Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

Regular people promise to lose 20 pounds, to stop the combover and to no longer cheat on their significant others.

Sports people are not regular people. They operate on a different playing field, one regular people can never step on regardless of how many episodes of MTV Cribs they watch or how many autographed cleats they purchase on eBay.

Sports people are behind the velvet rope, VIP people. Regular people aren’t even a +1 on that guest list.

But even sports people make new year’s resolutions. Here are 25 we’d like to see these sports people stick to:

Giants quarterback Eli Manning
I will stop throwing passes 12 feet over the receiver's head. Then, I vow to stop throwing passes behind receivers.

Future Baseball Hall-of-Famer Barry Bonds
I will pass Babe Ruth and break Hank Aaron’s career home run record and there’s nothing you, the media or Jeff Kent can do about it.

Injured Jets quarterback Chad Pennington
I will complete a 58-yard touchdown pass this year.

Jets coach Herman Edwards
I will coach to win the game.

Mets general manager Omar Minaya
I will attempt to sign or trade for baseball players of all races, ethnicity, creeds, religions and age.

All Mets beat writers
Starting in April, we will tell Kris Benson we saw his wife naked, then ask what went wrong on the mound.

NBA behemoth Shaquille O'Neal
I will snub Kobe Bryant for as long as the media continues to overhype the games we play against each other.

Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Tice
I will continue to be the worst coach in the NFL not named Jim Haslett.

New Orleans Saints coach Jim Haslett
I will continue to be the worst coach in the NFL not named Mike Tice.

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis
I will fire yet another head coach, bring in more deep-threat receivers and never address my team's awful defense. What’s one more year, anyway?

Cablevision CEO James Dolan
I will surrender all my controlling interest in the Knicks and Rangers and submit myself to a public flogging in Times Square by all those frustrated fans who have had to tell their friends that I own their favorite sports teams.

Golf great Phil Mickelson
I will win another major.

Giants radio announcers Dick Lynch and Dave Jennings
We will say substantive things, perhaps even longer than one sentence, in order to help play-by-play man Bob Papa.

Tennis deity Roger Federer
I may consider allowing another professional tennis player to beat me this year.

NFL receiver Terrell Owens
I will try to keep my mouth shut beyond Week 5 next season.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner
I will amass more talent before the trading deadline.

Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury
There will be no more towels draped over my head when I'm not in the game.

New Jersey sports fans
We shall continue to support teams that play in our state and carry “New York” as their geographic moniker. Any “New Jersey” team will continue to suffer our spurn.

WFAN radio personality Chris "Mad Dog" Russo
I will give him a lot of credit.

The sporting public
We will shun our biases and acknowledge and praise Annika Sorenstam's golfing brilliance.

Boxing commentator Larry Merchant
I will admit that I am really a wax likeness of myself with George Foreman working the remote.

Broadcaster Bob Costas
I will . . . . . no lon . . . . ger. . . . . . . . . . . . . use . . . . . . . . . dra . . . . . . ma . . . . . . . tic pauses where they . . . . . . . . . . . . do . . . . . . . . . . . . ..not . . . . . . . . . . . be . . . . . . . . long.

Future ex-Indiana Pacer Ron Artest
I am a lock to do something stupid soon.

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley
I will continue to give hair gel lessons to Long Island guys.

The 1,696 players on NFL rosters
We will make plays.

• 5/05: Our year in review

By Mark La Monica

After the world watches the ball drop in New York City's Times Square on Saturday night, attention shifts to San Francisco to see if Houston will drop the ball on Sunday afternoon.

It's the Reggie Bush Bowl and five teams have a chance to win. The Texans are in the lead by being the most awful bunch of 53 in the NFL through the first 16 weeks.

But the 3-12 Jets have a fighting chance at turning 2005 into something we can remember . . . for positive reasons.

Jets fans will be at Giants Stadium or in front of their television sets for what amounts to the greatest philosophical debate of the 21st century.

Do we root for victory to end the 2005 season and start the 2006 calendar with a modicum of happiness?

Or, do we begin the B-I-L-L-S BILLS! BILLS! BILLS! chant and egg on a 13th loss for our Jets in the hopes of getting the No. 1 draft pick?

This is a tenuous predicament.

The Jets are still alive in the race for USC running back Reggie Bush, the most electrifying college football player in the last 30 years.

Ordinarily, advocating team failure is grounds for immediate dismissal from fandom. But, Bush is far from ordinary.

The inverted standings look like this:

Team           Rec       SOS
Texans       2-13       .533
Saints        3-12       .517
Jets            3-12       .533
Packers      3-12       .542
49ers          3-12      .546

On the first calendar day of 2006, the NFL will send fans in five cities into a tizzy.

If all five teams finish at 3-13, a distinct possibility, then any one of them can earn the No. 1 pick. It's all based on strength of schedule.

In order to figure out a team's SOS, add up the records of all 16 teams they played. (Yes, count divisional opponents' records twice.)

The lower the strength of schedule, the higher the draft pick.

Of course, the Texans could just as easily lose this weekend to the 49ers, rendering all this pointless. The 2-13 Texans are 0-7 on the road. This is not good.

(Secretly, Jets fans are hoping the Texans still believe in their running back, Domanick Davis, and not their quarterback, David Carr. Or, maybe they believe in both and will draft an offensive lineman -- most likely Virginia's D'Brickashaw Ferguson from Freeport. Trading the pick is unthinkable, or at least, that's what Jets fans want to believe, just in case the Jets don't get the No. 1 spot.)

The mathematical equations are far too macrocosmic right now to determine who will lock up the No. 1 pick if all five teams finish at 3-13. Call NASA. Call Elias Sports Bureau. Call John Nash from "A Beautiful Mind."

They will all say the same thing: "Call me on Sunday night."

However, there are still a few things Jets fans can root for in Week 17:

* Oakland to lose. The Raiders are one of three teams the Jets played but the other four didn't. (The other two are San Diego and Denver, which play each other on Saturday.)

* The G-Men! In-town rivals be damned. If the Giants can win at Oakland, the Jets' SOS decreases while the Saints' and 49ers' increases. Ti-ki! Ti-ki! Ti-ki!

* Chicago to beat Minnesota. This would increase the 49ers' SOS. The Packers would add two wins and two losses, and the Saints would add one and one, so it's virtual washout.

* One more bit of magic from Brett Favre. If the Packers can get that fourth win by beating visiting Seattle, they would be out of the running. The Texans and 49ers would appreciate the dip in SOS, but the Saints wouldn't enjoy their uptick.

It's going to be a maddening conclusion to a painful season in green.

By Mark La Monica

A special shout out to those way-ahead-of-their-time Aztecs from 6,200 years ago.

They invented the calendar, and the 2005 iteration of it is coming to a close. More importantly, they put Christmas on a weekend, which means all the Johnny Damon hair stories can get swept off the table in favor of egg nog and cream puffs.

It has been quite maddening – read: stupid – having to see so many stories in newspapers, on Web sites and on television lately. So many computer-generated “What Would Johnny Look Like?” images with different haircuts.

(TURN ON SUSAN POWTER VOICE.)

Stop the insanity!

(TURN OFF SUSAN POWTER VOICE.)

The Yankees have a team rule about long hair. They don’t allow it. The Yankees have a team rule about beards. They don’t allow them.

That’s it. No exceptions. Leave it alone.

Quite frankly, who among us wouldn’t comply with someone giving us $12 million more than someone else? Exactly.

But, let’s bring this down to a level more commensurate with human consumption. Job A extends an offer. Job B, with the same exact job description, extends an offer 30 percent higher for your services. Even our inner rebel voice would be screaming “Shave that beard! Shave that beard!”

WWJLL? Like a tremendous leadoff hitter with a .290 career batting average and a .353 on-base percentage.

Some like to pretend that Damon only became a good player when he showed up at spring training in 2004 with his very marketable beard and long hair. That’s a Jayson Blairism at its finest. The only thing the beard did was make the girlies ogle.

Damon hit .304 that year, with 20 home runs, 94 RBIs, 19 stolen bases, 123 runs and a .380 OBP.

Only the home runs and RBIs were career highs.

In 2000, with the Kansas City Royals – yes, there was a time when he was a small-market player – a shorthaired, beardless Damon hit .327 with 16 homers and 88 RBIs. He stole 46 bases, scored 136 runs and had a .382 OBP.

Not bad, huh?

Damon had great success over the past two seasons with the Red Sox, including cementing Javier Vazquez’s New York legacy with a grand slam in Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS.

But, he’s not Sampson, folks. His strength is not in his hair. It’s in his keen ability to play the game.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shave and get a haircut.

By Mark La Monica

* The more Eli Manning throws footballs 8 feet over receivers' heads, the more Tiki Barber moves up the MVP ladder.

* Props to the NCAA for using the new Graduation Success Rate, a percentage that includes students who transfer from one school to another and still graduate. That information is not included in the federally mandated equation. Under that prehistoric thinking, an athlete who leaves Duke and graduates from North Carolina would count against both schools.

* In an unrelated incident, props to Colorado quarterback Joe Klatt for calling the NCAA "a terribly run organization." That's just plain funny.

* Props to the New York Jets for banning alcohol sales at Monday Night's game against the Patriots. I've long been a proponent of such ordinances. Now if only we can get every team to do so, games would be so much more fun to attend. (And sadly, four times more expensive.)

* Don't look now, but the Jets have crept back into the Reggie Bush race. That Week 17 Texans-49ers game is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuge.

* Was anyone else expecting Doug Jolley to trip before reaching the end zone on his 60-yard touchdown catch against Miami?

* The calendar claims there are but a few days remaining in 2005. This means plenty of year in review stuff. I'm wondering how many of them will not include the end of Bernard Hopkins' championship reign at middleweight. The man defended his title successfully 20 straight times before losing to Jermain Taylor some five months ago and again in early December.

* I'm thinking Indianapolis head coach Tony Dungy created an unnecessary debate when he announced he would rest his starters instead of pursuing 16-0. Oh, well, 13-0 is still respectable. But not making it to the Super Bowl will be like the Seattle Mariners winning 116 games in the regular season then, predictably losing to the Yankees in the 2001 ALCS.

By Mark La Monica

He's No. 5 in your program, No. 1 in your heart . . . and No. 7 on the Nicky Eyes Hit List.

Yes, it's true. USC running back Reggie Bush got caught in my maddening web of ridiculousness.

For those not keeping track over the past 18 months, it goes like this: Nicky Eyes is a character in "Goodfellas." He has one line in the movie: "What's up, guy?" He says it during the scene early on when
Henry Hill introduces all the people in the gang.

My goal is say to "What's up, guy?" to as many athletes and famous people as possible until either A) One of them calls me out on it or B) I actually meet and say it to John Manca, the man who played Nicky
Eyes.

It's fairly ridiculous, but it makes me laugh and it gives you something to read. The Nicky Eyes fantasy pool is not out of the realm of possibility.

As for its creation, well, after watching "Goodfellas" some 39 times, I started looking for random lines of quotability. This qualifies.

But there's an art to saying it to people. You can't just hit-and-run an athlete with it. That would be below the hard deck and Viper said that's a no-no.

This past Saturday at the Heisman Trophy presentation, I decided Bush would be the next name on the list. This is sort of like MTV's "Punk'd" with Ashton Kutcher, only slightly different and not televised and I'm not married to Demi Moore.

Plus, on this night, it appeared the Jets still had a chance to draft the best college running back since before people wore leg warmers, so Bush seemed relevant.

Bush entered the media room shortly after 9 p.m. and answered a number of questions form the horde. Then he did some one-on-ones with the Los Angeles newspapermen. Then some TV and radio.

A few moments after 10 p.m., Bush was wrapping up on the fourth anonymous cell phone of the evening, answering all the "How does it feel?" "Did you ever think . . .?" and "What about Matt and the NFL?"

The Heisman Trophy winner stood roughly 5 feet away to the northeast of me. To my left is the actual Heisman Trophy. Directly to my right was a large man with an earpiece and an itchy trigger finger.

La Monica's Law: When in the same room as a large man with an earpiece and an itchy trigger finger, befriend the large man with an earpiece and an itchy trigger finger.

"Snakeskin or alligator?" I asked the security guard. "I think snakeskin," he responded.

We're questioning Bush’s shoes, which go well with his sharp, blue pinstriped suit.

"I'm going with alligator," I said. "I gotta ask him. I'll bet you a buck."

"You really gonna ask him?" the security guard asked me.

"I really have no choice," I respond. "He's answered every other question and I'm already done with my work, so why not?"

Bush finishes his phone call and I move in. But, the USC sports information director steps in. Seems there's one more phone call to deal with.

He deals with it.

Then, the security guard, a Heisman secret service of sorts, snags Bush's attention.

"My friend here was one quick question," I hear him say to Bush.

My time to shine. Somewhere, Nicky Eyes is smiling.

"Reggie, I just have one question. Snakeskin or alligator?" I asked and pointed to his shoes.

"Aw, man, alligator," Bush said with a laugh, clearly relieved to have some fun with a reporter for a change. "C'mon, now."

I looked at the security guard. "Pay up, buddy."

I looked at Bush. "What's up, guy?"

And so we have No. 7 on the Nicky Eyes Hit List.

The list so far, in chronological order:

1. Gary Sheffield
2. Alex Rodriguez
3. Luis Sojo
4. Roger Federer
5. Gilbert Gottfried
6. Gianni Russo, aka Carlo Rizzi from "The Godfather."
(Props to Joey Colskore for that one)
7. Reggie Bush

By Mark La Monica

Surely the conversation would turn to this.

It's only natural when college football's most outstanding player arrives in an NFL city with a 2-10 team.

Upon his crowning as the 71st Heisman Trophy winner, Southern California running back Reggie Bush really had only one question to answer: What do you think of New York?

"The city is great. I love the whole East Coast atmosphere," he said Saturday night from the podium at The Hard Rock Cafe.

OK, so there was another question to answer: Could you see yourself playing for the Jets next year?

Here it is, Jets fans. The biggest question of the year. The Bud Fox "Life all comes down to a few moments" moment.

During his televised acceptance speech, Bush mention how teammate Matt Leinart's decision to return to school after winning the 2004 Heisman Trophy changed his life. Joe Benigno had three heart attacks.

Could Bush seriously be thinking about returning for his senior year at USC?

Bush reiterated the Leinart factor again a half-hour later at the news conference.

Well, flush those nitroglycerine pills down the toilet.

"I could definitely see myself being here," Bush said.

Of course, no official decision has been made, er, announced. That won't happen until after Jan. 4, 2006, when Bush leads the Trojans into the Rose Bowl for the national championship game against No. 2 Texas.

(QUICK HIT: In the one-on-one portion of the news conference, it was all Bush and all Leinart. No sign of Vince Young, the Texas QB and Heisman runner-up. He was depressed at the podium and out of sight now. What a shame. He's had a great season.)

Bush is reportedly going to be at the Jets-Raiders on Sunday afternoon. This is good. This is bad.

We should eschew the J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! chant since they are 2-10 and woefully bad. We should adopt, if only for this particular afternoon, a B-U-S-H BUSH! BUSH! BUSH! chant.

Let's make the West Coast native feel at home over here. Give him the type of fan embrace we gave to Chad Pennington in 2002. Could be good practice for 2006.

Much of the grill talk at Giants Stadium on Sunday will be about how the Jets need to draft Bush. But the better chatter is how should the Jets handle the game. Should they play as well as possible and win, just to show Bush a good time? That could create unnecessary heartache for Jets fans as a third victory almost assuredly punts away the No. 1 pick.

Or should the Jets do what they've done 10 of the last 13 Sundays, score a few points, lose the game and give Bush caviar dreams of how great an impact he could make in green next season.

Of course, this is not college recruiting. Only, it is college recruiting. This is going to be dicey.

By Mark La Monica

After review, the call on the web has been overturned. Right now, the Jets have the No. 2 pick in the NFL Draft.

The writer did not have clear possession of the mathematical skills. Therefore the Monday afternoon posting has been changed.

Props to Reader Referee James for his keen calculations.

Rejoice, Jets fans. We're that much closer to Reggie Bush. Now, if only those Texans could do the honorable thing and win a game.

The Jets, Packers and 49ers are all 2-10. Because of strength of schedule, the Jets win the tiebreaker and move ahead of the other woebegone professional football teams.

Quick refresher course: To determine a team's strength of schedule, add up the records of all opponents, including the teams they play twice. The lower the winning percentage of those 16 records, the worse the team, or so the theory goes. Hey, who cares? Whatever brings Reggie Bush to New York -- aside from this weekend's Heisman Trophy presentation -- works for us.

Here's a look at the top of the inverted standings:

Team               Rec        Opponents' record
Houston           1-11       105-87
Jets                   2-10       101-91
Green Bay         2-10       106-86
San Fran           2-10       106-86
Tennessee         3-9       98-94
New Orleans     3-9         101-91

Of course, if the Texans refuse to win one of their remaining four games, none of this matters.

[Note: The standings in Monday's blog have been corrected.]

By Mark La Monica

"Those [patoot]holes went for two, didn’t they?" Lawyer friend Steve asked before I even had the chance to politely answer the phone call.

Sorry, Steve, but going for two requires being able to score a touchdown, and quite frankly, the Houston Texans are not that potent an offense.

"This is ridiculous," Restaurant friend Rob ranted via voicemail. "What do I have to do get a win from the [f-bombing] Texans. I can’t believe it."

Jets fans can’t watch their own team anymore this season, so they spend their Saturdays drooling over Reggie Bush playing for USC and their Sundays staring at the upper-right corner of their television screens waiting for updates from Texans games.

Houston, we have a serious problem. Your professional football team stinks beyond any word recognized by Merriam and Webster as an adjective.

And we here in New York are fuming. The Jets patented losing in stunningly absurd ways, and here you come with your "Everything is bigger in Texas" thinking.

The Texans are 1-11 and smell worse than Staten Island. The Jets, Packers and 49ers are 2-10. Reggie Bush is coming out early. Surely, readers can see the problem.

Here’s what happened Sunday as the Texans threw away another lead and lost to the Ravens:

• Houston led, 9-7, then David Carr was intercepted by Adalius Thomas, who ran it back 20 yards for the go-ahead touchdown with 8:27 left.

• Houston drives to the Ravens’ 11, but settled for a field goal. Texans trail 13-12.

• With 1:13 left, Houston adds the go-ahead field goal and is in position to win.

• On the kickoff, Houston pinned Baltimore at its own 13.

Here comes win No. 2 for Houston. Here comes Reggie Bush to New York, or at least he’s that much closer.

But no, of course not. Those pathetic Texans allowed the Ravens, quarterback by painfully awful Kyle Boller, to march right down the field some 67 yards in seven plays and kick the winning field goal with 10 seconds left.

And now for a look at the inverted standings in the race for the No. 1 pick in the 2006 NFL Draft:

Team               Rec
Houston           1-11
Jets                   2-10
Green Bay         2-10
San Fran           2-10
Tennessee         3-9
New Orleans     3-9

Right now, because of strength of schedule, the Jets are in the No. 2 slot for the draft. This would most likely eliminate Bush and present an interesting decision for GM Terry Bradway and his war room buddies. USC quarterback Matt Leinart? Texas quarterback Vince Young should he opt out of his senior year? Virginia offensive lineman
D'Brickashaw Ferguson from Freeport High School? Trade the pick?

Here's where life gets confusing. We need the Jets to lose their remaining four games against Oakland, Miami, New England and Buffalo. Then we need Oakland, Miami New England and Buffalo to lose the rest of their games, thus giving them bad records and making the Jets' strength of schedule weaker, making them even worse.

Then, we need the Texans to win a game or two, and have the other teams they play win all their other games. Same for Green Bay, San Francisco, New Orleans and Tennessee.

Got it?

The Texans still have to play the 3-9 Titans, the 4-8 Cardinals and the 2-10 49ers. There is some hope.

The Packers host the 4-8 Lions, then travel to the 4-8 Ravens. There is some hope. The Packers then play Hurricane Ditka and the 1985 Chicago Bears and wrap up the season with Mike Holmgren's 9-2 Seahawks, both at Lambeau Field. There is no hope there.

The mighty mighty Titans of Tennessee can do wonders for New York by losing to Houston this weekend, especially because they've got the 9-2 Seahawks, the 5-7 Dolphins and the 9-3 Jaguars left on the schedule.

New Orleans is wonderfully terrible. And they will likely stay that way. The 7-5 Falcons, 9-3 Panthers and 8-4 Buccaneers will see to that. But, the Saints could ruin their draft chances by defeating the 4-8 Lions in Week 16.
The Lions seem hold everyone else's destiny in their hands. Provided Matt Millen does not shave his mustache or fire himself, we're looking pretty good here.

The 49ers will lose their next three games -- Seattle, Jacksonville and St. Louis. Their best chance for victory is Week 17 at home against . . . you guessed it . . . the 1-11 Texans. Oh lord. Being a Jets fan is not fair.