Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

LAS VEGAS -- Life changes way too quickly here in this man-made city of fantasy where anything can be had for the right price. One flip of a card, one roll of the dice can make all the difference in one's amassing of fortune.

The wrong card or the wrong redirect of the dice and that juicy porterhouse at the Bellagio's Prime Steakhouse turns into $3.99 steak and eggs at Sam's Town Casino off the strip.

Such swinging of the emotional pendulum is not just reserved to the gaming tables in this city. The sports book provides equally gut-wrenching entertainment, wonderfully illustrated by the bottom of the ninth inning of the Yankees-Orioles game on Friday.

After three straight days of blackjack and Texas Hold’em caused mental blurriness, I lugged myself into the sports book at Mandalay Bay and took a seat on the wall just in time to see Johnny Damon start the potential comeback with a weak pop-up to second base. I feel like I just rolled a 7 with lots of my money on the craps table.

The big screen TV in front of me received a stern talking-to. A fella in a Yankees cap to my right looks in my direction with that “Who the heck is this moron?” look. Turns out that fella was MVP friend Phil, aka the White Rhino.

Ah ha! A partner in crime to rejoice in a majestic Yankee comeback and share in the metaphoric game of Texas Hold’em that would be the ninth inning.

Derek Jeter walked and Gary Sheffield roped a single up the middle. Woo hoo! Suited connectors! Now we’re playing some cards. Raise!

Alex Rodriguez struck out and the entire sports book went crazy. Some were rejoicing in his ineptitude in the clutch. Some were wallowing in his ineptitude in the clutch. I feel the sting of a bad flop.

“Phil, find me an Orioles fan so I can take my sneaker off and throw it at them,” I said.

Lucky for my perfect non-arrest record, he didn’t look.

Jason Giambi drew a walk to load the bases after Jeter and Sheffield pulled off the double steal. Oh lookee here, the turn just put me back in the race. Time to check-raise some tourists.

“I’m gonna throw my shoe at someone if the Yanks lose,” I said. “I’m gonna throw my shoe at someone if the Yanks win.”

The logic of the idea was non-existent. But here I am chasing a straight flush as the Yankees have the bases loaded with two outs, trailing by one at the Stadium and Hideki Matsui coming to the plate.

The first pitch from Orioles closer Chris Ray is a ball. Raise.

The second pitch is a strike. Check

Pitch three? Ball two. All in!

Pitch four? Strike two. Oops!

The fifth pitch is ruled a ball even though Matsui likely didn’t check his swing as the third-base umpire said he did.

Here we go. Full count. Two outs. Bases juiced. Yanks trail by one. Go ahead, dealer, flip over that river card and give me the straight flush so I can take down a huge pot of Baltimore angst and treat MVP Phil and the boys to a round of overpriced drinks at the pool.

The pitch . . . it’s outside . . . it’s strike three! Busted. Where’s the nearest ATM?