Forgetting for a moment that the new Yankee Stadium is still nothing but a few artist renderings and a lot of pomp, we can still imagine what a world without The House That Ruth Built would be like.
Strange. Interesting. Cool. Strange.
But, that October night in 2008 is going to be amazing. And strange. Rather than lament now about that, perhaps we can ponder a more amusing tale about the end of the baseball cathedral known as Yankee Stadium.
Ask yourself this question: How can I get a ticket to that game?
Now ask yourself this question: What sort of hardware would I bring to that game?
Now ask yourself this question: What am I going to take from the Stadium that night?
First off, we don't need another Tom Cruise overacting job to tell us that scoring a ticket to the final game at Yankee Stadium will be an impossible mission. Sports fans in general are dumb when it comes to understanding the particulars of their sport yet very intelligent when it comes to knowing how to buy tickets to the games. A strange dichotomy. Stand in line at Yankee Clubhouse when tickets go on sale in December 2007 or January 2008. Go ahead. I dare you. Can you say Yankees vs. Devil Rays in July? Plus, there is the playoff situation to concern yourself with.
But let's assume you're one of the roughly 57,450 lucky enough to score a ticket. What do you bring?
I think we need to begin with a Leatherman. It's small. Fits in the shoe if necessary. Has every tool imaginable. Pliers. Flathead screwdriver. Phillips screwdriver. Knife. Raze. Scissor. And more.
Perhaps a vice grip, ratchet set and needlenose pliers would be good additions to our tool belt. And a mini shovel to scoop up some dirt from the field. Perhaps a spork would suffice as a substitute.
A miner's helmet would be essential. The plastic headgear would protect your noggin and the light atop the helmet would make it easier to see. Of course, that could create more legal issues than you might want.
On to what we should take as "souvenirs."
Where should we begin? So many memories. So many other people thinking the same thing.
I think we must begin with attire. A Yankee jersey and a Yogi Berra mask should do the trick. Enough people would be wearing Yankee jerseys, so I'd blend in nicely and avoid legal hassles. The Yogi Berra mask would be to prevent any cameras from catching my visual particulars.
Now to the looting. It would rival Captain Jack Sparrow. "Pirates of the Bronx: The Legend of the Yankee Pearls." Take what you can. Give nothing back.
I've sat all over that place. Do I hike up to the tier section and deconstruct a few seats from the days when the family would save the coupons from Dellwood milk cartons and get free tickets? Or what about that part of concrete where I finally got onto the jumbo screen?
Then there are those seats near Giuliani where I witnessed back-to-back-to-back home runs by Tim Raines, Derek Jeter and Paul O'Neill in Game 1 of the 1997 ALDS against the Indians. Or Row A.
What about Row W for Don Mattingly day?
This is a tough choice. But either way, some seat would wind up in my apartment.
Definitely need some dirt, too. Perhaps a few blades of grass.
A foul pole would be an explosive souvenir but hard to transport on the 4 train.
Also, a few T-shirts, a program, a 44-ounce souvenir soda cup, and a Yankee ice cream helmet seem necessary. Maybe even a few hot dogs and pretzels. Surely, freezer burn wouldn't set in for a few months.
I'd also need a few pictures of me and Freddy the pot-and-spoon guy who travels all around the stadium on game day.
And bail money.