem to like each other much….but put the lawyers on hold and settle it like a champ---let the fists fly.

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I do not have a Larry's World column in Today's Red Eye so I am reprinting a previous column from March 12, 2004, titled "CLINTON & THE EGG TIMER." Who said politics wasn't funny?

While most kids were running home from school to watch Speed Racer, one little 10 year old boy was rotating the dial to something that had more drama and suspense--- the live Senate Select Committee On Presidential Campaign Activities, better known as the Watergate hearings. Hey, some kids had the hots for Trixie or Chim-Chim but Mark Katz loved to hate Nixon. He didn't know why, but he knew it was fun. Mark and his brother Robby wrote some Nixon jokes:

Q:What did Ehrlichman say when he walked into the Oval Office and saw Haldeman?

A: Testing. Testing. One, two three.

Hysterical-when you're 10.

This passion for politics led Mark to a gig as joke writer for Mike Dukakis.

"You are looking at the guy who made Mike Dukakis so funny," Mark told me during a recent stop in Chicago to promote his book "Clinton and Me, A Real Life Political Comedy."

Well, he would have made Dukakis funny, if Dukakis had listened to him. The funniest thing about Dukakis was watching a five foot Democrat with Count Chocula eyebrows put on an army helmet and ride a tank----but that wasn't suppose to be comedy, and "tank" is exactly what happened to his 1988 presidential campaign.

Mark hoped he would have more luck in 1995, when he was asked to help President Clinton, after Clinton's 90-minute State of the Union snore-a-thon. Mark wrote some jokes for Clinton's next speech, four days later, for Washington's Alfalfa Club. Katz outlined the plan in his book:

The obvious answer to all the mocking for the length of his last speech...was to juxtapose a kitschy kitchen device with a presidential podium brimming with gravitas; pull an egg timer from his pocket, set it to five minutes and greet the audience---reset as needed.

Clinton glared with anger-"You can put the egg timer away," the President said.

On the night of the speech that Clinton had rewritten, the President was bombing. Suddenly, he reached into the pocket for the emergency gag---the egg timer. According to Mark, it was the one authentic laugh of the night.

"It was a lesson in humor that he needed to learn, quite honestly, which is, humor in Washington is best-used when it's self-directed. That's kind of the first rule in Washington politics. Second rule is, 'repeat as necessary.' The third rule is, 'once you've been sufficiently self-deprecating, you've acquired the right to be self-deprecating on behalf of others."

One year later, Katz developed RULE NO.4: things are only as bad as the things you can't joke about.*
*see Monica Lewinsky

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I do not have a Larry's World column in Today's Red Eye so I am reprinting a previous column from March 12, 2004, titled "CLINTON & THE EGG TIMER." Who said politics wasn't funny?

While most kids were running home from school to watch Speed Racer, one little 10 year old boy was rotating the dial to something that had more drama and suspense--- the live Senate Select Committee On Presidential Campaign Activities, better known as the Watergate hearings. Hey, some kids had the hots for Trixie or Chim-Chim but Mark Katz loved to hate Nixon. He didn't know why, but he knew it was fun. Mark and his brother Robby wrote some Nixon jokes:

Q:What did Ehrlichman say when he walked into the Oval Office and saw Haldeman?

A: Testing. Testing. One, two three.

Hysterical-when you're 10.

This passion for politics led Mark to a gig as joke writer for Mike Dukakis.

"You are looking at the guy who made Mike Dukakis so funny," Mark told me during a recent stop in Chicago to promote his book "Clinton and Me, A Real Life Political Comedy."

Well, he would have made Dukakis funny, if Dukakis had listened to him. The funniest thing about Dukakis was watching a five foot Democrat with Count Chocula eyebrows put on an army helmet and ride a tank----but that wasn't suppose to be comedy, and "tank" is exactly what happened to his 1988 presidential campaign.

Mark hoped he would have more luck in 1995, when he was asked to help President Clinton, after Clinton's 90-minute State of the Union snore-a-thon. Mark wrote some jokes for Clinton's next speech, four days later, for Washington's Alfalfa Club. Katz outlined the plan in his book:

The obvious answer to all the mocking for the length of his last speech...was to juxtapose a kitschy kitchen device with a presidential podium brimming with gravitas; pull an egg timer from his pocket, set it to five minutes and greet the audience---reset as needed.

Clinton glared with anger-"You can put the egg timer away," the President said.

On the night of the speech that Clinton had rewritten, the President was bombing. Suddenly, he reached into the pocket for the emergency gag---the egg timer. According to Mark, it was the one authentic laugh of the night.

"It was a lesson in humor that he needed to learn, quite honestly, which is, humor in Washington is best-used when it's self-directed. That's kind of the first rule in Washington politics. Second rule is, 'repeat as necessary.' The third rule is, 'once you've been sufficiently self-deprecating, you've acquired the right to be self-deprecating on behalf of others."

One year later, Katz developed RULE NO.4: things are only as bad as the things you can't joke about.*
*see Monica Lewinsky

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Octoberfest may be winding down but for one historic family in Chicago, the beer bash is just beginning. Or, perhaps we should say there is a sequel to the storied “Sieben’s Brewery” that holds a prominent position in Chicago history. It had been the oldest operating brewery in Chicago until it closed in 1967. And now, nearly 40 years later, Sieben’s Beer is back.

One of my colleagues, Bob Esp, is an engineer surrounded by colorful buttons and tv screens, who ricochette’s satellite signals between loop high-rises to bring you the artistic glory that is WGN Morning News. His great-great grandfather on his mothers side, Michael, founded the Sieben’s Brewery in 1865. The original brewery was located on Pacific Avenue near Clark and Polk Streets. Esp says a slight shift in wind spared the brewery from the Great Chicago Fire. However, it would be at the center of another firestorm years later---a story I will get to in a moment.

Despite the family legacy, Esp knew nothing about making beer a year ago. All he had were the stories.

“It’s something I always wanted to do,” Esp said. “Anyone who remembers Siebens, remembers it fondly.”

Esp connected with a cousin, Richard Sieben, and encouraged him to become partners. Siebens is a senior auditor at Metra, but for the last decade, he’s been experimenting in his garage with yeast and hops, to brew the perfect beer.

“My name was actually noticed in one of my MBA classes by a teacher who suggested maybe I look into it for one of my projects,” Sieben said. “So I went to Barnes and Noble and found a book about beer and saw the name. I bought it and it listed all the reasons not to open a brewery.”

But Esp kept pushing. In 2000, Siebens took brewing classes at Siebel Institute of Technology in Chicago. While going through old storage logs, Sieben discovered that some of the yeast used in his family’s brewery had been preserved in a Siebel Institute freezer. It helped reproduce an important aspect of Sieben’s recipe.

“I was dying to find out what the beer tasted like,” Esp said. “It’s smooth and well-balanced. Not sweet; a clean finish.”

For a fraction of the cost of building their own brewery, they hired a brewery to produce the recipe. After a year of experimenting with ingredients, temperature and ph-levels, the beer will hit bars and stores at the end of the month.

But how does one compete between the big breweries’ marketing budget, and the crowd of catchy microbrew names like Three Stooges Beer or Polygamy Porter ( “Why Have Just One!”) Perhaps the storyline will hold some attraction to Chicagoans.

Sieben’s has a colorful history, which includes doing business with the mob. The details are unclear. But, according to John Binder, author of The Chicago Outfit, prohibition put breweries in a tough spot.

“Either you shut down or make near (non-alcoholic) beer, which nobody wanted to drink, or you sold out to the bootleggers, or you took them in and run full-blast and make real beer.”

Binder said Chicago mobster Dion O’Banion (north side) told his rival Johnny Torrio (south side) he was planning to retire and wanted to sell his share of the Sieben’s Brewery. On May 19, 1924, they met at the brewery, which was raided by police. Torrio knew he’d been set up. O’Banion made sure the cops would be there. He also knew that because it would be Torrio’s second prohibition offense, that Torrio would end up behind bars. This is what led to the infamous “handshake murder” of O’Banion at his flower shop. It was the spark that set off the north and south side gang wars, including the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre in 1929.

Most of Esp's and Sieben's relatives discouraged them from pursuing the beer business. They say "You don't own a brewery; a brewery owns you." They know that in family businesses, the pressure for profits can sometimes add dysfunction to family. But these two Sieben ancestors seem less concerned with their financial portfolio; for now, they value the art of beer making. Like TV, beer is also a synthesis of science and art, but Esp is far more passionate about his family brew than bouncing satellite signals. Perhaps that inspiration will ultimately be more effective in attracting Chicago beer customers than bikini models caressing another watered-down beer.

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It is Friday the thirteenth…. Strange and eerie things are happening around the world on this very day. A phone rings, and it is a person you were just talking about. You show up to a business meeting, and the client has the same tie. (Insert Twilight Zone music here.) Are the forces of darkness steering you to your doom? Are the spirits from the great beyond sending you a message?

“People seem to want to believe that there is something magical or mystical in their existence,” said Jon Carlson, a psychologist from Governor’s State University.

But the truth is, strange and eerie things happen everyday; we just tend to remember the weird ones. Let’s take September eleventh, for example. I recently got one of those forwarded emails (for the upteenth time) about the mysterious “connections” behind the nine-eleven tragedy.

*9/11: 9+1=11
*After September 11 there are 111 days left in the year
*The twin towers look like an “11.”
*The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11.
*State of NY was the eleventh state added to the Union
*Afghanistan has 11 letters.
*George W. Bush has 11 letters

(This is just a fraction of the list.)

Uri-Geller, who claims to be a psychic, posted something like this on his website and recommended everyone pray for 11 seconds. Dr. Robert Carroll of the Skeptic ‘s Dictionary, writes that this is an example of using selective thinking to make something seem designed or the result of a preordained pattern.

One of the 9/11 flights originated from Boston. John Kennedy and Conan O’Brien are from Boston and both have 11 letters. Is there a connection?

The only force at work here, is the one of coincidence and the only thing that’s mysterious about it is that it involves math, which, if you’ve seen my checkbook, can be very difficult to figure out.

Here’s an example. It seems unusual for us to run into someone with the same birthday. However, you might be surprised to learn that (according to math) in a random selection of 23 people, there is a 50-percent chance that at least two of them celebrate the same birthday.

Here’s a more disturbing example. How about a person dreaming of a plane crash, and the crash happening the next day? A million to one odds may sound large enough to rule out coincidence. But according to Dr. Carroll, “With six billion people on earth, having an average of 250 dream themes each per night, there should be about 1.5 million people a day who have dreams that seem clairvoyant.”

One needs to put coincidences back in context. With a big enough sample, you find that things are not so mysterious. Flipping a coin “heads” six times in a row might seem eerie. However, you would be less impressed if you flipped six consecutive “heads” during a thousand coin flips. You realize---this stuff just happens.

Wheaton native Jim Underdown of the Center for Inquiry West in Los Angeles explains that people are struck by coincidence because they don’t remember (and therefore disregard) the thousands of non-events that are also part of any set of statistics.

“Lottery boards never issue press releases about the 49 million people who lost this week,” Underdown said. “Slot machines don’t whisper ‘hey you won.’ It lights up like a Christmas tree.”

The September eleventh examples involve retrofitting significance. Underdown says look at the “connections” between Elvis and Jesus:

*wore white
*called “the King”
*frequented the desert (Jesus roamed the desert; Elvis often played Las Vegas.)

What does it mean? Nothing. Weirdness can be a piece of evidence worth exploring but in the end, statisticians have the ultimate proof in the numbers.

"One reason we attribute paranormal or supernatural causes to coincidences is because most of us are innumerate. That is, we don't have a clue about what the real odds are of things. When two events come together that seem uncanny or really weird it jolts us into thinking the coincidence is meaningful. But where is the meaning coming from? Not the natural world, because in the natural world, things happen according to whatever laws govern them. So we attribute the meaning to the paranormal or the supernatural. I guess it gives us some comfort and some sense that we're connected to something important, which makes us important, too," said Dr. Carroll.

Weirdness happens on Friday the thirteenth as well as Saturday the fourteenth. Science offers the best view of reality, even when reality is weird, and in nature, that’s not that uncommon. What would really be unusual, is if weirdness never happened. Now that would be creepy.

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One day I was sitting near Dr. J at a basketball game. He had just retired. When the game was over I took his empty Coke can. That was about 1987. I still have it, collecting mold in a box of stuff. It's worthless but people seem to get a kick out of it…except for my wife who thinks I'm an idiot.

Paul Lisnek understands. When he invited me to see his collection, I expected a case of Looney Tunes Pez Dispensers or autographed photos from the cast of Barney Miller. But when I walked into the Lakeview jury consultant's townhouse, I could not believe my eyes: As I walk into the living room, I see a ram standing on top of an eight foot armoire on my right; on my left is a glass box with a mannequin hand, featuring a glove of Judy Garland, which is holding a partially smoked cigarette from the actress who played Barney Fife's girlfriend, Thelma Lou. This introduction gives you a range of the 200 pieces in his eclectic collection.

The walls are covered in framed montages of valuable memorabilia, like Tom Cruise's gloves from Minority report; and a stained-glass tribute to "My Three Sons" which was designed by one of the characters, "Chip." On the kitchen counter, sits a real pod with dinosaur eggs.

He started collecting show biz memorabilia like the bricks that the Three Stooges used to throw at each other. He has one of Gilligan's sailor hats, Barney Fife's keys to the Mayberry Jail, and even one of Donny Osmond's shirts.

"Probably because I'm weird and childish," Lisnek said. "But also, as you get older, part of it is recognizing that your tastes change and you can't live in a place of a 12 year old."

Through the years his collection evolved to include more historical items like a tile from the Titanic, and a voting booth from 2000, with a ballot signed by Gore.

"He sort've grimaced and signed it."

The most haunting piece was the lock of hair from President Abe Lincoln's death bed.

Some if it he purchases from collectors, but sometimes he just grabs something that grabs his attention.

"I was drunk in South Carolina and two weeks later, this (giant Buffalo head) showed up."

You could say his "museum" is unofficial, so I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate strangers stopping by the house but you can still experience the nostalgic thrill of historic memorabilia. Chris Epting has written a book "The Ruby Slippers, Madonna's Bra, and Einstein's Brain -- The Locations of America's Pop Culture Artifacts."

Did you know James Dean's car door from his infamous accident is at the Volo Auto Museum in Volo Illinois? The book is a guide to historic items that you didn't know even existed anymore, like Paul Revere's Lantern or John Wilkes Booth's gun. Isaac Newton's Apple Tree is at Babson College in Boston.

"I think the attraction for one is that things like this provide glimpses of what got us where we are today -- the inspirations, tragedies, triumphs -- they all matter, Epting said. "Then there's the nostalgia factor -- we love to relive our youth and the touchstones that shaped how we view life."

So regardless of its value, it's not just junk. Epting says memorabilia makes you feel closer because in some cases, they are all that's left of an event; like another piece in my collection -- a piece of tile from Al Capone's bathroom at the Lexington Hotel….although I prefer not to think about getting closer to Scarface at the urinal.

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Sunday marks the 135th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire, and it was on a Sunday in 1871 that flames scorched miles of Chicago. Mrs. O'Leary's Cow took the blame; no suprise -- as cows have never quite gotten a fair shake in our society -- bad enough they can't run, swim or fly, but rather face a dull life at Old MacDonald's farm, only to end up at old McDonald's slaughterhouse. If someone walked in to a smokey barn and saw you there….wouldn't you point the other way and say "The cow did it." You might think blaming a cow, would be the safest scapegoat. But, to Anthony DeBartolo, a reporter for Hyde Park Media, these details matter.

DeBartolo found a piece of evidence while doing research for another project about ten years ago. Experts have scoffed at the theory, saying they had read everything there was to read about the Great Chicago Fire. However, they probably missed this -- a short paragraph, in what DeBartolo calls a well-respected book about the history of gambling.

In the 1964 book "The Complete Illustrated Guide to Gambling," Alan Wykes writes about a will from 1942 for Louis M. Cohn, who passed away at the age of 89. Cohn's estate was handed over to Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism. The press release was obtained by DeBartolo for an article in The Chicago Tribune several years ago. It included one paragraph about Cohn's "interesting connection" with the origin of the Great Chicago Fire.

"He asserted that he and Mrs. O'Leary's son, in the company of several other boys, were shooting dice in the hayloft…by the light of a lantern, when one of the boys accidently overturned the lantern, thus setting the barn afire. Mr. Cohn never denied that when the other boys fled, he stopped long enough to scoop up the money."

Sykes added a comment about Cohn's will.

"Cohn added a postscript to his story in the form of a deadpan comment that could have been made only by a man with the unswerving single-mindedness of the dedicated gambler: 'When I knocked over the lantern, I was winning.'"

An expert in Chicago Jewish history and geneaology later contacted the Chicago Tribune, and supplied the name of Cohn's father, Marcus, who according to the 1870 directory, lived less than a mile from the O'Leary house, near what is now Dearborn Street and Jackson.

"Cohn is the only guy in history ever to say in effect 'I did it,'" Debartolo said.

"Many other people have come forward to say other individuals were involved but no one other than Cohn ever came forward to say that they were in the barn at the time the fire broke out. I think that's significant. So, the question becomes, why would Cohn lie?"

DeBartolo suspects the story of Cohns involvement was suppressed because Cohn was Jewish. The Cohn confession never makes it to the final recorded will, which was never signed by Cohn. DeBartolo suggests that in the 1940's, Cohn's Jewish friends (who were also his executors) may have thought it best to keep Cohn's "confession" private at a time of great Jewish persecution.

Historians say it's just another wild tale.

"It's unprovable and irrefutable," said Prof. Carl Smith, of Northwestern University It is based on one guy's claim that might have happened but we have no verification. My gut reaction is it's one guy bragging."

De Bartolo tracked down one of the executor's sons -- Stanley Feinberg, who was living in LaJolla California. Feinberg confirmed that Cohn had told the story about the infamous craps game.

"He wasn't being boastful, or proud or remorseful," Feinberg told DeBartolo in a 1998 interview for the Tribune. "He was just setting the record straight. 'Here are the facts,' he'd say."

"The only time I thought Feinberg wasn't telling me the truth was when I asked him about [Cohn's] will - he stopped looking me in the eye." DeBartolo said. "It's understandable why they wouldn't want a fellow Jew to stand up and basically say, "I started the Chicago fire."

The Tribune later heard from 74 year old Roy Grayson, who said his grandfather, Abraham Goldstein, often told stories of boys playing cards and drinking in O'Leary's Barn….and "on the night of the fire, one of them kicked over a lantern."

"The evidence was destroyed, we can't reconstruct it. We will never know," said Libby Mahoney, of the Chicago History Museum. "Barns are stuffed with hay and they didn't have electricity or flash lights; there were kerosene lanterns. It seemed inevitable in some way. The conditions were right, something was bound to happen."

Mysteries are what keep people fascinated with history. Every town has its legends, and regardless of how this one began, it ends with Chicagoans building a city of glass and steel, built from the ashes of an old barn. In the end, that is the story that matters most.

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Forty-five-year-old Jim Rzonca of Lemont drywalls all day, so his hockey days are over.

But that doesn't stop him from reliving his childhood through table hockey tournaments. "For most all of us table hockey players and hobbyists, it's something we discovered under our Christmas trees," Rzonca said.

If you were a guy who grew up in the '70s you might've had the giant steel board with the long spokes that guided players down the ice. (My Toronto Maple Leafs looked like Vidal Sassoon models; the Montreal Canadiens looked like ax-murderers.)

"It's the best sports game ever made." Rzonca said. "We do it for the camaraderie -- it's the same as guys going on a golf outing."

Rzonca might be classified as a "rejuvenile." It's a term and the name of a book by Christopher Noxon, who observed adults regressing to their childhood. It looks something like a midlife crisis -- only it may come at 35. In a sense, it is a pacifier for people dealing with the stresses of adult life: everything from paying the bills, to September 11th.

Are you a rejuvenile? Take this quiz:

Are you 24 and live with your parents?

Do you have a Bugs Bunny DVD?

Do you actually know where your matchbox cars are?

Have you recently sipped a juice box?

Do you have a poster of Cheryl Ladd (or Leif Garrett) on your wall?

If you said yes to any two, you're a rejuvenile. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The fact is people are staying single longer; waiting longer to have babies. Noxon says 38 percent of single adults aged 20 to 34 live with their parents.

Why the stranglehold on youth? Media plays a big part. I have seen TV and movie producers play to a target audience that gets younger and younger. In fact, most advertisers care little about people over 49 who typically have already developed loyalties to certain brands. So, perhaps we're hearing the message that middle-aged people are irrelevant.

"A lifelong barrage of media attention aimed at youth has created a cultural tractor beam, drawing older consumers back into the target market," Noxon writes.

But "there's a big difference between child like and childish. Five hours in front of an Xbox or unlimited cupcakes and Cap N' Crunch… you revert to childishness." To strike a balance, you take the spirit of childlike imagination into adulthood.

At 39, I'm not panicked about being irrelevant just yet, but I must admit I am drawn to elements of my childhood more and more.

When my 10-year-old nephew comes to town, I jump at the chance to play my Cadaco All-Star Baseball game. It's from the mid-70s and features a pop-up ivy wall and Wrigley Field scoreboard. The wall has since collapsed, but the spinning needle still works on the statistically accurate 'player discs' for greats like Willie McCovey, Bill Madlock and Carl Yastrzemski.

Is it wrong to be a rejuvenile? Hey we spend 75 percent of our life (if we're lucky) living in adulthood. Who wouldn't want to relive the years when our biggest problem was whether to get a snow-cone or a circus pop.

"I want to be able to play these games, watch cartoons and still watch 'Frontline' and read The New York Times," Noxon said. "You don't have to give it up."

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Whether you are a CEO or a garbage man, chances are you fall into the same routine each day.

You take the same way to work; talk to the same people; eat the same food. Reporters might be the exception: I have flown a fighter jet; been in a crack house; visited Death Row; and interviewed a CEO on his corporate jet, as well as a little old lady at her kitchen table in Cabrini Green. But how do you add the spice to life if you don't have that kind of opportunity?

Debbie Mudd has an idea. She is a writer for the marketing company ARC Worldwide in Chicago who felt bored in her daily routine. She is on a quest to do 30 things in 30 days that she's never done before.

"I felt like I was treading water in every aspect of my life. It felt like I was standing still," Mudd said.

So she kicked off her adventure on Labor Day with a trip to the nude beach in Mazomanie, Wis. "I wondered why. Do they just want an overall tan? I'm still unsure. Is it liberty?" Mudd asked. "It was cold that day so people started putting on shirts, but no pants."

Her missions come in all shapes and sizes:

Daring: A friend drove her through Bucktown and Wicker Park where she mooned people. "Having eye contact first can send a malicious message [with your moon]," she learned.

Dangerous: She toured on a Segway and nearly ran over a group of Swedish tourists.

Gross: She ate an Irish breakfast of black pudding (made with pigs blood) and white pudding (other pig parts) at the Grafton. "It's not on the Weight Watchers menu for a reason."

Weird: She wore Chinese bamboo vinegar detox patches strapped onto her feet. "It helps you remove toxins and combat fatigue," she said. "It worked but looked disgusting [from all the stuff it sucked up from my feet]."

Friendly: She took a "Hi" Holiday where she said hi to everyone she saw. Only one-third said "hi" back.

Still in the planning stages: She plans to work at a soup kitchen and possibly sing at the "L." Her project will conclude Oct. 2, possibly at Yom Kippur services (she's Catholic.)

"I've always been a person who worries what others think. I'm the overthinker," she explained. "But doing this, I'm understanding that it's no big deal. No one cares."

Mudd hopes her 30-day project will be a breakthrough in helping her achieve new goals in life. She plans to write a book about her experiences.

I plan to help her cause by bringing her on "WGN Morning News" to give me a neck massage while I read international headlines ... or perhaps Paul Konrad could use her as a stepping stool so he can reach Michigan's Upper Peninsula on his weather map.

I am full of ideas:
-pogo sticking through the first floor of City Hall, dressed as Jesse Jackson
-perform redneck haiku at the town board meeting in Whiting Indiana
-jump a kiddie pool filled with jello on an old Huffy thunderroad.

Mudd's strategy is extreme, but insightful. Trying new things can provide a new-found confidence. I don't recommend mooning your boss or eating pig blood sausage, but at least taking a journey outside your comfort zone presents new adventures and new opportunities to learn

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The first music videos were the ones created by life, riding in my parents car, listening to the AM radio to maybe something like Gerry Raferty's Baker Street or "The Things We Do for Love" by 10cc. I'd watch the people walk to the beat of the music, sometimes even correlating with the lyrics. I never thought much about it. But it certainly made the music more powerful, and made me look at life a little differently. It made ordinary people seem like they had a sexier step in their walk, or make watering the lawn seem edgy.

So when the moody 70's music about love and war passed, and the glittering disco lights dimmed, music videos were just what we needed to sell 80's pop. MTV is celebrating its 25th anniversary and I am one of those people who had a friend with cable in 1981, and would sit mesmerized to images of white horses, fog, and shattering glass. None of it made sense, but the experimentation was wild and fun. When all you had to reference was a one-camera shoot of four Beatles standing shoulder to shoulder, bobbing, smiling, and singin' "yeah yeah yeah," the doors were open to anything.

OK, so this is where I officially transform into the cranky old man who lives across the street. The few videos out there today are nothing more than scantily clad women dancing and gold-grill pimps with fancy chrome wheels. Yawn. While MTV likes to view itself as cool, rebellious, and artful, it has become more about commerce.

I want "my" MTV!! (of 1981.)

Lately much respect is being paid to all that is retro. We're experiencing a resurgence of the '80s sound from bands like The Killers and The Bravery.

"Eugene," a character in "The Spazmatics," an '80s cover band of nerds, says Gen-Xers at their concerts know all the lyrics and that new, young fans are loving the '80s too.

"Music is a very cyclical thing. It goes in 20-year patterns. Now that we're in the 2000s, music from the '80s is becoming popular again," Eugene said.

He thinks what MTV lacks today is the variety you used to get by watching just that one channel.

"In the '80s, you would see anything from a rock video to a Missing Person's video. Nowadays they have specific shows for specific music." And the old-school videos are relegated to the "classic" MTV channels.

But you can tap in to these cool, old MTV videos -- on demand -- at a Web site I found called www.1500videos.com.

You'll see '80s staples like:

>> The cheap white backdrops of "My Sharona" or "Mickey."

>>Androgynous performers like Boy George and Annie Lennox.

>>Special effects that would make any Cable Access director proud.

And then, there's the randomness.

The Blow Monkeys' "It Doesn't Have to Be This Way" features a game show host, a football player, the paparazzi and a refrigerator--all for no apparent reason.

Scritti Politti, Sly Fox and other one-hit wonders are all there on the site. Their careers built, perhaps, more on chiseled looks, fast edits and odd camera angles, than on musical talent. In that way, '80s-era MTV videos have influenced everything from commercials to newscasts to movies and even the artists themselves. You can thank MTV for the fact that with few exceptions, you have to look sexy on video to become a successful musical artist. You don't see all that many Tom Pettys these days -- artists with compelling song-writing skills and faces made for radio.

But with all of the good-looking, highly polished pretty people, MTV is missing the serendipity of low-budget images that seem like a bizarre dream. I can't explain why ABC's "Look of Love" features an Austrian hornblower, a flying nun and a sad clown -- all I know is I couldn't stop watching.

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