Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

Frank Caliendo does a phenomenal John Madden impersonation. He does it so well, he might even be better at being Madden than the actual Madden. Turducken!

Too bad TBS completely destroyed any chance of us ever watching his new show, which I believe is called "Frank TV."

In fact, I know it's called "Frank TV" because TBS shows a commercial for the it every other pitch. Seriously, doesn't TBS have any other original programming to promote? Oh wait, that's right. They don't.

I'd rather watch commercials for reruns of "Saved by the Bell" or "Friends" or "Seinfeld" or "Everybody Loves Raymond" or a 32nd showing of "The Fast and the Furious" and "Cannonball Run."

One of the reasons networks pay millions of dollars to show major sporting events is to promote their main programming. The hope is that exposure creates knowledge of the show, which creates viewers, which creates higher ratings, which creates more desire for advertisers, which creates higher advertising rates, which creates more money for the network.

Of course, there's such a thing as overkill. Just ask the producers of "Gigli" who lost out on a few extra bucks at the box office because the world could no longer stomach Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. (Of course, the actual script was beyond saving.)

TBS hasn't crossed the threshold of overkill. They triple-jumped over the line. They did it so well that the FCC and the Nielsen rating system have both launched separate probes into their use of performance-enhancing drugs. Someone get Dr. Gary Wadler on the phone!

Common practice here in blog land is to provide you the reader with a link or three that points to content relevant to what we're writing about. Today, in this piece, I will do no such thing.

Common practice here in blog land is to provide you the reader with a photo or two that brightens up the page and is relevant to what we're writing about. Today, in this piece, I will do no such thing.

Strictly on principle, I shall buck the blog rules. Besides, they're more like guidelines any way. We've all seen enough of Frank Caliendo to last us a few years. If you really want more info on "Frank TV", just watch TBS for 22 seconds.

Word is Caliendo will act as interim pitching coach for Colorado in Game 2 and come out to the mound once each inning to do an impersonation. Preferably not his Al Pacino, though. That's just awful. It takes at least 11 viewings of it to realize it's not Yoko Ono, a dude from The Monkees or k.d. Lang.

There's talk that the groundskeeping crew at Coors Field is hard at work right now cutting the "Frank TV" logo into the outfield grass for Game 3 of the NLDS on Sunday.

Another rumor making its way around the Internet, specifically right here, is that Caliendo will pull a Frank Drebin and be the home plate umpire for Game 4, if necessary. No word yet on if he'll impersonate Drebin, Leslie Nielsen or Enrico Palazzo.

TBS has forced us to root for fast-paced, 4-0 games where all the runs are scored in the same inning. That provides for less pitching changes and pinch-hitters, thereby making the game move faster and with less commercials. Less "Frank TV" is good tv.