Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

LeBron James entered this crazy geographical concept known as the greater New York metro area on Wednesday night. His Cleveland Cavaliers played the New Jersey Nets.

Kobe Bryant and his Los Angeles Lakers will do the same on Friday night.

And then on Sunday, across a parking lot or two from the Continental Airlines Arena, Reggie Bush and his New Orleans Saints will visit the New York Giants.

What a holiday week for New York area sports fans, even if those games technically occur in New Jersey.

These are athletes worth paying to see in person. Players who, when they come to your town, you know about it. Players who, if they light up the team you're rooting for, you really can't get mad at it. It's not about someone just being a great player. There are plenty of those. It's more than that.

To help put this into context, let's look at it from the other side. There's an old story about Joe DiMaggio where he was once asked why he was playing so hard in a game that meant nothing toward the end of the season. His response: "There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best."

This piece assumes the role of the kid.

Understanding that ticket prices and salaries are so far out of whack for the regular blue-collar fan to come to grips with, there are certain athletes that make you say, "Who cares if I paid $100 to sit behind the pole in the back row of loge? I got to watch him play live."

Not every team has such players. So check the schedule to see when one of these 14 players are coming to your town. If you're lucky, that'll still occur this season.

LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
No athlete in the past 20 years has entered a professional league with as much hype and as little comparable experience than LeBron James. And in his three-plus seasons, he's lived up to every bit of it. That in itself is a commendable accomplishment. Billed as the next Jordan (a concept that we like to think will exist but know will never happen), James is a triple-double threat every night. The real appeal though is watching a player match his hype. And his commercials are pretty funny, too.
Watch LeBron James highlights on YouTube

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
If you can separate yourself from those rape charges from a few years ago, of which Bryant was cleared of, then he remains the most exciting player in the game. If you can't separate the two, that's OK too. He's been more team-oriented this season, but on any night, Bryant is capable of dropping 50 on an opponent. Or 81. Such potential is what we crave as fans. We want to be in the stands the night he does it.
Watch Kobe Bryant's 81-point night last season

Allen Iverson, Denver Nuggets
The Answer is like Stallone in "Rocky III" when he starts yelling at Clubber Lang, "Hit me harder! C'mon, hit me harder!" (Yes, DeNiro did it in "Raging Bull" too.) For the past 11 seasons in Philadelphia, we watched Iverson hurl his 165 pounds all around the court with little concer for anything but hitting the shot and winning the game. Granted, he likely has pretty good health insurance. But the the lasting appeal of A.I. is that he always gets up. He embodies the concepts of "will" and "heart" that we love in our athletes.
Watch Iverson's career highlights on NBA.com

Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints
When the Saints get the ball, you want Deuce McAllister to remain on the sideline. You then want Drew Brees to give the ball to Bush. You then want Bush to run and fake out 43 defenders, make 12 cuts across the field, somersault over the back judge and then dive into the end zone for the touchdown. Every time he touches the ball, you get excited. Every time he doesn't touch the ball, you yell at the offensive coordinator.
YouTube videos: High School | College | NFL

Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers
He's old now. But, he's still the same gunslinger he always was, just with a slightly less strong arm (the NFL has banned use of the word "weak" in sentences referring to Favre) and fewer weapons around him. With Favre, it's more an appreciation for all the highlights he gave us the past 15 seasons. He'll take too many chances and he'll throw a lot of interceptions, but when he moves out of the pocket and starts pointing to his receivers and looking 40 yards down the field, you're hoping he doesn't get sacked.
Watch "The Legend of Favre" on NFL.com

LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers
Is he the best ever? Go watch him and decide for yourself. Even if he's not scoring four touchdowns a week, he makes every dollar you spend worth at least $1.50.
Watch LT videos on sandiegochargers.com

Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons
He may never be the NFL quarterback the experts and analysts want him to be and that's fine. He's more exciting this way. Who else can turn a 3-yard quarterback scramble into a 4-minute highlight and discussion on the NFL shows?
Watch video of Michael Vick from ESPN on YouTube

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens
He's just plain nasty on a football field. With all due respect to Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears, Lewis is the prototype middle linebacker. He's worth altering your maxiimum bid on eBay for tickets.
Watch Ray Lewis video from NFL Films

Jose Reyes, New York Mets
WithIn the first three pitches of a game, Reyes can wind up on third base. He'll single, steal second, then steal third. How many other baseball players can you say this about? Of course, he could also just hit another triple, the most exciting play in baseball next to the delayed double steal of home.
Watch Jose Reyes video on MLB.com

Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs
OK, so we can say that about one other baseball player. When Soriano steps to the plate, you have to respect his power and speed. If you're careful, he'll just single, steal second, then steal third. If you're not careful, the catcher is throwing you a new ball. But it's not just his power. It's the threat of speed, too.
Watch Alfonso Soriano video clips on MLB.com

Derek Jeter, New York Yankees
This is one of those "appreciation" situations. Jeter is widely recognized as a great player because of his "intangibles." His ability to lead, his calm demeanor, his ability to come through in the clutch. Not taking the opportunity to see him play now is like waiting for your favorite musical act to become a Vegas mainstay. There's just something wrong with that.
Watch Jeter go 5-for-5 in Game 1 of the 2006 ALDS at MLB.com.

Roger Clemens, free agent
He may not play this season, although no one really believes that. Whenever he comes to a stadium near you in 2007, go see him pitch. He's one of the five greatest pitchers of all time and you need to be able to tell your grandkids you witnessed that. Plus, he could retire at any time, so don't miss the opportunity if it's available.
Stand in the box against a Rocket fastball

Roger Federer, men's tennis
OK, so maybe tennis isn't the most popular sport in mainstream America, but this guy played in 17 tournaments last year and won 11 of them. In the six he lost, he lost five of them in the final. When one of the greatest players in the history of a sport comes to town, a true sports fan would find a way to admire such greatness in person.
Watch ESPN's Roger Federer yearbook

Arturo Gatti, boxing
As close as we'll ever to come to a real-life Rocky Balboa. Gatti fought wars in the ring. Too often in boxing, nothing happens during a fight. Just a whole lot of weak jabs and clenching before the referee steps in to break up the two fighters. Gatti fights come up with crazy flurries and plenty of action. And he can take a punch, which means the fight will usually last into the late rounds.
Watch highlights from the Gatti-Ward trilogy on YouTube.

Honorable mention: Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins; Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals; Barry Bonds*, San Francisco Giants; Vince Carter, New Jersey Nets; Shaquille O'Neal, Miami Heat; Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat; Terrell Owens, Dallas Cowboys.

Then use the comments tag below to share your thoughts.

By Mark La Monica

Mardy Collins was way out of line with that hard foul. The game was already over by then. And it was a regular season game. In December. And it's Mardy Collins.

Carmelo Anthony escalated things with his Stephen Jackson right-handed haymaker. If not for that punch, the scuffle would have ended there and the Pistons-Pacers brawl references would not exist beyond Sunday evening.

If not for that punch, the Knicks would have no point of motivation to wake up and realize they can actually make the playoffs this season. Sure, the team is poorly constructed, poorly managed and poorly owned. But have you looked at the Atlantic Division recently?

It's exceptionally ugly. Uglier than, say, the scene inside Madison Square Garden on Saturday night.

The Atlantic Division is a combined 46-73 after Saturday night's games. Twelve of those wins have come against each other and another three came against the Memphis Grizzlies.

The Knicks are 9-16. Seven games under .500 -- the line of demarcation for mediocrity for everything in life except batting average -- and still only 1.5 games out of first place. The Nets, Celtics and Raptors all have nine wins but have also played fewer games.

There is still 69.5 percent of the season left, but have we seen anything from any Atlantic team to reasonably believe the division title won't go down to the final week? If anything, we've been given reason to consider lobbying David Stern to ban the default Atlantic champion from the playoffs.

Isiah Thomas needs to harness the emotion displayed by Nate Robinson, Jared Jeffries, Channing Frye and the rest the players into positive energy. Use it to motivate the team into realizing what's possible this season.

So, what's possible this season? The playoffs are possible this season.

The Knicks likely won't advance beyond the first round of those playoffs, but getting there -- no matter how they do it -- would be a huge step in the right direction for the franchise. Fans would be excited with the sign of progress.

Since it's going to take quite a few more years to actually make the Knicks a good team and since owner James Dolan doesn't understand much about the salary cap, Knicks fans must find the small things to embrace.

A trip to the playoffs with this lot wouldn't be so bad, would it? No matter how short that trip is. It would also assure Thomas keeps his job for another season or so.

Then again, for some Knicks fans, maybe this brawl wasn't such a good thing after all.

By Mark La Monica

Here are five words that won't shock the world: Muhammad Ali changed the game.

Here are seven more words you've heard plenty of times before: There will never be another Muhammad Ali.

Here's why we'll never see another athlete the likes of Ali. We won't let it happen.

"Ali Rap" aired this weekend on ESPN. The hour-long special hosted by Chuck D (who is the new best friend of my boy -- and Newsday NFL columnist -- Bob Glauber) highlights the captivating personality of Ali. Through his rhymes and his ability to entertain, Ali was really the first athlete to embrace and succesfully use the power of the media.

We're not here to discuss Ali's boxing or his impact on the world. Everyone already knows that. What you may not realize is that we'll never have another personality such as Ali. We'll never have someone who can captivate us the way he did. We'll never have it again because we won't let ourselves have it.

Every time an athlete opens his mouth and says something other than the typical cliches, those quotes are on the Internet. Then they're on ESPN. Then they're in the newspapers. Then they're on sports talk radio.

Then the analysts come around and debate for three hours the effect those words will have on the psyche of the team in the locker room and on the field. Then, the fans will call the talk radio shows and hammer the Internet message boards with their two cents. Occasionally, they'll chip in a nickel if the Web site's bandwidth allows for it.

Then the athlete will respond either with a retraction, a clarification or a statement issued through his team, agent or attorney.

Sportswriters hate getting canned, cliche quotes. Editors hate editing them. Readers hate reading them. But, when we come upon an athlete who speaks his mind and answers questions honestly, the media blows it up to outrageous proportions. All of a sudden, what was once a thoughtful response to a question is front-page news and top-flight material for television.

See: Jeremy Shockey, TIki Barber, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, dozens of others.

Could you imagine Muhammad Ali's rhymes and bravado getting by today's media? Impossible. Because 38 seconds after he said "I am the astronaut of boxing. Joe Louis and Dempsey were just jet pilots. I'm in a world of my own," Google servers would shut down from all the search results produced by a news search for "Muhammad Ali."

It would be a field day for bloggers, columnists, TV talking heads, etc. See: "Ocho Cinqo."

The extensive media coverage isn't necessarily a bad thing. It isn't necessarily a good thing. But the next time you watch an interview or read a story about an athlete, pay close attention to the words they are actually saying. Then realize that they've probably said next to nothing.

We'll never have another Muhammad Ali because we won't allow it to happen. Athletes may float like butterflies still, but it's the media that now stings like a bee.

By Mark La Monica

We can go to a convenience store and decide which type of soda we want to buy. We can name our own prices for airline tickets and hotel rooms. We can watch a television show on our computer.

But for the love of Pete, why can't we order the "Ed Hochuli plan" on DirecTV? Seems to me the NFL is missing out on a brilliant marketing plan.

Hochuli is the most jacked referee in pro sports. This dude is 6-1, 215 pounds. All muscle. Forget Ed Hochuli. He's Ed Hercules!

This past January, Sports Illustrated detailed Hochuli's workout regimen. You'll simultaneously feel more manly and more of a weakling reading it.

This is Hochuli's 17th season as an NFL official. He's one of the best there is, and his lengthy explanations on penalties are informative for fans in and out of the stadium. He also happens to be a lawyer. A bona fide Hercules of the brain, too.

Seriously, don't you get a little more fired up for an NFL game when Hochuli is on the call. He makes fans watching at home root for penalties.

"We always used to get together and watch the games, and then we noticed this hunky, buff referee on the field," said Jessica McCartney in a telephone interview with the Keyboard Quarterbacks. "We kept watching for any game Ed Hochuli was reffing."

McCartney, who lives in Chicago, took her Hochuli crush a step further and created whatwouldedhochulido.com. The Web site began as a place to sell Hochuli T-shirts but has now in its second season grown to include all this Hochuli.

And if you're looking for a gift for that football fan who has everything already, take a look at these little Ed Hochuli treats. T-shirts, sweatshirts, mugs and more.

"I always used to pose that question when we were deciding where to go or what to do," McCartney said. "What would Ed Hochuli do? It's is a nice little side business."

McCartney estimated she makes about $200 a month during the football season on Hochuli merchandise. And, yes, Ed knows about the site and the shirts. They exchanged e-mails when McCartney was trying to launch the site.

Other Hochuli sites exists, including edhochuli.com (just a URL that someone is trying to sell) and hochuli.net (a photo shrine to "NFL Ref No. 85")

Such is the power of Hochuli. If your team has a go-ahead touchdown called back because of a leg whip, Hochuli makes the pain easier to withstand because you know it was the right call. Plus, how can you argue with a guy who could beat up half the players on the field?

"The thing about him is he takes the time to really explain the penalty to the point where he almost sounds like he's criticizing the other team," McCartney said.

The NFL doesn't release the schedules for its referees, which is probably a smart thing. You just never know what a crazy NFL fan would do. But if there were an Ed Hochuli programming package, would it really matter if you didn't know who was playing until the game started?

Imagine having this conversation on a Sunday morning:

"Hey, grab the fellas and come over for the game today."

"OK, cool. Wait, do you get the Ed Hochuli channel?"

"No."

"Yeah, forget it dude. I'm staying at home to watch Titans-Lions."

"But the Colts are playing the Patriots at 1 p.m. and you're a Manning fan."

"Sure, but c'mon. It's Ed friggin' Hochuli!"