Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

Time for some logic games, folks. Find the common denominator in this series of things: one roaring newsrooom, numerous televisions, the month of March.

Correct! There's a huge college basketball upset in the making.

Screams came from several directions Friday night as No. 16 Albany took a 12-point lead against No. 1 UConn in the first round of the NCAA Tournament.

Surely this wouldn't continue. A 16-seed has never beaten a 1-seed in tournament history. The likelihood of such an occurrence is equivalent to Vince Vaughn playing a lead role in a serious drama. Remotely possible, not quite believable.

But what if? What if the Great Danes could be great the entire night and send the Huskies back to Storrs for public damnation by the ravenous fans in search of coach Jim Calhoun's blood?

It simply could not occur. It would come close to outranking "I can't believe Jessica Alba said yes!" on the all-time What If? list.

History gives us an account of what happened in the past. Where would we be if people didn't write down what happened? Would we have a national anthem if Francis Scott Key didn't write the words to "The Star Spangled Banner" while watching the Americans defend the city of Baltimore against British attack during the War of 1812?

So it's time for the "There's no way this can happen but if it does and I don't chronicle it, what kind of man am I?" diary.

We pick it up at 8:56 p.m. EST as Albany clings to a 50-43 lead (down from 50-38) with nine minutes remaining:

8:56 p.m. -- Marcus Williams hits a layup. Albany up, 50-45. Hey, where did that 12-point lead go?

8:57 -- Commercial break. Get notepad. Keep diary. What if . . .?

8:58 -- Someone get UConn fan Dutton on the phone. Let the taunting begin!

8:59 -- Sure, now that I'm keep a running diary, Albany decides to stink up the arena. Oh well, one more reason to hate the state capital.

8:59.30 -- Yay! Albany hits a basket for the 52-45 lead. The Great Danes are back.

9:00 -- UConn's Denham Brown bangs a three with eight minutes left. UConn trails 52-48. I might as well put my pen down and go back to work. UConn has this game wrapped up. They might even still cover the 22-point spread

9:01 -- 52-50, UConn trails. Seven minutes left. Timeout Albany. Time to hope for a scoreboard malfunction because that's the only chance Albany has now.

9:02 -- Let's get UConn fan Dutton on the phone anyway. Advised by editors that there is still too much time. No jinxing allowed.

9:03 -- An Albany airball. Openly, I mock the shooter's fourth-grade shooting ability. How dare he deny America a great moment with his keen ineptitude. Secretly, I'm happy because I picked UConn to beat Duke in the final. Losing a Final Four team in the first round is sustainable. Losing your national champion in the first round renders your bracket less significant than Nicole Richie.

9:04 -- Still 52-50. Just over six minutes left to play.

9:06 -- Get Flash friend Barbara on the phone. Time to re-organize the night's project.

9:07 -- Brown hits a pair of free throws to tie it at 52 with 6:22 left. And to think, I could have been in Vegas this weekend watching this game poolside at Mandalay Bay if I had any disposable income. This stinks. But at least Restaurant friend Rob, a UConn fan, is likely yelling at the big screen out there for me.

9:08 -- Williams drains a three. UConn leads, 55-52. Go home now, Albany. Seriously, take your sneakers off and leave them in Philadelphia.

9:08.30 -- Hey, Albany remembered that putting the ball through the orange cylinder is an effective strategy. 55-54 UConn.

9:09 -- Hilton Armstrong hits a jumper and free throw. 58-54 UConn, 4:56 left. If the dream is going to die, at least it was killed by a guy with a cool name.

9:10 -- My phone rings. Are they kidding me? I answered it. What the heck is wrong with me?

9:11 -- Williams bangs another three. 61-55, 4:19 left.

9:12 -- The brain begins calculating how many people's brackets would get Gary Busey'd by a UConn upset. Quick estimate: 4.2 million.

9:13 -- Restaurant friend Rob must be going crazy right now. UConn fan Dutton must be nervously watching and praying I don't call him.

9:14 -- Howard Stern is right. Screw Les Moonves! How can CBS switch to the N.C. State-Cal game tied at 52 with 1:06 left. We have potential history in the making here and they switch? If I could cancel CBS, I would. UConn leads by six with 3:55 left. It's possible Albany could come back. OK, it's not possible, but still, don't switch games.

9:15 -- My dinner arrived. Consuming food right now is about as intelligent as taping the NFL Pro Bowl.

9:15.30 -- CBS goes back to the UConn game. If I have to hear a Greg Gumbel cutaway one more time before the UConn game ends, there is going to be a misunderstanding between me and the television set 16 inches in front of my face.

9:16 -- Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Get N.C. State off my screen! For the love of Pete! It's a 10-seed against a 7-seed. 10-seeds win games every year. It's not an upset. Get a clue!

9:16.30 -- Great job, CBS. Let's cut away from the UConn game so we can see a timeout at N.C. State. Brilliant programming. What's next, bringing back "The Magic Hour"?

9:17 -- UConn leads, 66-57 after an Albany floater in the lane. 2:27 left.

9:17.30 -- Hey CBS, ever hear of the split screen?

9:20 -- OK, great, N.C. State leads 57-52 with 5.5 seconds left. Get it of my friggin TV now!!!!

9:20.02 -- Guess CBS hasn't heard of the split screen.

9:21 -- The UConn game is back on the screen. It appears UConn leads 68-57 with 45.7 seconds left. I don't know how it happened.

9:22 -- 70-59 UConn, 39.7 seconds left. Game over. Dream dead. Back to work.