Time to spoof my favorite show, which I truly enjoy and appreciate....but if there is ever a cause for an emergency remodel, it's at 2 Penn Plaza. This is the first of a series, because it would be too long for one blog.
Here's how I think it would go...
[Fade in to Ty Pennington and his crew on a bus in midtown Manhattan. Ty wipes froth from his lips, scratches his crazy hair as if he has an itch, but really he doesn't, and is wringing his hands. One of the models on the show, who plays a "designer" quickly pops a pill in his mouth and Pennington's eyes go from crazed to glazed to dazed. She snaps a rubber band that he wears on his wrist and suddenly Ty comes to.
"We're in New York!" he screams, lifting his arms to the ceiling.
[Director reminds Ty this is the part of the show where they have to be somber and reverent and pluck the viewer's emotional strings with a troubling video about someone who owns a house that is a wreck. Director reminds the camera crew to make sure not to catch any homeless people in any of the Manhattan B-roll]
Ty tries to control his shaking as he pushes a video tape into the VCR on the bus -- logos and colors and product placement everywhere...and you wonder why Ty is suffering from ADD, among other things (dude clearly can't keep any weight on) -- and sits with the rest of the beautiful crew (plus Paul DiMeo, the "regular joe guy in the glasses") to watch.
[Note to cameraman: Make sure to get a cleavage shot of Paige Hemmis as you scan the crew.]
Isiah Thomas appears on the screen.
"I grew up on the West Side of Chicago . . ." he begins.
"Yeah!" Ty roars. "Chi-town! Let's go! Are you with me? Bus driver, move that..."
[Director again warns Ty if he doesn't start producing tears and expressions of sadness, he'll be sent back to TLC to do more episodes of Trading Spaces. Ty immediately turns on the water works. West Side of Chicago? he thinks. Try doing all the carpentry for that wack job Hildi Santo-Tomas. Now that's oppression.]
Thomas' story is abruptly cut off and it appears someone recorded over the remainder of the video. We see no faces, but hear a narrator. Sounds eerily like Red Holzman...
"This was where I used to work," begins a low voice with a old-school New York accent, as a slideshow of history is played on the screen.
Willis Reed. The Limp from the Tunnel. Clyde. Earl the Pearl. The Comeback. DeBusschere and Dollar Bill. Jackson. Meminger. Fall-back Baby. Truck. BK. Patrick. Action Jackson. X-Man. Oak. Starks. The Dunk. LJ. Allan. Hubert. The Shot. Latrel. Camby. Jeff-Van-Gun-Dee!....
"This place maybe never kept the shine it once had back when I worked here," the voice says, "but it always had a solid foundation. And we felt we were the epicenter of a game this entire town embraced as it's own. But things haven't gone so well the last few years. We're overwhelmed by structural damage, poor craftmanship and just plain neglect. Here, let me show you what it looks like today...."
A more recent slideshow begins with images of Stephon Marbury and a towel over his head. Isiah smirking on his video deposition. Steve Francis dribbling in a complete circle before falling down with an ankle sprain. Nate Robinson shoving JR Smith. Eddy Curry being rejected by Andreas Nocioni. Tim Thomas in a staredown with Marbury. Jerome James standing along the sidelines on the first day of training camp. Jalen Rose sorting out his buyout money on a hotel bed and then rolling in it. Jeff Van Gundy walking out of the Garden, getting into his Honda and puttering under the speed limit as far away from the mushroom cloud as he can. Zach Randolph turning his back on his man to complain to a referee, then losing where the ball is until he realizes it's already on its way to the basket, out of the hands of ... yes ... his man. Marcus Camby snatching his 20th rebound for Denver. James Dolan slumped low in his courtside seat, unaffected by the spiritless play of the players he pays millions yet growling about ushers and security personnel who make a few bucks a game so they can buy their kid a Wii for Christmas this year.
[Cut to Ty and the design team, pan their saddened faces. Focus on whomever conjures a tear or makes a motion as if to wipe one away].
"The foundation isn't just crumbling, it's actually quite useless at this point, according to several credible architects in the business," the voice says with a hint of equal parts dispair and disgust. "The electricity still worked a little up until last season, but now the wires are so crossed and worn there's hardly a flicker. The heating system is totally shot mainly because the furnace has stopped working during a trip to the West Coast earlier this year. And the winter's here get very cold when there's no heat in the building....."
That part of the video suddenly is cut off as abruptly as it began and Isiah is back on the screen, grinning and shrugging.
"...The bills are just piling up. $18 million last year, $11.5 million this year and that's not counting the luxury tax we're forced to pay. A plea was made to the NBA this summer by one member of the media to relieve us of our bad contracts and let us rebuild. But the league denied our request! If the league offices were in Indiana or Detroit, they would have supported us. But we're left here, on our own, to live with this mess we created. It's just not fair. I mean, it's not my fault. The media is tough on us for bad decisions we've made, the fans boo when we play poorly and opposing teams seem to enjoy beating the snot out of us. It's just not fair!"
[Cut to Ty, bawling]
"Shut it off! Shut it off!" Ty screams.
[Director reminds Ty about his penchant for being "over the top"]
"I think we've seen enough," Ty says, wiping his eyes. "These people need our help."
[Cut to 33rd Street, where Ty stands with his trademark bullhorn (as if he needs it) ready for roll call]
Goooood morning Knickerbocker family!
Jimmy! Steve! Isiah! Glen! Herbie! Stephon! Eddy! Zach! Q! Jamal! . . .
[One by one, the characters come running out with teary expressions of relief (except for Dolan, who immediately fires a security guard for not decking the skinny guy with bed-head shouting with a bullhorn outside his building). Isiah heads straight for Ty and the two share a peck on the cheek that is reminiscent of he and Magic Johnson from the NBA Finals.]
"Show me your house," Ty then says, dripping with more sap than a cut maple.
They walk around the corner and enter the building under the Seventh Avenue marquee. Everything looks normal in the lobby, which is beautifully decorated and celebrating the great tradition of the grand hall. But then another set of doors open . . .
[Cut to commercial. Ty hawking Sears products, such as a Craftsman sledgehammer, which is good to demolish your anticipation for the season. Or a cordless drill, to put holes in every excuse you hear. Or how about a Kenmore stove, where you can burn all the money you spent on tickets.]
The show returns with a quick highlight of what took place in the opener. Ty, tears and tortured souls. Then to those doors again...which open.
[Cut to inside the arena...the Knicks are in the midst of a home game. Full house, as usual. Crowd roaring, "Dee-Fense!" without the need of canned synthesized encouragement from the PA system, as in most other NBA arenas. The team on the floor doesn't seem to comprehend the message urged by the fans. Eventually the defense breaks down, someone is left wide open and a dagger drops through the basket. Timeout is called.
Boos.
They get louder and louder. [Cue ominous music; cut to astonished expressions by Ty and the crew. Avoid designer Michael Moloney, who seems oblivious to the game and is wondering what's with all the tacky drapes hanging from the ceiling?] A chant of "Fire Isiah!" rises up around them and the crew braces itself.
"I feel like this place could come crashing down at any moment!" Ty says to a handheld camera.
To Be Continued....